


i was born to endure (this kind of weather)

by breezered



Series: TLAU: The Last Alternate Universe [2]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, and ellie wont ever have that terrible haircut they gave her in the ending, but also still heavy, but the gays will be happy and together, something a little lighter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 81,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24890107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breezered/pseuds/breezered
Summary: “You don’t even know me.”“So, what, I can’t want to get to know you?” Dina challenges her with a cocked eyebrow.“Uh,” Ellie stutters. “I guess that’s your risk to take.”---A break from the apocalyptic setting, and a vacation into a whole other type of struggle. College isn't without its challenges, no matter how tough you think you are.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Series: TLAU: The Last Alternate Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1917013
Comments: 329
Kudos: 1448





	1. September 2014 - October 2014

**_September 2014_ **

“Nice place,” Joel says. He holds out the duffel bag he had carried up from the truck, and Ellie takes it from him.

“Sure,” she says, tossing it onto the small bed in the corner, “if you like cinderblocks and asbestos.” Joel chuckles, scratching his beard.

“It’s college, not the Ritz,” he jokes. Ellie rolls her eyes. “Come on, there’s still some of your junk in the truck.” Ellie follows him out the door of the dorm room, and down the hall. The walls are an off-white, clearly a weak attempt at making the windowless hallways seem just a little less like a hospital. A few people pass by them as they make their way down the stairs. Ellie had insisted on moving into the dormitories early to avoid the busy Frosh week crowds and traffic, and she’s grateful for the relative peace that exists in the building for the moment.

At the truck, Joel hands Ellie her heavy hiking backpack and her guitar case. He grabs a big plastic bin and shuts the door with his hip. “Lead the way, kiddo.”

“I’m not a kid anymore,” Ellie grumbles, propping open the door with her foot until Joel can take it from her with his shoulder. 

“When you start acting like a grown-up, I’ll stop calling you a kid,” Joel says. It’s his line for everything. When she starts doing x, he’ll stop doing y. She hates that it’s worked so often on her - it’s why she finally got her driver’s license, and why she stopped wearing t-shirts with dumb slogans written across the chest. In return, Joel stopped showing up an hour early to pick her up from parties, and he stopped quoting those T-shirt’s to her classmates like he was doling out some valuable wisdom.

He can be so embarrassing.

They get back to her room, putting down the baggage. Joel tucks his thumbs into the waist of his jeans and looks around the room. Ellie fiddles with the hem of the too-big button up she’s got on over a ratty black tank top.

“Well,” she says, clearing her throat, “thanks. For the drive, and...stuff.”

Joel nods. “Of course. Are you sure you don’t want to grab some lunch? Might be the last decent meal you get until the holidays.” He looks at her, and Ellie has to avert her eyes from his, earnest and hopeful as they are.

“I think I’m just gonna unpack,” she says, forcing a small into her lips, “get settled in.” Joel nods again, and she can see him trying to hide his disappointment. “Home is only a few hours away though. Maybe you can, uh, come up some time?”

“I’d like that,” Joel says, his gruff voice soft. “As long as you aren’t going to be too busy with all your fancy new college friends.”

“Nah.” Ellie shrugs her shoulders. “And anyways, we’ll have to get the early-bird special for you, old-timer. By the time you’re ready to hit the sack, all my friends will be ready to hang out.”

Joel laughs at that, and Ellie lets a small huff of laughter escape her lips.

“Well, if you’re ready for me to head out,” Joel says, leaving the rest of the sentence unsaid. He turns and walks to the doorway. He pauses, his body framed by the doorway. He clears his throat and turns back to face Ellie. “You take care of yourself, now, you hear me?”

“You too.”

“And don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything.”

“I won’t. Hesitate, that is.”

“Good.” His arms twitch, like he considered reaching out to her but stopped himself before he could complete the movement. “You’re gonna do great here.”

“Thanks.” Ellie crosses her arms across her chest. “Drive safely. No funny business.” She gives him a wry grin.

He smiles. “No funny business.” With that, he turns and heads around the corner, swinging himself around it with one hand on the door frame.

Ellie takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She sits on the edge of the old wooden desk that’s pushed up against the wall opposite the bed. Her hands are shaking, so she grips the desk. The sharp angle digs into her palms, and she focuses on the sting of it to centre herself.

It takes a few more deep breaths until she feels steady enough to start unpacking. Her clothes go into the small dresser, some of her shirts hanging in the closet. The guitar gets stashed in there as well. She puts her notebooks on the desk, and spends a few minutes struggling with the grey fitted sheet and the flimsy mattress. Her comics and novels get a prized spot on the top shelf of the wall mounted bookshelf that sits right about the desk. The clunky laptop she bought secondhand a few years ago gets put on the desk, and a handful of pens. She carefully tapes up the two posters she brought from her room at home - one is a poster of a band, the other a signed indie sci-fi film poster. She puts her pocket knife in the desk drawer with a few other small things - a pack of post-its, a lighter, a jar full of weed, a pack of rolling papers, a half-empty carton of cigarettes, and a bag of sour candies.

As she’s shaking the duvet into its new checked cover, her stomach lets out a loud grumble.

“Jesus,” she whispers to herself, “alright. I’ll get some lunch.” She tucks her wallet, a book, and her jacket into her old worn out backpack. There’s the familiar struggle with the zipper as it gets stuck halfway closed. She slips a cigarette behind her ear and the lighter into the pocket of her shirt. Cheap plastic lighters have taught her the hard way not to put them in her back pocket of her jeans anymore. She spies the last unpacked box sitting in the corner. It was the box that Joel had packed for her and forced her to take, claiming he knew better than her what she would need in order to survive college dorm life. “I’ll be back for you.” The box just stares back at her.

She checks her appearance in the mirror on back of her door. Her hair isn’t too greasy, and she fixes the small bun at the back of her head. The rest of it brushes against her neck, and she fidgets with it, tucking it behind her ears, and then untucking it. Scowling at herself, she forces her hands away from her hair.

“Who are you trying to impress?” She asks her reflection. Of course, there’s no answer. Her stomach rumbles and she takes the cue, opening her door and making the walk down the hall and out into the day.

It’s cloudy, but the sun is still peeking through a few breaks in the sky. She can see the mountains that her and Joel drive through earlier, the mountains that now stand between her and where she had called home the last few years. She sticks her earbuds in her ears, and turns up the volume of her music. It’s something with an acoustic guitar and an easy beat. Ellie lets it time her footsteps as she starts down the street. There are some campus signs pointing her to the cafeteria, but she remembers reading in her welcome package that her meal plan doesn’t start until the beginning of orientation week. Not in the mood to spend a fortune on shitty cafeteria food, she follows the road off campus. She remembers seeing a convenience store on the drive in, and she hopes her sense of direction won’t let her down.

Ellie takes the cigarette from behind her ear and holds it between her lips. It’s an easy light, and the smoke floods her throat. The sun hits the smoke as it escapes from her nose and mouth, and she watches it float away.

* * *

The week before orientation week passes by slowly and peacefully. Ellie spends her time reading and exploring the campus, going for runs and hikes up in the mountains. She maps out where all her classes are, and figures out the shortest routes to all of them. It’s a small campus, and she feels confident that she has already almost mastered how to get around it. She’s even started to get used to the uncomfortable bed in her room, and how the sun breaks into her window early very morning, no matter how she tries to block it out with the curtains. Having the campus essentially to herself has been a dream come true, but as she looks out her window this morning and sees the lineup of minivans and reasonable mid-sized sedans, she knows that’s all about the change.

It’s a horde of overeager college students. She can hear the RA’s directing people and the orientation teams helping people carry all their stuff up to their rooms. Ellie makes sure her door is locked, and she thinks she should really send Joel a ‘thank you’ text for helping her meet the cost of a single room. She hasn’t talked to him at all since he left that first day. It’s not that she hasn’t thought about calling him, or texting him about the bear tracks she saw on her latest hike, it’s just that she doesn’t know what else to say. The past year had been hard on both of them, and she knows that’s mostly her fault. He’s always been a great guardian, and she’s always been a difficult person to guard.

Her thumb hovers over his contact, but she tosses the phone down on her bed and sighs, flopping down beside it. She eyes the bottle of Jack Daniels on her bedside table, but eight in the morning is early even for her. The excited voices outside are now in the hallway too, and Ellie groans. There’s not going to be a moment’s peace now.

“Fuck it,” she says. She pulls on a well-worn t-shirt and shorts, lacing on her runners. Her keys get tied to the strap of her sports bra, and she slips into the hallway. No one pays her any mind, and she hurries out the back stairwell. Her feet pound on the pavement as she starts running, and she takes the more secluded path to the trails behind campus. It’s a hard run, and she hasn’t made it all the way to the top yet, but she likes the way the trees surround her and the sounds of the small creek running down the hillside. Foothill trails like this are her favourite. Close enough to civilization to be easy to reach, but secluded enough to make her feel like she’s alone. Soon enough the pavement beneath her feet has turned to earth, and her nostrils are filled with the smell of trees and summer warmed earth.

She runs until her side is stabbed with a cramp. Chest heaving with harsh breaths, Ellie presses a hand to her side and sits on a nearby rock. She had passed the halfway trail marker fifteen minutes ago. It’s not the furthest she’s gotten, but she still feels proud of herself. Focusing on evening out her breaths, she listens to the sounds of the forest around her. Birds are chirping and calling to each other in the tree tops, and she can hear something small scuffling around on the forest floor somewhere behind her. It takes a while for her to regain her breath, and even longer for the cramp to subside. Once she feels ready, she pushes herself up from the rock and starts down the trail. She hops down from rock to rock, descending beside the trail instead of directly on the well-trod earth.

“I’m a fucking mountain goat.” She laughs at herself as she jumps down from a ledge. She reaches the end of the trail quickly. She stops at the tree line, looking down the hill at the still bustling campus. She had killed an hour of time, and there are even more people on the campus than before. The clear skies let the sun reflect off the buildings, and Ellie wishes she just had one more day to herself.

“Wishful thinking is one thing,” she can hear Joel say, “and reality is another.”

“Goddamn it,” she mutters, “even when he’s not here I can hear his stupid quotes.” She starts down the hill, the sun hitting her face. She narrows her eyes against it, keeping her footing on the concrete staircase.

There’s no avoiding the crowds now. They’re on every path. The over-enthusiastic orientation team students are handing out t-shirts and condoms, the nervous freshmen are already starting to pair off into their own groups of first-day friends. Parents are loaded down with bags and younger siblings are watching all the happenings with wide-eyes. Ellie does her best to skirt around all these different groups, only getting accosted by a guy wearing a banana costume once and being forcibly given a pamphlet about STI’s and a handful of glow in the dark condoms. She’s so busy looking for somewhere to throw them out that she doesn’t notice the people on a collision course with her until it’s too late.

“Ah, fuck!” The condoms fall from Ellie’s hands and scatter on the ground.

A guy’s voice says, “Oh shit, I’m sorry,” and a girl’s voice says, “Way to go, Jesse.” Ellie just wants to get all those condoms off the ground and into the nearest garbage can, and she can feel her cheeks heating up with embarrassment. She straightens up and looks at her assailants.

The guy – Jesse? – is tall and has a swoopy hairstyle that Ellie is pretty sure went out of fashion with One Direction. He’s clearly trying not to stare at the amount of condoms Ellie is gripping with clenched fists. The girl is shorter, with dark curly hair and soft-looking skin. Ellie doesn’t notice she’s staring until she sees the girl’s lips move, and realizes she must be talking to her. She blinks a few times and tunes back in.

“What?”

“I was just apologizing for Jesse’s big clumsy feet,” the most beautiful girl on campus says. Ellie nods dumbly, catching her mouth slightly slack and ajar.

She slams her jaw shut. “Right, no problem,” she mumbles. “These aren’t all for me, by the way.”

It’s the goddess’s turn to say, “what?”

“The uh, the condoms,” Ellie clarifies, holding up her hands. “The banana gave them to me.”

The two people in front of her look at her like she’s high.

“Right,” Jesse says, “well, anyways. We, uh, we need to go.” He grabs the girl’s hand and starts to walk away. The girl gives her a sort of sympathetic smile as she’s tugged away by the tall guy. Ellie watches her go. Once they’re out of sight, Ellie looks up at the sky and scrunches up her face.

“The _banana_ gave them to me?” She mutters, not believing she could be such a dumbass. “Jesus fucking _Christ,_ Ellie.” Making her feet move proves harder when she feels so frozen with embarrassment, but she makes it to the dormitory and makes her way up to her room. The condoms get thrown in the garbage bin immediately, along with the pamphlet. She shoves a handful of cereal in her mouth and grabs her shower bag, heading to the floor bathroom. There’s a few people in it, but all the showers are free. She slips into the one furthest from the door and takes off her sweaty clothes.

The water hits her skin in uneven bursts of water pressure. It takes a minute to warm up, and Ellie scrubs at her skin. There’s the usual double take as she forgets about her tattoo and thinks it’s a big smear of dirt. Her hair gets a wash as well, and she stands under the water for an extra minute or two just to try and let it wash away the embarrassment of her first failed college social interaction. Stupid condom dispensing banana.

She wraps a towel around herself and gathers up her things. Her hair drips water onto her shoulders, and her shower flip-flops make an obnoxious squelching noise as she makes the walk back to her room. Safely behind her door, she changes into jeans and a slightly less well-loved t-shirt than before. Her hair gets towel dried with a rough rub, and she runs her fingers through it to comb out some of the tangles. Deodorant is applied, phone is jammed into her pocket with her earbuds, and she grabs her student card and keys. It’s nearly ten, and it’s the first day the cafeteria will accept her meal plan. No matter how sketchy the food might be, it’s got to be better than microwaved meals.

* * *

It’s not that much better. At least there are green things, and the food is clearly cooked on a range instead of a small appliance from the 90’s. Ellie loads up on some fruit and eggs, grabbing a cup of orange juice. She finds a table and sits down. Her earbuds go in, her music goes on, and she pulls a small paperback from her back pocket as well. It’s a well-loved copy of _The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_. She’s read it a dozen times; it was the first book she read when she first moved in with Joel. He had given it to her and she had read it all night under her covers with a flashlight. The pages are dog-eared now, and the cover is taped and frayed at the edges. She settles into the story, slowly forking up eggs into her mouth. She enjoys the peace for about ten minutes, until the table jostles suddenly. Ellie lowers her book and for the second time that day comes face to face with the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen.

“Hey,” the girl says, and Ellie pulls out her earbuds.

“Uh, hi,” she answers.

“This seat free?” The girls asks, already peeling the skin off a banana. Ellie looks at her and raises an eyebrow.

“I guess so.”

The girl smiles and extends her hand across the table. “I’m Dina.”

Ellie takes her hand and her skin is as soft as it looks. Suddenly self-conscious of every callous and bead of sweat on her palm, Ellie shakes it quickly and lets go. “Ellie.”

“Nice to meet you, Ellie,” Dina says, and Ellie believes her. “Sorry again about before, we weren’t looking where we were going.”

“It’s cool,” Ellie says with a shrug, “I wasn’t paying any attention either.”

“We saw that banana you were talking about,” Dina continues. “He tried to give me, like, a hundred condoms. I’m flattered that he thinks I would need that many.” She winks at Ellie, and Ellie temporarily forgets her name. Dina seems to wait and see if Ellie is going to say anything, and when she doesn’t, Dina keeps talking. “So is this your first year here?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says. “Well, it’s my first year at this college. I did a year at a small place in Colorado, but I transferred here to be closer to…home.” Dina nods along, and it really feels like she’s hanging onto Ellie’s every word. “Uh, is it yours?”

“Second,” Dina says, “I didn’t live on campus last year though. My boyfriend, Jesse, he convinced me to move into the dorms this year.”

The word _boyfriend_ washes over Ellie like a cold wave. She hopes her disappointment isn’t visible on her face. “Oh,” she says, “that’s cool. He’s the guy you were with earlier, right?”

Dina hums an affirmation, ripping off a piece of banana and popping it into her mouth. “So, what’s your major?”

“I actually haven’t declared one yet,” Ellie says. “I’ll probably just get an undeclared BA.”

“That’s cool,” Dina says. “I’m in psychology. It’s the laziest way to declare a major.” Ellie laughs at that, and Dina smiles at her. “You have a nice laugh.”

Blood rushes to Ellie’s cheeks. “Thanks.” Dina tilts her head and Ellie feels like she’s under a microscope.

“Are you going to be going to that frosh dance tonight?”

“Probably not,” Ellie says with a shrug. “Dances aren’t really my thing. Dancing in general.”

“That’s too bad,” Dina says, “Jesse is one of the orientation week organisers and so he’ll be busy all night. I was hoping you’d come with me so I won’t have to spend the whole night helping him screen people for sneaky bootleggers.”

“Me?” Ellie’s eyes widen. “You don’t even know me.”

“So, what, I can’t want to get to know you?” Dina challenges her with a cocked eyebrow.

“Uh,” Ellie stutters. “I guess that’s your risk to take.”

Dina grins, and it’s so bright Ellie thinks it’s going to blind her if she looks right at it. “Great. Come to my room at nine? We can head out from there.” She leans across the table and grabs Ellie’s tattoo-free arm. A marker is produced from her pocket, and she writes down _Dundas 412_. Beside it she puts her name and a phone number. “Text me when you’re on your way.” She stands up and releases Ellie’s arm.

“Sure,” Ellie says, her voice a little breathless.

“See you later, Ellie,” Dina says, and she walks grabs her banana peel and walks away. Ellie watches her go until she’s lost in the growing crowd of hungry students. Then she looks at the fresh black ink on her arm.

“What the fuck just happened?” She asks her empty glass. Shaking her head, she gathers up her dishes and puts them in the bussing tub.

The rest of the day passes agonizingly slowly, and also way too quickly. With every hour that her impending date – not a _date_ date, but she doesn’t know what else to call it when a girl invites you back to her room and writes her number on your arm – with Dina draws closer. She takes nearly an hour just to pick out the best combination of dark jeans and button-up. It takes her a while to get just the right type of eyeliner traced on. Her hair is a lost cause, but she does her best to make it sit with just the right amount of tousled disarray. It completely fails, so she just pulls the front back into a bun. A spritz of her rarely used smoky perfume finishes off her primping session.

She rolls two joints and puts them and a couple cigarettes into the old cigarette case she had stolen from a house party in high school. It’s silver and has the initials _B.J._ carved into it. Probably someone’s dad or grandpa. Now she just calls it the blowjob case. Her lighter tucks into it nicely as well, and it fits into her shirt pocket perfectly. The mickey of Jack Daniels gets the place of honour in her back jeans pocket.

With a text sent out to Dina, Ellie leaves her building and crosses the quad to the Dundas building. She waits outside the door for Dina to come let her in. There are sounds of activity drifting through the night air, music clashing from open windows, and excited voices being carried on the wind. She can see groups of students wandering around the grounds and she can smell the weed they’re smoking.

The door swings open and hits her shoulder.

“Whoops,” Dina says, peeking around the door. “My bad. Come on in!” Ellie smiles and follows Dina up to the fourth floor. The building is a lot like Ellie’s, except the hall is painted a light blue and the floor is grey carpet. Dina pushes the door to her room open, and Ellie steps in.

“Welcome to my humble abode.” Dina goes and sits on her bed, grabbing a colourful can off the side table and taking a long drink.

Her room is larger than Ellie’s to make room for the two beds and desks. Her roommate must be out for the night already. Dina’s side of the room is decorated with twinkling lights and a few colourful wall hangings. There are pictures of smiling people tacked up on the wall. The bed is made with a deep red duvet, and Ellie can see a small teddy bear peeking out from under it. Dina herself is a sight for sore eyes. Her hair is falling around her shoulders, her eyes heavy with dark makeup and her lips painted with a dark colour. She’s got a blue blouse on, and Ellie does her best not to notice how many buttons are undone. Tight black pants are tucked into fancy-looking black ankle boots. The room smells like a heady perfume, something she can’t put her finger on. As Ellie sits down next to Dina, she realizes it’s Dina that smells like that, not the room. Or maybe the room does by association. Either way, it’s intoxicating.

“Do you want a drink?” Dina asks. “I have a bit of an assortment in the fridge.” Ellie stands slightly and pulls out her bottle of whiskey.

“I’m set,” she says, “thanks though.” She uncaps it and takes a long pull. There’s music playing softly in the room, something with an upbeat melody and heavy bass, something that Ellie would never listen to. They drink in relative silence for a minute.

“I figured we could get a buzz here and then the dance wouldn’t be so unbearable,” Dina explains as she drains the rest of her drink.

“Sure,” Ellie says. “I brought some weed, if that’s something you’re into.” Her fingers are itching to calm her nerves with something, the cigarettes in her pocket burning a hole in her chest. She closes them tightly around her bottle, shaking her knee to direct her nervous energy elsewhere.

“Then you definitely need to let me give you a drink,” Dina says, “I can’t mooch off you the first night we hang out. I need to pretend I’m at least a little respectable until we know each other better.”

Ellie waves her off. “I’m good, really. Think of it as a ‘thank you’ for the invitation tonight.” She gives Dina a shaky smile, and Dina holds her gaze for a second, like she’s calculating whether or not it’s worth it to get into this kind of battle. She must decide it’s not, because she reluctantly agrees.

“Next time, I’ll get you back,” she promises, and Ellie thinks it almost sounds like a threat.

They sit around the room and drink until Ellie’s fingers start tingling. Her laughter comes easy at nearly everything Dina says. She’s had a smile on her face for longer than she can remember holding one there for a long time.

It’s near ten-thirty when Dina pulls Ellie up off the bed and they make their way outside to the field where a small outdoor stage has been set up. They veer off course slightly and stand by some trees. Ellie lights up the joint and they pass it back and forth. Dina says something funny about the group of freshman girls that go by them, all wobbling on their heels like newborn giraffes. Ellie leans back against the trunk of a tree, staring up through the leaves at the night sky. The stars are dulled by the lights around them, but she still picks out the north star and the big dipper. She watches Dina try to blow smoke rings, and shows off her own talent. They smoke the joint right down to the filter, and with light heads and heavy feet they make their way into the crowd of gyrating and undulating bodies. The music is the hits of the summer, songs that Ellie is only familiar with through the radio. Dina clearly knows some of them, and she sings along as they jump around and wave their arms around.

Joel had once called what “kids these days” consider dancing “monkey business”. Ellie looks around her at the mess of bouncing bodies and flailing limbs and thinks he might be right. And she thinks she’s lucky that dancing these days is that easy, otherwise she would never survive at any of these events.

Time passes in that hazy way it does when you’re high. Every minute is as long as an hour, and every hour is a minute. They dance until Dina leans in and yells into Ellie’s ear that she needs to pee. Ellie nods and follows her through the crowd. She sits down at the foot of a tree and waits for Dina to come back. She fishes a cigarette from her pocket and lights it, taking a long drag.

“Hey, you cant smoke here.” Ellie looks up and sees that tall guy, Dina’s boyfriend… _Jesse_ , she remembers. He’s on the committee of whatever the fuck, she remembers that too.

“Oh, sorry,” she says, pushing the lit end of her cigarette into the earth. It fizzes out, and she puts it back into the cigarette case. No point wasting a perfectly good smoke.

“You’re Ellie, right?”

“Yeah, I’m Ellie,” she says, staggering to her feet. The world spins underneath her for a second, but she leans against the tree and steadies herself.

“Dina said she was inviting you tonight,” he continues. “I’m Jesse.” They shake hands. “Hey, could you help me with something?”

“Sure, yeah,” Ellie says, following him around the edge of the crowd. Off in the shadows there are a dozen or so cases of soda and water.

“I was supposed to have these at the refreshment table, but I got distracted by some students who were busy getting busy in the bushes,” he explains. “Could you help me move them?” Ellie agrees and grabs a stack of cases. She hides the smug smile that creeps onto her face when she sees an impressed look cross Jesse’s face. Her wiry frame doesn’t give away her strength, and she’s also got the power of alcohol and a stubborn pride on her side.

She follows him to the refreshment table on the other side of the field, and they repeat the process until all the cases are where they’re supposed to be. In thanks, he gives her a free ginger ale. She pops the tab open and sits on the stack of unopened boxes, watching him load warm cans into coolers full of ice.

“So how long have you and Dina been together?” She doesn’t know where the question comes from, but it’s too late to take it back. It feels too personal to ask a guy she only really just met ten minutes ago. But Jesse doesn’t seem to mind, and he smiles as he answers.

“Almost three years now,” he says, “we’ve been friends for a long time, though. I think she’s probably the person I’ve known the longest outside of my family.” Ellie can’t help but feel a little jealous of that. She doesn’t have anyone that she’s known that long. “I hope she didn’t come on too strong,” Jesse continues, “sometimes she can do that. Dina’s just really friendly, strong-willed, all that stuff.”

“Not at all,” Ellie says, “she’s great.”

“Who’s great?” They both whip their heads around and see Dina leaning across the folding plastic table. Ellie feels a big smile break out across her face. Dina’s hair has been gathered into a ponytail and in the dim lighting Ellie can see the sheen of sweat on her brow.

“You,” Jesse says. He walks over to her and gathers her up in his arms, and Ellie looks away as their lips meet. The tug of jealousy in her stomach grows into a wave, but she forces it down. She’s got no reason to be jealous. Jesse releases Dina, and she smiles almost apologetically at Ellie. Of course, Ellie could be a biased narrator here.

“Did you rope Ellie into doing work for you?” Dina says, her voice scolding. Jesse grins sheepishly.

“I’m glad I did,” he says, “girl looks scrawny but she’s got serious guns.” Dina shoves his shoulder and Ellie watches them bicker. She feels a little like she’s intruding on their relationship, watching them interact with each other. They’re joking around with the ease that only comes from knowing someone near your whole life, and Ellie is an outsider to their intimacy. Finally Dina turns to Ellie, and Ellie can barely remember her own name as she takes in Dina’s smile and her eyes and her hair…

“Ellie? You in there?” Ellie blinks back to reality. Dina is laughing at her. “Dude, you’re so high.” A lazy grin spreads across Ellie’s face.

“Yeah I’m fucking baked,” she says with a chuckle.

Dina looks at Jesse, “you’re stuck here all night?”

“Probably,” Jesse says. “I’m on puke patrol.”

Ellie scrunches up her nose at that. “That’s disgusting.”

“Agreed,” Dina says. “Come on, we’re getting out of here before we have to get anywhere near that mess.” She grabs Ellie’s hands and helps her to her feet, and then they’re off back across the field.

“I’m kind of tired,” Ellie says over the pumping bass, “I might go to bed.”

“Yeah let’s go,” Dina agrees. Ellie isn’t sure exactly what Dina means by that, but it’s soon made clear as Dina leads her back to her room. The twinkly lights are still on, and there’s still no sign of the roommate. Dina collapses onto her bed and pulls Ellie down beside her.

“So,” Ellie starts, but she doesn’t know what to say next. Her voice trails off in the quiet room, the only sound the distant music coming in through the open window.

“Where are you from, Ellie?” Dina asks, finally breaking the silence.

Ellie folds her hands together on top of her stomach. “A lot of places.” _More than I can remember_ , she adds in her head.

Dina punches her shoulder, and Ellies gives a loud “ow!”.

“Stop trying to be all moody and mysterious.”

“I’m _not_ ,” Ellie insists, “I’m…I’m a system kid, okay?” She tries to say it lightheartedly, but she doesn’t miss the flash of pity that crosses Dina’s face. It’s nothing she hasn’t seen before, and so she tries to get the attention off of her tragic backstory. “How about you, are you from around here?”

“A few hours south,” Dina says, and Ellie can tell she picked up Ellie’s reluctance to continue this conversation, “a place called Jackson. Small town, up in the mountains.”

“Sounds nice,” Ellie says.

“Mhm,” Dina hums. “I like it. I like when you know every one of your neighbours. It’s all about community, we all rely on each other to survive.”

“I don’t know much about that.” The words slip through Ellie’s lips before she can stop them. Dina turns her head and looks at Ellie, and Ellie turns her head to look at Dina. Their noses are only inches away, and Ellie can smell the sweet tang of booze on Dina’s breath.

“That’s sad, Ellie.” Dina says it like a secret, soft and between just the two of them.

“I guess so,” Ellie whispers back.

“I hope you start to feel you can count on me,” Dina says, and Ellie’s heart jumps into her throat.

“I’ve only known you for a day.” Ellie can’t believe that she wants to add that she does feel that way already, that she already feels like she would trust Dina with her life. That Dina is starting to join that already small group of people Ellie lets in past her barbed wire covered emotional walls.

“So?”

Ellie can’t think of a retort. Her tongue feels heavy in her mouth, and her eyes are drifting shut. “I think I’m going to pass out here if I don’t leave soon.”

“That’s okay,” Dina says, kicking off her boots and shuffling around until she’s kicked off her pants and has slipped under the covers. She pulls back one side of them and pats the mattress. Ellie sits up and pulls off her shoes. She empties her pockets onto the bedside table, and lies down, half her body hanging off the edge of the small bed.

“I’m not going to bite,” Dina mumbles, grabbing Ellie’s arm and tugging until their backs are pressed up against each other. Ellie hopes that the other girl can’t feel her heartbeat through her back, because it feels like it’s going to rip through her ribs and skin and just lie exposed on the bed.

“G’night,” Ellie whispers. She feels Dina’s arm reach around and pat her shoulder. Then she drifts off to sleep.

* * *

**_October 2014_ **

Ellie dangles her feet over the edge of the staircase. She’s got her phone against her ear, listening to it ring. The wind picks up fallen leaves and she watches them dance across the street.

“ _Hello?_ ”

Joel’s voice crackles through the line and it sounds like home.

“Hi,” Ellie says, “it’s me.”

“ _Hey kid,_ ” he says, and she hears him close the creaky front door of his house. “ _What’s up?_ ”

“I just wanted to check in.”

“ _I thought I was the one who was supposed to check in with you_.” Ellie can hear the smile in his voice.

“Maybe I’m just worried about how you’re going to be ready for winter without your best workhorse.”

He chuckles and Ellie can see him now, leaning against the counter in the kitchen and rubbing his beard with his free hand. “ _With those twigs you call arms?_ ”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I’ve gotten a lot stronger since you dropped me off,” Ellie says, feigning offence. “I joined a dodgeball team.”

“ _You joind a team?_ ” He whistles. “ _I never thought I’d see the day where you played well with others._ ”

“I mean, the whole game is just throwing shit at people as hard as I can,” she says, “it’s perfect.”

“ _How the hell did you get talked into that?_ ” She hears the tap turn on in the background.

Ellie scratches at her eyebrow, feeling weirdly reluctant to give up any information about her new friends. She knows Joel will be happy that she’s made friends, but that’s maybe why she feels unsure about telling him. He was so sure she would need to make friends, and she wanted so badly to prove him wrong.

“I, uh,” she swallows nervously, “I made some friends. A guy, Jesse, and a girl named Dina. Jesse is pretty involved in school stuff, and he invited me to join his intermural dodgeball team.” Before he can say anything, she cuts in again. “It’s not a big deal, okay? Just…it’s not. Okay?”

“ _Okay_ ,” he says after a beat. “ _So, you gonna come home for Christmas still? Tommy invited us up to his place._ ”

Ellie smiles and releases a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “Is Maria cooking? Because after last Easter, I think Tommy needs to be banned from the kitchen for fucking ever.”


	2. December 2014-April 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ellie, that was beautiful,” Dina says, and when Ellie looks at her, there’s something in her eyes that makes Ellie’s heart skip a beat. Something Ellie is sure she’s imagining.

**_December 2014_ **

Ellie’s favourite thing about Christmas is that there’s always a fire burning in the hearth. Day or night, there are embers glowing away under the mantel that Tommy and her had made when she was sixteen. She’s still got the scar on her hand from where she had taken a chunk of skin off with a poorly-held nail.

It’s past midnight, and she’s sitting in front of the fireplace, noodling around on Tommy’s dusty old guitar. Her fingers find chords easily, not moving in particular pattern. She bends some strings and tries to remember the country riff that Joel had shown her yesterday. She struggles to get the string bent up enough and it pops back with a buzz.

“Fuck you,” she says to her fingers. Joel had made it look so easy, his large hands stronger and more practiced. With a huff of frustration, she sets the guitar down and pushes herself up off the couch. She grabs a heavy oak log from the chest next to the fireplace and opens up the front of the fireplace. The heat blasts out and stings her eyes, and she shoves the log in as deep as she can. Quietly, she closes the door again. She stands up and dusts her hands off.

She turns and sees Joel standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He’s got a heavy cable-knit sweater on, and he’s holding out her jacket to her. Ellie walks over and takes it.

“C’mon,” he says, and they pull on their heavy boots. Ellie pulls her hood on as they step outside. Snow is falling slowly, lit by silvery moonlight. Their breath puffs out in front of them like smoke as Ellie follows Joel across the yard and through the surrounding woods.

“Joel, where-“ He cuts her off, holding up a finger to tell her to be quiet. Ellie rolls her eyes, but shuts her mouth and follows along behind him. She steps where his heavy steps have left footprints in the snow, and that old Christmas carol about Wenceslas comes to her head.

They walk like this for another fifteen minutes, the only sounds the crunching of the snow beneath their feet and the occasional rustle of branches as they push through the brush. The moon breaks through bare tree tops and lights their way. Finally, they break through the trees and reach an overlook. Ellie stops beside Joel, looking down the cliffside.

Joel peers through a pair of binoculars Ellie hadn’t noticed before. “Yep, there they are.” He passes the binoculars to Ellie. “Straight ahead by that frozen crick.” Ellie lifts the binoculars to her eyes and adjusts the focus until the image is clear. She pans across the valley until she sees what Joel is talking about.

“Wow,” she breathes.

A pack of grey wolves is feeding on what looks like an elk carcass. Ellie counts seven wolves, all ripping meat from the bones. She can see the steam still rising from the dead elk; it couldn’t have been dead more than a couple hours.

“Pretty cool, right?” Joel says. Ellie nods, unable to tear her eyes away. “That pack has been tracking the herd of elk for a while now. You can still see the tracks of the other elk where they went running off into the woods on the other side there.” Ellie takes a look, but elk tracks aren’t anywhere near as cool as feeding wolves, and she quickly returns her view to the pack.

“How did you find them?” Ellie watches as the biggest wolf, probably the alpha male, snaps at a smaller pack member trying to sneak a piece of the alpha’s meat.

“I’ve been watching them for a few days now,” Joel says. “I noticed some tracks down by the old lumber yard. The elk had been moving through the woods near the house as well. Wolves always strike out in the open, so it was an easy track to find their hunting grounds.”

“Show off,” she mumbles. Joel laughs, and a grin creeps onto her lips.

“And you’re a binocular hog,” he says, “I spent all my time tracking these wolves and I don’t even get to reap the rewards.” But he doesn’t make a movement to take back the binoculars. Eventually Ellie’s fingers get cold and she has to pass the binoculars over. She cups her hands over her mouth and blows hot air into them.

Joel takes a long look, and then he takes off his gloves and passes them to Ellie. “Thanks,” she says, pulling them on. They’re too big, but warmed from his hands.

“Let’s get back,” Joel says, “it looks like they’re getting ready to move on.” Ellie nods, and they turn back and start trekking back to the house.

“Thanks,” Ellie says, stepping over a fallen tree, “that was really cool.”

“Just try not to rub it in Tommy’s face too much,” Joel says. “You know how he gets when we don’t invite him.”

Ellie laughs. “Me? Rub it in?” She feigns insult.

“Yes, you,” Joel chuckles, “you’re a brat.”

“Well that seems a little harsh,” Ellie says, a wide smile stretching her cheeks.

“Mhm, I’m sure it does.”

They make it back to the house and Joel does his best to close the squeaky front door quietly.

“I’ll make us some cocoa,” he says, “you go warm up by the fire.” Ellie nods, tucking herself into the corner of the couch and pulling a warm wool blanket over her knees. She listens to Joel hum quietly to himself as he putters around the kitchen. The fire crackles soothingly, and she watches the flames dance around the log. Her thoughts drift to her friends, wondering what they’re doing now. Tonight was the last night of Hanukkah, and also Christmas Eve. They’re probably both with their families. Dina had told Ellie all about her family’s traditions, and bragged about how much better latkes were than those Christmas fruit cakes. Jesse had argued back that they were two totally different kinds of food, but Dina had just called him a goy and blown a cloud of smoke into his face.

Ellie smiles at the memory, and grabs her phone to see if she’d gotten any texts from them. Reception is pretty spotty this far out in the middle of nowhere, but sometimes things can get through. No dice this time. Either the reception is too bad, or they just hadn’t texted her.

Joel interrupts her with a hot mug of cocoa, and he sits down at the other end of the couch.

“Any word from those friends of yours?” He asks, taking a sip from his own mug. He gets a bit of cocoa foam stuck on his moustache.

“Nothing,” Ellie replies. “The reception here is ass.”

“You know, one day that potty mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble.” He tries to scold her, but they both know it’s useless and baseless.

“Trouble is my middle name,” Ellie reminds him. “It’s going to find me no matter how many times I say fuck.” She sees him hide a smile behind another sip of cocoa.

“School is going okay?”

Ellie groans. “Do we have to talk about school?”

“Yes, we do have to talk about school,” Joel says, mocking her whiny tone. “If it’s not going okay, we’re going to have to look into other options.”

“It’s fine, okay?” Ellie takes a sip of cocoa, scowling. It tastes like heaven, and she has to try hard to stay angry through the sweet taste.

“Okay.” He seems to relent. At least, for a second. “And your friends, they’re good folk?”

“ _Good folk_?” Ellie snorts. “You know that no one says shit like that anymore?”

“Oh, shut up,” he says.

“Good folk,” she mutters. “They’re cool. I like them.”

“I guess that’s what matters,” Joel says. “You should invite them up here for New Year’s Eve. I’m sure Maria won’t mind two extra mouths to feed.”

“Maybe.” Ellie feels her heart pick up a little faster. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see them, she actually really wants to see them. And having them here for New Year’s would cut a lot of the boredom. But she doesn’t want to ask and be told no, or have them come up and have a million questions about who these people are. And what if Maria, or Tommy, or Joel start telling stories about her, stories they don’t know that her friends aren’t going to understand.

“What, you scared we’re gonna embarrass you?” Ellie hesitates. “Because you should be. I know I’m pretty cool, but you know how embarrassing Tommy can be.” Ellie lets out a little puff of laughter at that.

“He _is_ pretty fuckin’ awkward.”

Joel laughs. “Pretty fuckin’ awkward.”

* * *

Ellie manages to get a text sent and a reply received from Dina about New Year’s Eve. Her and Jesse happily accepted Ellie’s invitation, and they’ll stay at Tommy’s until the three of them drive back to campus together when it opens up.

So now Ellie is waiting on the front porch for her friends to arrive. It’s a cold day, but there’s no wind, so sitting outside is almost pleasant. She rubs her gloved hands together and wishes she could sneak a smoke. Her knee is bouncing up and down, nervous to have these two parts of her life collide. She’s not sure how to introduce Joel, Tommy, and Maria to Dina and Jesse. Their relationships are different, they’re family but they’re not…well, they’re not the typical definition of family. The last thing Ellie wants to do is spend her last days of winter break talking about her past and rehashing all the shit she’s been through to get to where she is.

The front door swings open and Maria comes out, a steaming mug clutched between her hands.

“Hey,” Ellie says. “Just waiting for them.”

“Fine by me,” Maria says, “so long as you don’t catch your death out here.” She hands the mug to Ellie, and the strong smell of coffee reaches her nostrils. “Now, is there anything you need to tell me about our guests? Dietary concerns? An aversion to wool?”

Ellie holds the coffee up to her nose and leans back against the railing of the porch. “Dina is Jewish,” she says, “but I don’t know exactly what that means for her diet. I’ve seen Jesse eat pretty much everything you can imagine.”

“Okay then,” Maria says. “You come inside if it gets any colder, alright? I’m not sending you back to college with hypothermia.”

Ellie rolls her eyes and sips the coffee. “Sure.” Seemingly satisfied with that answer, Maria heads back inside. For the moment the door hangs open, Ellie can hear Joel and Tommy roaring with laughter inside as Willie Nelson plays in the background.

_Great_ , Ellie thinks, _my friends have to come and suffer through dad jokes and Willie fuckin’ Nelson._

She waits another ten minutes until there’s the telltale sound of a heavy truck making its way up the hill. The snow crunches beneath tires, and soon enough Jesse’s big red truck is parking in the front field. Ellie’s heart jumps into her throat, and it only beats harder when she sees her friends forms hop out of the cab and grab their bags from the back.

“Ellie!” Dina yells, waving her hand. Ellie stands up straight and waves back, putting her mug down on the railing. She starts down the steps but Jesse yells at her to stay put. Leaning against the porch column, Ellie watches her friends jog through the snow to reach her. As soon as Dina is within arm’s length, she wraps Ellie up in a hug. She smells clean, and Ellie likes the way her shampoo smells familiar now.

Once Dina releases her, Jesse offers her his fist.

“Fuck you,” Ellie says, and he laughs.

“Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

Ellie raises her eyebrows. “Oh, I absolutely can. And I do.”

“He’s been trying to get everyone to give him a fist bump all holidays,” Dina says, bumping her shoulder into Jesse.

“My brother did it,” Jesse says in his own defense.

“Your brother is twelve years old.”

“So?”

Ellie didn’t realise how much she’d missed their bickering until now. She also hadn’t remembered just how annoying it is when they get going.

“Okay, that’s enough of that,” she cuts in just as Jesse is about to give a demonstration of…well, she’s not sure what, but it seems to involve a lot of wild hand gestures. “C’mon. Let’s go inside.”

“Lead the way, cap’n,” Jesse says with a sloppy salute. Ellie does so with a shake of her head. She holds the door open for them, and the three of them kick off their boots in the small mud room. Their coats are hung up on the hooks, and Ellie leads them around the corner.

Joel and Tommy’s heads turn from where they’re sitting on the couch.

“Uh, Dina and Jesse,” Ellie says, pointing at both of them, “that’s Joel and Tommy.” Joel stands up and walks over, shaking Dina’s hand and then Jesse’s.

“Pleasure to meet you both,” he says.

“Likewise,” Dina answers. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Ellie doesn’t think that’s as true as Dina is making it sound, and she can see that Joel doesn’t quite believe it either. But he still smiles and says, “All bad, I hope.”

“Is there anything else to say?” Ellie pipes in.

Maria comes down the stairs then, and there’s another round of introductions. She then commandeers things and shows Dina and Jesse to the room they’re sharing with Ellie. While they’re upstairs, Ellie helps Joel and Tommy with dinner prep.

“Hey, how many times do I have to tell you to cut those properly?” Tommy is hovering over her as she slices up onions.

“How the hell is there a proper way to cut onions?” She snaps at him.

“Joel, tell your kid to watch her tone,” Tommy says with a chuckle. Ellie scowls at him, but can’t hold it for very long.

“I’ve been tryin’ to get her to watch her tone since she was fifteen,” Joel says, “and it’s a lost cause.”

Tommy watches her a little longer. “I can’t take it any longer,” he says, throwing up his hands dramatically. “Get out, put that knife down and move over.” He’s smiling at her as she passes him the knife, and Ellie watches him start his so-called “expert” knife skills.

“Well what the hell am I supposed to do?” She looks between the two brothers.

“There’s some wood that needs chopping,” Tommy says, “I think that might be more suited to your techniques.”

“Ha _ha,_ you’re hilarious,” Ellie snarks.

“Why thank you,” he tips an invisible hat to her, “but I wasn’t kiddin’. Get your scrawny ass outside and chop.”

Ellie groans. “Quit your whining,” Joel calls out to her as she tromps to the door. “You gotta pull your weight around here the same as the rest of us, ain’t our fault that you suck at chopping onions.”

“There’s no right way to chop an onion!” Ellie yells as she pulls her jacket on and heads outside. The woodshed is closed up, and she opens it to see a high stock of logs that need splitting. She grabs the axe from the inside of the shed door and swings it into the stump that sits next to the shed. She pulls out a few logs.

Once the log is set on the stump, Ellie lines her axe up with the seam. She’s learned a lot about this kind of thing since moving in with Joel. There’s a seam in every log, and it takes a while to learn how to read each one. She brings the axe over her shoulder and takes a deep breath.

It comes down swiftly and cleanly. The sound of the axe biting into the wood echoes in the clearing around the house. It takes a few more hits to get it to split.

“This looks fun.” It’s Jesse, coming down the steps of the porch.

“Feel free to take over,” Ellie says. Jesse shrugs and takes the axe from her. Ellie’s seen him throw a dodgeball, so it’s no surprise when he cleanly splits the first log he swings at. “Show off.”

Jesse laughs. “I’m no first-time wood chopper.”

“I guess you _are_ from the sticks,” Ellie teases.

“So, what do you call this?” Jesse gestures at the wilderness around them.

“Fair enough.”

He chops up the remaining wood, and together they bring it inside. Ellie shows him the chest where the logs go, and they toss a few more on the fire. Voices carry in from the kitchen, and they go investigate.

Dina is chopping vegetables next to Tommy. The two seem to be in some sort of race of who can get through their pile of potatoes first. Joel is leaning against the counter with a beer, watching the two of them go at it.

“She’s gonna kick his ass,” Jesse says, and Ellie notes the proud smile on his face. Dina shoots a sharp, “quiet!” at him. Ellie smirks and watches as she halves the potato, and then expertly chops it into even pieces.

“Hey, old man,” Ellie heckles Tommy, “that’s not the right way to slice a potato.” She laughs at his scowl and walks over to the fridge. She pulls out two beers and tosses one to Jesse, opening hers on the side of the counter.

“Done!” It’s Dina who shouts first. Tommy curses and drops the knife onto the cutting board.

Joel leans over and takes a look. “She wins by _three_ whole potatoes.” He whistles, and pats Tommy on the shoulder. “Maybe now you’ve learned your lesson, brother.”

“I let her win,” Tommy protests, “it’s only polite. She’s a guest in my house.”

“Sure,” Dina says, wiping her hands off on a dishtowel, “whatever helps you sleep at night.” Ellie watches her walk over to Jesse and take a sip of his beer. She ignores the twist in her gut.

“A good meal and a pretty wife,” Tommy says as Maria walks into the kitchen, “that’s what helps me sleep at night.” He catches her around the waist and brings her body to his. Ellie exchanges a look with Joel, the one that says “that cheesy fucking bastard”.

Maria swats his chest and pushes him away, but she doesn’t try to hide the smile on her face. “You’re a real piece of work, Thomas Miller.”

“God’s finest,” he says with a grin.

Ellie hears Joel mutter under his breath, “Jesus Christ.” She snickers into her beer, and tries to avoid looking at how Dina is leaning back against Jesse.

“Get those potatoes in a pot before we all go hungry for New Year’s,” Maria instructs her husband as she grabs a bottle of wine from a cupboard. “Can I offer anyone a glass of wine?”

Dina raises her hand and gratefully takes the glass that is offered. Ellie grimaces at the smell of it as Maria walks by with her own glass, sickly sweet and bitterly alcoholic. The smell of the chicken roasting in the oven helps recover her stomach, and she takes a long drink of her beer.

“Now,” Maria turns and looks at the lot of them, “who’s up for a game before dinner?”

* * *

“Fuck _you_ , fuck _you,_ and fuck _you_ in particular,” Dina grumbles as she pays Ellie a hefty three hundred dollars. Ellie ruffles the money and sniffs it.

“Sweet, sweet profits,” she sighs. Dina leans across the game board and slugs her in the arm. “Hey! Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Dina sits back down in her seat, arms crossed and face sour. “I _do_ hate the game. I’m capable of hating the game and the player at the same time.”

“Doesn’t bother me as long as I own half this board,” Ellie says with a smug smile, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms behind her head.

“Can anyone lend me thirty bucks?” Jesse looks up from his measly pile of paper bills.

“Mortgage something, like the rest of us peasants.” Dina flips over two of her property cards, and Jesse huffs.

“I give up. I quit. It’s not worth the satisfaction Ellie is getting out of this.” He tosses his remaining money into the middle of the board.

“Aw, don’t be a sore loser,” Ellie says, holding back her laughter. Jesse waves her off and wanders into the kitchen to grab another drink. She looks at Dina and raises her eyebrow in a clear challenge.

“I’ve got seventy dollars left,” Dina groans. “This isn’t much of a competition anymore.”

“Fine,” Ellie says, “I’ll let you quit if you just say one thing.”

Dina regards her warily. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

“Eh, probably not,” Ellie says with a wicked grin. “Okay, all you have to say is,” she clears her throat in a very self-important way, “Ellie is the supreme Monopoly player, and she is better than me at everything she tries, and because of this,” she holds up a finger as Dina starts to protest, “I bow down to her and worship her as the most talented person in this house.”

“Fuck you,” Dina says, and Ellie likes the way her lips curl up in a small smile, and how her eyes roll just the smallest bit.

“Either that or let me totally bankrupt you,” Ellie says, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly.

Jesse sits back down beside Dina and puts his arm across the back of her chair. “I’d say it if I were you, D. You know she’s just going to be insufferable either way.”

“I’ll take my chances with the di.” Dina grabs the di from the table and gives them a shake. She holds them up to Jesse, who blows on them for luck.

“Good luck getting past Park Place,” Ellie sing-songs.

“C’mon, give me anything higher than a seven,” and Dina casts the di. They turn up, one with a three and the other…also a three. “Fuck!” Dina slumps back in her chair. Ellie bursts out laughing, and Jesse joins her.

“You ready to admit defeat?”

Dina scowls and flips her off. “Next time, I’m kicking your ass.”

“Sure,” Ellie says, reaching across the table and taking Dina’s last seventy dollars for herself, “whatever helps you sleep at night.” She gives the other girl a wink, and she thinks she sees her cheeks redden a little, which in turn makes Ellie blush. Why did she wink? Who the hell winks at people anymore?

“You kids done with that game?” Joel calls out to them from where he’s sitting in the armchair by the fire, gently plucking at the guitar. Tommy and Maria are on the couch, Tommy’s arm across Maria’s shoulders. The three of them are bathed in the glow from the fire. “It’s nearly midnight and we still haven’t heard any music from the master of monopoly.”

Ellie groans. “Joel, c’mon.”

“Ah-ah, it’s tradition.” He holds out the guitar and gestures her over with his head. “Don’t go gettin’ stage fright on me now.”

“You play guitar?” Jesse and Dina are looking at her with surprise. Ellie sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

“Kinda.”

“Let’s hear a song, kiddo,” Tommy encourages her, take a sip from his glass of whiskey.

“Fine,” she relents, “but _only_ because it’s tradition.” Ellie pushes her chair back from the table and walks over to Joel, taking the guitar and sitting on the arm of his chair. She checks the tuning quickly, and takes the capo from the side table.

“Play me somethin’ pretty,” Joel says, giving her a cheeky grin. Ellie snorts and sticks the capo on the fourth fret. She takes a moment to let her fingers form some silent chords, and then she’s off. It’s an easy picking pattern, and she smiles as her hands start working on their own.

“Well, I am just a poor boy,” Joel starts singing softly, “though my story’s seldom told.” Ellie nods and joins him, their voices both quiet and tentative. She registers Dina and Jesse coming and sitting on the couch, but she focuses on the timbre of Joel’s voice, and the way the strings feel under her fingertips. The others join in at the parts they know, and Ellie lets the music wash over her like a waterfall.

Like all songs, it’s over too quickly. There’s a light smattering of applause and small cheers. Joel smiles at her, and Ellie can see the pride in his eyes.

“Ellie, that was beautiful,” Dina says, and when Ellie looks at her, there’s something in her eyes that makes Ellie’s heart skip a beat. Something Ellie is sure she’s imagining.

“Um, thanks,” she says. A look at the clock on the mantel and she’s never been more grateful to the passage of time to distract her. “One minute to midnight.”

Tommy grabs the bottle of champagne from the floor and passes it over to Joel. “Your turn this year, I think.” Joel looks at the bottle and seems to contemplate it, or contemplate something. Then he holds it up to Ellie.

“I’ll trade you,” he offers. Ellie nods and hands him the guitar, taking the bottle. “Just don’t go taking anyone’s eye out with that.”

“I’ll do my best,” she says. They watch the clock until there are only ten seconds left. Together, they count it down. As the second hand crosses the 12, Ellie pops the bottle of champagne and pours the foaming liquid into the glasses set out on the coffee table. In her peripherals she can see Dina and Jesse exchange a chaste kiss, Tommy and Maria doing the same. She grabs a glass and passes it to Joel, grabbing herself one as well.

They wait until everyone has a glass in hand, and Maria speaks up. “To a happy and healthy new year, full of success and love.”

“Cheers,” Tommy says, and they echo the sentiment, clinking glasses together. Ellie locks eyes with Dina, and the smile that the other girl gives her fills Ellie’s chest with optimism that this year might be the one that goes her way.

* * *

**_April 2015_ **

“Up and on your left!”

Ellie looks where Jesse’s voice indicates, and she sees the hold he’s talking about. With a grunt, she shifts her weight and reaches up with her left arm. Her fingers nearly slip off the rock, and she feels a sharp pain as something jabs into her palm.

“Fuck,” she hisses in pain.

“You good?” Jesse calls from the ground where he’s watching her climb.

“Yeah, just grabbed something pointy,” Ellie calls back. She can see her next hold about eight inches up. Her legs will need to come up to give her the momentum and length she needs. She knows there’s a good foothold somewhere above her right foot, and she takes the risk to lift her right foot and feel around for it. Her hands grip the rock face tightly, and she can feel her muscles straining to keep her up. Her toes scrabble against the rock, her knee tucking up into her chest as she hunts for the foothold.

It only takes a second for her to hit the ground. Or, the landing pad that Jesse had wisely put underneath her. Winded for a moment, Ellie shuts her eyes and slams her fist down in frustration. She sits up and inspects the small puncture on her palm. No blood, but a definite red mark.

“That was pretty good,” Jesse says, offering his hand to her. She takes it and lets him pull her up. “You just brought your knee too close to your body, there wasn’t enough room for it between you and the wall.” He goes on to explain the best way to manoeuvre your leg, and Ellie takes it in.

Jesse had gotten her into free-climbing after they had come back to school from the holidays. Their college had a small bouldering gym that they had spent nearly four nights a week at, and now that the weather was more consistently warm enough to climb outside, Jesse had started taking her out to his favourite climbing spots. It was hard work, and it left Ellie’s whole body sore every time, but she loved the adrenaline of it, the way her body would fight her but then give in to her demands. For every ten times she falls, there’s one time where she makes it just one step further. It’s everything she likes in a challenge.

They sit down together on the mat and drink from their water bottles. Ellie pulls her hoodie back on and wipes some sweat from her forehead with her sleeve.

“What are you and Dina getting up to tonight?” Ellie asks him, accepting the apple he hands her.

“We’re actually, uh, we’re taking a bit of a break right now,” he says through a mouthful of trail mix.

Ellie hates the way her heart lifts at that. Some friend she is. “Really? Why?”

“I dunno,” Jesse says with a shrug, “I think we both just…we’ve been together a long time, y’know.” Ellie nods, although now she feels more confused that she did a moment ago. “I guess I’d be surprised if we stayed together through the summer.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I mean, it’s never easy.” He takes a sip of his water, and Ellie waits for him to continue. “But I think we both need a break. Even if in five years we get back together, I think we need to have some time to just…explore our options.”

“Sure,” Ellie says, “but if you love her, why do you need to explore options?” _I can’t imagine not being happy to be with Dina forever._ That part she makes sure does not slip past her lips.

“I can’t explain it, okay?” Jesse lies back on the mat, pushing his hair back from his face. “I don’t know if we’re going to be together forever, but I _do_ know that I – that we both wouldn’t be happy with ourselves if we just took the easy autopilot road and just stayed together because it’s easy and familiar.”

Ellie nods. “Sorry if I was a dick.”

“Nah. It’s cool, man.”

They fall into comfortable silence, Ellie’s crunching bites of the apple the only thing breaking the calm of the forest.

“Hey, Jesse?”

“Yeah?”

Ellie hesitates, not sure how to say what it is she’s trying to say. “Look, there’s…I want you to know something. About me.” Jesse sits up, and looks at her with his intense eyes, and she falters under the attention. Taking a deep breath, she soldiers on. “I’m not…I mean, uh, I don’t… _fuck_ , why is this so hard?” She closes her eyes. “I’m kind of…gay.”

There’s a moment of silence and then Jesse starts laughing.

“Hey!” Ellie can’t believe what she’s seeing. Her best friend, that she just _came out_ to, is laughing at her. “It’s not funny, asshole!” She punches him in the arm.

“Ow, hey!” She punches him again. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry, I’m not laughing _at_ you, okay?” He rubs his arm where she slugged him. “You punch hard, you know that?”

“I’ll punch you even harder if the next words out of your mouth aren’t an explanation,” Ellie threatens him.

“Fucking Christ, all right there Bruce Lee,” Jesse says. “Look, Ellie, you have to know that…you’re probably the only person I’ve ever met who has given off such immediate gay vibes.”

“What?” She’s indignant.

“I mean, is it wrong to stereotype people? Absolutely, one-hundred percent.” Jesse considers this for a second. “Like when people just assume I’m an engineering student, or that I’m going to be amazing at math. It’s wrong, and rude, and racist. But is it sometimes a little bit accurate? Sure. I _am_ pretty good at math.”

“What the fuck are you even talking about right now?”

Jesse laughs. “I’m just saying, if you’re trying to pass as straight, you’re going to have to start trying a lot harder.” Ellie looks down at her ratty hoodie and basketball shorts, and thinks about her closet full of flannel and button up shirts.

“I guess I can see where you’re coming from,” she acquiesces. Jesse pats her on the back consolingly.

“Come on, K.D. Lang, let’s give this rock another shot.”

“Fuck you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be away for a bit, so I wanted to put this out there. I'm happy to see there are so many other people who needed something like this after the game, like I did. I'll keep putting out content as often as I can. Thank you :) (also it's HARD to have PACING when all you want are the gays to be happy)


	3. June 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is this where you murder me?” Ellie teases, and Dina fakes laughter, sitting on the sun-warmed rock.
> 
> “Stop ruining a nice moment,” Dina says, with a critical raise of her eyebrow. “You’re about to see something awesome.” 
> 
> “I swear to god, if you say ‘my face’, I’m going to walk back home.”

_June 2015_

Jackson is a beautiful town nestled in a valley. The houses are old, with coloured siding and wrap-around porches. It’s only about ten streets, and Ellie likes how the town’s bar is called the Tipsy Bison and everyone’s truck is at least ten years old.

Her new-used car pulls into Dina’s driveway with only one worrying mechanical groan. The house is two stories, an old farmhouse style with faded red siding and a white porch. She notices the smell set of stairs and the ramp beside it. As she takes in the windchimes hanging around the porch roof’s eaves, Ellie realises she probably knows less about Dina’s home life than Dina does about Ellie’s. This week is like a sudden immersion, a baptism by fire, a…something else sudden and most likely confusing.

Grabbing her duffel bag from the passenger seat, Ellie gets out of the car and pops the lock down on her door, slamming it shut. As she’s shoving her keys into her pocket, the front door swings open and Dina pops out of it.

“Oooh, who’s that hot girl with the fancy new car?” Dina teases as she leans over the porch railing. Ellie flips her off.

“Dickhead,” she calls back, stopping at the foot of the stairs. Dina laughs and waves her up the stairs. Ellie shakes her head. “Apologise for insulting Bertha.”

“Bertha?” Dina raises an eyebrow at that, and Ellie nods. “You named your car Bertha? Ellie, you realise you may as well have named her ‘slow, old, and in need of new parts’?”

“She’s Bertha, and now you’ve insulted her again.”

“Oh my god, has anyone ever told you that you’re frustrating?” Dina huffs and they hold each other’s challenging gaze for a minute until Dina throw up her hands in surrender. “Bertha, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Ellie walks up the steps. “Thank you. She appreciates it.” Dina punches her in the shoulder and then pulls her into a tight hug. Ellie awkwardly pats her on the back and does her best to hide the fact that she’s definitely kind of sniffing her hair.

“Are you sniffing my hair?”

 _Fuck_. “Uh, no, I was just trying to see if that stink was coming from you or if it’s just the air.”

“Fuck you.” Dina lowers her arms and grabs Ellie’s free hand. “Come on, let’s get you settled.”

The inside of Dina’s house is about as eclectic as Ellie had imagined it might be. There seems to be Hebrew writing on just about every piece of décor, even an old Coca-Cola sign in Hebrew. There are old photographs, like _old_ photographs, ones in black and white and even some in that weird sepia tone. Dina tells her to follow her upstairs, and Ellie does so, looking at the wind chimes hanging from the ceiling above the stairs. At the top of the stairs is what looks like a small shrine, photographs of a man who looks like Dina surrounded by candles, a star of David painted onto the wall above. Dina leads her to the room at the far end of the hall, and Ellie feels like she’s stepped into a whole other world from the rest of the house.

Aside from the family picture on the dresser, this room is much like Dina’s dorm room. Lights hang around the top of the wall, a double bed pushed into a corner. The decorations in here are less thematic, some posters of celebrities and old movies on the pale blue walls.

“I hope you don’t mind sharing my bed,” Dina says, “we don’t really have a guest room, my sister uses it to pray.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s fine,” Ellie says. “It’ll be a nice change from trying to share a single bed on campus with your bed-hogging ass.” She drops her bag on the floor by the foot of the bed, and fishes her phone out of it. “Sorry, I have to text Joel that I made it, or he’ll flip.”

“Sure,” Dina says, sitting on her bed. She waits while Ellie types out a text and sends it off. “Are you hungry? I told Jesse we would let him know when we head out for lunch.”

“I could eat, yeah.” Ellie hides her confusion about Dina and Jesse’s ever-changing relationship status. Dina smiles and they make their way down the stairs. As they’re about to leave, a woman’s voice calls out from the back of the house in a language Ellie doesn’t recognize.

“Sorry, that’s my mom,” Dina says, “she might need a hand with something.” Ellie nods and stands in the hall, waiting while Dina disappears down the hallway. She can hear Dina’s voice and her mother’s voice mingling in the foreign language. Ellie feels that awkward feeling that comes with being in someone’s house for the first time and not knowing what the hell is going on. She wanders around the entryway, admiring the small coloured-glass tubes that sit on the windowsills. Her phone buzzes with a text from Joel, and she takes twice as long as usual to check it, even though all it says is “ok have fun”.

“Okay, you ready?” Dina come back down the hall, looking flustered for the first time Ellie’s ever seen.

“Uh, yeah,” Ellie says, “everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Dina says, and Ellie notices the edge to her voice, and she doesn’t push the matter. “Come on, the Tipsy Bison waits for no one.”

They walk down the street in silence for a while, and Ellie waits for Dina to speak first. This isn’t a side of Dina that Ellie hasn’t seen before. Sure, she’s seen her get stressed over homework, and seen her get angry, but this seems like something different. Ellie can see a different weight to Dina’s steps, a small furrow of her brow that isn’t usually there.

“Can you text Jesse?” Is how Dina breaks the silence, and Ellie nods. She slows down as she sends Jesse a text ( _Dina’s taking me to the Tipsy Bison_ ) and then has to double time to catch up to Dina.

“So, what language was that, that you were speaking with your mom?” Ellie asks. She probably sounds like an insensitive, uncultured white person, but she needs the weird silence to end. It’s unlike Dina to be this quiet for this long.

“Oh, it’s Hebrew,” Dina says, “my mom is from Israel.”

“That’s cool,” Ellie says, “I never knew that.” Dina shrugs, not looking at Ellie.

“Yeah, I guess I don’t talk much about my family.”

The hint is clear, although Ellie can’t see how Dina is going to keep up the secrecy with Ellie literally _living_ in her house, but who is she to judge how someone handles their family situation? God knows she isn’t the most forthcoming with that kind of information.

The Tipsy Bison looks like someone propped up four walls and slapped a sign over the doorway, without thinking about what a bar should look like on the outside. Even the grocer’s has an old west façade, but not the Bison. Dina pushes the door in and as soon as she steps inside, the room erupts into greetings.

“Okay, so everyone knows you,” Ellie mutters to Dina as she follows her to a table by the window.

“Small town,” Dina says. “Plus, well, I’m awesome.” Ellie snorts and sits across the old wooden table from her friend. The man at the bar calls across the room and asks Dina if she wants the usual. Dina smiles, confirms, orders for Ellie, and they get into a loud conversation about the man’s wife and kids. No one seems to mind the disruption to their afternoon. In fact, it only gets rowdier when Jesse walks in, and Ellie watches him go and greet nearly everyone in the bar.

“Are you guys the freakin’ mayors or something?” Ellie asks Jesse as he sits down beside Dina.

Jesse places a kiss on Dina’s cheek and Ellie hopes her wincing is internal along with the strong desire to find out what the hell is currently going on between those two. “Small town,” he reiterates. “So, what’s the plan? Show Ellie all the riveting and exciting sights of Jackson?”

“You mean it gets better than this?” Ellie says with a teasing grin. Dina lightly kicks her shin beneath the table.

“I figured we’d do some hiking, maybe hit up the bowling lanes,” Dina lists, “and get Ellie to take me out in her new wheels.”

“After the way you spoke to her, Bertha might purposefully lock you out,” Ellie warns. Dina rolls her eyes. Her retort is cut off by the arrival of the bartender/server. He’s got three plates stacked with fries and some of the biggest sandwiches Ellie’s ever seen. They’re set down on the table, and he returns again with three pints. Ellie’s reaching for her ID (which is fake), but Dina gives her a subtle shake of the head and she leaves her wallet in her pocket. The beer is golden, and the sandwich is exquisite. Whatever Dina had ordered for her, Ellie loves. It’s got a subtle spice and crisp lettuce.

The three friends sit and eat, exchanging stories about the past month spent apart. Ellie feels their presence take hold of her like a warm hug. She’d missed the soothing timbre of Jesse’s voice; the way Dina tilts her head when she’s about to say something sarcastic and how they both carry so much life within their souls, and Ellie hadn’t realised until now that it was something her soul craved. That indescribable and indefinable quality that friendship brings to a life.

* * *

It takes them four rounds to finally leave the bar. By then, all of them are slurring their words a little, and as the stumble down the street, Jesse challenges Ellie to a race. They run down the road, Dina yelling that they’re both idiots. Ellie wins by default; Jesse forgets where the finish line was. Her prize is a piggyback all the way back to Dina’s place.

Jesse leaves them on the front porch. They make plans to see each other the next day, and as soon as he’s around the corner, Dina grabs Ellie’s hand and leads her down the side of the house and past the backyard. Ellie tries to ask where they’re going, but Dina holds her hand tight and doesn’t answer until they’re past the edge of town.

“It’s nearly sunset,” she says. Ellie thinks she should remind Dina that without context, that sentence is pretty open-ended. Instead, she just watches the way Dina’s ponytail bounces with each step and admires how the evening sun hits it and highlights the streaks of lighter brown within it. Dina lets go of Ellie’s hand as the walk starts to incline, and soon enough Ellie finds herself scrambling up rocks and jumping over streams that cut through the forested hillside. They stop when they’ve reached an outcrop overlooking the very town they had left behind.

“Is this where you murder me?” Ellie teases, and Dina fakes laughter, sitting on the sun-warmed rock. Ellie joins her, her legs stretched out in front of her beside Dina’s. Her feet are a couple of inches past the other girl’s, and Ellie says as much (albeit in a very snarky way).

“Stop ruining a nice moment,” Dina says, with a critical raise of her eyebrow. “You’re about to see something awesome.”

“I swear to god, if you say ‘my face’, I’m going to walk back home.”

“I wouldn’t be wrong if I did.” Ellie can’t find a way to argue that, so she just leans back on her hands and tries to ignore how she can feel the warmth from Dina’s body just inches away.

The sunset starts the way every sunset does – mosquitoes. Ellie swats at them and kills nearly a dozen. The booze still running through her system makes her arms sluggish. It’s not until Dina puts her hand on Ellie’s arm and tells her to stop that she sees what Dina must have brought her up here to see.

The sky is a myriad of tones. Pink and orange, the final streaks of blue, and the hints of yellow. A cluster of fluffy clouds is turned to cotton candy. The collage of colour takes up the entire sky, and the sky is all Ellie can see.

“Holy shit,” she breathes. She chances a glance at Dina, and to her surprise they make eye contact. They’re only a shoulder-width apart, and Ellie thinks she sees Dina look at her lips. Ellie can’t help the way her gaze drops too, the way the sunset is lighting Dina’s eyes and skin and lips…it feels like the only thing that matters. And that’s all Ellie can think about as she leans in.

Until it isn’t. And she remembers that Dina is her _friend_. Her friend with a boyfriend, who also happens to be Ellie’s friend. In fact, they’re both her _best friends_.

Ellie turns her head and looks at the skyline before them. “It’s beautiful,” she says, her voice hoarse.

“Yeah,” Dina says, and Ellie doesn’t think she’s imagining how Dina’s voice matches hers. “This is where I came a lot when…when my dad died.”

That catches Ellie off guard. It’s the first time Dina’s _really_ spoken about her family to Ellie, and she doesn’t know what to say.

“Oh.”

 _Jesus Christ anything would have been better than that_.

“How did it happen?”

_I was wrong._

“Car accident,” Dina says. “Mountain roads aren’t very safe in winter.”

“That’s…I’m sorry,” Ellie says. Every word she says sounds clumsy and awkward, but Dina shuffles closer to her and rests her head on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Thanks.”

Ellie leans her head on Dina’s, and she wishes she could hold her hand. She wishes she could wrap her up in her arms and hold her there, leave comforting kisses on her cheeks and her neck and just…

_Friend._

So Ellie lets the silence do the wrapping instead, and they watch the sky evolve together.

They creep back into Dina’s house after dark, and Ellie takes an extra second at the small shrine at the top of the stairs. She doesn’t know what she’s meant to do, but it feels important that she stands there for just a few seconds longer. A five count, and then she’s walking down the hall to Dina’s room, the old wooden floor creaking under her socked feet. There’s light peeking out from under the door opposite Dina’s room, and she can hear soft music coming from behind it. Ellie doesn’t linger there any longer, because Dina is beckoning her inside.

“Shut the door,” Dina instructs, and Ellie obliges. Her heart pounds in her chest, but she doesn’t know why. The air is warm and thick with summer heat, and Dina’s room smells like clean laundry and perfume. Dina sits on the bed by the window and slides it open, a tabletop fan circulating the air. Ellie sits beside her and watches the other girl’s hands fiddle with a joint. She tries not to stare as Dina puts it between her lips and lights the end.

“Aren’t you worried about your mom catching you?” Ellie asks as she watches the smoke blow from Dina’s lips. Dina passes the joint over.

“She doesn’t care,” Dina says, and Ellie hesitates. She knows there’s something she’s missing, some important facts about Dina’s life that haven’t been shared. But it’s not her place to ask. So, she takes a long drag, holding the smoke in her lungs until they feel like bursting. She exhales slowly, bringing a smile to Dina’s face as she blows smoke rings. They pass the joint between themselves and Ellie tries to not read into how she sees Dina’s gaze linger on her.

Dina takes another hit. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did.”

“Fuck you.” Dina coughs a little as she holds the smoke and cusses at Ellie. Ellie laughs, and she feels a rush of heat to her body as their thighs press together. Her leg burns where the contact is, even with the layer of Ellie’s jeans between their skin.

“You gon’ ask that question?” Ellie asks, her voice husky from the smoking and from the thing she absolutely is not going to acknowledge.

“Your tattoo,” Dina starts as she passes the joint back to Ellie, “why did you get it?”

Ellie holds the joint in front of her. It wasn’t a question she was prepared for.

There are a few answers to Dina’s question. Ellie can say she got it for the aesthetic, which isn’t a lie, but it certainly isn’t anywhere near the whole truth. She can say she got it for a girl, which is maybe a bit closer to the truth. She can just bite the bullet and tell the whole truth, about what she’s suffered through and how she tried to fix it. But if she’s going to tell Dina that, she doesn’t want it to be because they were both too high to listen to their inhibitions.

“I got a chemical burn on that arm,” Ellie says, “and I got sick of looking at it all the time. So…I covered it up.” Dina hums and reaches out, taking Ellie’s arm and lightly trailing her fingers over it. Her touch is like that of a ghost, like the memory of a touch, and Ellie shudders underneath it. “I, uh...I’ve been thinking of getting something added to it. It’s missing something.” Dina’s fingers travel over the uneven skin, the scar tissue raised up from the soft skin.

“I know you’re not telling me the truth,” Dina mumbles, “or at least, you’re hiding some part of it.”

Ellie looks down at the smoldering joint that she holds between two fingers. “You have secrets too.” Dina rests her fingers on Ellie’s arm, stopping their tracing motions.

“Everyone has secrets, Ellie.” Dina takes the joint back.

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on with you and Jesse, or do I have to ask _him_ instead?” Ellie isn’t sure where the question comes from, but she feels a need to know. There’s something about Dina that hasn’t added up today.

“Nothing is going on,” Dina says. “We’re…we’re good.”

Ellie knows Dina is hiding something. “Okay.” Ellie takes the last hit off the joint and stamps it out on the windowsill. They get ready for bed in turns, Ellie changing into a t-shirt and pyjama shorts while Dina is in the bathroom brushing her teeth. She returns with two glasses of water, and Ellie takes a sip gratefully before heading into the bathroom herself. Her teeth are brushed, and she splashes water onto her face. The reflection in the mirror stares back at her with dilated eyes, bloodshot and slightly squinty. Ellie stares at herself until she thinks she sees the reflection move before she does. When she gets back to Dina’s room, it’s lit only by a small lamp on the bedside table. Ellie climbs into the bed, lying on the left side that’s away from the wall. Dina isn’t in the room, and Ellie stares out the window until she hears the door close.

Dina climbs over Ellie to the other side of the bed, and Ellie clicks the lamp off. The darkness is cut by the light of the moon outside that slips in through the window with the sounds of crickets outside. 

“Ellie?”

“Mhm?” Ellie turns on her side to face her friend. They’re nose to nose now, and Ellie can smell the mint on Dina’s breath as it gently hits her skin. Ellie’s heart starts its familiar race, the one it runs every time she gets within three inches of Dina.

“You know I love you, right?”

Ellie’s heart explodes into a sprint. “Yeah.” Her voice is impressively steady for a girl who currently feels like she can’t breathe. “Love you too.”

Dina’s strong exhale washes over Ellie’s face, which would probably be gross in any other context, but in this one it helps ground Ellie in the moment. Ellie feels Dina’s hand fumble under the sheet until fingers intertwine with her own.

“Okay,” Dina breathes. “We can go back to being sarcastic tomorrow, I promise.”

“Thank _god_ ,” and Ellie laughs as Dina kicks her on the shin.

Dina falls asleep first, and Ellie lets herself take in the sight of the beautiful girl bathed in moonlight, her lips slightly parted as she breathes softly in sleep. She holds onto the moment until she falls asleep herself, hoping she remembers this peace in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole visit will be continued in the next chapter, fear not. I wanted to upload this on its own, it feels like it needs a little space around it. All of your enthusiasm and kind words and kudos are just wonderful to receive and I'm so happy to know that you're all out there enjoying this with me. Thank you a million times over and I'll see you in the next one.


	4. June 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She starts sketching. The shape of Dina’s face, the gentle slope of her jaw. The curve of her nose, and the shape of her lips. She struggles with the eyes, trying to capture the sparkle and the kindness that she sees in Dina. The hair is fun, a wavy ponytail and curly piece of hair that hangs to frame the side of Dina’s face. Eyebrows, one slightly quirked up in that playful way Ellie loves. She adds a few freckles, and the slender shape of Dina’s neck.

**_June 2015_ **

Ellie wakes up with a start, drenched in sweat. Heart pounding in her chest, she takes in her surroundings.

The pale dawn light is creeping into Dina’s window, and casting the bedroom into a ghostly yellow hue. Ellie pushes her hair back from where it sticks to her forehead, and she looks over at her friend. Dina is still asleep, and Ellie slowly gets out of bed. She makes the short creaky walk down the hall to the bathroom.

Her eyes look wild in the reflection she sees above the sink. Cold water is splashed on her face, and Ellie grips the edge of the sink, letting the water drip off her face as she stares at the drain.

She hasn’t had a nightmare in while, at least not one that has left her feeling like this. She doesn’t even remember what it was about, but she knows it left her feeling like she has to fight for her life. The adrenaline is leaving her system slowly, and Ellie flexes her hands in an effort to get them to stop shaking. Her gray t-shirt is soaked through on her chest and back.

The throb under her tattoo is purely psychological, Ellie knows that she hasn’t felt any real pain there in years, but she still has to bite the inside of her lip to stop from crying out. Her left hand covers the scarring there and she squeezes hard, blunt fingernails biting into her skin and leaving small crescents.

“Fuck it,” Ellie mutters. She leaves the bathroom and sneaks back into Dina’s room. She changes as quietly as she can into some jogging shorts and the lightweight hoodie she had packed. Dina stirs slightly, and Ellie freezes. She watches as Dina’s hand reaches out to the empty (and now damp) spot where Ellie had been laying, and there’s a small frown that forms on Dina’s lips as she seems to realise even in sleep that Ellie isn’t there. She doesn’t wake, and Ellie leaves even quieter than she came.

Her runners are in the back of her car. The flight instinct in her almost wants to get in that car and drive off as far as she can, but Ellie steels herself and pulls her shoes on. Then she’s off, feet slapping the pavement as she runs. The sky is a blur of pastels, and Ellie lets her feet lead her through the streets. Soon enough she’s running out of town and following the road east into the sunrise.

She stops when she hits a gas station. By her best estimation, based on the movement of the sun and how her lungs are burning, she’s run nearly five miles. Cursing herself for not bringing any money, Ellie debates the likelihood that she could shoplift a bottle of water. Judging by the way the station attendant has got his eyes closed and his headphones on, she thinks the odds are definitely in her favour.

Joel’s voice pops into her head. “Don’t be an idiot, kid.”

Ellie curses the moral compass he had been working to instill in her for five years. She turns on her heel and looks back down the road. She can see the light from the town as it lights up part of the horizon. The road is winding and Ellie wishes she had just stuck to running circles around the streets in town.

Her jog back is less frenzied, the primal instinct to flee having passed. The adrenaline has mostly left her system, and it leaves her feeling emptied and tired. With the sun higher in the sky, Ellie has to roll up the sleeves of her sweater, and she looks at her tattoo as she jogs. It’s a beautiful butterfly placed across the scars on her arm, hiding the most visible trauma her body carries. Born out of necessity more than a strong desire to be tattooed, Ellie hadn’t put much thought into the design of it, but she had grown to love it and recognize the meaning that she hadn’t originally assigned to it.

Butterflies are reborn, and Ellie knows she is too. At least, some days she is.

It takes her longer than she’d like to admit to find Dina’s house again. When she does, the house is still quiet. The clock in the entryway says it’s just nearing seven. Ellie leaves her stinky runners on the front porch and creeps back up the stairs. She sends out a quick prayer to whoever is listening that she doesn’t disturb anyone as she turns on the shower and strips her sweat-covered clothes off.

The water is cold, and Ellie welcomes it. Her body still feels slightly wrong, like all her limbs are little too heavy, but her mind is calmer and clearer than it had been even half an hour ago. The shampoo she grabs is coconutty and smells like Dina. She lathers up her hair and lets the suds run down her body as she rinses.

With a towel wrapped around her body, Ellie goes back to Dina’s room for the second time that morning. Dina is, impressively, still asleep. Ellie dresses in a simple white t-shirt and blue jeans. There’s no way she’s getting any more sleep this morning, so she grabs her phone from the bedside table, sticks a cigarette behind her ear and heads back downstairs.

Ellie really wishes Dina had given her more of a tour when she arrived, or at least taken time to introduce Ellie to her family, because when she finally finds the kitchen, there’s a woman in a wheelchair sitting at the wooden table in the breakfast nook.

“Um, sorry,” Ellie says as the older woman regards her, “we didn’t get a chance to meet yesterday. I’m Ellie, Dina’s friend.” Judging by the gray streaks in the woman’s hair, Ellie guesses that this must be Dina’s mother.

“Good morning, Ellie,” Dina’s mother says with a smile. “Please, help yourself to coffee and anything you’d like from the fridge.” Her accent coats the words like honey, sweet and smooth.

Ellie smiles her thanks, and pours herself a cup of coffee. Milk and sugar are added, and she hesitantly joins the older woman at the table.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says, “Dina didn’t tell me your name.”

“Just like my Adinah,” the woman says with a sigh. “Tikvah.” She holds her hand out and Ellie shakes it. Ellie didn’t know Dina’s name wasn’t just _Dina._

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“And you,” Tikvah says. “You should eat something, Ellie.”

“I’m not much of a breakfast person,” Ellie says, doing her best to deny the woman politely. Tikvah makes a sort of harrumphing noise. Like her daughter, it seems like she doesn’t like to take “no” for an answer.

“You wake up early, you don’t eat breakfast,” Tikvah lists, “and you smoke.” Ellie silently curses herself for the blatant cigarette she has behind her ear. She hadn’t even considered that she might run into someone before she got around to smoking it. “Seems to me that you don’t take very good care of yourself.”

_So, Dina’s mom is kind of rude._

“I…um, I guess not.”

Tikvah clicks her tongue and pushes her chair back from the table, steering herself over to the counter. Ellie understands now why the surface had seemed lower than normal counter height, as she watches Tikvah pull out a couple slices of bread and pop them in the toaster.

“As long as you’re under my roof, you will not go hungry,” Tikvah says, turning to fix Ellie with a stare that she’s seen on Dina’s face a hundred times, the one that dares Ellie to try and challenge her.

“Okay,” Ellie says.

“Help yourself to the fridge,” Tikvah says. Then she leaves the kitchen, leaving Ellie sitting dumbfounded at the table.

“What…” Ellie says under her breath. She hears a door close somewhere down the hall, and drops her head onto her arms on the table. Her head stays down until the toast pops. Ellie digs butter and strawberry jam out of the fridge. Even though Dina’s mother isn’t watching her, Ellie doesn’t want to risk her finding out that the bread went wasted.

Ellie holds the toast between her teeth and she steps out the back door into the backyard. There’s a small back porch with a swinging bench on it, and Ellie sits down there. The fresh morning air fills her lungs as she forces the toast down, her stomach protesting at eating food this early in the day. She can hear birds in the trees, and the sounds of a town waking up. The occasional car, doors opening, dogs barking. It’s a quiet symphony of civilization.

Ellie finishes the toast and starts her smoke.

“You know those things give you cancer, right?”

Dina is leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. Ellie sheepishly blows smoke from her nostrils and tries for an apologetic smile.

“Everything gives people cancer,” she tries to argue. Dina walks over and sits beside her, grabbing the cigarette and stamping it out on the arm of the swing.

“So, I woke up and you weren’t there,” Dina says.

“I went for a run,” Ellie says.

Dina hums and Ellie tries not to look at the skin Dina has exposed from the tank top she slept in. Dina brings her legs up and puts them across Ellie’s lap.

“You don’t have to hide things from me,” Dina says, and her voice is soft. Ellie looks down at where her hands rest on Dina’s ankles. She thinks that if Dina knew everything about her, Dina wouldn’t even want to know her at all.

“Maybe I do, _Adinah_ ,” Ellie says, and Dina groans.

“You met my mom.”

“She made me eat breakfast.”

That makes Dina laugh. “Good. You’re skin and bones.”

“She also scolded me for smoking,” Ellie says.

“I’m glad we’re at least in agreement about that,” Dina says with a sigh.

Ellie rubs her thumbs over the bump of Dina’s ankles, and she forces herself to ignore the small noise of pleasure that Dina makes at the movement.

“What’s on the agenda today?” Ellie changes the subject, knowing she’s been walking on a dangerous line with their conversation.

“I thought we could go for a hike?” Dina says it like a question, as if Ellie would ever say no to anything Dina suggests. Ellie smiles and squeezes Dina’s ankles.

“Aye aye, cap’n.”

* * *

They don’t end up going hiking. There’s been some sort of staffing emergency at the community centre day camp, and from what Ellie gathers, Dina is the only person who can step in and save the day.

“I’m sorry, Ellie,” Dina says for the tenth time as they walk up the steps to the community centre. “If you want, you can call Jesse and go hang out with him, I know he had some rock-climbing thing he wanted to share with you while you’re here.”

“Dina,” Ellie says, stopping the other girl before she opens the doors. Ellie puts her hands on Dina’s shoulders and makes eye-contact with her. “It’s fine. I’ve never been to day camp; it should be fun.” She gives Dina a smile, and it only widens when Dina returns it.

“Okay,” Dina says, and Ellie’s eyes are drawn to how Dina’s cheeks redden a little, and the way her tongue pokes between her teeth for just a second. “Brace yourself. You haven’t known hell until four eight-year-olds are hanging off your arms begging for you to carry them around the room.” Ellie laughs and flexes her arms.

“Not a problem,” she says, grinning ear to ear as Dina laughs. “As you can see, I’m extremely strong.”

Dina grabs Ellie’s biceps and squeezes. “Oops, I think I popped it,” Dina teases. Ellie loses track of what she was going to say, her attention completely drawn to how soft and warm Dina’s hands are on her arms. Dina’s hands slide down the length of Ellie’s arms, lowering them back to her sides. Their fingertips brush as Dina takes her hands back.

“You’re a dick,” Ellie manages to get out. _Smooth_.

“Language, Eleanor,” Dina says, waving her finger in front of Ellie’s nose.

“That’s not even my name!” Ellie protests. Dina pulls the doors open and they step inside.

It’s a big hall, with a raised stage at the end. There are about thirty kids from ages seven to eleven all running around and yelling. Ellie watches as Dina talks to the only other person in the room who isn’t in elementary school. She’s a girl who looks about sixteen, and Ellie feels her heart give out in sympathy for the teenager who was left all alone in charge of these rambunctious kids.

“Ellie,” Dina calls her over. “This is Naomi.” Ellie raises her hand in greeting. Naomi smiles.

“Thanks again for coming, Dina,” Naomi says. “Stupid Chris didn’t show up, he says he’s sick but _I_ heard that he spent the whole night out at the point with Samantha Clark.”

Ellie has to stifle the laugh that threatens to surface. She masks it with a cough, but judging by the look Dina shoots her, her friend knows exactly what that cough was.

“Don’t worry about it, Naomi,” Dina says, a kind smile on her face. “I’m well-versed in the wrangling of these little shits. Did you have a day plan?”

“Chris is the senior counselor,” Naomi bemoans, “he has all that stuff at his place.”

Dina pats the girl on the shoulder. “Not a problem. C’mon, let’s see what we can do.”

Ellie watches as Dina calls all the kids over, her voice loud and commanding. By some dark magic, Dina actually gets all the kids sitting in a group in front of her. Ellie leans up against a table, watching as Dina and Naomi get the kids to split into two groups. Dina waves her over, and Ellie hesitates. She’s not great with kids – or, she might be, but she’s never had to find out. Dina gives her a quick glare, and then Ellie is over and standing by her side.

“Guys, this is Ellie,” Dina introduces her. “She’s really strong, and she loves throwing stuff at people.” Ellie looks at Dina, confused as to why those are the traits that she’s being assigned in this moment.

“Awesome!” Some dorky kid with two missing front teeth says, punching his fist up the air.

“Ellie, help me get the balls out of the storage closet.” Ellie follows Dina over to a small closet. Dina sends her in and directs her to grab a rubber bin from a high shelf. Ellie passes it out, and Dina carries it out to the middle of the room. Ellie definitely spends a little too long staring at how Dina’s arms flex with the weight of the bin. She catches herself as her gaze starts to drop, and she walks quickly back to the group of kids she guesses is her team. Dina lines the balls up across the middle of the room, along a line of tape that looks like it was put down in 1992.

“Okay guys!” Naomi yells out. “Remember the rules – no face shots, and no lying if you get hit by a ball. A catch brings your teammates back, and yes you _can_ use a ball to deflect another throw away from you.”

Dina comes and stands beside Ellie. “I take it you know how to play dodgeball?”

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball,” Ellie replies. The two girls grin at each other, and then chaos erupts in the room.

A word to the wary – tiny kids are both hard to hit, and have some wicked throws. Ellie dips and ducks as best she can, but she’s pretty sure the kids on Naomi’s team are ganging up on her and Dina, since they’re the biggest targets. At one point Dina smacks a ball down that’s about to shmuck Ellie in the face.

“Katie! Illegal face shot!” Dina shouts across the room, and a little girl with pigtails stomps her foot in frustration, going to sit on the sidelines.

“My hero,” Ellie says, fluttering her eyelashes comically. Dina snorts and they both jump aside as another ball comes soaring at them.

“These kids are assholes,” Dina mutters to Ellie.

“Agreed.”

“Wanna fuck ‘em up?”

Ellie grins. “Yeah, I do.”

They don’t succeed. Ellie gets hit in the arm pretty quickly after that, and Dina valiantly goes out trying to save some of the kids on her team. To be fair, she does sacrifice herself so that three others may play on, but Ellie still teases her relentlessly.

They play dodgeball for almost a whole hour. Ellie figures it’s Dina’s sneaky way of trying to tire the kids out early in the day, and her suspicion is confirmed when they immediately start up a game of freeze tag once a dodgeball winner is declared. The entire morning is spent playing games that involve running around like a maniac. By the end of it, Ellie is exhausted, and she can only hope the kids are, too.

At lunchtime, the kids sit at folding tables and eat their packed lunches. Dina and Naomi roll out an old tv and put on a VHS tape of _Spongebob Squarepants_ episodes. Ellie sneaks outside for a smoke, and the peace and quiet of the hot day compared to the screams of the children inside is like _heaven_. Her head feels heavy with noise, and the nicotine seeps into her system, calming her down and soothing her nervous system.

Dina pops her head of the door and tells Ellie to get back inside. Ellie finishes up her smoke, ducking back inside. It’s suspiciously quiet, except for the sounds of the television. The kids are all sat in front of the screen, staring up at it.

“Oldest trick in the book,” Dina whispers to Ellie. “Come on, I need your help setting up some tables.”

Ellie helps Dina set up the tables into a long row, tucking chairs in along both sides. Naomi gets Ellie to help her carry out boxes of craft supplies, distributing the different materials along the tables at even intervals. Ellie may or may not carry a few extra boxes at a time when she notices Dina staring at her, even if Ellie is pretty sure Dina’s just spacing out.

The episode on the tv comes to a loud end, the tape running out. The kids all groan, and Dina turns the lights up to full again.

“Craft time,” Dina says, and the kids scramble to their feet, trying to grab seats with their friends. One little boy grabs Ellie’s hand and pulls her to sit next to him. He hands her a piece of paper and a crayon, demanding she draw him a pirate ship.

“Uh,” Ellie says, “okay.”

“With a mast,” the boy says, “and a crow’s nest.”

“You know a lot about pirate ships,” Ellie comments as she starts sketching out the hull.

“Pirates of the Caribbean is my favourite movie,” the kids says, and he starts rambling on about the characters. Ellie does her best to seem interested as she draws, but she can feel Dina’s eyes on her, and when she catches her gaze, Dina is looking at her with something Ellie can’t identify in her eyes.

_Pirates_ , Ellie mouths at her.

_You’re cute,_ Dina mouths back. Or, that’s what it looks like she says. She probably was trying to say “boo hoo” or “you’re poo”, something like that. There’s no way she’s telling Ellie she’s cute.

Well. Maybe no way.

Ellie finishes up the pirate ship, and the boy shows it off to his friends. All of a sudden, Ellie is inundated with requests. She churns out a unicorn, a spaceship, four dinosaurs, and an ATM machine (kids have the weirdest fucking fixations).

“Hey, Ellie,” Dina calls from her spot a few chairs away, “draw me.”

All the kids clap and agree, egging Ellie on.

Ellie agrees, and she grabs a few different crayons. “Come sit across from me, then.” Dina obliges, and Ellie tells her to hold still. Crayon on yellow construction paper isn’t Ellie’s ideal material choice, but she starts sketching. The shape of Dina’s face, the gentle slope of her jaw. The curve of her nose, and the shape of her lips. She struggles with the eyes, trying to capture the sparkle and the kindness that she sees in Dina. The hair is fun, a wavy ponytail and curly piece of hair that hangs to frame the side of Dina’s face. Eyebrows, one slightly quirked up in that playful way Ellie loves. She adds a few freckles, and the slender shape of Dina’s neck. There’s a bit of shading she throws in, and then she’s done.

Not bad for a picture drawn with a dozen kids leaning over her shoulder and trying to tell her how to draw. Ellie worries it might be a little _too_ good, that Dina might be a bit freaked out by how much detail Ellie can put into her face. But Dina just smiles and calls it a masterpiece, folding it up carefully and tucking it into her bag by the door.

The rest of the afternoon is spent playing some circle games, and by the time the kids are being picked up by their parents, Ellie is absolutely exhausted. She had an early start, and all the physical activity and corralling of children has left her drained. They walk back to Dina’s house once all the kids are gone, and the hall is tidied up.

Ellie collapses onto Dina’s bed and shuts her eyes. She feels Dina lie down beside her.

“Thank you for putting up with all that,” Dina says, and Ellie cracks an eye open. Dina is lying on her side, facing Ellie.

“It was…actually kind of fun,” Ellie admits. “I mean, I’m absolutely fucking wiped, but it was fun.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” Ellie turns her head to look at Dina. “You’re really good with kids.”

“I was a counselor for a few years,” Dina says, “if I wasn’t good with kids, I’d be worried.” Ellie rolls her eyes. Dina grins and scoots forward. They’re so close that Ellie can almost feel their noses touching. Suddenly, she feels wide awake.

Her mouth feels dry. “Um, did you have anything planned for tonight?” Her voice sounds shaky, and Ellie can feel her heart running sprints in her chest.

“There’s a party,” Dina says, her voice soft and Ellie thinks it sounds just as shaky as her own. “If you’re too tired, though, we can just…stay in.”

_Staying in_ has never sounded more dangerous. Ellie feels Dina’s knee rest against her leg. “A party sounds fun.” Ellie forces herself to look up at the ceiling. Dina’s breath hits the side of her face, and she feels the other girl turn onto her back.

“Nap first?” Dina suggests.

“Definitely.”

They both shuffle around until they’ve got their heads on the pillows, and Ellie turns to face away from Dina. It takes her too long to fall asleep, her mind running around in circles as she tries to calm her racing heart.

* * *

The party is in a wooded clearing. Dina and Jesse had led Ellie through the forest until they could hear the sounds of music and people talking loudly. There’s a big bonfire blazing in the middle of the clearing, and Ellie is taken aback by the sheer number of people. Jackson is a pretty small town, so there must have been some people from nearby towns as well, because it’s definitely more than just the young adult population of Jackson.

Everyone seems to know Dina and Jesse. Maybe it’s just that everyone knows everyone in a town this size, in a county this small, but Ellie is impressed at the number of people who come up to them and exchange hugs and quick catch-ups. Ellie hangs back, drinking a beer than Jesse had handed her from a nearby cooler. She’s introduced to a bunch of people, but she’s never been good with crowds. Dina gets dragged off by a couple of girls to where a group of people are dancing near a big stereo system. Jesse and Ellie head over to the edge of the clearing, and Ellie is grateful for Jesse’s perceptiveness.

“It can be overwhelming,” he says, as if he’s the one who needs the break from the crowd. They stand in silence for a bit and sip from their drinks.

Ellie breaks the silence. “So, what’s going on with you and Dina?”

“What do you mean?”

Ellie scoffs. “Come on, man. Before we left school, you guys were taking time apart, and now you’re back together? Or something?”

“I mean, we’re not _not_ together,” Jesse says. “We aren’t really together, though. It’s complicated.”

“How complicated can it be?” Ellie picks at the label on her bottle. “Either you’re together…or you’re not.”

Jesse takes a long drink. “I guess we’re not, then.” Ellie looks at him and he stares straight ahead. “Look, it’s…she didn’t want to make things weird between the three of us while you were visiting, okay? So she asked if we could just pretend things were normal.”

“Why would things be weird?”

“She didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose between us.”

Ellie laughs at that. “I’m not the child of your divorce, Jesse. I think I can handle being friends with both of you.”

“I’m sure you can,” Jesse says, holding up his hands in defense. “Dina just seemed to think it was the best thing. But, well, now you know.”

Ellie looks at him and watches as he stares at his shoes, kicking at the grass. “Oh.”

“What?”

“You thought I’d pick her,” Ellie says, “in the divorce.” She shakes her head and punches him in the arm. “Fuck you, man.”

“Ow!” He rubs at his bicep and looks at Ellie. “Okay, maybe I was a little worried about it. It’s just, y’know, girls stick together.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.” Jesse looks over at the dancing crowd, and Ellie follows his gaze. They both watch as Dina dances with a group of her friends, laughing and taking swigs from a bottle of something clear.

“You okay?” Ellie asks, her eyes still trained on Dina’s figure.

Jesse sighs. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Good.” Ellie finishes her drink and tosses it into a nearby recycling collection bin. “Come on. She doesn’t get to have all the fun.”

They find a group of people playing a game of beer pong. Ellie pulls Jesse into the crowd and they take on the winners. It’s probably a bit of an unfair game, their opponents have clearly been playing for a while and their throws are getting wild. Jesse and Ellie take the game easily, and the next one. By the fourth game, Ellie is feeling unsteady from the alcohol. The two of them relinquish their titles to a pair of beefy dudes with crew cuts, and Jesse has to drag Ellie off as she tries to challenge them to a real fight, the two of them laughing their heads off. Jesse stumbles off to go pee in the woods, and Ellie grabs another drink. Suddenly, Dina is beside her and dragging her into the mess of dancing bodies. Ellie lets her free arm be wrapped around Dina’s waits, and she feels like combusting as Dina dances against her. It’s nothing sensual, it’s nothing that they haven’t done before, and they’re both laughing as Ellie tries to show off her very few and very poor dance moves. They twist down to the ground and Dina has to help Ellie get back up.

“You’re drunk,” Dina says into Ellie’s ear.

“Could be,” Ellie says with a cheeky grin and a shrug of her shoulders. Dina takes the beer from her hand and takes a long sip, dancing away with it, crooking a finger at Ellie to get her to follow. Ellie complies without any resistance.

Dina finishes the beer, draping her arms over Ellie’s shoulders. Ellie loosely rests her hands on Dina’s hips, and they sway to the beat. Ellie can smell the sweat and the perfume from Dina’s body, can feel Dina’s warm breath hitting the bend where neck and shoulder meet, can hear Dina singing along with the song. It strikes Ellie that the song isn’t slow, but she lets Dina lead her in the swaying rhythm. It might be the booze, or the aphrodisiac of dancing, or maybe the fact that Ellie knows now that there’s no Jesse factor to hide her feelings behind, but all she can think about is kissing Dina.

She wonders if Dina’s lips are as soft as they look. Would Dina take charge, would she follow Ellie’s lead, or would they fight to be the one in charge of the kiss? How would Dina react if Ellie wove her fingers into the hair at the back of Dina’s head?

Dina leans back a little bit and looks up at Ellie. “You look like you’re thinking too hard.”

Ellie goes to speak, but her mouth and lips are too dry. She darts her tongue out to wet her lips, wishing she had some water to help the sudden case of nervous dry-mouth she’s fallen victim to.

Her eyes dart down to Dina’s lips, and they look inviting. Dina seems to be waiting for her to do or say something, and Ellie doesn’t know what she wants to do, or if there’s something she should say.

“Dina,” she says, and Dina furrows her brow in a question. Ellie takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she opens them again, Dina is closer. The tips of their noses brush, and Ellie is shocked that she doesn’t immediately burst into flame with how warm her face feels. Dina’s hand is resting on the back of Ellie’s neck, and Ellie feels it press gently, urging Ellie forward. Ellie can hear her heart in her ears, can feel it pounding in her throat, in her chest, in her stomach. Their noses bump together, and Ellie inhales sharply. Every nerve in her body is on fire, and she’s either going to throw up or cry, judging on the flood of feelings that’s rushing through her system.

Dina’s breath smells like alcohol, sweet. It’s warm where it washes over Ellie’s lips.

Ellie’s hands tighten their grip on Dina’s hips in a desperate attempt to stop them from shaking so much.

The moment hangs between them for an eternity, neither girl making a further move. Ellie hears Dina take a shaky breath.

Dumbly, Ellie wishes she could brush her teeth quickly. Her breath must smell like beer.

“Ellie,” Dina breathes. It sends a shiver down Ellie’s spine, and Ellie leans forward slightly. Their brows touch, and it’s agonizing how Ellie can almost feel Dina’s lips on hers, but she’s too scared to take that final step, too nervous that it might just be the booze, or the rebound, or any multitude of things that are making Dina think that this is what she wants.

Dina’s fingers scratch lightly at the nape of Ellie’s neck. Ellie slides her hands around Dina, pulling her body closer. They’ve stopped pretending to sway to the music.

Ellie feels Dina’s lips brush against hers, and it almost makes her knees buckle. It’s hardly even a brush, almost more of the suggestion of contact.

_How long have we been standing here?_

Ellie shuts her eyes and focuses on the feeling of Dina’s hand on her skin, of her breathing, of their bodies pressed together.

And then there’s a bang.

And Ellie isn’t in the clearing anymore.

Her heart is racing for a whole new reason. She whips her head around, taking in the dark alleyway that’s she’s standing in.

Ellie hears another bang, and she’s running down the alley. Her feet echo like gunshots, or maybe someone is shooting at her, she doesn’t know. She only stops running when she trips over something and falls to the ground. Her wrists ache as she breaks her fall poorly, and her palms are scraped open. She kneels and looks at what she tripped over.

She screams.

“Ellie!” A voice breaks through as Ellie stares into the lifeless eyes that stare up at her, eyes she knows and eyes she remembers, eyes she sees in her dreams and in her best and worst memories.

The voice comes back. “Ellie, Ellie, listen to me.” It’s a familiar voice, a voice she can focus on.

And then the alley is gone, and she’s sitting at the base of a tree.

Her breaths are gasping and shallow. Dina’s face is front of her, eyebrows knitted together in worry, and she’s tentatively reaching out to Ellie, hesitating to rest her hand on Ellie’s knee.

Ellie can’t get any words out, but she grabs desperately for Dina’s hands, anchoring herself before she finds herself back in that alley. The banging noises are far away now, and Ellie wonders how far she ran, how long she wasn’t here.

“Ellie, it’s okay,” Dina says, “look at me.”

Someone is screaming.

No, Ellie is screaming.

“Breathe, Ellie,” Dina says, reaching a hand up to Ellie’s face and holding it so Ellie has to look at Dina, and Ellie stares into Dina’s eyes, drawing comfort from them. The screaming stops, or it turns into stuttered speech, but Dina just keeps telling her to breathe. Ellie tries, and the breaths she takes are rattling and uneven.

“I don’t,” Ellie gasps, “I can’t,” and Dina nods.

“I know, I know,” she says, “breathe for me, okay?” Dina holds Ellie’s hand to her chest, and Ellie tries to follow the movement of Dina’s chest rising and falling.

She’s not sure how long they’re like that, Dina crouched in front of Ellie, Ellie trying to regulate her breathing. Dina speaks softly as they breathe, reassuring Ellie that she’s safe, that she’s okay.

Eventually, Ellie feels her heart slow, feels her lungs fill with air enough to allow her brain a moment to process. Dina moves to sit beside her, Ellie’s hand still held in hers. Dina’s free hand gently rubs her back as Ellie leans forward onto her knees, head hanging between them.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says, and she stares at the dark earth under her feet, “I don’t know what…I’m sorry.”“It’s okay,” Dina says, squeezing Ellie’s shoulder. “Let me know when you’re ready to move.”

They sit under the tree like that until Ellie’s breathing is regular, and her heart is only jogging instead of sprinting.

“Okay,” Ellie says, lifting her head and leaning it back against the trunk.

Dina looks at her, and Ellie knows she’s being analysed, but she’s too damn tired to care.

“Jesse went and got his truck,” Dina says, “he’s going to meet us down by the lake. You can run pretty far for a smoker.” She offers Ellie a light smile, and Ellie tries to return it, but she can’t make her lips turn upwards. Dina stands up and helps Ellie to her feet. Ellie won’t let go of Dina’s hand, and Dina puts her other hand at the small of Ellie’s back. They walk slowly through the woods, and Ellie is thankful that Dina and Jesse aren’t making her walk back through the party.

“What…what happened?” Ellie asks as they sit by the lake, waiting for Jesse to pull up.

Dina’s still rubbing Ellie’s back, and Ellie uses their contact to keep herself grounded in the present. Dina’s touch feels like the only real thing around her at the moment.

“Someone set off some fireworks,” Dina says, “and you just took off. I thought…” Dina trails off, and Ellie can read between the lines.

_She thought it was her fault_.

“Oh,” Ellie says. It’s all she can say.

“I chased after you when I heard screaming,” Dina continues. “You’re pretty fuckin’ fast.” Ellie tries to laugh at that, but it just sounds like a whimper. Dina shuffles a little closer, so that their legs are pressed together. “I only caught up because you tripped over a root. You had crawled to sit by that tree, and you were…you were screaming like you were going to die.”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “it can feel like that.”

“Has this…has it happened before?” Dina asks, and Ellie nods. “I’m sorry, Ellie, if I’d known…I dunno, I would’ve told them to forego to fireworks or something.”

“There’s no way you could’ve known,” Ellie says, “I never told you. I don’t like to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Dina says. “That’s okay.”

“I want to,” Ellie says, “I want to talk to you.” She looks at where their fingers are intertwined and she brings their hands up to her lips, pressing them gently against the back of Dina’s hand. She nervously brings her eyes to Dina’s, and Dina nods.

“We don’t have to talk now,” Dina says. Ellie presses her lips together and nods.

“Thank you.”

Jesse’s truck pulls up, and he jumps out, opening the passenger side door. He helps Ellie into the cab and Ellie is thankful for the silence on the drive home, her head resting on Dina’s shoulder.

* * *

Ellie drives home the next morning. She apologises, feeling like that kid at the sleepover who goes home at ten pm. But Dina just ignores the apologies, packing food for Ellie to take on the drive and telling her that she has no reason to be sorry. Ellie can tell that Dina is worried about Ellie driving, and so she does her best to hide any remaining stress. Dina holds her in a long hug on the front porch, and Ellie breathes her in. She does her best to memorize how Dina’s body fits against her own, the smell of her skin, and the way she leaves a lingering kiss on Ellie’s cheek.

Ellie starts up her car with a promise to let Dina know when she’s made it home safely. She pulls out of the driveway and hits the road out of Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get a bit more intense, my dudes. I hope you enjoyed it! I was worried about writing this, I'm not overly familiar with this kind of PTSD, so I hope I did an okay job. I also hope you liked some little fluffy moments. Again, your comments and kudos and support is just amazing and I'm blown away by all of it. Thank you, and I'll be back soon with another chapter :)


	5. August - September 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina walks over and leans over Ellie’s shoulder, the smell of her shampoo hitting Ellie like a ten-ton-truck. It’s been months since they’ve seen each other in person, and Ellie hates to rely on clichés, but absence really did make her dumbass heart grow fonder.

**_August 2015_ **

Ellie wishes she hadn’t agreed to go on this stupid fishing trip with Joel and Tommy. She should’ve been smart like Maria and stayed the fuck home.

Unfortunately, Ellie’s kind of a dumbass. So, she’s stuck in the backseat of Joel’s truck, shoved between canvas bags and bait boxes. Joel and Tommy are blasting some old music on the radio, and if Ellie wasn’t playing the role of salty teenager, she’d probably enjoy it. But her phone lost service ten minutes ago, and she’s been waiting on a text from Dina all day. Not to mention, she’s sweating her ass off in the sticky summer heat and the poorly air-conditioned truck cab.

They’re heading to Joel’s small cabin that he keeps on the shores of the river. It’s small, lacks running water and electricity, and is usually full of mosquitoes.

The road is bumpy and winding, and Ellie is thankful that she’s not the carsick type.

“Your suspension is shit,” Tommy says to Joel as they hit a particularly large dip in the road.

“If you’re gonna talk shit about my truck, feel free to walk the rest of the way,” Joel quips back. Tommy laughs, and Ellie leans forward between the two front seats.

“How much further do we have to go?” She tries to keep the snark out of her voice as best she can, but she’s sure that Joel can tell she’s got an attitude brewing.

“We’ll get there when we get there,” Joel answers. Elle huffs and sits back. The two brothers start talking about cars and motors, and Ellie tunes them out.

Her thoughts drift too easily to Dina. They’ve been in pretty constant contact the past two months, and Ellie can’t tell for the life of her what Dina’s intentions are. They’re friends, maybe even best friends, but then there was that almost-kiss, and the way Dina is always complimenting her or teasing her…

It’s enough to make a girl’s head explode.

Social media doesn’t help. It’s hard to watch Dina having fun all summer with so many people. It’s also making Ellie realise that Dina is just affectionate with all her friends. She’d never noticed it before, but Dina is just a touchy-feely person. Ellie had been under the impression that that was something that Dina saved for her, but clearly that was a pretty big assumption to make. And it was wrong. Every picture has Dina with her arm around a different friend, on someone’s back, holding hands with someone as they jump into a lake.

So who fucking knows.

Elle stares out the window as they wind and rise through foothills, trees thick on either side of the road. If this was some sad indie movie, she’d rest her head on the window and it would probably start raining, as she thinks and pines away for her best friend. Only problem is that if she put her head on the window, it would probably just bang around and give her a concussion from the sheer number of potholes on this backcountry road. And it’s a clear sky.

They arrive at the cabin about an hour later. It stands as ramshackle as ever, leaning slightly to the left. Ellie passes their bags out from the back of the cab and hops down, her sneakers kicking up dust as she lands.

It only takes three seconds before she’s swatting a mosquito.

“Fuck you,” she mutters, flicking its squished body off her arm. “Jesus Christ, this place gets closer to collapse every summer.”

“Shut up and carry that stuff in,” Joel says as he carries their cooler full of food into the cabin. Ellie huffs and picks up the bags at her feet, dragging them into the cabin.

It smells like old wood and musty sheets. Joel and Tommy open the windows and start wiping down the counters and table. Joel tosses Ellie a broom, and she starts sweeping out the dust and dirt.

Once the cabin is tidied and their things are stashed away, Joel gets out his fishing gear and he and Tommy go down to the dock. Ellie declines their invitation to join. Instead, she lingers in the cabin.

It’s one of the only places that holds anything that alludes to Joel’s past. Ellie knows the basics; Joel joined the marines, got married, had a daughter. His wife passed and he left the military, staying home to care for his daughter, Sarah. She had died a few years before Ellie met Joel, and she knows her death is something Joel carries around with him every day.

It’s not something they talk about.

To Ellie, Sarah is just the smiling girl in the photos Joel keeps in his room.

There’s a small case of military medals and ribbons, and Ellie looks at them. There are so many of them, all placed with care that seems in direct conflict with the amount of dust on the case. She remembers the first time she came here and saw them, asking Joel question after question while he held his tongue. He hadn’t snapped at her, but the way he looked when he told her to stop asking about things that didn’t concern her…it was worse than being yelled at. Ellie was used to being yelled at by adults, that didn’t scare her. She wasn’t used to seeing a grownup look so…sad.

Since then, Joel has offered up bits and pieces of information about his time in the marines, but Ellie had made it a point to silently accept those pieces without asking for more.

They both do that for each other. Nights where one wakes up in screams, the other will silently come and bring a glass of water. Joel doesn’t ask what Ellie sees in her dreams, and she doesn’t ask him. It’s their system, and it’s worked. But as Ellie stares at the medals, the physical manifestations of Joel’s past and his traumas, she thinks that maybe their system needs a bit of revision.

“Hey,” Tommy pops his head into the cabin. Ellie’s heart jumps in her chest, and she clutches at it.

“Jesus, Tommy!” She says, whirling around and glaring at him.

He grins at her. “We need someone with small, dainty hands to dig up some worms.”

“Fuck,” Ellie groans. She holds up her hands, which fall more on the long and knobby side of things. “That’s a terrible fuckin’ reason.”

“Well, compared to my mitts, you’ve got the most delicate hands.” Tommy holds up his own hands.

“Fine,” Ellie says, “but I’m taking one of your beers for it.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” Tommy says, leading her out of the cabin. “C’mon, let me show you the best spot.”

“I’ve had to do this shit job every year, I know where to find worms,” Ellie complains.

Tommy ignores her and she trudges along behind him. They stop at a part of the shore under a tall oak tree. There are leaves on the ground, damp with the waves of the lake water.

“There you go,” Tommy says, “dig in.”

“Terrible,” Ellie says. Tommy turns to leave, but she calls out to him. “Hey, Tommy?”

“Mhm?” Tommy leans against the trunk of a nearby tree.

Ellie looks down at her feet. “You were in the military too, right?”

“Sure,” Tommy says, “why’re you asking?”

Ellie likes that about Tommy. He never just turns down a conversation without letting you get your piece in.

“When you came back,” Ellie starts, “did you have trouble readjusting?”

Tommy hesitates. He tucks a stray piece of hair behind his ear. “Well, sure.”

“Like, nightmares and stuff?” Ellie tries to avoid Tommy’s searching eyes.

“I had my share of dreams,” Tommy says, “I still do.” He walks over to Ellie and stands in front of her. “Is there something you want to talk about, Ellie?”

Ellie looks at him, the earnest concern on his face making him look like his brother. She knits her fingers together in front of her and looks down at them. “No.”

“Okay,” Tommy says, and it’s clear he doesn’t believe her. “Well, get to work then.” He awkwardly pats her on the shoulder and walks off, back to the dock where Ellie can make out Joel’s figure staring out across the water.

* * *

They have a campfire on their last night. Joel has his guitar out, plucking music from the strings. Ellie leans back in the camping chair she sits in, nursing a glass of whiskey. Tommy is singing along in his out-of-tune voice, his words slurring together a little. Ellie likes the way the fire is warming her shins, and how the whiskey warms her insides. Eventually, Tommy staggers into the cabin, leaving Joel and Ellie to sit in silence.

Joel puts the guitar down beside him, pouring himself some whiskey. “You have a good week?”

“Actually, yeah,” Ellie admits.

“You’re gettin’ pretty good at fishing,” Joel says.

“Thanks.”

They both take sips of their drinks. They hear Tommy bump into something in the cabin. He calls out that he’s fine, and Ellie rolls her eyes.

“He’s a damn fool,” Joel sighs.

“He’s _your_ brother,” Ellie says like she’s blaming him.

“Try not to hold that against me.” Joel smirks into his cup.

They watch the flames flicker before them, the sparks soaring up into the sky as a log cracks open.

“You lookin’ forward to gettin’ back to school?”

Ellie shrugs. “I guess so. I’m not sure what courses I want to take. I uh…I’ve been thinking about switching into science.” She hasn’t confessed that to anyone yet, it’s just a tiny fetus of an idea.

“Yeah?” Joel looks at her for a second and then smiles. “I think that sounds like a good plan.”

“I mean, it’s not really a plan,” Ellie says, “and there’s so much that I’d have to do. I might need to take an extra year, and college is so expensive. Plus, I don’t know if I’m smart enough.”

“Hey,” Joel cuts in, “don’t say shit like that. You’re smart as all hell. And don’t,” he waves his hand, “don’t worry about money. Your dreams are never going to be too expensive to me.”

“I don’t want you feeling like you have to pay,” Ellie says. She knows that Joel is, for all accounts and purposes, her father. But it makes her feel uncomfortable when he offers that help up so easily; help has never been something Ellie has easily accepted.

“Ellie,” Joel says, his voice soft as ever, “I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. That’s something we have in common.”

“Okay,” Ellie says, staring at her fingers wrapped around her glass. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” Joel looks at her, and it’s the same searching look that Tommy gave her on the first day here. He knows there’s something on her mind, and Ellie can see him trying to decide if he wants to ask her about it.

 _Fuck it_.

“Joel?” Ellie doesn’t look up from her fingers as they tap the outside of her glass. “Do you…do you still have nightmares?”

Joel leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Sometimes, sure.” Ellie looks up and meets his eyes. “Have you been having them again?”

Ellie nods. “Not all the time,” she says, “but more frequently than I have in the past two years, even.”

Joel scratches his beard, his other hand swirling his drink. “Anything else happen?”

“I uh,” Ellie clears her throat, “I flipped out when there were some fireworks. When I was visiting Dina and Jesse. I was…I was back in Boston. It felt so real.”

“It always does,” Joel says. “I know you don’t like the idea, but maybe you need to try seeing a psychiatrist again.”

“A shrink?” Ellie groans and takes a sip. “You know I hated it when I went.”

“I know,” Joel says, “I hated it too when I first started going. But it did help me. It helped me a lot.” He stares into the flames, and Ellie wonders what he sees in them. “These triggers you have, they’re not gonna go away all on their own. They’ll probably never go away, not really. But maybe this can help you get them under control.”

“So, what, I just go sit and talk about my feelings with a stranger for an hour a week, and suddenly I’m better?” Ellie snorts. “Sounds like bullshit.”

“Some of it is,” Joel says, “but what’s more bullshit? Living your life under that big cloud of fear you carry with you, or trying to do something about it?”

* * *

**_September 2015_ **

Ellie looks around her new apartment. Well, her one room in a big house in town by campus. Either way, it’s not a dorm room, and it’s not Joel’s house. It’s a place that’s actually _hers_.

And the four other people in the house, who she met briefly and quickly decided that the probability of them becoming friends was…low.

Jesse had helped her move in yesterday in exchange for a six-pack of beer and a cheap pizza. He was being an RA this year for the free accommodation, and he regaled Ellie with the tales of the first years on their frosh week. Fights, tears, vomit, Jesse had seen it all. They’d made plans to go climbing later in the week, Jesse teasing Ellie about how she’s probably gotten out of shape over the summer. That had devolved into a childish arm-wrestling contest, which Ellie had only won because Jesse got distracted by one of Ellie’s roommates walking by in a towel.

That had earned him an additional smack upside the head.

So now, on her first morning in her apartment, Ellie pulls on a sweater and pads out into the kitchen in her pyjama shorts. She opens her cupboard and grabs the box of sugary cereal she had bought yesterday. She sits at the kitchen table and eats it by the handful.

A girl walks into the kitchen as Ellie is picking a piece of cereal off her sweater and popping it in her mouth.

“Well that’s classy.” The girl is tall, maybe a bit taller than Ellie. She’s tan, with choppy dark hair, dark eyes, and tattoos on her arms. Ellie stares at her like a deer in headlights. The girl grabs a glass and fills it with water, leaning up against the counter and looking Ellie up and down.

“It’s before nine AM,” Ellie says, finding her voice, “no one needs to be classy before nine AM.”

The girl breaks out into a big smile. Her teeth are really white. “Fair enough.”

“Sorry, who did you say you were?”

“I don’t think I did,” the girl says. She walks over and sits down across from Ellie. “Neither did you.”

“I’m Ellie.”

“Nice to meet you, Ellie,” the girl says. “I like your tattoo. You ever think of getting anything added to it?”

“Um,” Ellie looks at where the rolled up sleeve of her sweater shows off the ink, “maybe.”

The girl reaches into her shirt and pulls a small business card out of her pocket. “Give me a call if you do.” Ellie takes the offered card.

“Sure,” she says. The card is for a tattoo parlour, one she’s passed by on her runs before. “Who do I ask for?”

“Ask for the hottest artist they have.” With that, the girl winks at Ellie and pushes her chair back, practically fucking _sauntering_ out of the kitchen. Ellie doesn’t realise she’s watching the girl’s ass until said girl looks over her shoulder and smirks.

Once she hears the front door open and close, Ellie leans forward and drops her head onto the table.

“What the fuck was that,” Ellie whispers.

* * *

That business card goes up on Ellie’s corkboard. She stares at it a few times a day, in deep debate with herself about whether or not to call the number.

When Dina comes over for the first time, it’s one of the first things she comments on.

“Are you getting another tattoo?”

Ellie shrugs from where she’s rolling a joint at her desk. “I might. This uh, this girl gave me her card.”

Dina looks over at her. “A girl?”

“Yeah, it was so fucking weird,” Ellie says. “She just came into the kitchen and told me to call and ask for the hottest tattoo artist.” For some reason, she feels guilty telling Dina this story. Her cheeks flush a little, and she’s glad to have the joint to focus on.

“Hmm.” Dina walks over and leans over Ellie’s shoulder, the smell of her shampoo hitting Ellie like a ten-ton-truck. It’s been months since they’ve seen each other in person, and Ellie hates to rely on clichés, but absence really did make her dumbass heart grow fonder. Ellie can feel Dina’s arm along her shoulders as she watches Ellie fumble with the joint.

“Do you need something?”

“Just waiting to see if you’ll finish rolling that any time before my hair starts going grey,” Dina says. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“Fuck you,” she says with a laugh.

“Yeah, you wish.”

Okay, so _that_ makes Ellie’s heart skip a beat and then promptly jump into her throat. Dina seems a lot closer now, and Ellie is suddenly ten times more aware of how their cheeks are almost touching, and how Dina’s ponytail tickles Ellie’s neck where it brushes against her occasionally.

“You trying to tell me something?” Ellie doesn’t know where she gets the words and the courage. Some benevolent spirit is looking out for her.

She feels Dina shrug. “I’m just trying to get high.” Then Dina is stepping back and Ellie watches her lounge back on the bed from the corner of her eye. Dina’s legs look longer than they are in the shorts she’s wearing, her skin more deeply tanned than Ellie remembers. It must be from the summer, and Ellie briefly wonders how pale she must look next to the other girl.

The small AC window-unit is clunking away, but Ellie can still see a light sheen of sweat around Dina’s hairline. Since when was sweat something that Ellie found attractive?

“Done,” Ellie says, licking along the seam of the joint. She sits down at the foot of the bed and holds the joint out for Dina. Dina takes it from Ellie with her teeth, grinning at the way Ellie rolls her eyes. “Weirdo.”

“You love it,” Dina says. “Light me?”

Ellie grabs her lighter from her bedside table, flicking the top up and lighting the flame. Dina leans forward, holding the end of the joint in the flame until the herb catches, and Ellie stares as Dina takes a hit, letting the smoke trail out of her mouth slowly.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Dina teases, her voice holding a bit of a rasp in it from the smoke. Ellie shakes her head and takes the joint from the other girl.

“You’re an asshole,” she says. Dina smiles, biting her bottom lip.

“Takes one to know one?”

Ellie smirks, nodding as she takes a hit. She blows the smoke through her nostrils, and Dina shuffles closer.

“So,” she says, “how have you been?”

It’s an innocent enough question, but Ellie knows what Dina’s really asking about.

“I’ve been okay,” Ellie says, holding the joint out for Dina to take. “Joel got me set up with a psychiatrist, which is fuckin’ awkward.”

“That’s good though,” Dina says, and Ellie likes that it feels genuine. “I’ve been worried about you.”

“You don’t need to,” Ellie says.

“Oh, great, now I’ll never worry about you again,” Dina says sarcastically, “now that I know I don’t need to. To think, all the time I wasted _worrying_ and _thinking_ about you.” She reaches out and punches Ellie in the arm. “Stop being a dumbass, Ellie. People worry about the people they love.” Ellie smiles, sheepish. Dina throws her legs over Ellie’s lap and scoots closer, lying down flat on the bed.

Ellie stares at the strip of skin between Dina’s waistband and the hem of her shirt. “So, you were thinking about me?”

Dina sits up halfway and punches her again. “You’re such an _asshole_.” She flops onto her back again.

“An asshole you couldn’t stop thinking about?”

“Jesus Christ,” Dina mutters. “This is the last time I try to be nice to you.”

“Oh, this is you being nice?” Ellie lets out a low whistle. “I’d hate to know what it’s like when you’re being mean.”

Dina rolls her eyes, and Ellie likes the way Dina has to bite her lip to stop from smiling widely.

“Pass the grass, ass,” Dina demands. Ellie obliges, holding the joint out Dina to take. Dina grabs Ellie’s wrist, pulling her down until she’s holding the joint to Dina’s lips. Ellie thinks she might burst into flames as Dina holds eye contact through the hit. Ellie pulls the joint back when Dina gives her a small nod, and Ellie watches her hold the smoke in.

She has a brief vision of Dina blowing the smoke into her mouth, their lips coming together…

The smoke that billows out around her cuts that line of thinking off…or, it curbs it long enough for Ellie to regain her head.

“Are you going to call her?”

Ellie blinks, looking at Dina. She’s confused, and it must be obvious from her face.

“The tattoo girl,” Dina clarifies. “Are you going to call her?”

“Oh.” Ellie taps some ash off the end of the joint. “I don’t know.” She looks over at Dina, who is staring up at the ceiling. “Do you think I should?”

She wants Dina to say something like, “fuck no, I want you all to myself, this random girl shouldn’t get any of your time.”

“I mean,” Dina starts, her voice sounding smaller than before, “if you want to, you should.”

Ellie feels like she might be getting put through some sort of test, but she’s too high to make heads or tails of it.

“I guess so,” she says with a shrug. “I mean, if nothing else, I do kinda want to get another tattoo.”

Dina hums, noncommittal. They sit there until the joint is done. They shift so they’re both lying down on the bed, Dina using Ellie’s outstretched arm as a pillow.

“Are you and Jesse gonna get back together?” Ellie asks. Dina sighs, looking over at her. Ellie scratches the scar on her eyebrow to avoid Dina’s intense eyes.

“I don’t know,” Dina says. “He did ask me out again over the summer. I said no, but…well, if you’re going to abandon me to be with a tattoo artist, maybe I should just say yes to him.”

Ellie fails to hide her frown. “I’m not going to abandon you.”

Dina rolls onto her side and props her head up on her hand. She looks at Ellie until Ellie meets her eyes. Dina has beautiful eyes, deep and dark, easy to get lost in. Ellie counts the freckles that splash across Dina’s nose and cheeks.

Dina’s hand runs through Ellie’s hair, pushing it back from her face. Ellie leans into the touch, a tiny groan slipping through her lips as she feels Dina’s nails scrape lightly against her scalp.

“How about this,” Dina says, continuing to play with Ellie’s hair.

“Mhm?”

“You call her,” Dina says, and Ellie’s eyes flutter shut, “and I come with you to your appointment.”

“That works for me,” Ellie says, and she feels Dina shift closer, the length of her body pressed against Ellie’s. Dina tangles their legs together, Ellie’s skin setting on fire where it touches Dina’s.

“Ellie?” Dina’s voice is soft and cautious. Ellie opens her eyes and swallows nervously at the intensity she finds in Dina’s.

She manages to croak out a, “yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot,” Dina starts, “all summer. Since you left Jackson.” Ellie opens her mouth and Dina can tell where she’s about to go, and promptly cuts her off. “Yes, yes, insert some snarky comment about you not knowing I was capable of thinking so much.” Ellie’s lips turn up into a lazy smile.

“You said it, not me.”

“You’re infuriating.” Dina flops back, her hand leaving Ellie’s hair.

Ellie turns to face Dina now, daring to rest a hand on Dina’s hip. “Have you met you?”

Dina huffs. Ellie tilts her head and smiles. Dina tries to give her a stink-eye, but Ellie can see her failing to hide a smile. With only a bit of struggle, Dina props herself up on her elbows, and suddenly Ellie finds herself a nose length away from her best friend.

“You gonna kiss me this time?”

Ellie was _not_ expecting that. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips, suddenly way too aware of how dry they feel. She opens her mouth to say something, but Dina doesn’t let her get a word in. Instead, she leans forward and with a caution that contradicts her bold words, Dina kisses Ellie.

 _Holy fuck_.

That’s about all Ellie can think of. Dina’s lips are, somehow, even softer than they look. They press against Ellie’s tentatively, moving slowly. Ellie can’t even react enough to close her eyes. Dina pulls back slightly, but Ellie chases her lips. Her hand slides up Dina’s body to weave her fingers into dark hair, slightly damp with sweat. Her eyes drift closed.

When Ellie feels Dina’s tongue poke out slightly, catching Ellie’s lip briefly, Ellie has to pull back and let her brain catch up with her body.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she breathes.

“Yeah,” Dina whispers. The rest their foreheads against each other, and Dina gently rubs her nose against Ellie’s. There’s a small kiss placed on Ellie’s lips, then another, and another, and another until they’re breathing heavy through their noses, and Ellie is pressing her body down on top of Dina’s. Her hips roll and her arms shake from nerves and excitement. Dina’s tongue is warm and heavy in her mouth, and then Dina’s hands are grabbing at the hem of Ellie’s t-shirt, pushing it up until her hands clutch at Ellie’s waist, nails digging into skin.

Ellie breaks their kiss, leaving a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses down Dina’s neck, her teeth scraping and biting, urged on by the noises coming from Dina and the way her body arches underneath Ellie.

“ _Ellie_ ,” Dina moans while Ellie keeps kissing down her neck, across her clavicle and anywhere not covered by the thin tank-top Dina is wearing.

Ellie feels like her entire body is on fire. Every nerve, every inch of skin is ablaze with the sensations of finally, _finally_ kissing Dina. Touching her, feeling her in every way she never thought she would. She feels like she can’t get enough air, and maybe it’s the weed, but she’s never felt so free.

Dina’s fingers tuck into the waistband of the sweatshorts Ellie is wearing, pressing hot against her hipbones.

“Take them off,” Dina says, breathy and insistent.

Ellie pulls back and looks down at her. Her eyes are darker and blown wide with desire, her cheeks flushed and a trail of hickies blazes its way down Dina’s neck.

She’s the most beautiful thing Ellie has ever been lucky enough to see.

“Are you sure?” Ellie asks. Her body screams yes, but Ellie ignores it, waiting for permission from Dina.

“Ellie,” Dina says, her voice firm, “take your fucking pants off. And mine too, while you’re at it.”

“This is how I can tell you’ve only slept with dudes,” Ellie says and she undoes the button of Dina’s shorts. “You get right to the point.”

Dina rolls her eyes. “Fuck you.”

“Yeah, you’re really trying to.”

“Just for that, you can keep your pants on.”

Ellie laughs, pushing Dina’s shirt up. “That’s fine,” she says, “I don’t mind doing all the work.”

Dina whimpers at that, sitting up so that Ellie can pull her shirt off. With a manoeuvre worthy of a gymnast, Dina straddles Ellie’s lap and smooths her hands over Ellie’s shoulders. Ellie reaches around behind Dina and flicks the band of her bra.

“Tell me to stop,” Ellie says against Dina’s lips, “and I’ll stop.”

Dina nips at Ellie’s bottom lip. “You’re assuming _I’m_ the one who needs to say stop.” Dina tangles her fingers in Ellie’s hair. “You can say stop, too.”

“We are pretty high,” Ellie says as Dina tugs her hair and exposes the side of her neck, attaching her lips and applying enough pressure that Ellie knows there will be a mark.

“Should we save it for later?”

Ellie’s heart flutters at the idea that they’ll be doing anything like this later. “Probably. Don’t want to get to the good stuff too fast.”

“The wait can be half the fun,” Dina mumbles, her pelvis grinding down on Ellie’s lap.

“So…waiting?” Dina brings their lips together and kisses Ellie purposefully.

“We can still make out while we wait, right?” Dina kisses along Ellie’s jawline.

“I think it’s encouraged.”

They grin at each other, and then Ellie is pushing Dina back and pinning her arms above her head.

“Smooth moves,” Dina says, breathless.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta tell you, I spent way too long agonizing over if I was going to have them kiss or not. I gave up trying to keep them apart, it kind of wrote itself. 
> 
> As always, every comment and kudos is my driving force to keep pumping these out for you guys. It means the world that other people are in this universe with me.
> 
> Take care, and see you soon :)


	6. September 2015 - November 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look like a slob,” Dina retorts. “I know for a fact that that stain on your shirt has been there since we had Indian food last week.” Her arms loop around Ellie’s shoulders. “You’re gross. Do your laundry.” 
> 
> “Is this how you seduce people?” Ellie asks, raising her eyebrows. 
> 
> “It’s how I seduce you."

**_September 2015_ **

So, here’s the thing with starting to hook up with your best friend. It’s almost like nothing changes; you still hang out and make the same dumb jokes, but once you’re alone and the door is closed, everything changes.

Like, Ellie’s seen Dina’s boobs. That’s kind of nuts. And awesome. And Dina saw Ellie’s boobs, too. It was a really good night.

However, here’s the thing. It’s nothing short of complicated that Dina and Ellie are now friends who see each other’s boobs, and they still hang out with Jesse, who has _also_ seen Dina’s boobs (and more, but if Ellie thinks about that too much, she feels both nauseous and irrationally angry with Jesse). This means, that without even discussing it, Ellie and Dina have somehow decided to play it cool around Jesse. Around everyone, really, but especially around Jesse.

Ellie thinks Jesse would actually be pretty cool about it, he’s just that kind of dude, but there’s still enough of a chance that he’d be pissed off at Ellie and she would lose her friend.

So, for now, they play it cool.

Which proves a lot harder than expected when Dina decides to tag along with her and Jesse on one of their climbing expeditions.

Why does it become so much harder, you may ask? Well, Ellie has never really thought of herself as being particularly attractive. She’s fit enough, and she knows there’s a degree of ‘cute’ around her eyes and the freckles, but overall, she’s always considered herself to be perfectly average-looking. But the way Dina looks at her as she starts climbing is like she’s thinking of every dirty, sexy, probably a little bit nasty thing that she wants to do to Ellie. Or have Ellie to do her. It only gets worse after Ellie descends and sits down next to Dina, Jesse taking his turn at the rockface.

“If I’d known how fucking hot you looked while you climb,” Dina mumbles to her, “I would have been coming along on these trips way more often.” Ellie blushes, jumping when Dina’s hand slides onto her upper thigh.

“Dina,” Ellie warns her, looking at where Jesse is pulling himself up to the next handhold.

“He’s not paying any attention,” Dina says, leaning into Ellie and placing a very salacious kiss behind Ellie’s ear. Her teeth scrape at Ellie’s earlobe, and a shiver runs right down Ellie’s spine.

“Dina, _fuck_ ,” Ellie breathes, and she feels Dina smile against her neck. “We really shouldn’t.”

“Doesn’t that make it just all that much hotter?”

Well, Ellie hadn’t thought of it like that before, but now that she _did_ , Dina is absolutely right.

“You’re such an ass,” Ellie sighs. Dina squeezes her leg and pulls back from her neck.

“You love it,” she says. “Now, I think Jesse might need a little help.”

Ellie looks at where Jesse is hanging in a recovery hold, using his legs to support his arms and take some of the pressure off. She pushes herself up, and Dina smacks her ass as she gets up. Ellie spins around and gives Dina a glare, Dina just smiling innocently up at her. Shaking her head, Ellie goes over to help Jesse plan his route. She glances over her shoulder a few times, looking at where Dina has laid down on the earth, the sun that streams through the tree canopy streaking across the lazy smile that graces her lips.

Her heart growing three sizes, Ellie finds herself looking forward to the rest of the year for one of the first times in her life.

* * *

**_October 2015_ **

Ellie hates Halloween.

She _fucking_ hates it.

Maybe it comes from the life of trauma she’s had, maybe she’s just not very ‘fun’, but Ellie thinks a whole holiday dedicated to scaring people? It’s goddamn stupid, that’s what it is. Her usual strategy is to stay the fuck home and lock the damn doors, but her annoying roommates have decided to throw a very loud party. A very loud party full of drunk people in varying degrees of slutty and scary costumes.

A party that Jesse had gotten wind of and told Dina about. So, of course, they wanted to go.

And Ellie still hadn’t figured out a way to say no to Dina.

All of this is to say that Ellie is up in her room with her headphones on while Dina and Jesse are downstairs with her roommates and all the random, loud, drunk, and stupid strangers.

She’s got loud rock music in her ears, and she’s digging through the box of comic books she still hasn’t unpacked yet. They’re her guilty pleasure, and tonight she’s in need of a little pleasure.

“That’s what she said,” Ellie mumbled to herself. She grabs her favourite issue of _Savage Starlight_ and kicks back on her bed. The breeze is cool on her bare feet, and there’s a weak attempt at using her toes to pull the ends of her sweats over her toes, but it’s just too much effort for the reward.

The door to her room crashes open and a very drunk, and surprisingly scantily-clad minion busts in. The minion slams the door and leans back against it, letting out a long breath. Behind the comically-large goggles, dark eyes find Ellie and a hand jumps to the yellow-painted chest.

“Jesus, you fucking scared me!”

Ellie gapes. “This is my room!”

The minion sniffs the air. “You should consider getting a candle. Or, like, doing some laundry.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Ellie knows her mouth is hanging open, but she can’t help it. There’s a slutty minion in her bedroom.

“Ellie, we’ve met before,” the minion says. She takes off her goggles and waves.

“Ooh,” Ellie says, recognition dawning, “you’re the weird girl who never told me her name.”

“You never called to ask,” the girl says, leaning on the edge of Ellie’s desk.

“Anyone ever told you that you’re kind of an asshole?”

The girl laughs at that. “I’m Cat.” She holds out her hand but then looks at the yellow body paint on it and retracts it. “You probably don’t want this shit all over your hand.”

“Definitely not,” Ellie agrees. “Why are you in my room?”

“There’s a lot of testosterone down there,” Cat says. “Just wanted a place to get some air.” She looks around at the piles of dirty clothes on Ellie’s floor. “Clearly, I chose the wrong door.”

“You’re being pretty rude for an intruder.”

“Sorry,” Cat says, “I’m a bit drunk. And just kind of an ass on the best of days.” She peers at the comic book Ellie is still holding. “Is that _Savage Starlight_?”

“Uh,” Ellie looks down at the comic, “yeah.”

“Issue thirty-nine?” Cat comes over and sits beside Ellie on the bed. “Where Dr. Star finds out that her first officer has actually been a gyrogull the entire time?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, thoroughly surprised at the other girl’s knowledge of the series. “It’s uh, a first edition.”

“Shut _up_ ,” Cat gasps. “I won’t touch it with my nasty yellow hands, but holy _shit_.”

They talk about _Savage Starlight_ for ages. Ellie isn’t used to getting along with strangers, but Cat is shockingly easy to get along with once she stops seeming so cool. There are few things in this world nerdier than Ellie’s ability to geek out over _Savage Starlight_ , but Ellie may have met her match in Cat.

“And when she uses the quantum accelerator to save the Twillyflip home planet?” Ellie makes an explosion noise with her mouth. “Blew my mind.”

“You are such a nerd,” Cat laughs.

“Oh, like it didn’t blow you away?”

Cat tilts her head, and smiles. “Yeah, okay, it was fucking _sick._ ”

Ellie grins. “Two nerds here.”

“Have you ever seen the animated series?” Cat asks, and Ellie scoffs.

“Man, I _own_ the animated series.”

“Fuck off!” Cat slaps Ellie’s thigh, making Ellie jump. “It’s impossible to find, I’m so jealous!”

“Do you…do you want to watch it?”

Cat looks at Ellie and says, very seriously, “I could kiss you right now.”

“Uh,” Ellie knows that she’s blushing like crazy but she pushes through, “I actually…I’m kind of seeing someone so maybe don’t…kiss me.”

“Damn it,” Cat says, laughing, “just my luck.”

Ellie expects her to get up and leave, now thinking that Cat was only here to get with her. Not that Ellie thinks she’s high on anyone’s list to ‘get with’, but it seems like the only possibility. She waits for Cat to get up and leave, scratching the side of her nose.

“You gonna get those DVDs?”

Ellie looks up and sees Cat waiting expectantly. “You still want to watch them?”

“Jesus Christ,” Cat sighs, “you think I’m here just to, what, seduce you? No offence, string-bean, but you’re not that hot.” Cat looks her over. “Well, actually, you’re pretty hot. If you didn’t have a ‘thing’ with someone, I’d definitely be looking to tap that kind of scrawny-looking ass of yours.” Ellie starts to protest, but Cat puts a finger to her lips. “Shut up and get the damn show going, Ellie.”

Ellie has to dig around in her closet to find the box of DVDs, and she triumphantly holds up the boxed set of _Savage Starlight_. She pops it in her laptop and sits beside Cat, the laptop whirring away on her lap. The theme song starts up, all synthesizers and electronic drums. Ellie hums along, and she hears Cat join her.

“You realise you’re missing the party?” Ellie asks. She selects the first episode and hits play.

“Pretty sure I _found_ the party,” Cat says.

They make it through five twenty-minute episodes before Ellie’s door opens again, this time revealing Dina in her Lara Croft costume. Dina takes in Ellie and Cat on Ellie’s bed, and Ellie sees her eyes narrow slightly.

_Defuse._

“Dina,” Ellie says, pausing the show and jumping off the bed. In hindsight, this may have made it look like she had something to be guilty about. “Dina, this is Cat. She’s a minion.”

Cat waves from the bed. “Hey.”

Dina smiles, her lips tight. “Hey.” She looks at the laptop screen. “What are you guys watching?”

“Porn,” Cat says, and Ellie’s jaw drops.

“No!” She glares at Cat and turns to Dina. “It’s not, it’s not porn. It’s a cartoon, a sci-fi show. Kat’s a fan, I’m a fan, we’re just…watching a cartoon.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Cat pipes in, “I…it was funnier before I said it.”

“Right,” Dina says. She puts her hand on Ellie’s arm. “Babe, I’m kind of tired.” She looks up at Ellie, and they have only been hooking up for a month, but Ellie is very aware that those are _not_ Dina’s tired eyes.

“I’ll get going,” Cat says, standing up and giving them a smile. “Ellie, it was very nice to meet you again. And we should pick this up sometime.” She gives them a fake salute and shuts the door behind her.

Dina stares at the bed, and Ellie thinks she might be in trouble, but she’s not sure how.

“She left a bunch of yellow body paint on the sheets,” Dina says. Ellie looks over at the bed and sighs.

“She really did.” Ellie slides her arms around Dina’s waist and pulls the shorter girl against her body. “You look…pretty hot.” She makes a big show of looking Dina up and down, and she feels a wave of relief wash over her when Dina smiles, biting her bottom lip.

“You look like a slob,” Dina retorts. “I know for a fact that that stain on your shirt has been there since we had Indian food last _week_.” Her arms loop around Ellie’s shoulders. “You’re gross. Do your laundry.”

“Is this how you seduce people?” Ellie asks, raising her eyebrows.

“It’s how I seduce _you_ ,” Dina says, leaning up and pressing a lingering kiss to Ellie’s lips. “But I’m not getting in that bed with that paint.” Ellie sighs, stealing another kiss before stripping the sheets off her bed.

“I don’t have another pair of clean sheets,” Ellie says, holding the bundle of sheets to her chest.

“Correction, you don’t have a _single_ pair of clean sheets,” Dina says. “How am I into you?” She takes the sheets from Ellie and drops them on the floor. She puts her hands against Ellie’s abdomen and purses her lips. “Doesn’t matter,” she says, “I just am.”

Ellie lifts her arms as Dina pulls her shirt off, shivering slightly as the cool air from the window and the heat from Dina’s gaze collide on her skin, Dina’s fingers tracing a line up the middle of her stomach and between her breasts.

“Is it weird that I like that?” Ellie asks.

“No weirder than me doing it,” Dina says with a shrug. “Now, get on the bed.”

“Bossy,” Ellie mutters, and she laughs as Dina pokes her side. “Okay, okay, I’m going.” Ellie lies down on the bare mattress and can’t help the smile that breaks out on her face as Dina straddles her.

“It’s Halloween,” Dina says.

“Thanks, tips,” Ellie shoots back. Dina pokes her in the stomach.

“I was going to say something sexy,” Dina sighs.

“Let me try,” Ellie says, sitting up and kissing the skin above the low cut of Dina’s tank top. “Dina, would you like to do the monster mash with me?”

Dina laughs and pokes Ellie in the sides and the stomach repeatedly, the two of them collapsing into a pile of limbs and laughter. “You’re the worst,” Dina says through her laughter.

They struggle together until Ellie pins Dina down. They catch their breath and Ellie presses quick kisses to Dina’s face. Dina’s hands grip at Ellie’s back, gently digging her nails into the skin there.

“Let’s trick or treat,” Ellie whispers in Dina’s ear.

“Shut up,” Dina snorts. Ellie grins, fitting her lips to Dina’s and kissing her deeply, her tongue sliding into Dina’s mouth. Hips roll together, and Ellie finds a piece of heaven in every inch of skin that touches Dina. Ellie breathes deeply through her nose, slipping her hand under the hem of Dina’s shirt.

“Ellie,” Dina says as they break the kiss, her voice breathless and soft.

“Mhm?” Ellie pushes Dina’s shirt up.

“You wanna be my boo?”

Ellie groans, and Dina’s laughter makes her feel like she could fly.

* * *

**_November 2015_ **

Catt gives Ellie a new tattoo. She charges half-price in return for Ellie inviting her over again to watch more _Savage Starlight_. Dina sits through the whole tattoo process, holding Ellie’s other hand. Ellie doesn’t _need_ Dina to do that, per se, but she certainly likes it. The three young women make small talk until it’s just Ellie and Cat geeking out over their other shared comic-themed interests. Ellie’s sure that Dina is bored out of her mind by the time Cat is wrapping up Ellie’s tattoo and giving her aftercare instructions.

They leave the tattoo parlour and step into the chilly late-autumn air, snow building on the ground as it blows in flurries. The wind is strong, slicing at their cheeks as they walk down the street. Ellie pulls her hood on, hunching her shoulders against the cold.

“Fuck it’s cold,” Ellie grumbles.

“It’s less cold when you’re wearing weather-appropriate attire,” Dina says, gesturing to her own windbreaker and fleece, the headband over her ears, and the thick socks she’s got shoved in her boots. Ellie looks down at her own outfit, ripped jeans that are a couple inches too short, bare ankles sticking out above the tops of her canvas sneakers, a ratty hoodie and denim jacket.

“Shut up,” Ellie mumbles, and Dina steps in front of her. She unwraps the scarf from around her neck and loops it around Ellie, tying it tightly. Ellie thinks she looks gorgeous, snowflakes in her hair and her nose red from the cold.

“There,” Dina says.

Ellie hopes she isn’t blushing too obviously, that the red in her cheeks will be well-blended with the red from the cold. “Thanks.” She glances around them, then leans in and kisses Dina quickly.

“Come on,” Dina says, failing to temper the wide smile that came onto her lips. “I’m starving.”

They head to the twenty-four-hour diner that is a favourite student hang out. It’s clearly been around since the fifties, maybe even before then, and the décor reflects the decades that it’s gone through, a mix of every year on all the walls. Old rock and roll music is always playing in the background, from a jukebox as old as time. Dina waves to the generally-ill-tempered waitress as they slide into a booth by the front windows.

“You know Doris hates everyone, right?” Ellie asks.

“She loves me,” Dina says with a cocky shrug and a smirk. Ellie rolls her eyes, grabbing the menu and browsing through it, doing the “pretending I won’t just get the same thing I always do” dance.

“I never understood why any restaurant would put the word ‘surprise’ in a name of a dish,” Dina muses as she does the same routine with her menu. “‘Meatloaf surprise’, just call it food poisoning and be done with it.”

Ellie smiles. “Don’t let old Doris over there hear you say that. I really don’t want to find one of those acrylics in my lunch.” The crotchety old waitress is busy pouring coffee for a couple of men at the counter, and Dina laughs.

“That’s the surprise.”

“You’re so gross.”

Doris comes over, and Ellie can’t believe her eyes when the old woman smiles at Dina and has an actual conversation about her grandkids and Dina’s classes, bringing with her a pitcher of water and two glasses.

“Doris, have you met Ellie?” Ellie’s eyes go wide when the attention is turned to her.

“You’re always in here with that tall boy,” Doris says with narrowed eyes.

“Uh, yeah,” Ellie confirms, assuming Doris is talking about Jesse.

Doris makes a small noise, a little ‘harrumph’ in the back of her throat. “Well, what can I get for the two of you?” Dina orders a sandwich and Ellie orders chicken tenders. Dina looks at her with the fond smile she gives when Ellie does something kind of stupid. Doris takes their menus and walks away.

“Chicken tenders,” Dina muses, shaking her head at Ellie. “You’re cute.”

“Ugh,” Ellie groans. “Shut up.”

Dina smiles and it warms Ellie from the inside out. They talk about classes, about how Jesse’s hair is starting to look like a mullet. Ellie watches as Dina mimics her Neuropsych prof, pushing up imaginary glasses with her middle finger.

“It’s like he’s flipping us all off,” Dina says through her laughter.

Ellie tells Dina about her physics class, and how her professor is looking for some undergraduate students to help with an astrophysics project she’s trying to get funding for.

“I think I’ll put my name in the hat,” Ellie says. “I know I’m not the most experienced one in the class, but on the off chance I get picked, it would be so fucking cool to be part of this.”

Dina is smiling at her so widely and with eyes full of adoration. “You’d be great, Ellie. You’re _going_ to be great.” Doris slides their food onto the table in between them, and Ellie digs in.

“I’ve been thinking,” Dina says, taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Good for you,” Ellie gets out through a mouthful of breaded chicken. Dina throws a fry at her. It bounces off Ellie’s chest and onto her plate. Ellie grabs it and pops it in her mouth, grinning at Dina’s exasperated shake of her head.

“Fuck you,” Dina says, “let me finish.” Ellie swallows her food and makes a zipping motion across her mouth. “Well, we’ve been…doing _this_ ,” Dina gestures between the two of them, “for a couple months now, right?”

“Right,” Ellie says, and she can feel the worry start to build in the pit of her stomach.

“And it’s been great,” Dina continues. “Like…really great. You’re just…you’re great, and I think I’m pretty great, so the combination is-“

“Great?” Ellie guesses.

Dina fixes her with a glare. “Well, yes.”

“Hey,” Ellie leans forward and reaches across the table, taking Dina’s hand in hers. “It has been great. I’ll stop being a snarky asshole now.”

“No, you won’t,” Dina says, but the smile that creeps up on her lips is full of affection.

“Well,” Ellie raises her eyebrows and takes a deep breath through her nose, “I’ll try really hard to keep it to like…fifty-percent of what I normally am.” She grins at Dina and waits for Dina to sigh and nod.

“So generous of you.” Dina twists her hand until she’s lacing her fingers through Ellie’s. The pit in Ellie’s stomach recedes just a bit, taking comfort in the intimate contact. Their fingers fit together, Ellie’s long and on the bony side of things, Dina’s smaller and smoother, the darker tone of her skin and Ellie’s own pale skin making a pattern of stripes.

“Please keep telling me how great I am,” Ellie says.

“I just wanted to say that, because this is so great,” Dina licks her lips, and Ellie can hear the slightest nervous tremble in her voice, “I think we should tell Jesse.”

“Oh,” Ellie says. Her heart speeds up a bit. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Well, we’re going to have to tell him sometime, right?” Dina shrugs. “It’s better to tell him now, before things get too far and then suddenly we’re getting married and he’s only finding out then.”

“That’s – wait, what?” Ellie’s eyes open wide as she realises what Dina had said. “We’re getting married?”

“Uh,” for once it’s Dina stuttering, “I mean, _no_ , it’s just…I was just trying to point out that we should tell him now, before things…before…oh, shut up!” She lets go of Ellie’s hand and hides her face in her hands, her cheeks bright red. Ellie starts laughing, and Dina tells her to shut up again, but Ellie just laughs harder.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Ellie gasps out, “you want to _marry me_?” She’s putting extra attitude in her words, taking full advantage of the way the tables have turned to let her tease Dina. “Dina, I’m flattered, but you’ll have to ask Joel’s permission. I’m a very traditional girl.”

Dina groans and leans her head back against the back of the bench. “Fuck _off_.”

“That’s no way to speak to your wife,” Ellie scolds her, “I’m afraid that’s a point against you.”

“If we weren’t in public, I’d kick your ass,” Dina threatens her, peeking out between her fingers. “In fact, if you keep it up, I might just kick it anyways.”

“Temper,” Ellie says, pretending to take notes on her napkin, “violent tendencies.”

Dina kicks her shin under the table. “Can you stop?”

“I’m sure I can,” Ellie says, “I’m just not sure I _want_ to.”

“I hate you.”

Ellie takes a long drink of water and lets out an exaggerated breath, smacking her lips. “Sure, whatever you say.”

Dina drops her hands from her face, and narrows her eyes. “You make me want to go out into that blizzard.”

Ellie looks around them at the diner, Doris behind the counter and the truckers busy eating their plates of greasy food. “No one is stopping you.” Dina rolls her eyes and Ellie pops a fry into her mouth.

“Returning to the actual discussion,” Dina says, her eyes daring Ellie to try and tease her again. Ellie holds her tongue. “Are you ready to tell Jesse? I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, but I also know it’s going to be awkward.”

“Oh, it’s going to be beyond awkward.” Ellie sighs. “I guess we sort of have to.”

“Don’t worry,” Dina says, giving Ellie’s hand a reassuring pat, “he’s never beat anyone up over me.” She pauses, seeming to contemplate this. “Oh, no, there was one time. But he hated that guy anyways, I’m sure Jesse won’t try to beat you up.”

“Very reassuring,” Ellie mumbles.

“Anything for you,” Dina says, the glint in her eyes mischievous as she grins at Ellie.

* * *

Dina and Ellie decide the best way to break it to Jesse is to cook him dinner, and then tell him as he’s enjoying dessert. Ellie trusts Dina’s judgement on this, since she’s already gotten him to fall in love with her.

Ellie really needs to stop remembering that, or _she_ might end up being the one throwing punches.

Jesse meets them at Dina’s place, Ellie having been there since the day before. He brings a box of chardonnay and his usual calming presence. Ellie’s been nervous all day, picking at her cuticles until they bled. She knows Jesse is a reasonable guy, way more reasonable the she is herself, but she can’t stand the thought of losing him. Aside from Dina, he’s her best friend. And now that she’s Dina’s…well, now that she and Dina are doing what they’re doing, Ellie really needs to know she’s still going to have a best friend.

Dina has cooked Jesse’s favourite, a spicy and saucy pasta dish, topped with shrimp and a variety of vegetables. Ellie’s been put in charge of setting the table, because Dina refuses to let her cook. Probably a smart choice, as Ellie’s idea of cooking these days is pretty limited to anything pre-frozen or in easy-to-use packaging.

The food is absolutely delightful. Ellie scarfs it down, only regretting it once the meal ends and that nervous nausea comes back. Jesse heads to bathroom, and Ellie clears the table. She hates how her hands shake, and she has to lean over the sink to calm herself.

“Hey,” Jesse walks into the small kitchen, putting his hand on her back, “you feelin’ okay?”

Ellie nods and straightens up, turning to face him. “Yeah,” she says, “I’m fine. Just, uh, tired.”

Jesse clearly doesn’t believe her, but he nods and gives her an encouraging smile. “As long as it’s not food poisoning,” he jokes, “because that shit sucks.”

“Pun intended?” Ellie says with a chuckle.

“Of course,” Jesse says, and his smile is infectious. “Come on, Dina’s probably already eaten all the dessert by now.”

They go back to the table, and Dina has already served up slices of the cake she had made earlier that day. Ellie doesn’t miss the way Dina’s piece is already missing a few bites, but she doesn’t call her out on it.

“So, Jesse,” Dina starts, and Ellie puts the bite she was about to eat back down on her plate, “Ellie and I have something we want to tell you.”

“Sure,” he says, a bit of chocolate frosting on the corner of his mouth. “I’m all ears.”

“Ellie?” Dina looks at Ellie across the table, and Ellie freezes. She looks at Dina, deer in headlights, waiting for Dina to pull her out of the way of the incoming truck.

Then she notices that Dina is looking at her the same way, pleading with her to take the lead on this, her eyes starting to shine with unshed tears.

Ellie can do this. For Dina, she’d do anything.

“We’re, um,” Ellie shifts her gaze over to Jesse, “we’re kind of dating. Dina and I.”

Jesse’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, and he looks between the two girls. “Oh shit.”

“It wasn’t…we didn’t _plan_ this,” Ellie fumbles for words, “I just…it kind of just happened? Like, two months ago, and we didn’t want to say anything until we were sure, but now it’s – well, it’s now, and we’re sure, so…” She tugs at her fingers as she speaks, her hands clammy.

“Dina?” Jesse turns to the girl in question, and Ellie looks at her too. Dina’s got a few tear tracks on her cheeks, and she offers Jesse a sad smile.

“We’re really happy,” she says, and it’s quiet and soft.

Jesse and Dina hold each other’s gaze, and Ellie feels like an outsider, like someone who is listening to a conversation in a language they don’t speak. After a few seconds Jesse speaks.

“That’s great,” he says, and Ellie looks at him, totally fucking shocked to hear him say that. “I’m really happy for you guys.”

Ellie searches his face for any sign of bullshit, but she doesn’t find any. And bullshit isn’t how Jesse operates. He’s the most honest guy she knows, loyal to a fault.

Dina throws her arms around his neck and he hugs her back, and Ellie feels relief swamp her, and sees it leave Dina’s face in the form of a few more falling tears.

“I promise, these are happy tears,” Dina reassure them both as she pulls back from the hug.

“Good,” Jesse says, passing her a napkin, “because if Ellie’s already making you cry, I’ll have to kick her ass.” He punctuates this with a wink to Ellie, who rolls her eyes.

“I’d like to see you try,” she says. Jesse grins and takes a big bite of cake.

“Get enough chardonnay in me, and you just might.”

They all laugh at that, finishing up their dessert and migrating to the couch. Ellie’s stomach flutters when Dina leans against her, tucking herself under Ellie’s arm. Ellie looks anxiously at Jesse, wondering what she’ll see in his eyes, but he’s just smiling and joking with Dina about her taste in movies, like nothing at all has changed.

And in some ways, it’s almost like nothing has. Except, for Ellie, everything has. For the better.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My speed is slipping, but I promise to keep churning these out for you guys. There's a lot happening in the world and in life that's just...taxing and tragic and so fucking hard, but I want to keep on writing this. It's a great escape, and I hope to provide that for anyone who needs it. 
> 
> Your comments and kudos mean the world, I read them over and over, and if there's anything in particular you'd like to see me write in this AU, please feel free to suggest it. I don't promise when it'll show up, but I want to make sure you guys are getting what you want from this, as you guys are half the reason this is being created! I can't promise that every chapter will be free of some sadness, or some hardships, but to balance that out I want to give you all some good, old-fashioned fluff and happy times too. 
> 
> A thousand thank you's, and stay safe out there :)


	7. December 2015-February 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like every other time she’s gone to draw over this holiday, her pencil seems to draw Dina without any input from Ellie. Dina’s face, her profile as a shadow, just sketches of her eyes over and over again. Full-bodied sketches, drawings of Dina laughing, trying to recall the exact way her eyes crinkle when she smiles.

**_December 2015_ **

It’s one of the worst storms that Ellie’s ever seen. The roads are filled with snow, cars completely covered. Front doors are blocked off, shops are closed, and wires are down. The whole town is silent, and Ellie is somehow still stuck studying for final exams. They’ve managed to move all exams online or to a take-home format, which sounds nice in theory. Reality is different, when you’re as much of a procrastinator that Ellie is. Especially since she’s gotten snowed in at Dina’s place.

Ellie loves Dina’s small apartment. It’s just two small rooms (plus a bathroom), but Dina has made it feel like the homiest two rooms that have ever existed. The couch is beyond comfortable, the walls are covered in art and tapestries, small twinkling lights strung around the tops of the walls. There’s always a candle burning, the kettle forever waiting to be boiled.

When the storm had been reported heading towards them, Dina had convinced Ellie to pack up whatever she needed and come stay with her. Ellie wasn’t going to argue, because being stuck in her room, in her house with all her roommates and _no_ Dina? Sounded goddamn terrible.

It’s been three days of being snowed in, the snow and wind relentless outside. Climate change has really fucked up Mother Nature, and this is an obvious example of it. Ellie looks up from the screen of her laptop where she’s been trying to write the exam code for her computer science course, watching the sleet pound against the window. Dina is still asleep, the sky still dark.

Life feels like a dream these days. Ellie can’t believe that she wakes up next to Dina, the woman she…well, she loves. It’s nothing new, she’s always loved Dina, but now she’s sure that she’s pretty deeply _in_ love with her. Admitting it to herself is one thing, but Ellie hasn’t found the courage to get those words out of her mouth. It almost slips out when she sees Dina flipping pancakes in the morning, when Dina stubs her toe and cusses out the edge of the couch. When Dina bites her lip as she looks at Ellie, how the stubborn shorter hairs around her ears curl without permission. The way Dina says Ellie’s name, the way she kisses her, the smell of her skin when Ellie wraps around her at night. Her shitty singing, how she refuses to buy any new appliances and insists on fixing what’s broken, however she can.

It’s love in everything she does, and Ellie doesn’t know what to do about it. It can be overwhelming.

Shaking her head, shaking off her distracting thoughts of Dina, Ellie returns to her coding. This is the worst part of switching into a B.Sc., the fucking computers. Ellie loves science, she loves the learning about how the world works, why it is this way, but _fuck_ computers. They exist purely to piss her off, she’s sure of it.

She works until the sun rises and her eyes start to ache. The kink in her neck protests as she sits up, rolling her neck and rubbing at the knot that’s formed in her shoulder. Placing her computer on the coffee table, Ellie stands and stretches out her back, walking to the stove and lighting the burner under the kettle. With quiet, sock-muted steps, she goes into the bedroom and slides under the duvet, shuffling until she’s flush against Dina’s back, draping an arm over Dina’s body and pulling her close. Ellie presses her nose the back of Dina’s neck, inhaling the smell of her shampoo, and the warmth of her skin.

“Hmm?” Dina wakes slowly, a small noise of surprise slipping through her lips.

“Morning,” Ellie mumbles, kissing the nape of Dina’s neck, “it’s still snowing.”

“Mhm,” Dina hums, turning in Ellie’s arms and burrowing into her. Ellie’s heart grows wings as Dina’s hand fists in the material of her sweater.

“I’ve been up forever,” Ellie continues, “I missed you.”

“’m right here,” Dina mumbles, and Ellie tangles their legs together.

“You should get up and hang out with me.”

“It’s so early,” Dina groans, her breath tickling Ellie’s collarbone.

Ellie slides a hand into Dina’s hair, gently massaging her scalp. “Come on,” she pleads, “I’ve put the kettle on for you.”

Dina huffs and rolls onto her back, and Ellie loves how her eyes are squinted against the morning, how she stretches out full-bodied like a cat, how her hair spreads across the pillow.

“You’re the worst,” Dina says with a sigh as her muscles relax again, “why can’t you just sleep in with me and then we could spend all day happy in bed?” She turns her head to look at Ellie, and Ellie leans forward, kissing her quickly.

“Because that sounds lame,” Ellie teases. “Now come on, get up and eat and brush your teeth so that we can make out.” Dina smiles at that, sitting up and pulling her hair back into a messy bun. The duvet falls from her body, and Ellie doesn’t hide her stare as Dina stretches her back one more time.

“You’re a perv,” Dina says, catching Ellie out of the corner of her eye.

“You’re the one who wears that thin tank top,” Ellie says with a shrug, pushing the duvet to end of the bed, “and those shorts.” Her gaze rakes over Dina’s skin, and she whistles. Dina leans over and lands a weak punch on her arm, her fist loose and sleepy.

“Shut up,” Dina says. With a great effort, she pushes herself off the bed and grabs a sweater, pulling it over her head.

“That’s mine,” Ellie says. Dina looks down at the sweater and sees the faded logo of Ellie’s high school on the front.

“Huh,” she says, stifling a yawn with her hand, the sleeve too long and only her fingers poking out, “I guess it is.” With that, she heads back into the other room, the kettle starting to whistle on the stove. Ellie follows, catching Dina around the waist and pulling her close, nuzzling her neck.

“You’re a thief, babe,” Ellie says, nipping playfully at the skin below Dina’s ear.

“Because I stole your heart?”

Ellie groans, releasing Dina from her grasp. “That was so _bad_.”

“You love it,” Dina says with a sleepy smile. Ellie loves the way it takes her forever to wake up in the mornings. The kettle’s whistle reaches its peak, and Dina turns off the stove, opening the spout and grabbing a teabag from the tin next to the stove.

“Want any?” She asks, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. Ellie shakes her head, taking a seat on the couch and opening up her laptop. She listens to Dina hum quietly to herself as she pours the hot water into the mug.

Dina comes and sits beside her, curling up against the arm of the couch, mug clutched in her hands. She tucks her feet under Ellie’s leg, wiggling her toes and getting a small squeak of surprise from her.

An old sitcom is turned on, and they watch it in comfortable silence, Dina sipping her tea slowly. Ellie checks her phone, replying to Joel’s ‘are you still alive in that blizzard’ text for the first of many times that day. He’s been sending her at least four message a day to make sure she’s still okay. It would be touching if it wasn’t so annoying.

She types up her answer: _I’m fine, still alive, not dead under a snowdrift. Take a chill pill, old man._

Dina’s phone goes off on the coffee table, and Dina huffs dramatically as she leans forward to grab it.

“Fuck me,” she groans. Her tea is placed on the table, and Ellie watches her curiously as she takes the call into the bedroom. The door is shut firmly behind her, and Ellie frowns. She doesn’t know who it would be that Dina would make such an effort to make sure Ellie isn’t able to hear the conversation.

The conversation is short, and Dina comes storming back out of the bedroom.

“Everything okay?” Ellie asks over her shoulder.

“Sure,” Dina says, her voice sharp, “just my sister being the world’s most annoying _bitch_.”

The words sound foreign from Dina’s lips, the tone of her voice harsher than Ellie’s ever heard it. She knew there was a reason that she didn’t meet Dina’s sister when she was visiting over the summer, and when she had asked Jesse about it, he had been pretty evasive. Families are complicated, Ellie knows that, but she also can’t help the burning curiosity.

“Do you…want to talk about it?” Ellie hands Dina her unfinished cup of tea, and Dina grips it so tightly her knuckles turn white.

“No, I don’t,” Dina says. Ellie nods, swallowing nervously. The sitcom plays in front of them, neither of them paying it any attention. The air is thick with tension, and Ellie bounces her leg uncomfortably. She can feel the anger rolling off of Dina like angry red lines in a comic book. They get through a whole episode in this silence, and Ellie can’t take it anymore. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and she hates that she’s about to confront Dina about this, but…

“Dina?” Ellie says, leaning forward and stopping the next episode from playing. Dina looks at her, and Ellie braces herself against the glare she’s getting. “I think maybe we should talk about this? You’re kind of freaking me out.”

Dina squeezes her eyes shut, clenches her jaw, and Ellie thinks she might have just signed her death warrant.

Dina opens her eyes and Ellie sees the beginning of tears in them. “It was the first night of Hanukkah, and my sister was just…being an asshole about it.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that Hanukkah started last night,” Ellie says, feeling like shit.

“Don’t be sorry,” Dina says, “I don’t expect you to do anything like that. It’s not your culture. It’s mine, as Talia so _kindly_ reminded me today.” Dina sighs heavily and Ellie pretends not to notice how she wipes a tear from her cheek with her sleeve. “It’s my first time away from home for Hanukah and I just…I forgot. I forgot all about it. And when Talia called, she just wanted to hear about my first Hanukkah away from home, and then I told her I forgot and…she’s just a lot more devout than I am.” Ellie turns and sits sideways on the couch, facing Dina and putting her hand on Dina’s leg. Dina offers her a watery smile. “I snapped. I hate it when she acts like she’s somehow _better_ than me because she’s a better Jew, or whatever. And then we just started arguing. I hung up on her.”

“That sucks,” Ellie says, “I’m sorry.” She doesn’t know what to say, Ellie’s never had any siblings. Arguments about strength of faith have never been a part of her life.

“The worst part,” Dina says, and Ellie can’t stand the way her lower lips trembles visibly, “is that I just wish I was home with them.” She sniffs back more tears, and Ellie scoots forward, pulling Dina into a hug. It’s awkward, with their legs between them and Dina’s face leaking tears and snot onto Ellie’s shoulder, but Ellie holds her there. Her hand rubs up and down Dina’s back, trying to soothe out the shaking of Dina’s body.

“It’s okay,” Ellie mumbles, pressing a kiss to the side of Dina’s head, “you’re okay.”

“Thank you,” Dina says, her voice muffled by Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie kisses her again, and Dina pulls back, wiping at her cheeks. “How hot do I look right now?” The joke is weak like her smile, but Ellie smiles back and rests her hands on Dina’s legs, her thumbs gently stroking the skin beneath them.

“Pretty hot,” Ellie answers. Dina laughs, short and choked with sadness.

“I think I got some snot on your sweater,” Dina says, and Ellie eyes the wet patch on her shoulder.

“I didn’t even notice.”

“Liar,” Dina says. She sniffs again, making a grossed-out faced. “Okay, I’m going to go wash this situation,” she gestures at her face. As she stands, she kisses Ellie on the cheek and gives her a grateful smile. “Thanks for listening.” Her hand cups Ellie’s cheek briefly, and then she’s in the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Ellie hits play on her computer again, face flushed.

They spend the day working on their respective assignments; or, Dina worked on her assignments, and Ellie worked on something entirely different.

By the time the sun is setting, Ellie finishes up her project. Dina is in the kitchen, starting to prep dinner.

“Hey, Dina?” Ellie calls to her. “Can you come here for a second?”

Dina walks over to her, leaning over the back of the couch and subsequently, Ellie’s shoulder. “What’s up?” Her breath warms the shell of Ellie’s ear.

“I have something I want to show you,” Ellie says, opening up her laptop and opening a document titled “melord_melady_menorah”.

It’s a small computer program that Ellie has written. The screen shows a cartoony, pixelated, but recognizable menorah. Dina gasps slightly.

“Ellie,” she breathes, “did you…?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “I did. You’re missing Hanukkah with your family, and that sucks. I know we missed last night, but I figure we can fit two in tonight.”

Dina leans forward and presses the side of her face to Ellie’s. “You’re amazing.” She clambers over the back of the couch to sit beside Ellie, pressed against her side.

Ellie clears her throat to clear away the colour in her cheeks. “So, you just have to click the sha- _shamash_ to light it, and then once it’s lit, you click and drag it to light the other candles.”

Dina does so, and Ellie can see her lips moving slightly as she recites something under her breath. Her left hand finds Ellie’s right, linking their fingers together as she closes her eyes. Ellie follows suit, lowering her head and shutting her eyes. Dina’s words are too soft to make out, so Ellie focuses on her own breathing, on the way her heart feels absolutely full of love in this moment.

Suddenly, a pair of lips are on hers, and Ellie sighs into them. Hands hold the sides of her face, fingers slipping into her hairline. Dina’s breath tastes like toothpaste, her lips smooth with balm. Ellie melts against Dina, giving in to her completely. If Dina is the moon, Ellie’s the tides, doing exactly as the moon is telling her to, every movement she makes according to Dina. It feels like the most natural thing in the world.

“Thank you,” Dina whispers against Ellie’s lips. She kisses her again, and Ellie feels Dina’s intention deep in her gut. Dina climbs onto Ellie’s lap, straddling her and pressing against her torso. Ellie’s hands rest low on Dina’s waist, gripping her firmly and pulling her closer. The air feels electric, and their movements grow more frantic. Dina’s hands slide down Ellie’s chest and under her sweater, lighting a trail of goosebumps as they travel upwards.

“Dina,” Ellie gasps, arching into her touch, “Dina, what-“

“Shh,” Dina hushes her, “just…be with me.” Ellie tucks her fingers under the waistband of Dina’s pyjama shorts, the skin beneath her calloused fingers soft and smooth.

“Are you sure?” Ellie asks, her heart pounding loudly in her ears. “I didn’t do this so we could have sex, just so that’s clear.” Her voice is breathy and lilted as Dina’s hands move and her fingers work some kind of dark magic on Ellie’s body.

“I know,” Dina says, giving Ellie a smile. “Ellie, I trust you. I care about you _so_ much, and every day I feel so,” she takes a deep breath, “so lucky to be with you.” Ellie feels the unexpected well of tears in her eyes, and she can see Dina’s shining with them too. “I want this. I want _you_.” They lock eyes and Dina tilts her head, smiling, silently asking Ellie if it’s okay.

“I want you, too,” Ellie says. Dina’s smile widens, and Ellie’s grows to match. Their lips meet again, a clashing of smiles, and Ellie pushes Dina down onto her back. They pause, still smiling at each other, and then Ellie is pressing down, and the world around them disappears.

It takes two more days for the town to wake up again. The streets are ploughed, the wires back up, the shops reopen. Exams stay online, the entire campus happy to stay home. The days pass with sunlight gleaming off the white snow, trips to the foothills to go sledding, hot cocoa being sipped from tin thermoses, breath fogging up the air. It’s all the best parts of winter, coming like a rainbow after a thunderstorm.

Ellie finds herself happy. Like, smiling and laughing at little things just for the hell of it, that kind of happy. She knows it has everything to do with Dina, everything to do with how full and light her heart is. The days are amazing, time spent with Jesse and Dina, sometimes a few of their other friends, and then the nights come and it’s like every fantasy of normal life that Ellie ever dreamed she could have. She’s still staying at Dina’s place, unwilling to give up the routines they’re established.

Dinner is made together; Dina only allowing Ellie to chop and stir. They eat together at the small dining table, conversation flowing easily between them. They clean up together, and settle down to do some homework or watch something. They never make it more than an hour before one of the young women stops being able to keep her hands to herself.

* * *

If Ellie thought that making out with Dina was mind-blowing, she’s not sure how to describe actually having sex with Dina. It’s…earth-shattering? Makes her believe god might be real? Something like that. But so much more. She feels like she’s learning so much about Dina, learning more about what makes her moan, what makes her giggle. Apparently, Dina is ticklish in some very surprising places. Ellie loves the topography of Dina’s body, every curve and bump, every scar and every freckle.

It all just makes Ellie fall that much more in love.

And it makes it a hundred times harder to go home for Christmas. They stay up almost the entire night before Ellie is set to leave, hands wandering and lips exploring. Snow is falling gently outside, illuminated by the streetlamps.

Dina’s breathing evens out, and Ellie stares up at her, wiping her hand on the sheets.

“That was good,” Dina says, “really good.” She pats Ellie’s stomach and takes a deep breath. “Good job. Well played.” Ellie laughs, watching Dina re-do her ponytail.

“Gets better every time?” Ellie teases her. Dina rolls her eyes, climbing off of Ellie’s hips and lying down beside her.

“Shut up,” Dina says. She turns on her side, leaning over and kissing Ellie. It’s brief, but deep, Dina’s tongue sliding against Ellie’s for just a second.

“I wish I didn’t have to go home tomorrow,” Ellie groans, chasing Dina’s lips and capturing them again.

“I know,” Dina says. “If only we could stay here, holed up in my bedroom like a couple of sex-fiends.” Ellie rolls her eyes and flicks Dina’s forehead.

“Fuck off,” Ellie laughs. “You’re such a dick.”

Dina hums, and traces her finger along the subtle lines of Ellie’s abdomen, the ridges of her ribcage. “I bet Joel is excited to see you.”

“Don’t talk about Joel while we’re naked, please,” Ellie shudders, sticking her tongue out.

“Oh, should I get dressed, then?” Dina teases her, making to stand up. Ellie grabs her arm and tugs her back down, their skin colliding and laughter mingling. They fall back into each other, lips pressing and teeth scraping. Dina kisses down Ellie’s neck, purposefully breathing in her ear to tickle her, something Ellie hates. Ellie squirms, but Dina holds her down. “Nice try,” she whispers into Ellie’s ear.

“Come home with me,” Ellie blurts out. Dina pulls back from her work on Ellie’s neck, staring down at her.

“Come home with you?” She asks. “Like, to Joel’s?”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, self-consciously wiping her palms on the sheets, “for Christmas.”

“Ellie,” Dina starts, “that sounds really nice – “

“I get it,” Ellie cuts her off, “sorry, it was a stupid idea.”

“No, it wasn’t stupid – “

“You have your own family to go home to, I totally get it.”

Dina sighs, putting her hand over Ellie’s mouth. “You know what I love about you?” Ellie raises her eyebrow in question. “How you let me finish my sentences.” She gives Ellie a warning look, and Ellie raises her hands in surrender. Dina moves her hand from Ellie’s mouth, wiping it on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” Ellie apologises, looking thoroughly chastised.

“Thank you,” Dina says. “As I was saying, that sounds really lovely. If you’d asked me a couple of weeks ago, that would have been great. I just, I made plans back home with some friends. And I should really get home, my sister and my mom need breaks from looking after each other.” She leans down and kisses the corner of Ellie’s mouth. “But thank you. I really wish I could. I don’t want to stop spending time with you, even for a day.”

Ellie smiles, but she feels embarrassed. It was dumb of her to think Dina would want to come. She shouldn’t have asked.

“I get it,” she says, trying to keep the disappointment she feels out of her voice.

Dina narrows her eyes. “I don’t think you do,” she muses. “Ellie, I’m not saying no because I don’t want to go with you. I do, I really wish I could. I just can’t.”

“I know,” Ellie says. She checks the time on the bedside table alarm clock. “We should probably sleep soon, I’ve got a big drive tomorrow.”

“Ellie,” Dina says, her voice firm and her eyes cut with an edge, “listen to me.” Ellie hesitates, but her eyes drift and lock to Dina’s. “I’m not saying no to hurt you. And just because I said no, it doesn’t mean that I like you less, or that we’re going to stop seeing each other.”

Ellie sighs, nodding. “I know,” she says, “I’m sorry. I just…I’m scared that you’re going to go home and realise how you don’t actually like me.”

“Oh,” Dina says, finally sliding out of her position above Ellie, lying beside her. They both stare up at the ceiling. “Ellie, there’s no way that could happen,” Dina says, taking Ellie’s hand in hers and bringing it to her lips. “You’re my favourite person. That won’t change just because we spend two weeks apart.”

Ellie’s voice is shaky. “You’re my favourite person, too.” She turns on her side and guides Dina’s lips to her own, kissing soft and sweet. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“I’m not scared of messes,” Dina mumbles, and Ellie smiles. “But you were right about needing to get some sleep.” Dina reaches down to the foot of the bed, grabbing the duvet and pulling it up over their naked bodies. She shifts around until her back is to Ellie, and she looks over her shoulder. “Get over here and hold me, stupid.”

Ellie’s smile grows, tucking herself against the curve of Dina’s back, kissing her shoulder and sighing happily as Dina positions Ellie’s arm so she’s hugging her. Ellie grins to herself as she cups Dina’s breast in her hand, making Dina squeak and kick her in the shin.

“Just trying to get comfortable,” Ellie says, trying her best to sound innocent. Dina takes her hand off her boob, linking their fingers and holding their hands up to her chin.

“Good _night_ ,” Dina says. Ellie mumbles it back, her eyes already drifting shut.

* * *

Ellie watches Joel sand down the body of a new guitar. She’s sat on the hood of his truck, eating potato chips and swinging her feet around.

“How many guitars does one old man need?” She asks, looking around at the various cuts and types of wood. Half-finished projects litter the garage, tools never in their proper place on the walls. A hammer where the drill once hung, wrenches lined up haphazardly on a workbench surrounded by nails.

“You can never have too many guitars,” Joel says.

“Doubt it,” Ellie mumbles. Joel puts down his sanding block and turns to look at her.

“Who put a snake in your boot?” Joel asks, and Ellie rolls her eyes at him.

“No one,” she says, “I’m not even wearing boots.”

“Try putting that attitude away,” Joel says. “Come on, if you’re just going to sit there and be an asshole, put down those chips and come help me.”

Ellie huffs, wiping her hands off on her jeans. She hops down off the truck and walks over to Joel. He hands her the neck of the guitar and a sanding block.

“Smooth those edges for me,” Joel instructs. Ellie starts sanding, pausing to roll up the sleeves of her flannel shirt. “Gently, don’t change the shape too much.”

“I know,” Ellie says.

“How’s the therapy goin’ for you?” Joel doesn’t look up from the body of the guitar, and Ellie shrugs.

“It’s fine,” she says. “Lots of talking.”

“Hmm,” Joel says, “yeah, they do like to talk. You think it’s been helping?”

“I guess,” Ellie says. “I mean, I’ve had fewer nightmares. I’m still…I’m still having some, though.”

Joel holds out his hand for the neck, and Ellie hands it to him. He gives it a once-over, then asks Ellie to help him glue it to the body. They work quietly together, and Ellie watches how carefully Joel’s hands work, how they’re able to do such delicate work even though they look so large and clumsy.

Joel’s a lot like his hands, Ellie thinks. He looks like a big, tough guy. He’s tall and bearded, with lines across his face and scars on his hands. There’s a significant wall around him, and Ellie knows first-hand how scary and protective Joel can be. But once you get past that, past the appearance and the first impression, Joel is the softest person Ellie’s known. He never hesitates to help people out, always offering a hand and a hot meal. It’s hard to understand how Joel turned out like this, but it gives Ellie hope that maybe…maybe there’s a chance for her too.

“Have you talked to your friends about this?” Joel asks, cutting into Ellie’s drifting thoughts.

“About making guitars?”

“About your past,” Joel says, “smart-ass.” He bumps her with his shoulder, and she smiles.

“Uh, I haven’t,” she says.

“Why not? They seem like good kids.”

Ellie shrugs, fiddling with a screwdriver. “I dunno. I guess I’m just nervous about how they’ll react.” Joel nods, placing the still-drying guitar on a clear section of workbench. Ellie follows him back into the house, and she sits at the kitchen counter. Joel starts brewing a pot of coffee, and Ellie turns down his offer of a cup.

“You know,” Joel says, watching the coffee drip into the pot, “sometimes you gotta take a chance on people.” Ellie plays with her fingers, not looking at Joel. “I mean, shit, look at us.” He laughs and shakes his head. “It took us damn near half a year just to want to sit in the same room as each other.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know you,” Ellie defends, smirking at Joel’s fake offense.

“And you were the _most_ obnoxious fourteen-year-old I have ever had the pleasure of meeting,” Joel teases back. “But look at you now. Now, you’ve grown into the most obnoxious twenty-year-old I’ve ever known.”

Ellie flips him off. “Fuck you,” she laughs.

“I just call ‘em the way I see ‘em.” Joel fills up his mug with coffee, leaning back against the counter. “What I’m tryin’ to say is, as scary as it can be to trust someone…well, some people are worth the risk.” He smiles at Ellie, and Ellie feels her chest fill with affection for the man who took that chance on her, who put up with all kinds of shit, all for her.

“You’re such a sap,” Ellie says, swallowing back the swell of emotions that rises in her throat.

Joel chuckles. “Don’t you go tellin’ anyone that.” He walks over and grips her shoulder. “Don’t be afraid to be yourself.” He squeezes lightly, then he’s gone, probably back into the garage to keep working.

Ellie sighs and heads up the stairs to her room. She shuts the door behind her with her heel, collapsing into her desk chair. Her room is a mess, of course, clothes on the floor and books lying open on the bed. The blue walls are covered in drawings and band posters, a dead cactus sits on the windowsill. She rolls over to the drafting table Joel had built for her when he had learned she loved to draw. It’s a light wood, with masterfully shaped edges and a smooth sliding drawer full of supplies. Ellie flips open her sketchbook and grabs a pencil.

Like every other time she’s gone to draw over this holiday, her pencil seems to draw Dina without any input from Ellie. Dina’s face, her profile as a shadow, just sketches of her eyes over and over again. Full-bodied sketches, drawings of Dina laughing, trying to recall the exact way her eyes crinkle when she smiles. Today, she finds herself trying to replicate the way Dina bites her bottom lip when she’s staring at Ellie with dark eyes.

If anyone ever saw this, they would definitely think Ellie is a stalker.

As she draws, Ellie thinks about what Joel said. About how some people are worth the risk. She trusts Dina, she knows that Dina will at least listen to her tell her story. But at what point will it be too much? Her therapist has also been putting more pressure on her to start talking about this kind of stuff with Dina, reminding her about the different ways intimacy is built.

The sketch is barebones, and Ellie pauses on Dina’s lips. She traces the shape, working her way to figuring out how the skin should pull. A smile dances across Ellie’s lips as she pictures Dina in her mind, that coy spark in her eye when she looks at Ellie before leaning in and kissing her.

“Fuck,” Ellie breathes, shaking herself out of her head. She’s only got a few more days before she heads back to school, and she’s finally reunited with Dina. Then all those hours spent daydreaming will become a reality once again.

* * *

**_February 2016_ **

Ellie got the research assistant position with her physic professor. This means she’s been spending a lot more time on campus this semester, holed up in a lab with a grad student and two other undergrads. There’s lots to do, an endless pile of articles to read and theories to understand. The workload has given Ellie a whole new appreciation for coffee.

It’s late at night, and Ellie finds herself in the lab alone, working on code for a simulation her supervisor wants done. She’s got soft music playing over the speakers in the lab, humming to herself as she checks over the last line she wrote.

Her phone buzzes with a text from Dina.

_let me in, jimmy neutron_

Ellie frowns, looking at the door.

_ur at the lab?_

A knock on the door confirms. Ellie stands up and walks across the room, opening the door a crack. Dina is standing in front of it, her nose and cheeks red still red from her walk outside.

“Hey,” Dina says, holding up a paper bag, “hungry?”

“Um, yeah,” Ellie says, “come on in.” She opens the door wider, letting Dina in. Ellie clears off a section of table for them. Dina pulls out two boxes of Thai take-out, handing one to Ellie.

“Pad Thai, with shrimp,” Dina says, passing Ellie a pair of chopsticks.

“You’re the best,” Ellie says, leaning over and kissing Dina on the cheek.

“I figured you’d be hungry, you’ve been here all day,” Dina says, taking a big bite of her own vermicelli noodles. “It’s the least I can do for my girl on Valentine’s day.”

“Oh, fuck,” Ellie winces and tries her best apologetic smile, “I didn’t even realise.”

Dina laughs. “I know,” she says, “and it’s fine. I’m not crazy about it. I just figured we could at least have dinner together. You’ve been so busy; I’ve just missed you.” Ellie reaches her legs over to Dina’s and links their ankles together.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Ellie says. “Tell you what, let’s eat and then we can head back to my place? I have a bottle of wine, we can have a drink and then I can make everything up to you.”

Dina bites her bottom lip. “I could be down for that. But I think we should stay at my place. More private.” Ellie grins, and she’s never eaten pad Thai so fast in her whole life.

Ellie drives them back to her place, grabbing a change of clothes and the bottle of wine from her closet. The whole drive to Dina’s, Dina has her hand high on Ellie’s thigh, her fingers tapping dangerously close to Ellie being a distracted driver.

They stumble through Dina’s apartment building’s lobby, too busy being distracted by each other’s hands and lips to care if anyone sees them. Ellie presses Dina into the elevator wall, their tongues sliding against each other, Dina clutching desperately to Ellie’s jacket, trying her best to bring her closer.

The next morning, the wine bottle is still unopened by the front door, clothes strewn about the small apartment. Light streams in through the bedroom window, waking the two young women as it slashes across their eyes. Dina reaches over and tugs the curtains shut, flopping back onto the mattress and sighing contentedly.

“My hips are sore,” Dina says, twisting to try and stretch. Ellie cracks an eye open and feels the hot pit in stomach start to burn at the way Dina’s body curves up, backlit by the slits of sunlight.

“Here, I can help with that,” Ellie says, rolling over and hungrily attaching her lips to Dina’s neck. Her hand slides down Dina’s stomach and through coarse hair, finding warmth and groaning as Dina lifts her hips into Ellie’s touch.

“This is how they got sore in the first place,” Dina says, breathy and high-pitched.

“Hair of the dog, babe” Ellie mumbles, kissing across Dina’s shoulder and down to her breast.

“ _Ellie_ ,” Dina gasps, “Ellie, we have to get up,” she trembles against Ellie’s touch, “we have classes, and we need to – _fuck_.”

“That’s what we’re doing,” Ellie says, her grin positively salacious.

“Do it faster,” Dina says, the sarcasm in her voice lost as Ellie does just that. It doesn’t take long before Dina is falling apart around Ellie, clawing at Ellie’s shoulders and muffling noises in her neck. Ellie only stops when Dina finally stills, her face flushed and her breathing heavy.

“What was that about going to classes?” Ellie asks, withdrawing her hand slowly and smirking at the way Dina whimpers.

“You’re so annoying.” Dina stretches her arms up and Ellie admires the shape of Dina’s toned muscles.

“I don’t think annoyed is necessarily how you’re feeling,” Ellie says. Dina punches her shoulder. Laughing, Ellie stands up and pulls on a pair of sweatpants she keeps at Dina’s. “C’mon, make me breakfast.” She wanders out into the other room, grabbing her t-shirt off the back of the couch.

“Way to ruin the view,” Dina says as she emerges from the bedroom. She’s got the stolen sweater of Ellie’s on; her legs bare aside from a pair of boyshort underwear. Ellie’s desire flares up again, watching Dina walk to the kitchen. She follows like she’s under a spell, her arms wrapping around Dina’s waist, holding her to her chest.

Ellie kisses Dina’s neck, sighing happily into the collar of the sweater. “I can’t stop touching you,” Ellie breathes. She feels Dina press back against her, and Ellie slides her hands down Dina’s front.

“Ellie,” Dina says, “my body needs a bit longer before you get back into it.” Dina turns in her arms, guiding Ellie to lean against the counter. “It’s your turn.” As Dina slides her hand into Ellie’s pants, Ellie swears she hears angels singing and sees rainbows burst across the fucking sky.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping it fluffy! Just lots of good gay content here. You're all so unbelievably kind with your comments, I'm so honoured that so many of you are identifying with this story and finding something you need within it. 
> 
> Thank you again, and I'll see you next time.


	8. March - April 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, please tell me you’re going to sing to me,” Dina says, her grin wicked and her eyes sparkling. 
> 
> Ellie groans. “Do I have to?”
> 
> Dina taps her finger against her chin, pondering the question. Ellie rolls her eyes. 
> 
> “Yeah, you do,” Dina decides, biting her lip briefly. “My birthday, my rules.”

**_March 2016_ **

March comes as it always does; roaring like a lion, sharp winds and heavy sleet, biting into everyone it hits. Ellie leans into it, embracing the harsh end of winter. By the third week, true to the old saying, March becomes like a lamb on its journey out. The sleet turns to cold rain, the days grow lighter and longer, and the breeze carries a whisper of warmth through the air.

Jesse and Ellie start their outdoor climbing again, trying to fit sessions in between studying. They buy a bottle of whiskey on a Friday night, sitting on a fence in the cold night air and passing it between them. The whiskey warms them from the inside out, right down to their toes and the tips of their fingers. Conversation flows as easy as the liquor, and Ellie feels grateful with every bone in her body for Jesse.

“You got something on your mind?” He asks, and Ellie takes a sip.

“Kind of,” Ellie says, passing the bottle to him and fumbling in her pocket for her less-frequently-used carton of cigarettes. She pulls one out and brings it to her lips, inhaling as she lights it. The smoke billows like Ellie’s a chimney, thick and easy to see in the frigid temperature.

“You wanna talk about it?” Jesse takes a sip and watches the smoke form shapes in the air before them.

“It’s about Dina,” Ellie says, “is that too awkward?”

Jesse shrugs, taking another sip. “I don’t think so. Is it awkward for you?”

“I don’t know,” Ellie sighs, coughing slightly as some smoke gets caught in her throat.

“It’s about her birthday, isn’t it?” Jesse laughs at Ellie’s surprised expression. “I know her birthday is coming up, man, and I know you well enough to know that you’re probably freaking out about it.”

“Fuck you,” Ellie groans. Jesse laughs again, smug, and Ellie leans over to bump her shoulder against him.

“Listen, you want my help or not?” Jesse offers her the bottle, and she takes a long pull.

“Fine,” Ellie says, wiping a bit of whiskey that escaped her lips with the back of her hand. “I just…I can’t decide if she’s serious when she says she doesn’t care what we do. I thought normal people cared about shit like that.”

“And Dina seems ‘normal’ to you?” Jesse chuckles at that, and Ellie takes a grumpy drag of her cigarette. “Look, all you gotta know about Dina is that…she just wants to feel loved. She likes to be seen, so show her that you see her, alright?”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Ellie exclaims, choking on the exhale. “Fuck.”

Jesse snatches the bottle back and eyes it, staring down the neck. “It means just spend time with her. Do something nice for her. It’s not hard, she really does just want to spend time with you. Shit, that’s all she wanted last year, too, it was just put more subtly.” Ellie watches Jesse take a drink, and her eyebrows knit together.

“Are you okay?” Ellie asks. Jesse looks at her briefly, then down at his boots. “C’mon, man. If I have to talk about my feelings, so do you.”

Jesse takes a deep breath and exhales quickly through his mouth, his cheeks puffing slightly. “It’s dumb,” he mumbles, and Ellie waits for him to continue. “I just…I’m thinking of dropping out.”

“Shit,” Ellie says, “really?”

“Yeah,” Jesse sighs. “I know I’ve only got a year left, but…I just don’t know what I’m going to do after this is all done. I’m getting a degree in law, that’s like…well, I just don’t know that I want to be _in_ law.” He picks at a loose thread on his knee. “I just don’t know, man.”

Ellie looks at the burning end of her cigarette. “I’d miss you,” she says, “if you left. I’d miss having you around.” She takes a drag and holds it, thinking of how to put her next words together. “I think,” she blows the smoke out, “I think you gotta do what’s right for you. Maybe even just take a year off, I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Jesse says. “Hey, don’t tell anyone, alright?”

“Who’m I gonna tell?” Ellie asks. “You’re my only friend.”

Jesse rolls his eyes. “Not true,” he says, “but I meant like, don’t tell Dina. She’ll just get all involved, and I really want to figure this out for myself. Cool?”

“Cool,” Ellie nods. Jesse pats her on the shoulder and hops down from the fence. Ellie follows suit, and they walk down the street, silhouetted by flickering lamps.

* * *

A week later when Dina comes home at the end of the day, Ellie is standing proudly at the table, candles lit and a definite hint of smoke in the air. Ellie gestures at the spread on the table, and she watches Dina’s face light up.

“Happy birthday!” Ellie exclaims, and Dina laughs. “Dinner is served, my dear.” The fake British accent is terrible, but it widens Dina’s smile and that makes it all worth it.

“You cooked?” Dina asks, hanging up her coat and walking over to inspect the food on the table.

“Well, yes,” Ellie says, “and no. I _tried_ to cook something, but it came out all burnt and crispy. So, I ordered take out. But like, nice takeout. Four-dollar-sign rated for price.” Dina laughs again, taking Ellie’s face between her hands and pulling her in for a kiss.

“This is very sweet,” Dina says, kissing Ellie again. “Thank you.” She punctuates her gratitude with a kiss to the tip of Ellie’s nose. Ellie’s face scrunches up at that, but her smile is toothy and probably a little bit goofy.

Ellie pulls out a chair, and Dina sits down with only a few jokes about butlers and Ellie being her lady-in-waiting. Sitting down across the table, Ellie pours wine into both their glasses and dishes up the food.

“Long day?” Ellie asks, picking away at the salad on her plate.

“Mhm,” Dina says, holding her hand in front of her mouth as she finishes chewing. “Yeah, three classes and then I had to go to the library and hunt down a bunch of reference books that _haven’t_ been digitized yet. I have that huge developmental psychology paper due in two weeks.”

“And you’re already starting it? Keener.” For that, Dina flicks a cherry tomato at Ellie, hitting her square in the face.

“Asshole,” Dina says.

The dinner is way tastier than anything Ellie could have cooked, and she’s kind of thankful that she burned her attempt and didn’t have to run the risk of possibly poisoning Dina on her birthday. Ellie clears the table and tells Dina to sit on the couch and relax, which is something Dina seems happy to do. The dishes get piled up in the sink, and Ellie fetches the only remaining piece of Ellie-cooked food from the fridge. She lights the candles with a flick of her lighter, and the misshapen cake is carried out to Dina.

“Oh, please tell me you’re going to sing to me,” Dina says, her grin wicked and her eyes sparkling.

Ellie groans. “Do I have to?”

Dina taps her finger against her chin, pondering the question. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, you do,” Dina decides, biting her lip briefly. “My birthday, my rules.”

“Fine,” Ellie huffs. She clears her throat and starts singing, avoiding too much eye contact. As she reaches the end of the song, she puts the cake down in front of Dina, and she sits beside her on the couch. “Make a wish, right?”

Dina smiles, kissing Ellie’s shoulder. “Right.” She leans forward and looks into the flames of the four candles. “And you’re sure this is safe to eat?”

Ellie hits Dina’s thigh with the back of her hand. “Shut up and blow out your candles.”

“Hmm,” Dina purses her lips. Then she takes a dramatic breath and blows out the candles.

“What did you wish for?” Ellie asks, passing Dina a fork. They both dig into the cake, the frosting a bit lumpy and the cake somehow _too_ moist.

“If I tell you, it won’t come true,” Dina says. Ellie rolls her eyes, putting her fork down on the plate.

“You should’ve wished that this cake would be edible,” Ellie says, sticking her tongue out and trying not to gag.

Dina looks at the piece she’s about to put in her mouth, then seems to think twice, setting it back down. “It’s the thought that counts, babe.” Dina shifts to put her legs on Ellie’s lap, scooting closer until she’s got her arms around Ellie’s neck. “Thank you for trying.”

Ellie blushes, her lips twitching into a bashful smile. “Of course.” Dina leans in and kisses her, but pulls away quickly as she goes to slip her tongue in Ellie’s mouth.

“Ew,” Dina says, starting to laugh, “how much baking powder did you put in there?” She tries to hold back her laughter, but she can’t help it. “Oh my _god_ , Ellie,” she stands up and walks to the kitchen, running the tap and rinsing out her mouth. Ellie follows suit, and Dina is still chuckling softly once Ellie’s done.

“Fuck you,” Ellie says. The wry grin she’s got is giving away that she really isn’t mad at all, but Dina rubs her arms consolingly.

“You’re great at so many other things,” she says, “don’t worry. I won’t hold one poisoning attempt against you.” Ellie snorts, and Dina kisses her, leading them back to the couch. They collapse onto it, Ellie holding herself up above Dina. They kiss languidly, like they’ve got all the time in the world. Laboured breathing fills the little space left between them, the sound of whimpered moans the only thing they hear.

“I love you.”

Ellie pauses. Did she say that? No. Who said that? Ellie pulls back from Dina and looks at her, brow furrowed.

“Did you say something?” Ellie asks.

Dina raises and eyebrow, looking as confused as Ellie feels. “No?”

“Did I say something?”

“No,” Dina says slowly, “are you okay?” She pushes herself up onto her elbows, their noses brushing slightly.

“I swear I heard someone,” Ellie frowns. She shakes her head, trying to get back in the moment. She shuts her eyes for a second, and when she opens them again, Dina is grinning her most devious grin. “Fuck you!”

Dina bursts into laughter, and Ellie sits up. Dina follows, draping her arms around Ellie’s neck and trying to pull her back down.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Dina says through her laughter, “I’m sorry. Here, come here.” Ellie huffs, but relents, letting Dina climb onto her lap and gently play with the hair at the back of her head.

“You’re such an asshole,” Ellie groans, and Dina nods.

“I know.” She leans in and kisses the hinge of Ellie’s jaw. “I couldn’t resist.” She kisses the other side of Ellie’s jaw, then her chin. “You should’ve seen your face.” She kisses Ellie’s forehead, her left and right cheeks.

“Don’t say shit you don’t mean,” Ellie grumbles. That gives Dina pause, and Ellie watches her face morph from playful to concerned.

“Ellie,” Dina says, her voice soft and careful, “I meant it.”

Ellie finds Dina’s eyes and looks into them. “You…you did?”

“Of course,” Dina says, running her fingers through Ellie’s hair. “I love you, Ellie.”

Ellie feels emotion swell in her chest and fill her up until she feels it start to water her eyes. “I love you, too.” Her voice feels weak, and she’s thankful that, if Dina can see the tears in her eyes, she ignores them and instead pulls Ellie in for a kiss.

Kissing is way better when you’re both in love. It’s deep and full, and Ellie feels it all the way down to her toes. Her body is on fire, her heart is soaring, and every other dumb cliché that you can possibly think of is coming true.

They pull apart to breathe, and with their foreheads pressed together, Ellie thinks it feels like the first breath of fresh air in the springtime.

* * *

**_April 2016_ **

It’s pouring rain. In fact, it’s been pouring rain for the entire day, and Ellie’s pretty fuckin’ sick of it. Her shoes haven’t dried since she ran across the parking lot from her car to the science building, and they make a squelching sound every time she gets up from her desk. The collar of her shirt is damp, her jeans are damp, she’s just _damp_. And it’s disgusting.

She’s standing at the doors leading to the parking lot, damp hoodie on and hood up. The rain is pounding down on the pavement outside, and Ellie wraps her arms protectively around her backpack. With a bracing breath, she pushes the doors open and sprints across the parking lot. Her feet splash in puddles, kicking water up her legs.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she chants as she makes the mad dash across the lot. She reaches her car, and struggles to get the key in the lock. It finally clicks open, and she nearly drops her backpack as she pulls the door open, sliding in and slamming it shut behind her.

Her phone buzzes in her back pocket. With a grunt, Ellie lifts her hips and fumbles to slide it out of her damp jeans. It’s Dina, and Ellie opens it with a smile.

_do you love me enough to give me a ride home?_

Ellie types back an affirmative answer, starting the engine (which takes a minute to sputter to life), and adjusts the heat, trying to balance out the fogging windows and the chill she has. Dina replies with what building she’s in, and Ellie pulls out of her spot.

She drives to the other side of campus and sees a familiar figure standing under the awning of the athletics centre. Dina’s got her gym bag with her, and Ellie reaches across the car to unlock the passenger side door.

Dina slides into the seat, tossing her things into the back seat. She leans across the console and kisses Ellie, quick and full. “You’re my hero.”

“I know,” Ellie says, smiling as she heads to the route off campus.

“You look wet,” Dina says, tugging on the soaked through sleeve of Ellie’s sweater.

“I thought it would stop raining,” Ellie says with a shrug.

“Didn’t bother checking the weather?”

Ellie shrugs, non-committal. Dina laughs and takes the hand that Ellie offers her. Lips press to Ellie’s knuckles, and she feels warmth creep up her neck. Dina turns on the radio, tuning it to a local pop station. It’s forty percent music, sixty percent ads, and they recite the ads along with the radio.

“Zero percent financing!” Dina showboats with an overdramatic announcer’s voice. “You better believe it! Nobody deals,” she takes a big breath and belts out, “like Dilawri!”

“That was…passionate,” Ellie comments. Dina laughs, tapping her thumb against Ellie’s hand to the beat of the song that comes on. “You’re in a good mood.”

“I got an A on my developmental psych paper,” Dina says, brushing imaginary lint off her shoulder, “no big deal.”

“That’s awesome!” Ellie says. “All that hard work really payed off.” She lets go of Dina’s hand as she makes a turn onto Dina’s street.

“Babe, your phone is going off,” Dina says, grabbing it from the centre console cupholder. “It’s Tommy. Do you want me to answer it?”

“Sure, thanks,” Ellie says, pulling up to a stop sign.

“Hello?” Dina answers the call. “No, it’s Dina. Yeah, hi, Tommy, how’re you?” Ellie glances over at Dina as she drives through the intersection, closing down the few hundred meters to Dina’s building. “Oh…oh my god.” Dina’s face drops immediately, and Ellie’s knuckles tighten on the steering wheel, her heart starting to race. “Yeah, of course. Thanks for calling. Okay. Take care.”

“What happened?” Ellie demands as soon as the phone is hung up. She can feel it deep in her gut, the fear and the instinctual feeling that something is horribly wrong.

“Park,” Dina says, and Ellie doesn’t like the way Dina intently stares out the windshield. She obliges, her hands shaking as she puts the car in park. “Give me your keys.”

“What?” Ellie turns the car off and pulls the keys out, holding onto them.

“Ellie,” Dina finally looks over at her, her eyes brimming with tears, “give me your keys.”

* * *

The drive to Colorado is long, and quiet. Dina doesn’t try to turn any music on, and after Ellie finally falls asleep in the passenger seat, she keeps the car quiet. The rain gave way to a clear night as they left the mountains, and Dina is thankful for the quiet roads and gentle night. Ellie sleeps restlessly, curled up in the seat like a small child. Dina loves these moments, where Ellie’s guard is completely down.

They had packed quickly, every one of Ellie’s movements agitated and her energy frenetic. Dina had never seen her like that, and honestly? It was scary. Not in a, ‘I’m scared of Ellie way’, but in the same way it’s scary to see a teacher cry, or a friend stand too close to the edge of cliff. Ellie’s hands had been shaking like crazy, and Dina had watched from the doorway as she struggled with the zipper of her duffel bag, eventually cursing it out and kicking the bottom of her desk in frustration. Dina had stepped in then, gently easing the zipper closed and handing it off, following her girlfriend back to the car. Ellie hadn’t tried to convince Dina to let her drive, just climbing in the passenger side and staring out the window as they left town.

The gas gauge is low, and Dina drives another half-hour until she spots a gas station, its sign the brightest thing in sight. She eases the car to a stop, trying not to wake Ellie. The other girl stirs anyways, and Dina reaches over and tucks a strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear.

“Hey, you,” Dina says softly. “Just gassing up.”

“Oh,” Ellie says, blinking against the fluorescent lights above the pumps. “My wallet is in my bag, hold on.” Dina puts her hand over Ellie’s and shakes her head.

“Don’t worry about it,” she says, gently rubbing her thumb back and forth on the smooth skin of Ellie’s hand. “Do you need anything? I’m going to grab a coffee.”

“You don’t like coffee,” Ellie reminds her.

“I don’t think I get to be picky when I’m driving at night.” Dina grabs her wallet from the backseat and leans across the centre console, bringing their lips together in a chaste kiss. “Water? Are you hungry?”

“I’m fine,” Ellie says, offering up a half-hearted smile. “I’ll get you the coffee.” Dina goes to argue, but Ellie squeezes her knee. “Dina. I’m getting you a coffee.”

“Okay,” Dina submits, and she gets out of the car. “Lots of sugar, please!” Ellie gives her a thumbs up and heads into the small convenience store. Dina starts filling up the tank, the hair on her arms raising in the cold air. It’s still early enough in spring that the nights drop near freezing, and she regrets not putting her jacket on before getting out of the car.

She watches Ellie through the window of the store. The taller girl’s back is turned to Dina as she uses the instant coffee machine. Her posture is all slumped, head down and shoulders forward. She hands the clerk a handful of bills, a paper cup in on hand and a small bag in the other.

The pump clunks to a stop, and Dina pulls the nozzle out of the car. She grabs the receipt and gets back into the car, stuffing the paper into the glove box. Ellie joins her as she’s settling back into her seat.

“I got you a French vanilla flavoured coffee,” Ellie says, “although I have no idea what that means. It smells nice and sweet, though.” Dina takes it and sniffs the vapours coming out of the small hole in the lid.

“Smells good,” she says, “thanks.”

“I, uh,” Ellie holds out the small bag, “got you a muffin, in case you’re hungry.” Dina takes that as well, putting it in her lap and giving Ellie a grateful smile. “It might be shit, I doubt there’s much high-quality baking goin’ on in that store.”

Dina smirks. “Can’t be worse than that birthday cake you made me.”

“Fuck you,” Ellie says with a small chuckle, “you gonna bring that up all the time now?”

“Of course,” Dina says, putting as much ‘duh’ attitude into her tone as she can. “Now, seatbelt on. We still have another three hours to go.”

“You sure you’re okay to keep driving?” Ellie asks, but she’s putting her seatbelt on as she says it.

“I’m good,” Dina reassures her. “Try to get some more sleep, if you can.” Ellie rolls her eyes, and Dina pulls the car back onto the road.

“You can turn the radio on,” Ellie says, “I don’t mind.”

“I doubt we’d get much service.” Dina squints against the lights of a passing truck, her heart beating a little faster in her chest until it’s in her mirrors.

“Can you…can you tell me again what Tommy said?”

Dina looks over at her, and Ellie’s eyes are wide. She looks younger, her face lit only by the faint streetlamps they fly under. “Ellie,” Dina sighs.

“Please.” Ellie wrings her hands together, and Dina stares out the windshield, biting her lip.

“He said that Joel was in the hospital,” Dina recites, “that he’d been out on his current contract at the Wisemann’s place? And he collapsed. He was in surgery when Tommy called, and he wasn’t sure when he’d be out.” Dina glances over, seeing Ellie’s head leaning back against the headrest, her eyes fixed on the roof. “Tommy said they thought it was a…a heart attack, or something.”

Ellie inhales, heavy and stuttered. The exhale is slow and broken up, her eyes fluttering closed. “Fuck.”

“Hey,” Dina reaches a hand over, the other tightening its grip on the wheel, “he’ll be okay.” Her hand lands on Ellie’s thigh, gently squeezing.

“You don’t know that,” Ellie mumbles. Dina pulls her hand back and grabs the wheel.

“No,” she says with a shrug, “I guess I don’t. But I have to believe it.” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ellie wipe at her cheeks with the sleeve of her flannel shirt. Dina’s heart aches for her, for the woman she loves and for the pain she’s going through. She wants to wrap Ellie up in her arms and hold her, pass on every bit of optimism that Dina has right into Ellie’s soul.

“You’ll let me know when we’re close?” Ellie’s voice is rough with unshed tears, and Dina nods.

“Of course,” she says. Ellie sniffs and pulls her shirt around her like a blanket, pulling her legs onto the seat and turning her head to the window. Dina takes her own steadying breath and watches the road disappear under the car.

* * *

They get to the hospital at two in the morning. Ellie grabs her backpack and lets Dina drop her off at the entrance. Dina says to go ahead, she’ll find parking, and Ellie doesn’t hesitate. Her stomach is full of lead, and the smell of hospital assaults her senses as she steps through the glass doors. There’s a man sitting at the desk, the lobby void of other people. Ellie wipes her nose on her sleeve, her footsteps echoing around the tall room as she approaches the desk.

“Uh, hello,” she says, and the man looks up from the book he’s reading.

“Hello,” he says, “how can I help you?”

Ellie swallows, her throat dry and her voice getting stuck somewhere on its way out. She clears her throat and grips the straps of her backpack. “I’m…my…I’m looking for someone. Joel, Joel Miller?”

“Miller,” the man wakes up the computer in front of him and starts typing. “Miller…ah. He’s still in surgery. You can head up to the surgical floor, those elevators right there will take you right to the waiting area.”

“Okay,” Ellie says, looking over her shoulder at the silver elevator doors. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” The man grabs his book again, and starts reading it. Ellie rolls her eyes and walks across the lobby to the elevators, pushing the ‘up’ button. There’s a big sign that tells her the surgical floor is the fourth floor, and she hits that button once the elevator opens up. Quiet music plays as the big metal box rises. Ellie sees her reflection in the mirrored walls, and she cringes at how tired and wild she looks. It’s a hard combination to pull off, but it’s right there in her eyes, puffy from crying and sleeping, but wide awake with worry.

The doors open with a ding, a female voice announcing the floor. Ellie steps out into another quiet lobby, this one smaller and slightly more populated. There are a few nurses at a central desk, and a smattering of people in the waiting chairs. Ellie scans the room, and she feels a bit of the weight lift off her chest as she spots Tommy and Maria. Quietly, trying to avoid drawing any attention to herself, she strides past the strangers until she reaches them.

“Hi.” She stands in front of them and Maria rises up, pulling her into a hug. Ellie’s arms hang uselessly at her side, breathing in the familiar smell that clings to Maria’s skin. It’s something akin to baby powder.

“Hey there,” Tommy says, taking over the hug when Maria lets her go. Ellie weakly raises a hand to touch Tommy’s back, and she wishes he would let go. They aren’t huggers, that’s never been a thing they do, and it feels weird to do it now.

“Have you guys heard anything?” Ellie says, sitting across from them, resting her bag at her feet.

“We uh, we’ve been updated a few times,” Tommy says, leaning forward on his knees and clasping his hands together. “It’s complicated. He’s got…aw hell, what did they call it…”

“A non-ST myocardial infarction,” Maria supplies, “but he arrested when they were bringing him to surgery. They’re working hard, Ellie. They’re doing everything they can.”

“Non-ST?” Ellie’s brow furrows, and she grips her left-hand fingers with her right.

“It means his artery wasn’t completely blocked,” Tommy says, “which is good news.”

“But his heart stopped,” Ellie says, staring at the tiled floor, “that’s pretty fuckin’ bad, from what I know.”

“Let’s all take a deep breath,” Maria suggests, “we don’t know much right now, there’s no use worrying ourselves until we know what we’re dealing with.”

Ellie nods, but her head is racing with worst-case scenarios. She settles back into the chair, watching the doors at the far end of the room that stand under a big sign that says SURGERY in big red letters.

“Come on, Joel,” she whispers to herself, “don’t you dare leave me behind.”

They sit in silence, only breaking it when Dina shows up half an hour later with a box of doughnuts in hand. Ellie realises she still hasn’t actually told Tommy or Maria about her and Dina, but she can’t bring herself to gather the energy. If they notice how caring Dina’s touch is on Ellie’s arm, they don’t say anything.

Maybe they can’t find the energy to notice.

It takes another hour for a short woman in a surgical gown to come and find them.

“Miller family?” She asks, and Tommy stands, shaking her hand. Ellie gets to her feet with him, staring intensely at the doctor.

“Yeah,” Tommy says, “I mean, yes, we are.”

Ellie wonders if his heart is beating as fast as hers is. She feels it in her head, in her toes.

“I’m Dr. Sengupta,” she says. “The surgery was very hard, but Mr. Miller is alive.” Ellie feels the fear and worry rush out of her system, and her knees nearly buckle beneath her. Tommy’s hand clasps Ellie’s shoulder, and she thinks he might be using her for physical support. She steadies herself and her hands clench into fists.

“Oh, thank god,” Tommy says. “Thank you, thank you so much.” Maria stands beside him, and Ellie watches Dr. Sengupta carefully.

“What is it?” Ellie asks. The doctor isn’t smiling, and Ellie feels an invisible fist wrap its fingers around her heart. “What happened?”

“I’m afraid we had to take extraordinary measures,” Dr. Sengupta says. “For now, Mr. Miller has been placed in a medically induced coma to allow his body time to recover.”

“A coma?” Tommy’s eyebrows knit together and his grips tightens on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Medically induced,” Dr. Sengupta reminds him. “There’s the possibility that we will need to operate again in the next few days. For the time being, it’s safest to keep Mr. Miller in this state. Open heart surgery is extremely taxing on the body, and he would likely be in a great amount of pain.”

“Can we see him?” Ellie asks.

“I’m afraid there is a two-visitor maximum for the ICU,” Dr. Sengupta says, “family only.”

“You two go ahead,” Maria says, rubbing Tommy’s back and giving Ellie a watery-eyed smile. “Dina and I will go grab some food.”

Ellie grabs her bag and looks at Dina. For the first time, she sees how tired Dina looks, dark bags under her eyes, barely being held open. Her hair is pulled into a bun, but there are flyaways everywhere, and she stifles a yawn in her elbow.

“Actually,” Ellie turns to Maria, “could you take Dina to Joel’s and get her settled in my room? She drove all night.”

“I’m fine,” Dina says, standing up and swaying slightly on the spot. Ellie steadies her with a hand on her back.

“You’re exhausted,” she says, soft, and she steps closer to Dina, linking their fingers together. “I’ll be okay, you need to rest. You’ve already done so much for me. Please.”

Dina smiles at her, and sighs. “Fine,” she relents, “but only because you asked so nicely.” Ellie tries to smile at the little joke, but her face doesn’t seem to want to make that happen. Instead, she pulls Dina into a hug, holding her tightly and inhaling the smell of coconut shampoo, Dina’s nose pressing into the hollow between Ellie’s neck and shoulder.

“Thank you,” Ellie mumbles into Dina’s hair. She feels Dina press a kiss into her collarbone before they step apart.

“Leave the truck for us,” Tommy says, “take Ellie’s car back to Joel’s.” Maria nods, leaning into Tommy and leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“You two just call me if you need anything, alright?” Maria says, gathering her purse from the end table beside her.

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees, and Tommy nods with her.

“Alright then,” Maria sighs, “let’s go, Dina.” Dina nods and shoulders her own backpack, giving Ellie one more smile before turning and following Maria through the lobby. Ellie watches her for a second, and then she’s following Tommy and Dr. Sengupta through a set of wooden double doors.

The hallway is windowless, the beige tiling on the floor and the off-white walls painting a pretty bleak impression of hospital décor. There are a few pictures on the walls, stock images and things you might find on the walls of a motel, with scattered medical equipment. Doors line the hall, mostly closed. At the end of the hall, there are some sliding glass doors under a sign that indicates they’re entering the ICU. They all sanitise their hands before they enter, and Dr. Sengupta leads them to the third door on the left.

“Brace yourselves,” she says, “it can be a shock to see a loved one like this.”

“A shock?” Tommy looks at Ellie, and Ellie really hopes he isn’t thinking of trying to stop her from going in that room.

“Mr. Miller is currently hooked up to a ventilator,” Dr. Sengupta explains, “which we will hopefully remove within the next twenty-four hours. There will also be an IV, a heart monitor, and an EEG machine. That’s a lot of wires, and if you’re not prepared for that, you should take a moment out here, before entering the room.”

Ellie presses her lips together and looks at Tommy, who runs a hand down his face and takes a deep breath. “We’re good,” she says, “right, Tommy?”

“Right,” he says, “we’re good.” The doctor nods and opens the door for them. Together, they step into the room.

The heart monitor is beeping steadily, and Ellie takes a sharp breath when she sees Joel.

Her first thought is that he looks small. Surrounded by all the machines, the wires, the tubes…he looks small. There’s a Darth Vader-looking thing on his face, which she assumes is the ventilator. It makes a mechanical clicking as it pumps oxygen into Joel’s chest, and Ellie watches it rise and fall. Slowly, quietly, as if she’s scared to wake him, Ellie approaches the hospital bed.

“Can I…can we touch him?” She asks.

“Of course,” the doctor says. “I’ll leave you for now. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to use the call button.” Ellie looks where she’s pointing at a big red button beside the bed.

“Thank you,” Tommy says, but his eyes are fixed on his brother, “thank you for everything.”

The door shuts quietly as Dr. Sengupta leaves the room, and Ellie drops her bag onto one of the chairs that sits empty next to the bed. Hesitantly, she reaches out and touches Joel’s hand. Across the bed, Tommy pulls a chair up and sits right next to Joel, his hand covering his mouth as he takes in the sight before him.

“My god,” he breathes.

“This is so fucked up,” Ellie mutters. Tommy laughs wryly at that, averting his gaze to the steady pulse on the heart monitor. Ellie grabs a chair from behind her, and drags it over to the bed. She sits down and folds her arms on the edge of the bed, resting her chin on her wrists.

“I’m real glad you’re here, Ellie,” Tommy says, and it’s so quiet that Ellie almost misses it.

She nods slightly, and locks eyes with Tommy over Joel’s steadily moving chest. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A doozy, a real doozy. I took my time with this, and I hope it paid off. Disclaimer, I'm not a doctor so I really drew hard on like three articles and a lot of Grey's anatomy for the medical stuff. I guarantee it's not accurate, but hey, it's fanFICTION not fan-AmericanJournalofMedicine. 
> 
> Please trust me when I say it will all be okay - no mutiny against me please! I just feel like it's an interesting and necessary exploration of relationships and character development to have this happen. 
> 
> I also hope Dina's brief little POV was alright - my grip on her voice isn't as strong as I'd like it to be, but I'm going to be including it a bit more as we move forward if you guys like it. 
> 
> Thank you all for your kind words - I will be updating a bit slower as I finish up my term and take a bit of a brain break, but I promise this is not going to be abandoned. 
> 
> Shameless self-plug, I'm doing a very thorough playthrough of TLOU2 on twitch at the moment, with irregular streaming hours and honestly, lots of dying. I'm real bad at shooting things. Currently, I'm still on Seattle Day 1, just after escaping the school. My name is also breezered on twitch, and I'm also on tumblr under the same name if anyone wants to follow that hot mess of memes. 
> 
> Bonus points if anyone recognises that radio ad. 
> 
> Well, that was long-winded. Take care of yourselves, and I'll see you in the next one!


	9. April - May 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie huffs and sinks further into her seat, pushing her damp hair back from her face. “I was kind of an asshole to your wife.” 
> 
> “I’m sure she won’t take it personal,” Tommy reassures, “besides, it ain’t the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.”

**_April 2016_ **

Dina wakes up in an unfamiliar room to a familiar face. Ellie is sitting on the edge of the bed, her hand resting warm on Dina’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Dina says, eyes bleary.

“Hey, babe,” Ellie says, and the smile she manages to give looks like it weighs a thousand pounds. “Maria’s making some lunch.”

“Okay,” Dina sits up slowly, looking around the room.

“Uh, this is my room,” Ellie says, and Dina can tell she’s feeling self-conscious as Dina scans the art on the walls, and the sparse furnishings.

“I can see that,” Dina teases. Ellie gives her a small eye-roll, and Dina stifles a yawn against Ellie’s shoulder. “It’s cute,” she continues, “that you have all your own art up. Very humble.”

“I know good art when I make it,” Ellie says, and Dina smiles at the teasing edge in Ellie’s voice.

“You mentioned something about lunch?” Dina swings her legs over the side of the bed and pushes herself to her feet. Ellie stays seated as Dina rifles through her bag, grabbing a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt.

“Yeah,” Ellie answers, “Maria’s making something. Tommy stayed with Joel, I’m just here to shower and grab some food, then I’m going back.”

Dina nods, pulling the sweater over her head and holding out her hand to Ellie. “Then let’s go.”

Ellie takes her hand and lets Dina pull her up. She doesn’t let go, instead pulling Dina closer and cupping her jaw as she kisses her. Dina sinks into the sensation of Ellie’s lips on hers, eyes fluttering closed.

“You’ve got gross breath,” Ellie mumbles as they break the kiss.

“No one forced you to kiss me,” Dina replies at the same volume. Ellie shrugs, and Dina smiles at the way the other girl’s green eyes won’t meet hers. “I can’t help that I’m so irresistible.”

“Jesus,” Ellie breathes, pretending to be exasperated with Dina. “C’mon. You say crazy things when you’re hungry.”

Ellie leads as they go downstairs. Maria’s got something cooking in the kitchen, and Dina inhales deeply, her stomach growling at the smell of food cooking. She follows Ellie into the kitchen, admiring the big island in the middle of the room and the way the afternoon sun filters in through the windows, gleaming off the countertops. Dina sits at the island, her feet dangling off the high chair.

“How are you doing, Dina?” Maria asks over her shoulder as she stands at the stove.

“Still a bit groggy,” Dina admits, watching Ellie pour a glass of water. “Did you get any sleep?”

“I took a quick cat-nap,” Maria says.

“Maria, can you throw some of that in a container? I’m going to head back to the hospital, and Tommy probably needs something to eat.” Ellie puts a plastic container next to the stove before handing the glass of water to Dina.

“You sure you wouldn’t rather eat here?”

Dina watches as Ellie shakes her head, and she gets the feeling Ellie isn’t planning on eating it at all. 

“Babe, maybe you should take a shower or something before you head back?” The pet name slips out without Dina realizing, and her eyes dart over to Maria. The older woman doesn’t show any signs of surprise, or noticing it at all, and when Dina looks over at Ellie, it doesn’t seem like Ellie has really registered it either.

“I don’t want to be gone too long,” Ellie says.

“Okay,” Dina says, unsure of her place in all of this. She wants to make sure Ellie is taking care of herself, but she doesn’t know where the line is. How far can she push, how much does she need to let Ellie handle this on her own?

“Ellie, you smell like a locker room,” Maria admonishes, “take a damn shower.” Dina hides a smirk in a sip of water.

“I’m fuckin’ fine,” Ellie snaps. Dina’s smirk drops, and she watches Ellie retreat from the kitchen.

“Check the attitude at the door,” Maria calls after her.

The front door slams shut, and Dina exhales slowly. “Fuck.”

Maria places a bowl in front of Dina, the chili steaming and wafting into Dina’s nostrils. The older woman sits in the seat next to Dina, and they start to eat in silence. The food is very tasty, and it warms Dina up from the inside out. It’s the kind of meal that feels like a hug, homey and caring.

“This is delicious,” Dina says, and Maria smiles at her.

“I’ll give you the recipe,” she says. “Normally, Ellie can’t get enough of it.”

“She’s having a tough day,” Dina excuses.

“We’re all having a tough day,” Maria sighs. “That was really kind of you, driving Ellie all the way out here. I know it means a lot to all of us that you care so much about her.”

“Of course,” Dina says, her smile small and soft, “I’d do anything for her.”

Maria smiles at that, reaching an arm out and rubbing Dina’s back for a second. They hear the front door open again, and Dina turns to see Ellie kick off her shoes and head up the stairs. The smell of tobacco wafts down the hall, a smell she hasn’t noticed around Ellie in a while.

“I’m having a fucking shower,” Ellie yells from the top of the stairs. A door slams shut, and the sound of the water being turned on runs through the walls.

“Is this what Ellie was like as a teenager?” Dina asks, carrying her bowl to the sink and rinsing it out.

“Oh, she was a handful,” Maria says, her voice carrying that hint of nostalgia and fondness that all caregivers hold for their loved ones. “Of course, she and Joel traveled for most of those years, but we would see them every few months and, whew,” Maria lets out a breath, “I can’t say I envied Joel.”

“They traveled?” Dina leans her elbows on the island.

“Oh, all over the world.” Maria dishes out some chili into the waiting container. “Ellie didn’t fit in at schools, she was too wild. They claimed she was just too…much. So, Joel took it on himself, taking her all over the world. She completed high school on airplanes and trains.”

“Really?” Dina can’t believe what she’s hearing. It’s a whole new batch of information on Ellie, information that has never been willingly offered up. “She doesn’t talk about it much.” _Or ever._

Maria nods, like this is expected. “Ellie doesn’t talk about anything much, unless she’s giving cheek or cursing.”

“Why wouldn’t she tell me?” Dina mumbles to herself, her heart sinking at the thought that maybe Ellie doesn’t trust her the way she thought she did.

Then again, it’s not like Dina has been totally open with Ellie about the entirety of her past.

_Love is a two-way street,_ she hears her mother’s voice in her head, and Dina has to resist the urge to groan and roll her eyes. Count on her mom to make her opinion known even when she’s not around.

“There’s a bunch of photo albums in the living room,” Maria says, “you should take a look. They did some truly incredible things.”

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Ellie is completely aware of when she’s being a dickhead. She knows it, she’s aware of it, but she can’t seem to stop herself. After she had showered, she’d grabbed the container of chili from the counter and said a curt goodbye to Dina and Maria, grabbing the keys to her car and driving back to the hospital. It was a miracle she hadn’t been pulled over at the speed she’d been driving, so at least that was one good thing to happen to her today.

Her feet know the way to the surgical ICU, and she tosses Tommy the container as she walks in the door, the plastic still warm.

“Thanks,” he says, tucking it away under his chair. Ellie nods in acknowledgement, slumping into her own seat and staring at Joel’s face, still masked under the ventilator. “Did you eat anything?”

Ellie shrugs. “I’m not hungry.”

Tommy hums, like he doesn’t believe her, but he doesn’t push it. “A nurse came by while you were gone. Said he’s stable, but they want to see improvement on his blood pressure, I think. Before they remove the ventilator.”

“I don’t understand why he needs one,” Ellie grumbles, “it was heart surgery. I thought comas and ventilators were for brain injuries?”

“Shit, I dunno,” Tommy says, running a hand down his face. “But I do know we have got to trust the doctors.”

Ellie huffs and sinks further into her seat, pushing her damp hair back from her face. “I was kind of an asshole to your wife.”

“I’m sure she won’t take it personal,” Tommy reassures, “besides, it ain’t the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.”

“I’m just…I feel fucking helpless,” Ellie admits, her voice shaking.

“Me too,” Tommy sighs. “Look, it’s no use both of us sittin’ around all day. You should head out, I’m sure you’ve got work to get done. And that girl of yours, I’m sure she’s sitting at Joel’s worrying about you.”

“I’m fine here,” Ellie says, and she gestures at her backpack, “I’ve got what I need.”

“Ellie, c’mon now,” Tommy tries to reason with her, but Ellie glares at him.

“I’m fuckin’ fine,” she snaps.

He doesn’t try to argue anymore, just leans back in his chair and watches as Ellie pulls out her laptop and, with shaky hands, starts pretending to work.

* * *

It’s nearing midnight when Ellie goes home. Tommy had elected to stay the night; he probably knew that the only way Ellie was leaving was if he stuck around to keep an eye on things.

She kicks off her shoes and drops her backpack by the front door. There’s a light on in the living room, and she peers around the doorway.

Dina’s asleep on the couch, a textbook face down on the floor beside her. Ellie sighs, walking over and picking it up. She dog-ears the page and shuts it quietly, placing it carefully on the coffee table. There’s a stack of photo albums on the table as well, and she frowns as she looks at the titles on the spines.

_Southeast Asia 2011, West Africa 2012,_ and _Euro Trip 2013_. Had Dina been looking through these?

It’s been ages since Ellie had given these albums a second glance, and she sits down in the recliner, grabbing the southeast Asia album, flipping through the pages. Photos of her with a monkey on her shoulder and colourful petals in her hair, her smile ear to ear; the elephant sanctuary they visited, the before and after shots of Joel stepping in a big pile of dung. Tons of photos of Ellie at the top of mountains, under waterfalls. As a kid from the wrong side of Boston, she remembers feeling like she’d found heaven on earth.

The final picture makes her smile, suppressing a laugh. It’s Joel, totally passed out on the plane ride back to the United States, Ellie in the foreground and holding the camera out in front of her. She’s got a ridiculous face, grotesque and immature, giving Joel the bunny-ears with her index and middle finger.

Those same fingers trace the picture now, and Ellie takes a shuddering breath. It’s crazy how young she looks, even though it was only five years ago. She’s got the same scar on her eyebrow, the same smattering of freckles on slightly sunburned skin. On the surface, not much seems to have changed.

Joel looks younger too, his hair more brown than grey, and shorter than he has it now. His beard is redder, and there are fewer lines around his eyes. Was it Ellie that aged him? Did he grey too fast, did she cause him all that extra stress?

“Fuck,” Ellie breathes, blinking back a few stray tears.

“El?” Dina’s voice sounds from the couch, thick with sleep. Ellie shuts the album and looks over at her girlfriend who is rising slowly and rolling out her neck.

“Sorry,” Ellie mumbles, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Dina counters, offering a half-smile. Ellie can’t return it, but she does stand up and go to sit beside Dina.

“You found the albums, huh?”

“Maria brought them out, actually,” Dina says.

“Of course she did,” Ellie sighs, shaking her head. Maria has never been all that interested in the boundaries other people set.

“I didn’t know you and Joel had traveled so much,” Dina says, and Ellie twists her hands together in her lap. “All the photos are stunning. And you were a pretty cute little teenager.” She bumps Ellie with her shoulder, and Ellie knows she’s trying to coax a smile, or a laugh, but she can’t manage it. Everything is sitting too heavy on her shoulders.

“Yeah,” she manages, “I guess it was pretty cool.”

Dina’s hand goes to Ellie’s back, slowly rubbing up and down, a touch that Ellie flinches away from. Dina must notice, because she withdraws her hand and sits back in the corner of the couch, giving Ellie space.

“How’s Joel doing?”

Ellie shrugs. “Fine, I guess. Not much change.”

“That’s good,” Dina says, and the way she’s so obviously trying to be gentle and caring is grating on Ellie, making her clench her jaw. The foot of space between them feels like it’s a thousand miles wide, and Ellie can feel two sides of her battling inside, trying to figure out what she wants.

“I’m really tired,” she croaks out, and her throat feels too small for the words. “Um, I can sleep on the couch.”

“Ellie,” Dina starts, and a glance at her confirms to Ellie that her eyes are full of pity, eyebrows turned up and head tilted to the side.

“I’m going to get up early,” Ellie says, trying to give Dina a reason as to why she’s asking for this space, and it’s _bullshit_ because she can’t even figure out why she’s doing it.

“I don’t care,” Dina says, and Ellie sees her arm twitch like she wants to reach out.

“I’ll feel bad, waking you up,” Ellie tries.

“What, so every other morning that we’ve woken up together and you’re up first,” Dina sounds angrier now, “that’s fine, but all of a sudden _now_ you’re worried about waking me up?”

Ellie tugs at her fingers. “I guess so.”

Dina huffs. “Fine. Take the damn couch.” She stands up and Ellie watches her turn the corner and head up the stairs. It feels like the last bit of control over her emotions left with her, and Ellie’s eyes well up with tears, hot and sudden.

“Fuck,” Ellie gasps, leaning forward and pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes, taking shallow breaths to try and calm herself down. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She wipes at her nose with her sleeve, blowing out a shaky breath from her lips. “You’re such a fucking asshole.”

She can hear Dina moving around upstairs, and she looks up at the ceiling. Her heart is screaming at her to go upstairs and apologise, to accept the comfort that she knows Dina is waiting to give. Her body won’t let her move, holding her in place and insisting it’s safer to stay here and cry alone. She hears the tap turn on, the pipes squealing as the water starts to run.

“Come on,” she mutters to herself, and with a mighty effort, she heaves herself up off the couch and starts up the stairs. Every footstep feels like a gargantuan effort, her feet feel like they’re made of stone, but she makes it to the top of the stairs, and she goes to her room, sitting on the edge of the bed. She sniffles a few more times, wiping at her cheeks.

Dina comes in the room, and her eyes lock onto Ellie. Ellie’s sure she’s casting a pathetic figure right now, hunched over and tear-stained. Dina sighs and closes the door quietly, leaning up against it and crossing her arms over her chest.

“Are you done being an asshole?”

Ellie shrugs at that. “I’m trying.” She clears her throat, and takes a breath. “I’m really scared.”

Dina nods, and she walks over to sit beside Ellie, leaving a few inches between them. “I love you,” she says, “and I’m here for you. But you have to _let_ me be here. Okay?”

“I’ll try,” Ellie says, “but I’ll probably fuck it up a few more times.”

“Yeah,” Dina agrees, “probably.” She sighs and Ellie looks up from her feet, searching Dina’s face for a sign, for what she should do next.

“Um,” Ellie swallows nervously, her fingernails digging into her palms, “can I stay here tonight?”

Dina nods and leans over, gently guiding Ellie’s head to turn towards her. She presses their foreheads together, and Ellie can smell the toothpaste on her breath. Ellie’s eyes flutter closed as she tilts her head slightly, leaning in and nudging Dina’s nose with her own. Her skin smells like facewash, and Ellie presses closer, their lips brushing.

“Thank you,” Ellie breathes, and Dina responds with a warm kiss, her lips guiding and gentle. Ellie follows her lead, and the kiss breaks with her, more tears wracking through her. Dina pulls her into her arms, a hand at the back of Ellie’s head that gently scratches her scalp, the other moving slow and steady, up and down her back. Ellie’s hands find purchase in the soft material of Dina’s t-shirt, and her head falls to rest on Dina’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Dina mumbles over and over, “you’re okay.”

At some point, Dina maneuvers them to lie down, Ellie tucking herself into Dina’s side. She feels drained, exhausted, unable to move a muscle. Her eyes drift closed, and she falls into a deep sleep, the sound of Dina’s voice carrying her off.

* * *

A week later, they take Joel in for a second surgery. Ellie spends the entire five-hour wait pacing back and forth in the lobby, tugging on her fingers and fiddling with the sleeves of her flannel shirt. She buttons and unbuttons the cuffs, and she can feel Dina’s eyes on her periodically. Maria and Tommy are taking the opportunity to get some rest, so it’s just the two young women left to wait.

“Ellie,” Dina’s voice cuts through her pacing fervor and Ellie looks at her. She’s got a maroon shirt on, with three buttons that run down from the collar. Her hair is down, a rare occurrence, and it stuns Ellie for a moment. She looks so simplistically beautiful.

“Yeah?” Ellie’s voice is raw, her stress clear.

“Will you come sit with me? Just for a minute.” Dina is looking at her with expectant eyes, and Ellie relents. She’s trying to work on this, on her hesitation to be vulnerable. If she can’t be vulnerable with Dina, what hope is there for her?

She sits in the seat next to Dina’s, her fingers tapping on the wooden armrest.

“Hey,” Dina says, covering Ellie’s hand with her own and linking their fingers, “why don’t you tell me about one of your favourite trips with Joel?”

“Dina,” Ellie starts complaining, but Dina’s eyes don’t let her get away with it.

“Humour me,” Dina says, “I’ve been reading about neuroscience for way too long.”

Ellie sighs, but she can’t say no. “Uh, one of my favourite trips…” It takes a moment, but then the memory comes and the side of her mouth quirks up into a half-smile. “We spent a few months traveling through Europe, which was really fun. The best part, though, was that Joel took me to the Cité de l’éspace in Toulouse.”

“Yeah?” Dina smiles, and Ellie nods. “That sounds cool. What was it like?”

“It was just full of stuff,” Ellie says, “artefacts, modern science discoveries, old space junk…it was amazing. We’d been to a few other similar museums, but there was just something about this one…I dunno.” Ellie chuckles at what comes back to her next. “Joel bought me some freeze-dried food from the gift shop, just for shits. I think he knew it would be awful, and the fuckin’ asshole let me tear into it.”

“Oh boy,” Dina says, hiding her laughter behind her hand.

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “I threw up pretty quick.”

“That’s disgusting,” Dina says, and Ellie chuckles.

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “but you know what? In solidarity, Joel ate a whole package of strawberry ice cream shit.” Ellie looks at where her and Dina’s hands are clasped together, and she rubs her thumb along the back of Dina’s hand.

“I’m excited to get to know him better,” Dina says, and Ellie nods. Dina leans in and presses a kiss to Ellie’s temple. Ellie’s eyes flutter at the contact, and she squeezes Dina’s hand one more time before she stands up and resumes her pacing.

* * *

**_May 2016_ **

Dina watches as Ellie plucks away at her guitar, humming softly under her breath. The steady beep of the heart monitor is her metronome, the sound of nurses in the hall her backing track.

It’s hard to be in this room, sometimes. There are a few nice flower arrangements, the sunlight breaks through the window; overall, not the worst hospital room Dina’s been in. But all the sights, sounds, and smells, they all remind her too much of the last time she sat in a hospital room like this one.

She thinks Ellie must have forgotten, or can’t find the faculties to remember, but Dina’s been carrying her own trauma every day that they’ve been here. Nearly three weeks now, and she’s starting to feel the weight of it. Every time a doctor’s pager goes off, or there’s an irregular rhythm on the monitor, Dina feels her heart stutter.

There are some things you can forget in life, experiences that fade over time. Watching your father die isn’t one of those things. He hadn’t lasted very long after the accident, his injuries too traumatic, but Dina remembers every second of those three days. She remembers how Talia had spent every spare minute saying prayers, splitting their time between their parents’ rooms. How her mom got better, but lost the ability to walk. How her dad passed in a flurry of white coats and loud alarms. How it broke her sister, and somehow everything fell to Dina to pick up the pieces.

But this, right here, right now; this isn’t about Dina. It’s about Ellie. Dina can focus on that, she can make it her job to make sure that Ellie is okay, that she is getting every bit of support that she needs. Even if it hurts sometimes.

“That sounds nice,” Dina says, and Ellie shrugs, resting her chin on her arm.

“It’s nothing,” she says.

“Still sounds nice,” Dina says, smiling. Ellie’s lips twitch upwards for a second.

“I thought maybe, if I played,” she trails off and rubs her chin on her shoulder. “It’s stupid.”

“You thought he might wake up,” Dina finishes for her. “I think that’s really lovely.” Ellie sighs and strums the open strings, the sound dissonant in the quiet room.

“It’s been nearly two weeks since they removed the ventilator,” Ellie says, “and then another week since they did the last surgery. Why hasn’t he woken up?” Dina watches her knuckles whiten as she grips the neck of the guitar.

“He just needs a little more time,” Dina says, “he’ll wake up.”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, “maybe.”

“Hey,” Dina leans forward and smiles, “remember that night, by the bonfire? Before last summer. You were so pissed I made you come, and then even _more_ pissed when I tried to get you to play.”

Ellie smiles at that, her eyes finding Dina’s. “Then eventually it was just us.”

“Mm,” Dina’s smile widens, “and you played that song for me. The old one.”

Ellie nods, and she slides her capo up the frets. Her fingers find the chords, and her right hand starts plucking. Dina leans her head on her hand, and she stares adoringly as Ellie starts to sing.

“We’re talkin’ away,” Ellie sings, her voice hardly audible, “I don’t know what,” her fingers stumble for a second as the chord changes, but she keeps going, “I’m to say, I’ll say it anyway...”

Dina watches and can’t help the smile that rests on her lips. Ellie loses herself in the music, and it’s beautiful to watch. Her eyes drift shut, then they focus on her fretting hand, and sometimes they’ll meet Dina’s. That never lasts too long, and Dina bites her lip every time Ellie’s cheeks flush as they make eye contact.

She’s really fucking cute.

The song ends, and Ellie rests her arm across the top of the guitar’s body.

“You should’ve kissed me then,” Dina says, and Ellie drops her chin to rest on her arm.

“I wanted to.” She smiles at Dina, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Leaning around the guitar, Dina kisses Ellie’s cheek.

“Aren’t you lucky,” she teases, and Ellie rolls her eyes. “Dreams really can come true, huh?”

“You’re so annoying,” Ellie groans, but she turns her head to capture Dina’s lips with her own, a heavy breath let out through her nose when Dina’s tongue slips between her lips for a second.

“Do you mind?”

Dina’s hand jumps to her chest, and Ellie shoots to her feet, nearly dropping the guitar.

“Joel?” Ellie rushes to his bedside, guitar in one hand as the other reaches and takes Joel’s.

“Can’t get a minute’s peace around here,” Joel mumbles, his voice scratchy and weak from disuse.

“Oh my god,” Ellie looks over at Dina, and Dina stands, taking the guitar from Ellie and setting it down. Ellie’s got the full deer-in-headlights look, and Dina reaches over and presses the call button. “Fuck, fuck, you’re _awake_.”

“Keep it down,” Joel says, wincing against the volume of Ellie’s excitement.

“Shit, right,” Ellie slams her mouth shut.

Dina rolls her eyes, and the nurse comes in. Ellie refuses to step back, so the nurse has to work around her. It’s probably nothing new, but Dina feels bad as Ellie stands her ground and the nurse is basically in her armpit to check Joel’s levels.

“I’ll get the doctor in as soon as she’s available,” the nurse says, giving Ellie a tight smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Miller.”

“Pleasure is all mine,” Joel drawls. Ellie helps him tilt the bed up so he’s a little more upright, and Dina thinks it’s cute how Joel smacks her hands away from trying to rearrange the blankets, Ellie fussing like a mother hen.

“Ellie,” Dina steps in and puts her hand on Ellie’s shoulder, “give him some space.”

“He just took the world’s longest nap,” Ellie huffs, stepping back nonetheless, “he doesn’t need space.”

“I actually wouldn’t mind some water,” Joel pipes in, and Ellie nods, rushing out of the doors.

Dina raises an eyebrow at the man in the bed. “You know there’s water on the table, right?” Joel smirks and Dina pours some into a plastic cup, popping the waiting straw into it.

“She needed something to do,” he says, and Dina helps him hold the straw to his lips. “Thank you, Dina.” He takes a long drink, draining the glass and exhaling heavily.

“It’s good to see you,” Dina says, putting the cup down.

Joel smiles, small and quiet. “Sorry to keep everyone waiting so long.”

Ellie comes flying back into the room with a bottle of water clutched in her hands. “Okay, open up.”

Dina steps in front of her and takes the water, shutting down her protests with a pointed look at the jug of water by the bed. Ellie sees it and turns her gaze to Joel, glaring at him.

“You’re such an asshole!” She flops down in a chair and Dina thinks the grumpy pout on her face is one of the cutest things she’s ever seen. “If you weren’t half-dead, I’d punch you in the face.”

“It’s good to see you, too,” Joel says with a weak chuckle. “Now, c’mon, tell me what I missed.”

“You missed three weeks of being fucking worried in a hospital room,” Ellie grumbles. Dina sits in the chair next to her and snorts. Leave it to Ellie to not wait even five minutes to bring out her snark. Dina puts her hand on Ellie’s arm, trying to imbue her with Dina’s own calm energy.

“Well, clearly I missed somethin’ here,” Joel says, nodding at where Dina’s hand lies. Dina blushes and retracts her hand.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Oh my _god_ ,” she groans, “can you not just be cool for five seconds?”

Dina punches her arm for that. “You’re such a brat.”

“I’m not a brat,” Ellie protests, but the twin looks of ‘come on, man’ from Dina and Joel shut her up. “Fine. Joel, as you may or may not know, I am a certified gold-star lesbian – “

“We’ve been dating for a while,” Dina interrupts Ellie, cutting her off before she can really get going on the probably long and very extra rant Dina knows she has up her sleeve. “Right now, it’s hard to remember _why_ I’m still around.” Dina teases Ellie with a scrunched-up nose, and Joel laughs at that.

“Bless your heart for stickin’ around,” Joel chuckles. “Speakin’ of, where the hell is Tommy?”

“Oh shit,” Ellie mumbles, fumbling for her phone and Dina shakes her head as Ellie taps out a message to Tommy.

As they wait for the doctor, Ellie and Joel bantering back and forth, Dina feels unexpectedly sad. It’s hard to admit, it’s hard to recognize this side of human emotion, but she’s kind of angry. She’s not angry that Joel is better, _god_ , she’s fucking ecstatic, but…

“Um,” Dina stands abruptly, “I have to go to the bathroom.” She slides by Ellie, and through the door. Down the hall, through the ICU doors to the nearest stairwell. She jogs down the steps to the exit, stepping outside into the late afternoon sun.

With a heavy sigh, she leans back against the brick wall, closing her eyes with her head tilted to the sky. Taking deep breaths, Dina sinks down until she’s sitting on the dirty pavement, her legs bent at the knee.

“Dina?”

She cracks her eyes open and sees Ellie standing in front of her, eyes wide with concern.

“Hey, sorry,” Dina clears her throat, going to stand up, “I just…I needed some air.”

Ellie steps forward and puts her hand on Dina’s shoulder, sitting down beside her. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dina says.

“Right, because running out of a hospital is totally normal ‘things are going great’ behaviour,” Ellie says, and Dina side-eyes her.

“You’re really sassy today,” she comments, and Elli shrugs.

“You love it,” she says, and Dina scrunches up her nose.

“Do I?”

Ellie bumps their shoulders together and puts her hand on Dina’s knee. “What’s going on with you?”

Dina shakes her head. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Ellie says, “that’s okay.” She scoots closer and wraps her arm around Dina’s shoulders, drawing her in close and kissing the top of her head. Dina leans into the touch, breathing in the familiar smell of Ellie’s skin.

“I miss my dad,” Dina says, and Ellie’s arms tighten around her. Tears fall softly and quietly from Dina’s eyes. Her body doesn’t shake, she doesn’t gasp for air, but the tears fall and soak into the well-worn fabric of Ellie’s shirt.

Ellie doesn’t say anything, and Dina’s grateful for the way she just sits and holds all of Dina’s sadness. How she doesn’t pry, she doesn’t ask questions. The silence sits with them like an old friend, and Dina lets the burden slide off her shoulders.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly I can't stop writing, no matter how many assignments I need to get done. Your feedback from the last chapter was really great to hear - I told you guys you can trust me! 
> 
> Everyone who joined in the twitch streams and followed on tumblr - thank you! It's fun to know there's people watching me be REAL bad at aiming guns.
> 
> Thank you again for all the kudos and comments, it truly means the world to me to be able to share this story with all of you wonderful people!


	10. August 2016-November 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Trouble in paradise?” Joel asks.
> 
> “I dunno,” Ellie mumbles, “long distance sucks.” Joel makes a sort of grunt, and Ellie can’t tell if he’s agreeing or not.
> 
> “Do you,” he clears his throat, “do y’wanna talk about it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case, there is some mature content in this! If anyone is uncomfortable with that, it's the first section and the last half of the last section.

**_June 2016_ **

“Hey!”

“ _Hey babe. How’s it going?”_

“Not bad. Just sitting around with the invalid and watching old Kung Fu movies.”

“ _That sounds…well, it sounds fun for the two of you._ ”

“Rude. What are you up to?”

“ _Oh, you know. Just lying around my room. Talia took my mom out to the community centre for the bingo night. Home alone. Trying to find something to do_.”

“Why are you saying it like that?"

“ _Saying it like what?”_

“I dunno. You sound weird.”

“ _It’s hot. I’m bored. I thought you could…entertain me.”_

“Hold on, let me just…I’m gonna go upstairs. Joel’s asleep anyways, just let me turn this off…okay, heading upstairs…”

“ _Thanks for narrating all your steps for me, I really appreciate it.”_

“Fuck you.”

“ _Mhm, that would be good.”_

“Jesus…okay, closing the door…and done.”

“ _You ready to try this again?”_

“I can do this. I can do phone sex. It’s like real sex, but less messy. No big deal.”

 _“Yeah, you sound really calm about this._ ”

“Shut up and let me be sexy.”

“ _Okay, sex me up, Ellie.”_

“Well that’s just…that just sounds wrong.

_“Holy shit, this is the slowest foreplay I have ever experienced. Like, any day. I’ll just be here, in my underwear, waiting for my girlfriend to work up the balls to tell me she wants to fuck me.”_

“Jesus Christ, Dina!”

“ _How red is your face right now?”_

 _“_ Stop laughing, oh my god.”

“ _Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop._ ”

“Thank you. Ahem, now. You ready for this?”

_“…yup.”_

“Can you sound a little more excited?”

“ _Oh, Ellie, talk dirty to me. I can’t stand another minute of waiting._ ”

“This is where, if we were in person, I’d just pin you down and kiss you to shut you up.”

“ _Works for me. Why do you think I’m always such an ass?”_

“I figured it was just your nature.”

“ _Hmm. Maybe. Tell me more about pinning me down._ ”

“Right, well, I’d do it. And kiss you and…stuff.”

_“I love stuff. What kind of stuff?”_

“Really…sexy…stuff…yeah.”

“ _Like, hand stuff? Hand-on-boob stuff?”_

“I mean, yeah. That sounds good. I like your boobs.”

“ _Mhm, they like you too. I’m touching them now.”_

“Uh huh.”

“ _Did your brain just short-circuit?”_

“Nope. Um, no. Just…deep breath, and…yeah. So, you’re touching your boobs?”

“ _Yeah. Feels good, but I’d rather have your hands here.”_

“Fuck. Yeah, me too. I…um, I’d probably move my mouth down your neck. Leave some hickies, that spot by your collarbone that makes you shiver.”

“ _Mm, sounds good.”_

“And then I’d get to your…your boob, whichever one. Use my teeth a little, hand on the other boob.”

_“What next?”_

“I’d switch it up, even things out. Then I’d…slide my hand down and press against your…uh, your clit. Let you grind on it. And when you start giving me shit about really touching you, I’d get my fingers wet from you, and focus more intense attention on your clit, until you were pressing up and asking me to fuck you.”

_“Fuck, Ellie. Keep going, shit.”_

“Are you doing it?”

“ _Yeah, yeah I’m doing it.”_

“Fuck, okay. Okay. I’d fuck you, slow at first, two fingers. Then I’d get faster, working you up as high as you can get. I’d kiss all over your chest, maybe lock onto a nipple. Fuck, I wish I was actually there touching you. Jesus, Dina, I can hear you and how wet you are, how fast you’re breathing.”

“ _Speaker phone, keep talking._ ”

“I just love how you feel around me, how hot it is and how you dig your nails into my back. I’d pull out soon, moving back to your clit and finding that angle you like, rubbing and pressing and not stopping until you came.”

“ _Fuck, fuck.”_

“Fuck, yeah, I love how your body moves and the pitch of your voice and…oh, fuck. Yeah, that’s the pitch.”

“ _Fucking fuck.”_

“Agreed.”

“ _Okay, that was way better than last time. Did you do some fuckin’ research or something?_ ”

“I just…ignored how awkward I felt.”

“ _Well, fuck, please ignore that every time._ ”

“Will do. Are you entertained, then?”

“ _Mhm. I sure am. But now I’m feeling like you might be in need of entertainment._ ”

“Okay, but if I hear so much as a creak from downstairs, I’m hanging up on you.”

_“Fair enough. Now, take off your shirt and listen up.”_

* * *

**_September 2016_ **

“Hey.”

“ _Hey. You okay?”_

“Yeah. Well…no. I mean, yeah. No.”

“ _What’s going on, Ellie?_ ”

“I just…I’m bummed. I know it was my choice to stay home and help Joel out until he’s back at work, but…I miss you _so_ much. I miss being at school. I feel like such an asshole, but I just…I miss it.”

“ _That’s okay. It’s okay to miss things. Especially me. You have to miss me, otherwise I’ll be really pissed off at you._ ”

“Noted. I’ll keep pretending to miss you.”

“ _Asshole._ ”

“I know it’s late but…can you just talk to me?”

“ _Yeah, of course. Let’s see. I saw Jesse flirting with some chick today. She was pretty, way too pretty for him. But he looked happy.”_

“Gross."

_“Again: asshole. Hmm, what else. Oh, the little produce store is now selling frozen prepared dumplings! I’ve eaten way too many of them. Pretty sure I’ll dream about dumplings tonight.”_

“That sounds fuckin’ delicious.”

_“It really is. Talia’s actually coming to visit in a few weeks, did I tell you that ealier? Anyways, she decided she could come down for a few days. I’m trying to think of some fun, Talia-friendly activities. Maybe the mining museum?”_

“I don’t know Talia very well, but if that’s her kind of thing…big yikes.”

“ _How do you know that’s not my kind of thing?”_

“I don’t. But I can really hope.”

 _“I’ll never say. Have fun living in uncertainty for the rest of your life._ ”

“Now who’s the asshole?”

“ _Still you. How are the online classes going?”_

“Pretty good. It’s kind of boring, but I’m glad I was able to enroll.”

“ _And you had the interview at the bookstore today?_ ”

“Yeah. Not sure how it went, but I’m hopeful.”

“ _Good. They’d be idiots not to hire you._ ”

“You gonna beat them up for me if they don’t?”

“ _Of course, baby. Anything for you.”_

“You’re ridiculous.”

* * *

Ellie looks up from her notebook as Joel comes into the kitchen. He offers her a small nod of the head as a greeting. She watches him walk the usual route to the coffee maker, where he stares at it and sighs audibly.

“You still doing that?” Ellie asks, pausing the pre-recorded class she’s watching.

“Doin’ what?” He turns, his face the picture of false innocence.

“Having a little episode while staring longingly at your coffee maker,” Ellie says, giving said-appliance a pointed look.

“I’m sure I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about,” Joel says, his lips twitching into a small smile beneath his beard. He comes and sits beside her at the counter, peering at her notebook. “Looks complicated.”

“Yeah, it’s physics,” Ellie says, shrugging her shoulders.

“You findin’ all this okay?” Joel asks, gesturing vaguely at her laptop.

“It’s fine.” Ellie taps her pencil against the countertop, the quiet ticking the only noise in the kitchen. “How are you feeling today?”

“Tired,” Joel says, “but not too bad.”

Ellie’s phone goes off with a text, Dina’s name popping up on the screen. She turns the screen off, flipping the phone face down on the counter.

“Trouble in paradise?” Joel asks, and Ellie stares down at the notes in front of her, chicken-scratch penmanship and complicated equations staring back at her.

“I dunno,” Ellie mumbles, “long distance sucks.” Joel makes a sort of grunt, and Ellie can’t tell if he’s agreeing or not.

“Do you,” he clears his throat, “do y’wanna talk about it?” It’s so mumbly and quiet that Ellie thinks she can probably get away with pretending not to have heard him and save them both the embarrassment, but something inside her pulls words from her throat before she can stop them.

“I just…I feel like maybe she’s,” Ellie takes a deep breath, “maybe she’s just not like…into me, anymore.” Saying that out loud seems to start a cascade of words, just falling from her lips like leaves in autumn. “We don’t talk on the phone so much anymore, and when we do it’s short and almost awkward. Like, we don’t have anything to say. Everything she’s doing is so removed from me, and vice versa.”

“That does sound tough,” Joel mumbles. Ellie hardly pays him any mind.

“I just feel like…I feel like maybe she’s bored of me? Or she wants someone who’s there?” She takes a heavy breath and drops the pencil on the counter and runs her hands down her face. “I feel like I’m letting her down.”

Joel’s large hand lands gently on her shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Hate to say it, but maybe you should talk to _her_ about this.”

Ellie groans, dropping her head on the counter. “God _damn_ it.”

* * *

**_October 2016_ **

“Good morning.”

“ _Mhm. Mm.”_

“You not awake yet?”

“ _Meh. Shh.”_

“You wanted me to call you before I went to work, so you should be super happy to hear from me.”

“ _I am. Yup. Talk to me.”_

“Well, Joel went for his check-up yesterday. Doctor said everything looks good, but he’ll have to go back every six months or so and get checked out just in case.”

“ _That’s good, that’s really good.”_

“I can hear you yawning.”

_“Nope. That was uh, that was the ghost.”_

_“_ The ghost?”

“ _Yup. New roommate is a ghost. Doesn’t pay rent, but it does keep more evil spirits at bay.”_

“Okay, weirdo. You’re just…you should go back to sleep.”

“ _But I miss you. I want to hear your voice.”_

“I miss you, too. How about, I’ll keep talking until you fall back asleep? It’s barely seven.”

_“Mhm. Do that.”_

“Alright. Well, I had a dream about a platypus…”

* * *

**_November 2016_ **

Ellie is woken up by a soft pair of lips pressing against her own. She sighs into the kiss, pressing upwards from under the thick pile of blankets she has tucked around her.

Then her brain kicks in and she pulls back, wondering who the _fuck_ is kissing her.

Her eyes crack open against dim dawn light, and she sees Dina’s smirking face.

“What the fuck…?”

Dina smiles and flops down on top of her, snuggling into her chest. “Good to see you, too.”

Ellie’s arms react slowly, sort of drooping around Dina and resting her hands between sharp shoulder blades. Coconut shampoo assaults her olfactory senses, and her hands makes stiff fists in the material of Dina’s sweater.

“What’s…you’re…”

“Shh,” Dina says, pressing soft kisses into the skin that lies exposed above the stretched collar of Ellie’s sleepshirt. “Go back to sleep. I’m fuckin’ exhausted.”

“But,” Ellie is in sleepy shock, her brain seeming to run five miles behind her body, which has turned and pulled Dina in close, “you’re _here._ ”

“I know,” Dina says, “it’s kind of crazy, huh?”

“Totally,” Ellie sighs, burying her nose in Dina’s neck and shifting until Dina is holding her. Almost in perfect synchronization, their breathing evens out and the two girls fall asleep together.

When they wake up a few hours later, Ellie can hardly contain how excitedly surprised she is. There’s an hour where they lay together, hands roaming quietly and hearts beating like thunder. Eventually, they manage to drag themselves apart long enough for Dina to shower while Ellie cooks a (now typical in this house) low-fat breakfast. Joel comes down, acting all innocent like it wasn’t him who had schemed with Dina to get her here. Ellie’s too happy to call him out, serving breakfast with a smile and sitting right next to Dina at the kitchen table, their legs hooked together.

Joel retreats to his workshop, and Ellie drags Dina to the living room to lie together on the couch. Being back together makes all the months of worry, of awkwardness, of uncertainty, go away. The conversation flows like wine at a Christmas party, their lips meeting in every short moment of silence.

“I missed you so much,” Ellie says against Dina’s lips.

Dina tangles her fingers in Ellie’s hair. “I missed you more.”

“We’re one of those gross, super-clingy couples now, aren’t we?” The last few words are lost to Dina’s tongue, and Ellie whimpers against the heavy warmth.

“Fuck it,” Dina sighs, “I don’t care, I just want to be with you.”

* * *

Tommy and Maria show up the next day, and that’s the only signal that tips Ellie off to the fact that it’s Thanksgiving. It’s not a holiday she’s ever paid much attention to, but she leans into it this year. It feels like she has a thousand things to be thankful for this year.

Dina helps Tommy and Maria in the kitchen, and Ellie watches from the doorway as Dina laughs and jokes with the two, happily chopping onions and boiling cranberries. Joel is having a rest upstairs, at Ellie’s insistence at him to keep his routine.

“El, come help me with these potatoes,” Dina says, catching her eye and waving her over with a knife. Ellie pushes off the doorframe, walking over and letting Dina position her in front of a cutting board. “Make sure they’re all the same size, okay?”

“Sure,” Ellie shrugs.

“You sure that’s a smart idea?” Tommy asks, grinning at Ellie as she flips him off.

“I have faith she can at least get these _somewhat_ even,” Dina teases, and Ellie rolls her eyes. Dina grabs her glass of wine and leans up against the counter beside Ellie. “Impress me.”

Ellie grabs the knife and starts cutting. It’s impossibly hard to keep her attention on the starchy vegetables with Dina’s heavy gaze. There’s a part of Ellie that thinks she can actually feel the weight of it, the unmasked desire and love. She chances many glances at Dina, catching dark eyes with her own, greedily drinking in the dilated pupils and how Dina bites her bottom lip.

Until she feels a sharp pain in her finger, and sees a pool of red start to form on the cutting board.

“Fuck, Ellie,” Dina says, putting her glass down and pushing off the counter. Her fingers close around Ellie’s wrist, pulling her over to the sink, and running her injured finger under warm water.

“Gross,” Ellie mutters as the blood washes down the drain.

“Where are the band-aids?” Dina asks. 

“Bathroom,” Ellie says. Together they walk to the bathroom, Ellie pointing out where the first-aid kit is kept. Dina tenderly wraps a band-aid around the cut, placing a tender kiss on it and smiling at Ellie.

“Better?”

Ellie nods and slides her uninjured hand along Dina’s jaw and into her hair. They kiss sweetly, Dina’s hands resting against the top of Ellie’s chest.

Dina hums as they pull apart, content. “I love you,” she sighs, “like, a lot.”

“Me too,” Ellie mumbles, pressing their lips together again, turning them to press Dina against the sink. The kiss heats up quickly, both girls trying to be as quiet as possible, mindful of Tommy and Maria only two rooms away.

Dina’s hands slide over the tops of Ellie’s shoulders, pressing her ever closer. Hips press together, tongues slip against each other, and Ellie feels the familiar heavy heat deep in her stomach, or her gut, or whatever. Dina is pressing her body against her with a fervour, and Ellie can’t seem to get close enough. Their lips come apart, Dina tilting her head back and opening her neck up for Ellie to attach her lips, biting and sucking until a small red mark is left on the soft skin.

“The potatoes,” Dina breathes as Ellie pops open the buttons of Dina’s shirt.

“Fuck the potatoes,” Ellie growls, bending over and pressing kisses to the skin above the cup of Dina’s bra. Her hands press and squeeze, and Dina arches into the touch.

“They’re clearly going to notice.” Dina tries to sound serious, to sound stern, but Ellie ignores it in favour of listening to the high pitched tone of Dina’s voice, listening to the cues Dina’s body gives her.

“Do you want me to stop?” She folds down Dina’s bra, exposing darker skin and flattening her tongue against her.

“Fuck no,” Dina gasps, “but…fuck, Ellie, fuck…we can’t just…we can’t fuck in the _bathroom_.”

Ellie pulls back and presses her forehead to Dina’s. Dina is panting out heavy breaths, her breast still exposed. Ellie’s hand slips up to it, almost against her will. “If you want to stop, I’ll stop.”

“It has nothing to do with want, believe me,” Dina says, breathy and pressing up into Ellie’s touch. “If I was gonna get what I want, that would be you naked and underneath me.”

Ellie chuckles, unfolding Dina’s bra and buttoning her shirt back up. “That can be arranged.”

Dina half-heartedly smacks Ellie’s shoulder, leaning up and pressing a lingering kiss to her lips. “Come on, Casanova,” she says with a laugh, “we’ve got potatoes to cook and a turkey to baste.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took an actual break this time. I headed out to the wilderness after finishing up my program, and it was great. I'm back on the internet now, and I'll be back on twitch/tumblr/this now. Thank you all so much for you words of encouragement, your well-wishes, and of course all your enthusiasm for this story! I'm still trucking on, this is just a fluffy filler to tide you over while I work on the more serious stuff.
> 
> I'm also now working and planning out an 80's AU for these two, and it will involve more TLOU2 characters and such. Been listening to tons of 80's music to get into the mood, and it's going to be really fun. I hope I will be able to entertain with it! If anyone wants to see some insight into my brain for this, come send me an ask on Tumblr or leave a comment here and I'll reply with a few bullet points - you can get specific with requests too, I've been for real planning haha.
> 
> Again, one thousand thank you's to all of you, and I'll see you next time!


	11. November 2016 - December 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina tastes like bitter dark chocolate, and Ellie slips her tongue into Dina’s mouth. She can feel Dina’s hands on her abdomen through the hoodie she’s wearing, pushing her against the door. Ellie runs the tip of her tongue on the roof of Dina’s mouth, and they break apart for air.
> 
> “Happy Hanukkah,” Ellie mumbles.

**_November 2016_ **

The night before Dina’s set to leave, they lay together in Ellie’s bed and just stare at each other. It feels cheesy, it feels like a hundred clichés, but Ellie can’t take her eyes off of the woman before her. She has a hand gently cupping Dina’s jaw, her fingers scratching softly at the back of Dina’s neck.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dina says, her words barely a whisper between them. Ellie shuffles closer, as if there’s any space left between them to cover.

Their lips brush, foreheads resting together. “You stole my line,” Ellie mumbles, Dina’s breath warm and sweet. Dina hums, tilting her head up to take Ellie’s bottom lip between her own, nipping at it lightly.

“I don’t want to go,” Dina says. “I hate being so far from you.”

Ellie kisses her, languid and longing. “Then don’t go.” Ellie’s fingers tangle in the loose hair at the back of Dina’s head, pressing her closer. “Stay. I don’t want you to leave.”

“Ellie,” Dina sighs, her hand sliding up Ellie’s shoulder blades and shutting her eyes, “oh, Ellie.” Ellie hears the break in Dina’s voice. She kisses her again, urgent, trying to quell the tears she senses in Dina, and the ones she knows will threaten to fall from her own eyes. Ellie rolls them, hovering over Dina and pressing down.

“Don’t cry,” Ellie pleads between kisses. Dina nods, but Ellie can feel the tremble of Dina’s bottom lip against hers. “Baby, hey, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry,” Dina breathes, and Ellie falls to the side, pulling Dina into her arms and taking her own shaky breath as Dina tucks under Ellie’s chin. She can feel warm, wet tears against her neck. She rubs Dina’s back, repeated rhythmic movements up and down.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Ellie says, pressing her lips to Dina’s head.

“It’s not you,” Dina says between quiet sobs, “it’s just…everything.” Ellie holds her close until the crying subsides and Dina leans back. Ellie passes her a tissue from the bedside table, waiting as Dina blows her nose and gathers herself.

“Better?” Ellie asks, gently thumbing at Dina’s cheekbone, picking up any excess tears.

“With you, always,” Dina answers. They exchange weak smiles, and Dina flops onto her back. “Fuck, why is this so hard?”

“I think it’s good,” Ellie says, “that it’s hard, I mean. It’s hard because it matters.” Dina turns her head and looks at Ellie, their eyes meeting.

“You’re such a romantic,” Dina says, and Ellie blushes. “And you’re right.” She tilts her chin up, inviting Ellie to press a kiss to her lips; an invitation Ellie gladly accepts.

“I want to share everything with you,” Ellie breathes the words against Dina’s lips, and Dina takes them in with another kiss, tugging Ellie closer until she can tangle their legs together.

“Are you sure you can’t come back with me?” Dina asks, the sides of their noses pressing together.

“Joel needs me.” Ellie feels like they’ve had this conversation every day that Dina’s been here. They had a small fight about it when they were in the middle of the cereal aisle a couple of days ago, Ellie storming off with a box of _Cap’n Crunch_ she’d grabbed in the heat of the argument.

“Okay,” Dina says, “I know.” She rubs Ellie’s arm, and Ellie focuses in on the soft skin of Dina’s palm.

“Should we sleep?” Ellie asks, pressing four light kisses to Dina’s lips.

“Sure, babe,” Dina says, returning with her own kiss, and Ellie feels every ounce of love that Dina puts behind it. They pull apart slowly, breathing together. Dina turns over in Ellie’s arms, fitting their bodies together. Ellie revels in the feeling of Dina’s curves tucking into her own, the smell of her hair.

“I love how we fit,” Ellie mumbles into the back of Dina’s neck. Dina responds by wiggling her ass against Ellie’s hips, and Ellie smirks, sliding her hand down the outline of Dina’s side, resting on her hip and squeezing lightly.

“Go to sleep,” Dina says, grabbing Ellie’s hand and pulling it up under her chin. Ellie pulls Dina closer to cover the inch of space between them.

* * *

_She’s in the alleyway again. It’s nothing new, it’s a familiar dreamscape. It’s raining, as it always is; Ellie can feel the water running down the back of her neck and into her t-shirt. She stands in the middle of the alleyway, looking around. The gun is heavy in her hand, and she holds it up. Her body moves without any input from her mind._

_A figure appears at the end of the alley, outlined by a faint yellow light. Ellie’s heart kicks into high gear, and she clicks off the safety._

_“Don’t come any closer,” Ellie shouts, her voice bouncing off the brick walls. “I’ll shoot you if you come any fucking closer!”_

_The figure doesn’t answer, just continues to loom in the distance. It looks like it’s getting closer, but it doesn’t look like it’s moving._

_“Ellie, get down!”_

_Ellie looks to her left and sees Riley standing beside her, holding out her own gun. Riley pulls Ellie down behind a dumpster. Gun shots sound around them. Riley fires shots around the corner of the dumpster._

_“Cover me, okay?” Riley says. Ellie looks at the gun, and at Riley, and she feels dread like a stone in her gut._

_“Riley, you can’t go out there,” Ellie says. Riley doesn’t seem to hear her, running out from behind the dumpster as the gunfire takes a pause. Ellie’s body moves her to the edge of the dumpster and she fires shots around the corner. The gun is loud, and her eardrums feel like bursting._

_She knows what’s coming next, and she wants to scream out for Riley to get to cover. Nothing leaves her mouth._

_She hears the approach of heavy footsteps and she takes off down the alley, head ducked and feet scrabbling on the wet pavement. Her lungs burn, and the alley seems to stretch forever._

_Her feet hit something heavy, tripping up. She slams down on the ground, scrambling backwards on her hands and rear._

_She opens her eyes and prepares herself for what she knows she’ll see, the lifeless eyes of her best friend staring back at her._

_That’s not what she sees this time._

_This time, Riley is replaced by Joel. He stares at her with blank eyes, blood running down from a hole in his temple._

_“No,” Ellie croaks, “no, Joel, fuck, get up!” She grips his shoulders, shaking his lifeless body. Warm blood coats her hands, and she can’t tell where it’s coming from anymore, and it soaks into the knees of her jeans where she kneels on the pavement._

_She hears sirens, and she’s frozen in place, red and blue lights bouncing around her._

_“Joel, fucking get up!” Ellie’s voice is lost in the noise, but she keeps on screaming, yelling until her surroundings fade and all she can see is Joel, lifeless and bloody and –_

Ellie wakes up with a start. Her heart is kicking her ribcage, sweat coating her body.

Dina is still asleep, and Ellie watches her chest rise and fall steadily. She matches her own breathing to Dina’s. Sitting up slowly, Ellie pulls her soaked t-shirt off and lets the cool air hit her skin. She’d been having nightmares more frequently since being back home the past months, but this is the first time she’s seen Joel in them.

Ellie rubs her hands over her face, exhaling slowly. “Motherfucker.”

“Babe?”

Dina’s eyes crack open in the dim pre-dawn light. Ellie suddenly feels self-conscious of her bare skin, the dampness of the sheets.

“It’s fine,” Ellie says, raking her hair back from her face, “you can go back to sleep.”

Dina sits up, one eye opening wider than the other. “Bad dream?”

It’s not the first time that Dina has been next to Ellie while she’s had a nightmare. They come and go, but this one feels like a tidal wave next to a cold swimming pool.

“Yeah,” Ellie answers, her voice hoarse.

Dina places her hand on Ellie’s back. “Sweaty,” Dina mumbles. “C’mon, bathroom.” She climbs over Ellie and stands unsteadily, holding out her hand. Ellie takes it and lets Dina lead her to the bathroom. Flicking the light on, they both squint hard against the brightness. Dina sits Ellie down on the toilet and turns on the shower. Ellie stares at her feet, her legs pale where they emerge from the plaid boxers she’s wearing.

“Okay, come on.” Ellie looks up and sees Dina waiting by the shower. She’s naked and she’s got a hand under the flow of water, testing the temperature.

“You don’t have to – “

“Shut up and take off your pants,” Dina says. Ellie stands and kicks the shorts off, standing in front of Dina. Dina leans forward and leaves a kiss on Ellie’s shoulder. “C’mon.” Dina pushes back the shower curtain, stepping over the wall of the bathtub. She offers Ellie her hand, helping her get under the flow of hot water. Grabbing the bar of soap, Dina starts lathering Ellie’s body, her hands slow and still sleepy. It’s intimate, but not sexual, Dina’s hands never lingering, simply going through the loving motions of helping Ellie cleanse away the memory of the dream.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” Ellie says, her voice barely loud enough to be heard over the beating of the water.

“I wish you’d done it on purpose,” Dina replies. She tilts Ellie’s head under the water, hands gently massaging her scalp. She squeezes shampoo into her hands, rubbing it into Ellie’s hair.

“I think I got my best friend killed. Or…maybe I killed her.”

Dina’s hands pause, for just a second. Ellie freezes, her tongue heavy in her mouth. Then Dina continues shampooing Ellie’s hair, moving to rinse it out.

“Is that what you dream about?”

Dina’s question hangs in the air. Ellie nods, unable to find her voice. Dina doesn’t push, just finishes rinsing out Ellie’s hair. She reaches by her and turns off the water. Ellie stares blankly at the tiled wall – now that the words have been spoken out loud, she feels like her chest has been ripped open, exposing all her vulnerabilities to the world.

A towel is wrapped around her, and she lets Dina guide her out of the shower and back to her bedroom. Dina sits her down on the bed, helping her pull a clean t-shirt over her head. Underwear is pulled up her legs, and a pair of sweat-shorts follow. Dina dresses herself next in one of Ellie’s t-shirts and a pair of underwear.

“Tell me about your friend,” Dina says, sitting against the headboard and crossing her legs. “What was her name?”

“Riley,” Ellie says. “Her name was Riley.”

“How did you meet?”

Ellie sighs and lies back on the bed, her head resting on Dina’s bare thighs. If her wet hair bothers Dina at all, she doesn’t say. “We were in the same group home for a while, back in Boston.”

“Before you met Joel,” Dina fills in for herself.

“Yeah,” Ellie clears her throat, “we were there for about two years together. She was one of the only ones I could actually stand to be around, and then I guess we just…kept bonding.” Dina’s hand winds into Ellie’s hair, gently massaging her scalp. “She ran away when I was thirteen, she’d fallen in with a gang and had started running for them. Then she made a dumb mistake, keeping some product or something, maybe it was money, I don’t know the details. But she came back and found me, asked me to sneak out.”

“I bet you were a real troublemaker,” Dina says, and Ellie smirks.

“Yeah, there was a reason I never got placed.” The smirk falls off her lips as she continues. “We broke into a downtown tennis club, running around on the courts and shit. Then she told me she was leaving, taking the first bus to Chicago in the morning.” Ellie shuts her eyes and remembers how betrayed she felt, how fast her feet had carried her down side streets. “I took off.”

“You took off?”

“Believe it or not, I haven’t always been the well-adjusted young adult you see before you,” Ellie answers wryly.

“Oh, I believe it,” Dina laughs. “I can just picture you now, all filled with pubescent angst and unresolved feelings.”

“A true masterpiece,” Ellie says, gesturing at her body. “You’re lucky you found me when you did.”

“Oh, I agree,” Dina says, leaning forward and pressing her lips to Ellie’s forehead. “Are you okay to keep telling me your story?”

Ellie sighs and nods, gripping her left fingers with her right hand. “She followed me, and I didn’t know where I was going. When she found me, we started yelling so _fucking_ loud. I didn’t know how serious the trouble she was in was, I didn’t know where we _were_ , and all of a sudden there was this big guy jumping out of the back of a building and he grabbed me. He had a gun, and then there was a shot and he let me go. Riley had shot him; she’d actually fucking _shot him._

“And then she handed me his gun, and we tried to run out of the alley…but there were other guys who had heard the gunshot. And when they saw that their buddy was dead, like stone-cold _dead_ , they didn’t care who had done it. They started firing at us, coming at us from every fucking direction. Riley pulled me to cover, and then she told me to cover her and she ran and I fired the gun a few times and they fired their guns, and I tried to run for it but I fell and I saw her. Lying there. I’d tripped over her like she was a fuckin’ log.”

“Oh, Ellie,” Dina says, and it’s only when the back of her hand brushes Ellie’s cheek that Ellie notices the tears that had been falling.

“I just…I played dead,” Ellie says, “I played dead until the police came, and they thought _I_ had killed her. They interrogated me for ages, waving around the gun they found with me. I only got released because my social worker, Marlene, she came and fought for me. I don’t remember much about the aftermath, but the ballistics report came back and proved it couldn’t have been the gun I had shot.”

Dina gently lifts Ellie’s head from her legs and shifts until she’s lying next to her, lacing their fingers together and resting them on Ellie’s stomach. The weight grounds Ellie, and the familiarity of Dina’s eyes holds her in the present.

“Marlene didn’t want me staying in Boston,” Ellie sighs, “so she found Joel, and it probably wasn’t super legal but he began fostering me and took me out to Colorado. I’m pretty sure he owed Marlene a favour, because he really didn’t seem like he wanted me around at first but, well, I wore him down.”

“I can see that,” Dina says, teasing Ellie and resting her forehead against her temple.

“And then I did really terribly at school, I just hated having to be there with all those kids who hadn’t seen even a tenth of what I’d seen,” Ellie says, her voice nearing a growl. “I hated the teachers who treated me like a kid. Joel decided to pull me out, and we started traveling. Possibly it was a tactic to try and distract me from my terrible traumatic past, but it worked.”

Ellie stops there, taking slow breaths and grounding herself in the way Dina’s breath warms the side of her face, how her profile fits against the bone structure of Ellie’s cheek.

“Thank you,” Dina whispers, “for sharing all of that with me.”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, her throat full of gravel, “thanks for listening. I…I’m really glad you know.”

Dina nods, kissing the hinge of Ellie’s jaw. “Me too.”

“I love you, Dina,” Ellie says, turning and draping her arm over Dina’s waist.

“I love _you_ , Ellie,” Dina replies, nuzzling their noses together. “Now, I have to get up and leave in a few hours, so let’s see if we can get a little more sleep, huh?”

Ellie nods, grateful for the strong and silent support that Dina offers with her presence.

Sleep comes easy and peacefully.

* * *

**_December 2016_ **

Ellie stands on the front porch of Dina’s family home. She knocks, shifting on her feet so her toes don’t freeze. The chimes that line the porch are all playing an off-kilter symphony as the winter wind swings them.

The door opens, Ellie stepping back before it can hit her. The girl who stands in the doorway isn’t Dina. She looks like Dina, same hair and same eyes. Big glasses sit on her nose, and she’s wrapped in a big shawl. Ellie thinks she looks a bit like an owl.

“Uh, hi,” Ellie says, “I’m Ellie. I’m here for Dina?”

“You’re Ellie,” the girl says. “Right. I’m Talia.”

“That makes sense.” Ellie clears her throat. “Is Dina home? She didn’t know I was coming.”

“She’s out,” Talia answers. She looks Ellie up and down, then sighs. “Come in, I guess.” She stands aside, and Ellie steps by her. The house smells like spices, like someone’s cooking. There’s a fire crackling away in the living room, Dina’s mom sitting by it with a blanket over her lap. Ellie takes off her shoes and hangs up her coat on the pegs by the door.

“Smells good,” Ellie says.

“Brisket,” Talia says. “Here, come have a seat.” Ellie follows her to the living room, sitting down on the couch. She feels stiff, like she can’t fully relax. That might have something to do with the two pairs of intense eyes that are focused on her.

“I hope you don’t mind me showing up like this,” Ellie says. She hadn’t even thought of this issue, of what Dina’s mother and sister would think of her just showing up at their home.

“It’s a pleasant surprise,” Dina’s mother, Tikvah, says. Ellie’s not sure she totally believes the words, but she’s grateful that Tikvah is kind enough to fake it. “How have you been, Ellie?”

“Pretty good, yeah,” Ellie answers, because that’s just how people answer that question when they’re talking to someone they don’t know very well. “I’ve been helping my…dad, at home. He had a heart attack back in April.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Tikvah says. She turns to Talia and says something in Hebrew, and Talia gets up, leaving the living room. “And your studies?”

“Good,” Ellie says, nodding and pursing her lips, “been doing it long-distance.”

“Major?”

“Physics.”

“And what will you do with that?”

Ellie raises her eyebrows and blows out a breath through her lips. “Uh, I’m not sure. I’d like to work in Astronomy or something. Maybe NASA.”

“Ambitious,” Tikvah says, and Ellie can’t tell if she’s saying it like it’s a good or a bad thing.

“I guess so,” Ellie says. Talia comes back, handing Ellie a glass of water. Ellie takes it with a smile.

“Adinah should be home soon,” Tikvah says, “she was going to that hippie man’s house.”

Ellie nearly chokes on her water. “Hippie man?”

“Eugene,” Talia says, “he’s some old retired soldier. Dina goes over and helps him out with yardwork.”

“Right, sure,” Ellie says. Talia smirks at her, and Ellie doesn’t like that. It feels smug.

“Adinah is a very kind girl,” Tikvah says, staring in the flames. “Mostly, she is too kind.”

Tikvah’s eyes are like an x-ray, scanning Ellie right down to her bones.

“She’s really great,” Ellie agrees. “Uh, I actually need to use the bathroom. Do you mind if I…?” She gestures abstractly. Tikvah nods. Placing the glass down on the coffee table, Ellie stands and grabs her bag, heading up the stairs to Dina’s room.

It’s the same as it was a year and a half ago, like time can’t touch it. Ellie tosses her bag by the end of the bed. There’s a small ashtray on the windowsill, the hand-rolled ends of stubbed out joints littering it. The bed is made, but messily. Ellie shuts the door behind her as she leaves, heading to the bathroom.

When she comes back out, she can hear voices downstairs speaking Hebrew. Her ears pick out Dina’s voice easily, and she jogs down the stairs, eager to see Dina.

The three women are all sitting around the fire, talking rapidly over each other. Ellie stands awkwardly in the doorway, hands clasped in front of her. Dina stands up, her hands held up in the air. She turns, and her eyes land on Ellie.

“Ellie!” Dina smiles, and it sends Ellie’s heart to the races. “You’re here.”

“Yeah, surprise,” Ellie says. She smiles back, but there’s something in Dina’s eyes that makes her think she might have messed up somehow. “I, uh, I hope it’s okay I’m here?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dina says, shaking her head a little, “of course. I’m really happy to see you.” Dina seems to pick up on Ellie’s uncertainty, and she walks over and pulls Ellie into a hug. “It’s really nice that you’re here.”

Ellie’s hands rest on Dina’s lower back. She smells like cold air from having just come inside. Dina steps back from the hug, and Ellie catches the split second it takes for Dina to put her smile back on.

“Um, mom, Talia,” Dina says, “you remember Ellie?”

“Yeah, we just met,” Talia says, and she’s got that smirk back on her face. Tikvah’s eyes are narrowed, her penetrating gaze fixed on Ellie. It’s extremely disconcerting.

“Well,” Dina says, clapping her hands together and looking at Ellie, “we’re just going to go catch up.” She tilts her head towards the stairs, backing out of the living room. Ellie follows her lead, giving Dina’s family a quick wave.

“Smooth,” Ellie mutters as she follows Dina up the stairs.

“Shut up,” Dina mumbles back.

They get to Dina’s room, and Dina wastes no time in pressing Ellie up against the door and firmly attaching their lips together. Ellie holds Dina’s jaw, fingers reaching her hair line. Dina tastes like bitter dark chocolate, and Ellie slips her tongue into Dina’s mouth. She can feel Dina’s hands on her abdomen through the hoodie she’s wearing, pushing her against the door. Ellie runs the tip of her tongue on the roof of Dina’s mouth, and they break apart for air.

“Happy Hanukkah,” Ellie mumbles. Dina laughs and repeats the sentiment, kissing her again. Ellie’s knees feel weak.

“It _is_ really good to see you,” Dina breathes. Ellie goes to answer, but Dina’s lips are back on hers, insistent and impossible to deny. Teeth bite at Ellie’s bottom lip, then a warm tongue soothes the same spot. Ellie slips her hands into Dina’s hair, gripping it and tilting Dina’s head to the side to deepen their kiss. Dina whimpers into her mouth, her hips press against Ellie’s as her hands slide up Ellie’s torso to rest just below her collarbone.

“Bed,” Ellie gets out between kisses, and Dina nods. Neither of them move, Dina’s hands moving to instead undo the button of Ellie’s jeans. “Or, yeah, that works too.” Dina grins against Ellie’s lips as she slips her hand under the waistband of Ellie’s underwear.

She doesn’t get very far.

“Okay, your jeans are too tight,” Dina grumbles, breaking their kiss to look down at where she’s trying to get.

“I thought you liked that my jeans are tight,” Ellie says, lifting Dina’s chin and kissing her again. “Ow, okay, nope.” Ellie pulls back and grabs Dina’s wrist. “Too tight. You’re not getting that in there.”

“That’s what she said,” Dina says. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“That was way too easy,” Ellie says.

“Speak for yourself,” Dina replies. She drops her head to Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie pats her on the back, kissing the side of her head.

“Should we _actually_ go to the bed now?” Ellie says, trying not to laugh at Dina’s dramatic misery.

Dina pulls back and grabs Ellie by the collar, dragging her over to the bed and giving her a small push to get her to sit, straddling her lap. Her arms drape over Ellie’s shoulders as she presses their lips together.

“You’re friendly,” Ellie mumbles.

“Maybe I’m just horny,” Dina answers. Ellie smiles, gripping Dina’s waist and pulling her closer.

“You know your family is right downstairs, right?”

Dina shrugs and pushed Ellie’s shoulders until she’s lying on her back, legs still dangling off the edge of the bed. “So, we’ll be quiet.”

“Yeah,” Ellie says, all thoughts of Dina’s family gone as Dina pulls her shirt over her head, “quiet.”

* * *

Ellie thinks Hanukkah is pretty cool. There’s a lot of words she doesn’t understand, a lot of traditions she fumbles on, but overall? She really enjoys it. The food is amazing, Dina showing her how to make homemade doughnuts and Talia serving up the most delicious latkes Ellie’s ever eaten. They’re also the _only_ latkes Ellie’s ever had, but she can’t see anything beating the experience.

Dina still seems tense, and Ellie notices that she doesn’t initiate much physical contact in front of her family. It’s made up for behind any and every closed door, but Ellie can’t help the pit of disappointment that starts to grow roots in her gut.

They’re at the Tipsy Bison a few nights before Ellie needs to head back. Dina buys dinner, swatting Ellie’s money away and staring her down until she puts it back in her wallet. They drink beers and someone named Andre sends over a couple of rounds of shots for Dina. Dina waves across the bar at a handsome guy. He waves back and gives her a really big smile.

“Who’s that?” Ellie can’t help the churn of jealousy in her stomach. The idea that guys are buying drinks for her girlfriend sits in all the wrong ways.

“Andre?” Dina looks back at Ellie, the smile still on her face. “He’s an old friend. Also, my first boyfriend.”

“What?” Ellie chokes on her sip of beer. “I thought Jesse was your first boyfriend.”

Dina hums, shaking her head as she takes a drink. “Nope, Andre. We had a fast and furious love. One day I loaned him a pencil, the next he picked me some dandelions from the schoolyard. Of course, it was all over when he offered to look after my Tamagotchi for me and gave it back to me dead.”

“Your…Tamagotchi…”

Dina watches the gears turn in Ellie’s head. “We were seven. It was never meant to last.”

Ellie groans, wadding up her napkin and tossing it at Dina. “You’re such a dick.”

“And you,” Dina speaks through her laughter, “are a little ridiculous.” She passes one of the shots to Ellie, lifting another up. “Come on, you green-eyed monster.”

Ellie sighs, lifting her shot and tapping it to Dina’s. They tap their glasses on the table and knock the alcohol back. It’s tequila, and Ellie gags a little as it goes down.

“Andre has shit taste in alcohol,” she says, grabbing her beer and chasing the liquor down her throat.

“You’re just a baby,” Dina says, grabbing another shot and downing it with ease.

“Maybe you just have zero fuckin’ tastebuds,” Ellie mutters. Dina kicks her under the table.

They drink until the bar reaches last call. The stumble home is cold and fast, if not a little crooked. Dina throws no fewer than five snowballs at Ellie, Ellie tackling Dina into a snowbank. They lie in the cold, trading drunk, sloppy kisses. Dina’s nose is cold where it presses into Ellie’s cheek, their mingling breath fogging between them and warming the air.

It’s a mission to get back to Dina’s house without tearing each other’s clothes off. Dina trips up the porch stairs, Ellie snickering as she fumbles with her keys. They shush each other dramatically as they kick off their boots in the front hall, and Ellie nearly knocks over the side table that holds keys and different symbolic sculptures. Dina takes her hands and leads her up the stairs to the bathroom. Ellie can’t stop laughing when Dina can’t get her pants undone to go pee, getting a roll of toilet paper to the face.

Eventually, they manage to settle down and wash up. Ellie gets distracted though, pressing Dina into the wall of the hallway and biting at her neck. Dina lets a loud moan slip, then claps a hand over her own mouth.

“Okay,” Dina says, pushing Ellie off of her, “we should really go to bed.” Ellie whines, grabbing Dina’s wrists and lifting them above her head, pinning them to the wall. Dina whimpers, and Ellie knows she’s winning. She kisses along the line of Dina’s clavicle, her free hand against Dina’s pelvis, keeping her tight to the wall.

As Ellie’s about to move her hand lower, the hall light turns on and Dina shoves Ellie back so fast she almost tumbles over the railing on down the stairs. She catches herself, barely, and squints down the hall. Talia is standing in the doorway to her room, her arms crossed over her chest. Ellie closes one eye, hoping that will stop the way her vision spins.

Talia says something in Hebrew. Dina responds, her voice smaller than Ellie’s ever heard it. Talia isn’t yelling, but even without the understanding of the words, Ellie can tell she’s angry. Ellie would be angry, too, if she was woken up by two horny drunk people in the hallway.

“Talia, please,” Dina says, but Talis just turns and slams her door shut.

“Well, that could have been worse,” Ellie says, her words slurring together a little.

Dina just looks at her, her lips pulled into her mouth around her teeth. She shakes her head and walks to her room. Ellie frowns, following with an uneven gait. Fuck, she’s way drunker than she thought. She shuts the door carefully behind her, looking at where Dina is already under the covers, her back turned to Ellie.

Ellie climbs into the bed beside her girlfriend, tugging the covers up to her chin and snuggling against Dina’s back.

“Ellie,” Dina says, “can you give me some space, please?”

The words are polite enough, but they cut Ellie right to her heart. “Space?”

Dina nods, and Ellie rolls onto her back. The room is spinning, and she clenches her eyes shut.

“Hey, what are two things you can’t have for breakfast?” Ellie says, and Dina just sighs. “Lunch and dinner.”

“Ellie,” Dina says again, and even with this level of intoxication, Ellie can hear the tremble in her lips, “please. I just want to sleep.”

“Right,” Ellie mumbles, turning on her side so their backs are lightly brushing, “sure.”

* * *

The morning brings a hangover. It’s not as bad as Ellie had anticipated, but it’s still there. She throws up a little bit, which is disgusting but helps ease the way the entire world sits just a few degrees off-axis. Dina must already be downstairs, her pillow cold when Ellie woke up.

From where she’s rinsing out her mouth in the bathroom, Ellie can hear a rapid voice speaking downstairs. It sounds like Tikvah, the words articulated and delivered with a harsh tone only a mother could perfect. Ellie walks downstairs carefully, and she pauses on the steps when she catches sight of the scene in the living room.

Dina is sitting in an armchair, staring down at her hands as her mother talks a mile a minute in Hebrew. Talia is sitting on the couch, sipping a mug of something that still has steam rising from it. Ellie sits on the steps, quietly and trying to avoid drawing attention to herself. Seeing someone’s parent yell at them is one of the most universally uncomfortable experiences.

Tikvah’s words stop, and Ellie watches as Dina fiddles with her hands. She’s never seen Dina look this meek, this small, this _defeated_ before. She mumbles something, looking up at her mother with pleading eyes. Tikvah scoffs, and turns her chair, leaving through the doorway into the kitchen.

“Dina,” Talia says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know she would be so - ,”

“So _what_ , Talia?” Dina snaps, but it’s half-hearted and weakened by the way a tear rolls down the side of Dina’s face. “So stubborn? So insistent in her beliefs?” Dina laughs, and it might be the saddest sound Ellie’s heard. “Fuck you. You knew, and you did it anyway.” Dina stands and Ellie panics, trying to scramble up the steps before Dina can see she’s been eavesdropping. Her hangover betrays her, though, and her movements are too lethargic and stilted to get her far enough away.

Dina looks at her from the bottom of the staircase, eyes wide.

“Dina, I’m sorry,” Ellie says, “I didn’t mean to listen, I didn’t even understand what was being said.” Dina just shakes her head and grabs her coat, pulling it on and stepping into her boots. “Dina, where are you going?”

“Out,” Dina answers over her shoulder, and the front door slams shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go, some backstory! I really packed this one with drama, it's zero to a hundred real quick. Thank you all for your kind words and hitting that kudos button, it's all so nice and motivating!


	12. December 2016 - March 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Has Dina been by today?” Jesse asks. 
> 
> “Nope,” Eugene answers. He looks over Jesse’s shoulder at Ellie. “Who’s that?”
> 
> “I’m Ellie,” Ellie speaks up, stepping forward. 
> 
> “You’re Ellie?” Eugene looks her up and down. “I thought you’d be taller.”

Ellie has no idea where Dina’s gone. She’d quickly gotten dressed and grabbed her coat, trying to follow Dina’s footprints in the freshly fallen snow, but as it turns out, Ellie is not much of a tracker. It’s 2016, it was never a skill she thought she would have to have.

She texts Jesse, hoping that he’s back from his family vacation and will have a better idea of where Dina goes in Jackson.

_dude, sos. dina left her house and idk where she went_

He replies almost instantly, and Ellie almost drops her phone as she fumbles to unlock it.

_Meet me at the bison, I’ll help you look._

It’s strange to retrace the steps she took not even ten hours ago with Dina. There’s still a big dent in the snowbank where they’d traded those drunk kisses, still the scoops of snow missing from peoples’ lawns where Dina had made snowballs and mercilessly pelted Ellie with them.

And now, Dina is off somewhere, upset and alone.

Jesse is leaning up against the outside of the Tipsy Bison, his hair sticking out from underneath a black toque.

“Hey,” he says, and they meet in a quick hug. “Come on, there’s a few places she might be.”

They don’t talk as Jesse leads Ellie down streets and through alleyways. Jesse greets some people as he passes them; Ellie keeps her head down. She feels like a dumbass. It all feels like it’s her fault.

“Greenhouse,” Jesse says, and Ellie looks up from where she’s been staring at her feet. “Dina worked here for a summer or two in high school. It’s possible she came here.” He knocks on the door, and a kind looking woman opens it, her gray hair piled up on top of her head.

“Jesse, it’s a bit early,” she says, “we’re not open just yet.”

“I know, I’m sorry Margaret,” he says, that charming smile of his plastered on his face. “I was just wondering, have you seen Dina this morning?”

Margaret looks past Jesse’s shoulder where Ellie is standing five feet back. They lock eyes, and Ellie swallows under her scrutinizing gaze. “I’m afraid I haven’t, no. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, everything’s fine,” Jesse reassures, “just trying to catch up. We had plans.”

Ellie’s pretty impressed with how easily Jesse can lie to this nice old lady.

They head off again. More and more people are coming out onto the street; kids pulling sleds behind them, parents anxiously watching toddlers climb around on snowbanks, teenagers shivering because they think they’re too cool to wear coats. The more people that come out, the higher Ellie’s anxiety gets. Jackson is a small town, and she knows Dina is fine, but why is she so hard to track down? Why do none of these people seem to know or care where she is?

“Ellie, this way,” Jesse calls out to her. Ellie snaps out of her reverie, and sees Jesse down an alleyway. She jogs a few steps to catch up.

“Where are we going?”

“Eugene’s place,” Jesse says, “an old army vet that Dina hangs out with sometimes.”

“Right, I heard about him,” Ellie says.

“From Dina?”

“No, her sister,” Ellie answers.

Jesse snorts. “Then believe me, you haven’t heard about him.”

“What…?”

They come up to a small lot with a bungalow on it. There are no holiday lights on the eaves, no wooden reindeer on the lawn. Ellie follows Jesse up the steps, waiting as Jesse knocks on the door.

“Who is it?” A gruff voice yells from inside.

“Jesse,” Jesse yells back. Ellie can hear a lot of thumping inside, rustling, the sound of about four locks being turned, and then the door swings open.

Eugene is tall, bearded, and the air that follows him out smells a lot like weed. He seems to tower over Ellie and Jesse, and he gives them a suspicious look.

“What the hell do you kids wants?” His thick eyebrows sit low over his eyes as he looks at them.

“Has Dina been by today?” Jesse asks.

“Nope,” Eugene answers. He looks over Jesse’s shoulder at Ellie. “Who’s that?”

“I’m Ellie,” Ellie speaks up, stepping forward.

“You’re Ellie?” Eugene looks her up and down. “I thought you’d be taller.”

Ellie blinks, unsure what to do with that. “Right. So, Dina hasn’t been around here?”

Eugene scratches at his beard, still looking at her. Ellie fidgets with the ends of her sleeves. “You kids want a drink?”

“It’s nine in the morning,” Ellie says.

“Right,” the older man says. “Look, if Dina doesn’t want to be found, you probably won’t find her.” He looks kind of proud as he says it, and Ellie looks to Jesse.

“Thanks for your help, Eugene,” Jesse says, picking up on Ellie’s impatience. “If Dina comes by, let her know we’re looking for her, will you?”

“Sure,” Eugene says. “Good luck.” With that, he slams the door shut in their faces.

“He’s a real ray of sunshine,” Ellie growls.

“Yeah,” Jesse says with a shrug, “but he likes Dina.”

“And you’re sure it’s not in like…a weird way?”

Jesse laughs. “Pretty sure. He’s just a grumpy old man.” They stand on the sidewalk, Ellie’s arms wrapped around her torso. Her jacket isn’t quite thick enough to withstand the cold, and she wishes she’d been a bit calmer in her hasty exit.

“So, where next?” She asks, and Jesse sighs. His breath fogs out in front of them, and for the first time in almost six months, Ellie really wishes she had a cigarette.

“Cemetery,” Jesse says. Ellie frowns, keeping stride with him as he heads off down the road.

“Cemetery?”

“Her dad,” Jesse says, “he’s buried there.”

Ellie doesn’t answer, and suddenly her shoulders feel heavy. How bad was the conversation with her mom that Dina had run off to visit her father’s grave?

“I’m such an idiot,” Ellie mumbles. If Jesse hears her, he doesn’t respond. His hands are tucked into his pockets, the collar of his jacket turned up against the winter air. She can’t help but feel a little jealous of him. He and Dina were together for so long, he probably knows more about her than Ellie ever will. She had to call him for help finding her own girlfriend, trailing around after him through town. He definitely was never so deep in the hole of disapproval.

They stop outside the tall wrought-iron gates of the cemetery. Snow lies on the top of the brick wall and the branches of the evergreens, like something out of a Christmas card. A macabre, gothic Christmas card.

“She’ll be in the back,” Jesse says, “just down the path.”

“Maybe you should go,” Ellie says, nerves lighting up along her skin, “this is all my fault.”

“Hey,” Jesse puts his hand on her shoulder, and Ellie looks down at her feet, “she’s going to want to see you. I don’t know what this is all about, but…I know Dina loves you. And if it were me, I’d way rather have my girlfriend come and cheer me up than my ex-boyfriend.”

Ellie looks up and meets his earnest eyes. “Okay,” she sighs, “you’re right.”

“And I’ll rub it in your face when this is all sorted,” Jesse jokes. Her squeezes her shoulder and then turns her so she’s facing the path into the cemetery. “Go see your girl.”

Ellie nods, taking a deep breath as she steps through the gates. Small tombstones, large dramatic statues, the cemetery is a patchwork of every type of grave Ellie can imagine. Her feet crunch the snow beneath them, and the sounds of the town fade away behind the walls.

“End of the path,” she mumbles to herself. The path winds and curves, lined with hibernating bushes and winter plants. As she follows the path around the trunk of a tall fir tree, she sees a figure standing beneath the bare branches of a deciduous tree.

Her steps falter. Who is she to intrude on this moment? What gives her the right to assume Dina will want to see her now, after the morning’s events?

Fate decides for her. Or, Dina’s exceptional hearing does.

“You can come over here,” Dina says. Ellie approaches carefully, shoving her hands in her pockets.

“How did you know I was there?” Ellie asks, coming to stand beside Dina.

“I could hear you shifting around on your feet,” Dina says. “You do that, when you’re anxious.”

“Oh.” Ellie clears her throat and scratches her cheek on her shoulder.

Silence covers them, and Ellie looks at the tombstone in front of them. The epitaph is in Hebraic scroll, a star of David sitting above it in the light stone.

“Sorry I ran out,” Dina says, wrapping her arms around herself, “I just…panicked.”

“It’s okay,” Ellie says. She leans over and bumps her shoulder into Dina’s, a gentle reminder that she’s there.

“I guess uh,” Dina sort of chuckles to herself, “you’ve met my dad, now.” The grin she gives Ellie is wry and just a little sad.

“Should I promise to have you home by eleven?” Ellie offers up a little smile, barely a lift of her lips. Dina leans against her side, and Ellie carefully wraps an arm around her.

“He would have really like you,” Dina says, “or at least, I think he would have. I know he loved dumb jokes, you guys have that in common.”

Ellie ignores the dig at her humour, just tightening her arm and resting her cheek against Dina’s head.

“I’m sorry I was hiding our relationship,” Dina says. Ellie frowns, turning her head and pressing her lips to Dina’s hair.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Ellie mumbles. “I’m sorry I was such a drunk idiot last night.”

“Yeah, we both were,” Dina says with a sniffle, “and Talia’s just…she’s _such_ an asshole.” Dina straightens up, and Ellie immediately misses the warmth of her body.

“She kind of is,” Ellie agrees, unsure what her role here is. She wishes she was more like Dina in this moment; Dina who always knows just what to say, knows exactly what Ellie needs even when Ellie doesn’t know herself.

“I knew my mom wouldn’t get it,” Dina continues, “but I thought…I thought she loved me enough to _try_.” Ellie stares down at her feet. She’d never considered how lucky she was that Joel had just quietly supported her. It was _beyond_ embarrassing when he would show up wearing his _I’m proud of my lesbian daughter_ shirt, but the alternative…it wasn’t something Ellie had ever considered.

“What did she say?” Ellie asks, looking at Dina and watching her reaction carefully.

Dina wipes the back of her gloved hand across her nose. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ellie offers up, and Dina takes a deep breath.

“Let’s go to the Bison,” she says, “your hands must be freezing.” Taking Ellie’s bare hands in her gloved ones, Dina brings them to her lips and presses a soft kiss to the back of each. “Just give me a moment?” Ellie nods, leaning in and leaving the briefest of kisses on Dina’s cheek, just at the corner of her mouth. She lingers, a breath away from Dina’s skin, bumping her nose against Dina’s cheekbone.

“Take your time,” she mumbles, and Dina turns her head to press their lips together. Ellie inhales through her nose, her heart fluttering a little. Dina’s lips are cold, but her breath is warm where it hits Ellie’s skin.

“Thank you,” Dina says softly. Ellie walks away, giving Dina plenty of space. She watches as Dina crouches and takes off her right-hand glove, pressing her bare hand to the tombstone. Her head lowers for a moment. Ellie looks away, feeling like an intruder on a sacred moment. She turns to out across the other side of the cemetery. Snow caps the headstones like tiny mountains.

“Hey,” Dina says, coming up behind Ellie and placing a hand on the small of her back, “let’s go.”

They reach the Tipsy Bison and Dina orders a tea, holding the hot mug in her hands. Their ankles hook together under the table, and Ellie waits patiently for Dina to speak.

“Do you know much about the whole Jewish-homosexuality thing?” Dina asks. Ellie shakes her head, ripping small pieces off her napkin. “It’s…it’s weird. Mostly it’s about men, like everything else in the world. Women are hardly mentioned, in fact there’s some interpretations that basically say it’s fine between women because it doesn’t remove their virginity.”

“That’s kind of fucked up,” Ellie says, and Dina nods.

“Yeah,” she says with a sigh, “and even with men it’s not the emotional attraction that’s the problem, just the physical acts.” Dina puts her mug down and props her chin up on her hands, resting her elbows on the table. “My mom is pretty traditional. Even when I was dating Jesse, she wasn’t totally on board. If she had her way, she’d marry me and Talia off to two good, Jewish men as soon as possible.”

“Yeah, I’m batting zero for two,” Ellie says, trying to lighten the mood. Dina smirks, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I was just hoping I wouldn’t have to make this decision,” Dina says.

“Decision?” Ellie asks. Dina looks at her, wide eyes brimming with tears. “Oh.” Ellie feels her stomach turn to concrete. “I – I get it, Dina, it’s okay.”

Dina’s eyebrows tug together, and realization dawns on her face. “Oh, god, no,” she says, reaching across the table and grabbing Ellie’s hands. “Ellie, don’t even think that.” Dina slides out of her side of the booth and into Ellie’s, dropping her hands in favour of cupping her cheeks, turning her head so Ellie has to look into her eyes.

Ellie loves Dina’s eyes. They’re deep and dark, with flecks of lighter brown scattered throughout her irises. It’s overwhelming to stare into them like this, unbroken.

“I would choose you a thousand times over,” Dina says, and Ellie’s heart feels too big for her chest. Dina leans in, their lips meeting. Ellie whimpers into Dina’s mouth, the pressure of Dina’s fingers against the hinge of her jaw urging her forward. Everything feels too big, too real, and Ellie leans into it. Her hands find their way to Dina’s hips. The smooth movement of Dina’s lips on hers, the gentle touch of a tongue against her lips; Ellie forgets where she is. She forgets what brought them here. All she knows is Dina.

Dina breaks the kiss, and her eyes are darker now, pupils blown with desire. Her lips are reddened, her cheeks flushed. Ellie’s sure she looks similar, if the way her chest is heaving is any indication.

“I love you,” Dina says, her eyes searching out Ellie’s, “and I can’t imagine being without you.”

Ellie hates the way her throat closes up, and she nods. “Me too.”

“If my family can’t handle this,” Dina says, gesturing between them, “then that’s their problem.”

“I don’t want you to lose your family,” Ellie says, and Dina purses her lips.

“I’d rather be with someone who loves me for all of me,” she says, and it’s a confession that Ellie swallows with a kiss, pulling Dina as close as the restrictions of the booth will allow. It feels like slow desperation; that even with Dina’s affirmations, Ellie feels too nervous to let go. Her teeth scrape along Dina’s bottom lip, drinking her in.

The sound of a throat being cleared behind them breaks them apart. Dina smiles, bashful for maybe the first time Ellie’s ever noticed, and she rests her forehead against Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie bites back the giddy smile she can feel coming on, looking over Dina’s head and meeting Jesse’s eyes.

“I guess you guys are okay?” He asks, sliding into the empty side of the booth.

“Yeah,” Ellie says, hiding her smile in Dina’s hair, “we’re okay.”

* * *

When they return to Dina’s house that evening after a day of hanging around Jackson with Jesse, Ellie hesitates on the front porch.

“Maybe I should just…wait out here?” It’s snowing again, light flakes dusting their heads and shoulders.

Dina steps forward, taking Ellie’s hands. “I need you with me. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Ellie says, swallowing her fear, “anything you need.” Dina gives her a grateful smile. Still holding one of Ellie’s hands, Dina opens the door and they step inside. There’s noise in the kitchen, and the two young women take off their coats. Dina takes Ellie’s hand again, leading her into the kitchen.

Talia and Tikvah are at the counter, chopping vegetables. Ellie feels fear creep up the back of her neck. She can’t imagine how Dina must be feeling.

“Hi,” Dina says. Talia looks over her shoulder, her face impossible to read behind her glasses. Tikvah doesn’t respond, just continues with the pile of vegetables in front of her. “I know this isn’t…I know I’m not what you want.” Dina swallows her nerves, and Ellie squeezes her hand. “I’m going to head back to school, tonight. Take your time and space.” She lets go of Ellie’s hand and steps forward. She wraps her arms around Talia’s waist pressing her face into her sister’s shoulder. Talia freezes, and Ellie thinks she sees her twitch like she wants to turn and hug her back.

Dina drops her arms and Ellie hates the way she can see the track of a tear on Dina’s cheek. Dina stands behind her mother. She mumbles something in Hebrew, putting a hand over her mouth as she finishes. Tikvah doesn’t give any sign of acknowledgement, her hands resolutely chopping up the vegetables in front of her.

“Dina,” Ellie says gently as Dina brushes by her. Ellie turns to follow, but she hesitates in the doorway. Taking a bracing breath, she turns back to look at the two women in the kitchen. “I know this isn’t my place,” she says, “but you’re being idiots. And believe me, I know a thing or two about that.” Ellie feels her fear slip away as anger takes over. “Dina is the most amazing person I know. I would do anything for her. And the fact that you’re too stubborn to see that, to see how wonderful she is? It’s fucking stupid.” With that, Ellie turns around and dashes upstairs, putting as much distance between her and Dina’s family as possible.

Dina is in her room, tossing clothes into a suitcase. Ellie sits on the bed beside the suitcase, watching Dina’s shaky hands fold her clothing.

“Do you need a hand?” Ellie asks, adjusting the messy pile of poorly-folded shirts in the suitcase.

“Can you drive me back to school?” Dina asks, not looking at Ellie.

Ellie nods. “Of course.” She stands, gathering up her own clothes from around the room and shoving them into her duffel bag. By the time she’s zipping it up, Dina is all packed and sitting on her bed, fiddling with a joint.

“Do you think they’ll come around?” Dina asks, and she looks small. Ellie sits beside her and takes the joint, tucking it behind her ear. Their knees press together.

“They’d be stupid not to,” Ellie murmurs, tucking the little strand of hair at Dina’s temple behind her ear. Ellie leaves a tender kiss on Dina’s cheek. “You ready to go?”

Dina sighs and nods. “Thank you,” she mumbles, turning her head to take Ellie’s lips in hers. Ellie tastes salt, leftover from the tears Dina tried so hard to hide. They stand together, Ellie gabbing Dina’s suitcase and her duffel bag, ignoring Dina’s protests that she can carry something.

There’s only a second’s hesitation at the door, where Dina lingers in the doorway, looking over her shoulder at the hallway of her home. Then she steps outside and shuts the door, her jaw set and eyes resolute on staying forward.

* * *

“ _Hey, kiddo.”_

“Hi Joel. I just, uh, wanted to check in.”

“ _Oh. I’m good, just having dinner. Alone. By myself.”_

 _“_ Okay, weirdo. Look, something happened with Dina and I’m heading back to school with her. Just for now.”

“ _Is she alright?”_

“Yeah, she’ll be…she’ll be okay.”

“ _And you’re okay?_ ”

“I’m good. But if you need me home, I’ll come back sooner. You better still be keeping up that low-sodium diet, or I’ll kick your ass.”

 _“Don’t worry, everything I’m eatin’ is extremely bland_.”

“Good. What was that noise?”

“ _Nothin’, it was uh…a cat. A cat got in.” … “Esther is over. She’s a friend from the hospital. Just here checkin’ up on me.”_

“Ri-ight. Well, don’t over-exert yourself tonight with any…extra-curricular activities.”

“ _I’m hanging up on you now_.”

* * *

**_February 2017_ **

Ellie wakes up to a warm hand pressing against her pelvis. She cracks her eyes open and looks to her right. Dina is smirking at her, head propped up on a bent arm.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dina says, leaning in and kissing under Ellie’s jaw. Ellie hums, her voice hardly more than a croak. She squirms as Dina slides her hand lower over the material of her boxers, pressing between her legs.

“Hm, mornin’,” Ellie groans. Dina pulls her lips away and grins. Through her bleary eyes, Ellie looks at Dina. “You’re dressed? You’ve got makeup on?” Dina’s hand slips up the leg of Ellie’s shorts, tapping playfully against her inner thigh.

“I’ve got a meeting with my honours supervisor,” Dina says, “but you looked really cute lying there with your mouth open, drooling on _my_ pillow.” Ellie rolls her eyes.

“You spent all night lying diagonally across the bed, I can’t help it if my subconscious wanted revenge,” Ellie says, and Dina laughs.

“Fair enough,” she says. Her fingers are suddenly pressing against wet heat, and Ellie lets out a whimper.

“Dina,” Ellie moans, “you better not be starting something you can’t finish.”

“Babe, we know I can finish this easy,” Dina teases. Ellie’s back arches and her hands lock behind Dina’s neck. She presses her head into Dina’s shoulder, trying to muffle the sounds that are coming unbidden from her lips.

“This feels unfair,” Ellie gasps, “you’re going to be right just because I had no warning.” Dina’s fingers slip inside her, and Ellie’s blunt nails claw at Dina’s back.

It only takes a few minutes for her to come undone, a deep groan cutting through the air as her body tenses, waves rocking through her. Dina coaxes them out of her, and Ellie has to press a hand to Dina’s chest to get her to stop when it becomes a little too much.

“Told you,” Dina says. Ellie rolls her eyes, catching her breath. “You can go back to sleep now.” Dina sits up and straightens out the collar of her shirt.

“Fuck you,” Ellie says, sitting up and stretching out her neck.

“Later,” Dina answers. She stands and checks herself in the mirror. Ellie stands too, pulling her slightly damp t-shirt off and stretching. Her plan works; Dina’s eyes are locked on her in the mirror, her bottom lip caught in her teeth.

“Don’t you have a meeting to get to?” Ellie asks, innocently brushing by Dina and heading to the bathroom.

Dina follows, bumping Ellie away from the sink with her hip and washing her hands. “I do. That’s why I’m leaving.”

Ellie shrugs, turning on the shower and kicking off her bottoms. “Okay, well, have fun.”

Two wet hands press against her back. Ellie smirks, turning around and catching Dina’s hands in hers. Dina purses her lips, narrowing her eyes at Ellie who reciprocates the look.

“You think you’re hot shit?” Dina asks, tilting her head.

“I know you think I am,” Ellie counters. Dina snorts and pulls her hands away.

“I need to go,” Dina says, and she trails a finger down Ellie’s stomach. “Feel free to be naked when I get home.” Ellie laughs, and Dina’s cool composure breaks, joining Ellie’s laughter. She tilts her head up, and Ellie takes the cue, leaning down just slightly to lock their lips together for a second.

“Bye,” Ellie says as Dina leaves the bathroom. Dina says it back, and Ellie gets under the hot water.

It’s been nearly two months of living with Dina. It wasn’t meant to last this long, and there hadn’t been a clear plan that involved Ellie moving in, but Joel had insisted he didn’t need Ellie to come back and look after him. Dina had suggested she just stay with her instead of go hunt down an apartment in the middle of the school year.

So far, everything was going smoothly. Ellie had learned a few basic recipes so she could pull her weight with making dinners, and Dina had caved to Ellie’s request that she be allowed to put a TV in the small living space to play video games on. The few fights they had had were easily resolved, both willing to compromise and make it work. The make-up sex wasn’t a bad bonus, either.

Once she’s clean and dry, Ellie pulls on some clean clothes and flops onto the couch. Her phone is on the coffee table and she grabs it, checking for any messages from Joel. Instead of finding a text, she sees the date and jumps to her feet.

“Fuck!” She hisses through her teeth. It’s Valentine’s day, and once again, she’d completely forgotten. Grabbing her jacket and pulling on her shoes, she’s out the door in a mad flurry.

In a small blessing, it’s a beautiful clear day, unseasonably warm. Ellie speed-walks down the streets, her eyes scanning every storefront she passes. Gift-giving has never been her forte, and everything she sees seems either too small, too big, too cheesy, or too impersonal.

She reaches a familiar storefront. It feels like a last-ditch attempt to save her skin, but she pushes open the door and steps inside.

Cat is at the register, scribbling on some paper and nodding her head to the crunchy rock music that’s coming through the speakers. She looks up at the sound of the door closing, and a smile graces her features.

“Ellie,” she greets, “long time no see.” Cat puts the pencil down and leans forward over the counter. “Where’s the ball and chain?”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “You’re lucky she’s not here to hear you say that,” she says. “Look, I…need some help.”

“Wait, let me guess,” Cat says, tapping her finger against her chin, “it’s the day of love and _you_ completely forgot. Now you’re on the desperate dash to find something that won’t seem like you bought it this morning.”

Ellie groans and collapses onto one of the waiting chairs. “I’m fucked, aren’t I.” Cat laughs.

“It’s too bad Dina’s not the type of girl to appreciate you getting a tattoo of her name,” Cat muses, “because that would be easy.”

“Yeah, definitely not doing that,” Ellie mumbles. “Come on, you’ve got to have a better idea. You’re always bragging about all your ‘conquests’ or whatever.”

“Honestly, man,” Cat shrugs, picking up the pencil again and going back to whatever she was doodling, “just get flowers. Girls like flowers.”

“I’m a girl,” Ellie says, “I don’t really care about flowers.”

“You gonna take my advice or not?” Cat asks, raising a sharp eyebrow.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Ellie teases. She gets to her feet. “Thank you, I guess?” Cat waves her off, distracted by her drawing.

As Ellie opens the door, Cat calls out, “Hey, Ellie?”

“Yeah?” Ellie turns and leans up against the doorframe.

“I missed your face,” Cat says, not looking up from the counter.

“Who didn’t,” Ellie replies, and she smirks when she sees Cat shake her head. “See you around, man.”

The sun is blinding as it reflects off the snowbanks, the brightness a shock to Ellie’s eyes after the dim lighting in the tattoo parlour. There’s a florist in town, a few streets over, and Ellie starts walking in that direction. She pulls her headphones on, hitting shuffle on her phone and letting her music dictate her speed. A few people pass her by, each focused on their own shit.

The florist’s is a small hole-in-the-wall kind of shop. It’s easy to miss if you aren’t looking for it, especially in winter when the flowers have all been moved indoors. A bell rings above the door when Ellie enters, and a kindly-looking woman behind the counter greets her.

“Welcome, dear,” she says, her voice carrying the hint of an accent; Irish maybe? “Can I help you find anything?”

Ellie lets her headphones hang around her neck, and she walks up to the counter. “I uh, I’m hoping you have some flowers?” The woman looks at her, amused. Ellie flushes. “Like, maybe a bouquet or something? I uh, I forgot about Valentine’s day.”

“I think we have a few flowers around here somewhere,” the woman says, and Ellie wishes she could sink into the floor and never be seen again. “Is this for your mother?”

“No,” Ellie answers, maybe a bit too quickly, “no, it’s for...” She trails off. It’s the endless question, the eternal debate; does she take the chance that this seemingly nice woman won’t give a shit about her raging lesbianism? It’s not a one-horse town, but even a town with three horses can prove a bit risky. “It’s for my partner.”

The woman looks her up and down, and Ellie shoves her hands in her pockets. “Right, well, let’s see what I can do for you.” The woman disappears into the back room, leaving Ellie to look around the cramped shop. Different flowers are everywhere; hanging from the ceiling, vases resting precariously on rickety old tables, arrangements decorating the walls. There’s soft jazz playing somewhere. It feels like one of those places where time doesn’t dare try and reach its claws.

“Now, I don’t have a dozen red roses left,” the woman says, tottering back out from the other room, “but you don’t strike me as a particularly traditional girl.” Ellie looks at the flowers the woman holds in her hands. They’re colourful, and the arrangement is what her uneducated eye would call wild. Different plants and flowers cascade out, varying shade of purples and blues, yellow buds peeking out.

“It’s gorgeous,” Ellie mumbles.

“There’s a white lily as the centre,” the woman says, pointing at the one white flower. “Varying wildflowers, some buttercups of course, and a wee bit of lavender to fill it out.”

“I love it,” Ellie says. She fumbles around in her backpack, pulling out her wallet. “How much?”

The woman gently places the flowers on the counter. “Twenty dollars,” she says, writing an invoice. Ellie pulls out the cash, and a little more.

“Keep the change,” she says, before the woman can protest at all, “this is so beautiful and it was such short notice.”

“You’re too kind,” the woman says with a smile, and she pats Ellie’s hand. “I hope she loves the flowers.” Ellie gathers the bouquet up carefully, hiding her own smile behind it.

“I’m sure she will,” Ellie says. “Happy Valentine’s day.”

The woman repeats the sentiment, and Ellie exits the shop. The already bright day feels a little warmer, and there’s an extra bounce in Ellie’s step as she heads home.

\--

Dina gets home shortly after Ellie. As she kicks the door shut behind her, Ellie wraps her arms around Dina’s waist and pulls her in close, nuzzling into the crook of her neck.

“Happy Valentine’s day,” Ellie mutters into Dina’s skin, pressing kisses wherever she can.

Dina laughs, a hand sliding up the back of Ellie’s neck and into her hair. “Happy Valentine’s day to you, too.” Ellie’s hands go to the front of Dina’s jacket, unzipping it for her as she leaves playful bites down the side of her neck. She pushes the coat off Dina’s shoulders, grabbing her by the waist and pressing her up against the door.

The small moan that escapes Dina’s lips is all the incentive Ellie needs to start working on the buttons of the black blouse that is keeping her from Dina’s body.

“I thought you would be naked when I got home?” Dina asks, and Ellie hums.

“Change of plans,” Ellie mumbles, pulling back from Dina’s neck and taking a second to admire the small red marks she left behind. Without warning, Ellie slides her hands under Dina’s thighs and lifts, using the door to help keep her up. Dina squeaks at the sudden lift, her arms wrapping around Ellie’s neck.

“Jesus,” she says with a laugh, “someone’s been eating their Wheaties.” Ellie rolls her eyes and shuts Dina up with her lips, catching her lips already parted in a gasp and pressing her tongue into her mouth. Dina groans, her hips twitching unbidden against Ellie’s abdomen. Fingers twist into Ellie’s hair, another hand slides into the back of her t-shirt, trying desperately to press her closer. Dina’s teeth scrape Ellie’s tongue, their chests pressing together as they heave synchronized breaths.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Ellie mumbles, breathless as she pulls away. Dina pulls her back in, taking Ellie’s bottom lip between hers. Ellie’s knees feel weak at the way Dina’s teeth tug at her lip, biting just hard enough to find that line between pleasure and pain.

“You totally forgot about Valentine’s day,” Dina gasps, Ellie taking the opportunity to trail her lips across Dina’s clavicle.

“I got you flowers,” Ellie says, and Dina must look over her shoulder and sees the bouquet standing proudly in a dollar-store vase.

“I stand corrected,” Dina laughs, gently tugging Ellie’s hair and tilting her head, granting herself access to Ellie’s neck. Her tongue traces a line, her teeth take Ellie’s earlobe into her mouth. Ellie’s grip tightens under Dina’s legs, and the sound she makes is low and deep.

“Dina,” she groans. She can feel the satisfied little breath that Dina lets out, it’s warmth tickling the shell of her ear.

“You gonna take me to bed, or hurry up and fuck me against the door?”

It’s a miracle Ellie doesn’t drop her.

* * *

**_March 2017_ **

Ellie tries her best to ignore it all day. When she wakes Dina up with breakfast in bed, she ignores the way Dina is checking her phone every few minutes. When they’re cuddled up on the couch, gently trading slow kisses, she ignores how Dina’s eyes wander to blank phone on the coffee table.

She knows what Dina’s hoping for. It’s her birthday, and no matter how much Ellie tries to come up with fun activities and ways to distract, she knows Dina is desperately hoping her family will call.

It’s been three months of no contact with them. Dina had known that time and space were needed, she had seemed pretty accepting of that for the first few weeks. But slowly, as time passed and nothing came down the wire, Ellie could see the hope fading.

They go out to a bar for drinks with Dina’s friends. By proxy, Ellie supposes they’re her friends now too, but no one is there to talk to Ellie. Dina passes any surface inspection of engagement, seemingly jovial and charismatic as ever. But Ellie sees the way she keeps checking her phone under the table, how her smile isn’t quite reaching her eyes.

Sucking back her pride, and lack of interest in all things involving clubs, Ellie pulls Dina to the dancefloor. She does her goofiest moves, trying to pull one of her favourite belly-laughs from her girlfriend.

“You look ridiculous,” Dina says over the pumping music, leaning in close to Ellie’s ear.

“I know,” Ellie says, “but it’s kind of hot, right?”

Dina chuckles at that, wrapping her arms around Ellie’s neck and stepping into her space. “Thank you,” she says against Ellie’s ear.

“For what?” Ellie answers, her feet clumsily stumbling to the music.

“For today,” Dina says, kissing Ellie’s cheek, “for doing everything you can to make me happy.” She kisses Ellie’s nose.

“I’d do anything,” Ellie says, bumping their noses together, “to make you happy.”

Dina doesn’t say anything, just stretches her neck up and fits her lips to Ellie’s. It’s deep and slow, their bodies moving closer as their lips move together. Dina sighs as they part, their foreheads touching.

“Boo, no making out!” One of Dina’s friends says, dancing by and grabbing Dina’s arm. Ellie laughs as Dina spins away, her friends grouping around her in a dancing mob. Dina catches her eye through the crowd, and Ellie winks. There’s a flash of Dina’s smile, then there’s too many people between them. Ellie smiles to herself, weaving through the crowd to the booth they had claimed.

When they get home, much later that night, Ellie’s ears are ringing from the loud music. When Dina presses her into their mattress with desperate hands, she doesn’t resist. She ignores the taste of tears that taints their kisses, follows Dina’s every lead. Whatever she needs, anything she asks for, Ellie gives. There’s nothing in this world that could stop her.

The morning brings Dina a brutal hangover, and Ellie rubs her back as she empties her stomach into the toilet.

As she rinses her mouth out, Dina leans heavily on the counter, spitting water and traces of vomit into the sink. She splashes cold water on her face, and Ellie watches as Dina’s eyes trace her own reflection in the mirror.

“We can go lie down,” Ellie offers. Dina nods, spitting into the sink again.

“I thought they’d call,” she mumbles, so soft Ellie almost misses it. Ellie steps forward, putting a hand on Dina’s back. Dina hiccoughs, wiping her eyes. “I _really_ thought they’d call.”

“Hey,” Ellie gently takes Dina’s arms and turns her, pulling her against her chest. Dina burrows into Ellie’s shoulder, her hands tight fists in the material of Ellie’s cotton t-shirt. “I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picking up right where we left off, and then scooting on forward. This took time to write, and I think it's just about almost how I want it to be haha. Never satisfied, but you guys have waited long enough! 
> 
> Thank you for all the support, in every way. My twitch is still up, I'm doing a WHOLE play-through again because I'm messy like that. I've received such kind messages everywhere, and it means the world to me.
> 
> Another shout to ehefic (author of Jackson Days, go read and leave them a thousand kind words because it is DESERVED) for kicking my ass into writing this and letting me rant a million times. 
> 
> See you guys back here soon!


	13. June 2017 - August 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, she’s Boston drunk,” Dina says, looking at Jesse.
> 
> “This is a thing?” Jesse exclaims. “Why the fuck is the first time I’m getting to be hearing it, man?”
> 
> “It’s not a thing,” Ellie protests.

**_June 2017_ **

The gown is hot. It’s really hot, and the sun is beating down on Dina in a very uncomfortable way. Her foot taps impatiently as she peers over the shoulder of person in the line in front of her. The Dean is reading out names, polite clapping and some cheers from the gathered audience. The line inches forward.

Finally, after what feels like forever sweating away in the black gown, the Dean calls Dina’s name. She walks up onto the stage, the sun shining in her eyes. The Dean shakes her hand, congratulating her on finishing her degree. Dina smiles and from the back of the crowd she hears a familiar voice scream, “That’s my girl!”

Her heart skips a little, and her smile grows as she walks off the stage. Off the stage now, she lifts a hand against the sun and can see, way in the back, two familiar faces beaming out at her. She marches back to her seat, following the line.

The ceremony goes on and on, lots of talk about the future and the bright young people. It’s a lot of drivel, and Dina tunes out, staring up at the clear blue sky and watching the birds that fly overhead.

It hurts that her family isn’t here. Ellie and Joel are holding down the fort, and she’s thankful for their presence, but…it’s hard to accept that she might never see her family be supportive again. Dina knew this could be a result of her…everything, but there’s still part of her that is holding out for change. A part that probably always will.

Everyone around her stands, and Dina follows suit. The graduates file through the rows of chairs to triumphant music. As she passes by the back row, Dina sees Ellie and Joel giving her huge smiles and each holding out their two thumbs. It’s dumb and cheesy, but her chest swells with love. The line of graduates leads her through to a reception in a big open field, and Dina is quickly accosted by her classmates.

There’s some yelling, lots of hugging, and a little too much squealing for Dina’s taste. People snap selfies, they pose for pictures, and Dina keeps an eye out for Ellie. Finally, as Dina is being roped into another group selfie, she catches sight of her girlfriend.

To Dina, Ellie is hard to miss even in the most crowded of rooms. Today, her hair is loose and somewhat styled, a dark button-up shirt matched with a clean pair of black jeans and a thin tie. She looks uncomfortable, surrounded by so many strangers, but it’s impossible to miss the way her eyes light up when she spots Dina across the room. Dina watches her grab Joel’s arm and drag him through the crowd.

“Dina!” Ellie calls to her, as if Dina couldn’t notice her with her eyes closed. Dina steps away from her friends and gets swept up into Ellie’s arms. There’s a rare scent of a dark perfume on Ellie’s skin, and when Dina pulls back slightly, she sees a trace of eyeliner.

“You really got dressed up,” Dina says, and Ellie blushes. She’s cute.

“It’s not every day that you graduate,” Ellie says. “You wore heels. You’re almost taller than me.”

“Like you said,” Dina says with a grin, “it’s not every day that I graduate.” Ellie rolls her eyes and accepts the quick kiss Dina leaves on her lips. “Lipstick,” Dina says, explaining the brevity.

“It looks good,” Ellie says, low under her breath, and it’s that tone of voice that makes Dina weak at the knees.

“I know,” Dina answers with a goofy wink.

The clearing of a throat reminds them both that Joel is only a few feet away, staring off into the distance. Dina steps out of Ellie’s arms and goes over to the older man, wrapping him up in a big hug.

“Congratulations, Dina,” Joel says, gruff in his surprise at the hug.

“Thank you,” Dina says. The three of them stand in silence for a moment, before Joel takes out his phone and starts ordering them around into poses. There’s a lot of teasing as Ellie stands awkward and stiff, Dina having to position her arms for her, like Ellie is some sort of marionette. Joel groans good-naturedly when Ellie pulls him in for a selfie with the three of them.

Jesse shows up as Dina is handing back her gown, his faculty’s convocation being held that afternoon. He gives her a big hug, and she makes Ellie take a picture of them. Then Joel takes a picture of all three of them. Then another selfie. They all wish Jesse luck and congratulations before they pile into Joel’s truck to go find some lunch.

The diner is packed full of graduates and their families, all starving after the long morning. Doris spots Dina and somehow manages to find them a table – it pays to be nice to grumpy old women.

“This reminds me of a place I used to go to, when I was ‘round your age,” Joel muses.

“Back when everything was uphill and every day was a snowstorm?” Ellie teases. Joel narrows his eyes at her, glaring good-naturedly.

“You still wantin’ me to pay for this meal?” Joel says, and the way the banter flows between them makes Dina’s heart feel warm. She joins in where she can, teaming up with Joel to tease Ellie about ordering chicken tenders, making fun of the dean’s mispronunciation of multiple last names.

After the meal, Joel heads off to the B&B that he’s staying in, claiming he’s too old to keep up with them. It’s pretty clear to Dina that Ellie had told him to bug off at some point, keen to have Dina all to herself.

They don’t even make it back to their apartment before Dina’s hand is dangerously high on Ellie’s thigh as she drives. Ellie takes the road out of town, driving them up to the town’s infamous overlook. There aren’t any other cars here in the middle of the afternoon, and when Dina calls out Ellie’s name in the backseat, there’s only the trees to hear it.

“I’m really proud of you,” Ellie says into Dina’s hair, their limbs tangled together, bare skin sticking together in the cramped space.

“Why?” Dina asks. “You’re only a year away from graduating. It’s not like I did anything extraordinary.”

Ellie tilts Dina’s chin up with her index finger, their lips brushing. “Everything you do is extraordinary.”

Dina’s chest swells and she crosses the gap, fitting her lips to Ellie’s. She can taste herself on Ellie’s tongue, and the sigh that Ellie lets out is one of the most intoxicating sounds she’s ever heard.

“I love you,” Dina whispers into Ellie’s mouth. Ellie swallows it with a kiss, sweet and slow.

“I love you back,” she mumbles. Dina thread her fingers into Ellie’s hair and smiles.

It’s a moment that she wishes could last forever.

* * *

**_July 2017_ **

Ellie is really, _really_ drunk.

She’s the kind of drunk where one of her eyes has been squinted shut to help her see better for the last fifteen minutes.

That brand of drunk where her hands keep waving around, even if she’s not sure if she’s talking.

Like, she’s really drunk.

Jesse is sitting on the floor across from her, laughing at something. At her? Ellie shuts her left eye harder, but she can’t tell.

“Say it again,” Jesse gasps at her, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Say who?” Ellie asks.

“The fuckin’,” Jesse laughs, “the fuckin’ thing. The Boston thing.”

Ellie grins, and it feels lopsided. “ _Pahk the_ _cah_ _in Havahd_ _yahd_.”

Jesse collapses into a fit of belly laughs, clutching at his abdomen. “You sound fuckin’ cra-azy, man.”

“I sound fuckin’ normal,” Ellie slurs, fumbling with her fingers to flip Jesse off.

“How did I never know that you’re from fuckin’ _Boston_?” Jesse tries to sit up, grabbing his beer off the coffee table between them and taking a sip. Some dribbles down the side of his chin.

“I don’t know, yah never asked,” Ellie says, the ‘r’ falling off the end of ‘never’.

“I have never seen you this drunk,” Jesse says, leaning his elbows on the coffee table and squinting at Ellie. “I feel like I’ve made a discovery that like, _Oprah_ should hear about.”

“Wicked,” Ellie says, knocking over her beer. “Aw, fuck.” Very little liquid spills out, the can being mostly empty already.

“Dina is going to so pissed you’re so drunk at like, four in the PM,” Jesse teases her.

“Don’t tell her,” Ellie says, her eyes widening. “I’ll kick y’ass.”

“Dude,” Jesse reaches across the table and puts his hand over Ellie’s, “she’ll probably be able to tell.”

“Uh, I’m totally not that durnk,” Ellie protests.

“You just said ‘durnk’.”

“No, _you_ did.”

The sound of a key turning in the door makes both of them snap their heads to look at the door. It swings open and Dina comes in.

“Hi, babe,” Ellie says, and she’s _totally_ got this.

“Hey,” Dina says with a beaming smile. “Hi, Jesse.”

“Hello,” Jesse says, his voice weirdly stiff.

Dina looks at the two of them sitting on the floor, the empty cans scattered on the table. “You guys having a fun day?”

“Bettah now that yah here,” Ellie says with her most charming smile.

“Oh, she’s Boston drunk,” Dina says, looking at Jesse.

“This is a thing?” Jesse exclaims. “Why the fuck is the first time I’m getting to be hearing it, man?”

“It’s not a thing,” Ellie protests. Dina laughs and comes to sit beside Ellie, a cold beer in her hand. “Oh, thanks.” Ellie goes to grab it, and Dina pulls it away.

“You’ve had plenty,” she says, “this is for me.”

“Oh,” Ellie pouts. Dina rolls her eyes.

“So, did you guys do anything productive today, or did you just drink?” Dina asks, and Ellie watches as she takes a sip of her drink. The movement of her throat is distracting, and Ellie leans in, nuzzling her nose to the side of Dina’s neck. Dina gently pushes her back with one finger to her forehead.

“Jus’ drank,” Jesse says, draining his own beer. “Ellie, you wannanother?”

Ellie gives him a thumbs up. Jesse stands halfway, helping himself along with two hands on the couch as he steps over Dina’s legs.

“You havin’ a good day?” Ellie asks her girlfriend, scooting closer and draping her legs over Dina’s lap.

Dina smirks and taps Ellie on the tip of her nose. “Yes, I’m having a good day. Work was steady, no one yelled at me.” Ellie hums, leaning in and bumping the side of her nose against Dina’s. Dina sighs and delivers on the kiss Ellie is gunning for. Her lips taste sweet like sugar and bitter like beer. It’s delicious. Ellie kisses her back with force, pressing against her so Dina’s back hits the couch as Ellie’s tongue finds its way between Dina’s lips.

“Y’ taste good,” Ellie says when they part. Dina’s cheeks are pink, and Ellie’s thumbs smooth over the flushed skin.

“You taste like you did shots,” Dina replies. Ellie grins.

“Jameson,” Ellie says. Dina snorts at the cheeky wiggle Ellie’s eyebrows.

“You’re tanked,” Dina says with a fond smile, tilting her head and leaving a kiss on the inside of Ellie’s wrist.

“Heads up!”

Ellie looks up just in time to have a can bounce off her shoulder. “Fuckin’ wicked throw, jackass.” She picks up the can, and it starts overflowing as she opens it. Ellie attaches her lips to it, trying to suck up as much of the alcohol as possible. Some spills onto her hands and Dina’s jeans.

“You coulda caught it,” Jesse retorts, flopping heavily onto the couch. His own beer is already open, and he sucks back a long drink. “We should go for a walk, like, right now.”

“You two are going absolutely nowhere,” Dina says. “No way am I being responsible for both your drunk asses.”

“She’s so mean,” Jesse groans, “Ellie, make her nice.”

“Close yah eyes, then,” she tells him.

“Ew,” he says, “never mind.”

“You’re both way too drunk,” Dina says, shaking her head and chuckling. “It’s not even five.”

“Better to get day drunk,” Ellie says, her head falling to rest against Dina’s shoulder.

“No hangover in the morning,” Jesse mumbles.

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Dina says.

Ellie hums, breathing in deep the smell of Dina’s skin. It smells like the bakery she works at, like pastries and bread and that unique _Dina_ smell that Ellie can never get enough of.

“We should go make out,” Ellie says, her voice husky.

“That’s not happening,” Dina laughs, “you’re so drunk you’ll probably throw up in my mouth.”

“Maybe,” Ellie says, shrugging, “but it would be worth it.”

“It absolutely would _not_ be worth it,” Dina corrects her. “Jesse, you okay up there?”

Jesse just makes a sort of grumbling noise, and Ellie peeks up at him. He’s got his head over the back of the couch, the half-empty beer resting precariously on the couch. Dina reaches up and takes it, putting it on the coffee table.

“Okay, I’m calling it,” Dina says. With a bit of finagling, she gets Ellie to her feet and sits her at the small dining table. A glass of water is placed in front of her, and Ellie frowns.

“’m _fine_ ,” Ellie insists.

“Say ‘Harvard’ for me,” Dina challenges.

“Ha-havahd,” Ellie stumbles.

“Drink the water, Wahlberg.”

Ellie sighs, taking the glass in her hands and taking short sips, having trouble keeping her breath. She can vaguely register Dina helping Jesse to lie down on the couch, a garbage can placed at his head.

“I finished my water,” Ellie calls out when her glass is empty. Dina comes over and pats her on the top of her head. She takes the glass and Ellie groans when she hears the tap running again.

“Four more of these and then I’m making you go lie down,” Dina instructs.

“What’s my prize?” Ellie asks, taking a big sip. Water lines her top lip like a moustache.

“An easier hangover at eleven tonight,” Dina answers.

“I want kisses,” Ellie says.

“Of course you do,” Dina sighs. “Fine. Finish all the water I give you, and I’ll let you make out with me for like…five minutes.”

“Ten.”

“Seven.”

“Six.”

“You’re really bad at negotiating.”

“At what?”

* * *

**_August 2017_ **

“Ellie, have you seen my running shoes?” Dina calls from the small closet by the front door. Ellie pokes her head out the bedroom.

“Check behind the vacuum,” Ellie replies.

“You vacuumed?”

“Uh,” Ellie goes back into the bedroom and pulls on a baseball cap, grimacing at her reflection, “I may or may not have dropped a big bag of tortilla chips and then accidentally crushed them while I tried to pick them up.”

She hears Dina laugh from the closet. Ellie sighs and looks at her pale legs sticking out from her athletic shorts. How did she let Dina talk her into this?

“Found ‘em!” Dina shouts, and she comes hopping into the bedroom as she pulls one on. She looks very cute in her half-length leggings, one of Ellie’s raglans hanging from her frame in all the right ways. The baseball cap on her head is slightly askew, her ponytail bouncing with her every movement. “You ready?”

Ellie shrugs and rolls up the sleeves of her own raglan. “I just want to remind you that I hate all team sports,” she says, “and that I don’t play well with others.” Dina rolls her eyes and hugs Ellie from behind, her chin resting on Ellie’s shoulder as they look in the mirror.

“You play well with me,” Dina mutters, turning to press a kiss to the side of Ellie’s neck. Ellie smirks.

“True,” she says, turning in Dina’s arms and draping her arms over Dina’s shoulders, “so why don’t we just stay home and do what we’re good at?” With a pump of her eyebrows, Ellie leans in and fits her lips to Dina’s, the other girl’s lips parting as she inhales. Ellie licks into Dina’s mouth, pressing herself as tight Dina’s body as she can.

When they pull apart, Dina sighs in a very satisfied way. “Okay,” she says, “you’re making some really good points.” Ellie grins, kissing her girlfriend again. Dina’s hands slip up the back of Ellie’s shirt, blunt nails scratching lightly at the small of Ellie’s back.

“Who needs a whole team,” Ellie mumbles against Dina’s lips. She feels Dina smile, and Ellie turns them, aiming Dina’s back at the unmade bed.

“Stop trying to distract me,” Dina says as her legs hit the edge of the mattress. “I promised Astrid we would sub.” Ellie shrugs, pushing Dina down onto the bed and crawling on top of her.

“I didn’t make any promises,” Ellie says, nipping at Dina’s earlobe and drawing out a whimper from her lips. Dina’s legs wrap around her waist and pull her down, their lower halves pressing together. The brim of Dina’s baseball cap keeps bumping Ellie’s forehead when she tries to lean in. “You look cute in this, but it’s cramping my style.”

“The hat is trying to tell you to get off me so we can go help a friend out.” Dina props herself up on her elbows, purposefully butting Ellie in the forehead with the brim of her cap.

“Ow,” Ellie mutters, rubbing at her forehead. “Fine,” she breaks free from the lock of Dina’s legs and stands, “we’ll go play a dumb sport in the stupid sun.”

“You’re such a good sport,” Dina teases, patting Ellie’s butt as she pushes off the bed and heads out of the room. Ellie sticks her discarded baseball cap in her mouth as she gathers her hair into a small bun at the back of her head.

They pile into Ellie’s car, Dina directing the way to the field outside of town. It’s hardly more than a dirt field, the summer having been unseasonably dry. The dead grass is yellow or just nonexistent in some patches, the pitcher’s mound a pile of dust. Dina takes Ellie’s hand and leads her over the group of people gathered at one side of the fence.

“Hey, Astrid!” Dina calls out with a wave. A tall girl, her blonde hair shaved on the sides, a puff of it sticking out under her backwards cap, turns and smiles at two girls approaching.

“Dina, you made it,” Astrid says, with a wide smile. “You must be Ellie. Dina never shuts up about you.”

Ellie gives her an awkward smile, “All bad, I hope.” Astrid laughs at that, and she takes them over to the team. It’s a real patchwork of people, but Ellie can count at least six people she’s pretty sure are some form of gay women.

There’s a brief explanation of the league rules for Dina and Ellie, and they’re handed some gloves. Ellie jams her hand in the glove, flexing her hand. She remembers playing some form of baseball/softball in the group homes. It was a game with easy, cheap equipment that could get the kids outside. If memory serves her correctly, she spent most of those games slacking off in the dugout with Riley and passing their turns at bat.

“Ellie, you can take left out,” Astrid says, and Ellie nods. “Dina, centre left.”

“Sure thing, coach,” Dina says, a big grin on her face. Astrid breaks the little huddle, and Ellie pulls the brim of her cap down lower against the intense evening sun. Following Dina’s lead, she walks out to the field.

“Wait, whose left?” Ellie calls to Dina, who is jogging up ahead of her.

“My left,” Dina says, turning and waving her hand. Ellie trudges her way to the position. Dina is busy punching the inside of her glove, and Ellie looks at her own hands. Is that what people do? She tries it, and immediately feels like a bit of a dick.

“This is so dumb,” Ellie mutters to herself, watching the batter for the other team come up to home plate. There’s a crack when the bat strikes the ball. It doesn’t get anywhere near Ellie, for which she’s very grateful, and she wishes that she’d thought to stick a drink somewhere in her pockets.

By halfway through the game, Ellie has decided that softball is the most boring sport that has ever been invented. She’s touched the ball twice, both times too late to do anything useful with it. When she’d had her turn at bat, she’d struck out hard.

Possibly she hates softball because she’s not good at it, but Ellie plans on sticking to her guns.

Dina seems to be having a great time, chatting with their temporary teammates and running to catch balls and throwing them around and stuff. She looks pretty hot, Ellie will admit that. A light sheen of sweat sparkles on her temples, and she’s got a smile from ear to ear when they break for water. Ellie lurks at the edges of the group, leaning on the fencing and sipping from the bottle Dina had told her to bring. She doesn’t feel like she’s exercised at all, but the sun is still high enough in the sky to have her feeling sticky in her clothes.

Ellie watches Dina laugh with the team, and she smiles softly to herself when Dina starts telling a story. Dina knows how to command the attention of a group of people; it’s natural for her to draw attention. She’s magnetic, her hands waving around as she speaks, and Ellie can’t help the little smidgen of jealousy that sparks up in her chest when Dina’s done telling her story and some girl with strong-looking arms touches Dina’s shoulder as she passes by.

“Hey,” Dina comes and stands in front of her, taking the water and taking a sip. Her hand slides over Ellie’s shoulder. “Are you having fun?”

“So much,” Ellie says, and she tries not to sound too sarcastic. Dina rolls her eyes and her hand cups Ellie’s jaw, bringing her head down so that she can take Ellie’s lips with her own, navigating the brims of their hats. It’s short and sweet. “More fun now.”

“You’re incorrigible,” Dina says with a laugh. “You should talk to some people, babe. They’re all so nice.”

“They’re nice to you because you’re nice,” Ellie says, and Dina frowns.

“I think you’re nice,” Dina says, stepping in close, the tips of their hats touching.

“Yeah, I like you,” Ellie says, “so I’m nice to you.”

“How do you know if you like them or not,” Dina asks, “if you’ve never talked to them?” Ellie groans and tilts her head back against the fence. Dina grips her chin and pulls her head back, fixing her with a stern look. “Hey. I know you’re not a people person, and I love you just the same. But do you think you could try. For me?”

Ellie huffs and nods, accepting the lingering kiss Dina presses to her bottom lip. “For you.”

Luckily, Ellie gets stuck back out in the far reaches of the field, nice and far away from having to make small talk. Dina gets put on second base, much to her pleasure. Ellie watches her chat with the other team when they’re stuck on base. Ellie fiddles with her glove, kicking up dust with her ratty sneakers.

She knows she’s not the friendliest person in the world, and who can blame her? Her formative years were spent in group homes, stuck with a bunch of other kids who had their own host of issues. Socialization wasn’t exactly a strong suit of hers; being too chatty and weird would get your ass beat pretty quick with some of the bigger kids.

But it sucks when her own antisocial tendencies alien her. The strong “don’t fuck with me” vibe that she spent years curating is working against her now that she’s out in the real world and realizing that maybe she should start making…friends.

Especially when she can see how her lack of interest in connections is in direct conflict with Dina’s extroversion.

The team goes to the pub nearby for post-game drinks. Ellie sits squished between Dina and a girl who has her hair dyed purple – Hannah? Hayley? Heather?

“So, Ellie, what do you do?” Hermione asks her. Ellie swallows the sip of beer she just took.

“I’m still finishing my undergrad,” Ellie answers, “in physics.”

“Shit, that sounds crazy,” Helen says. “What are you gonna do with that?”

Dina’s hand settles on Ellie’s shaking knee. “I, uh, I’m not sure.” Ellie taps her fingers on the glass she’s clutching. “I like space. I’ll probably look into getting my masters, it’s hard to do much with just a B.Sc. in any serious field.”

“Damn, Dina,” Hillary leans around Ellie, Dina’s head turning to see what she’s being complimented on, “your girl sounds smart.”

“The smartest,” Dina agrees, and Ellie hopes the heat in her cheeks isn’t visible. There’s the brush of Dina’s lips on the hinge of her jaw. “Ellie, Henna runs an open-mic night. Henna, Ellie is a really good singer and guitar player.”

“No way,” Henna says, topping off Ellie’s beer from the pitcher, “what kind of stuff do you sing?”

Ellie kicks Dina under the table. “Kind of just what I feel like.” Henna nods, and Ellie can feel the conversation dying. “Do you, uh, sing?”

“I do, yeah,” Henna says with a smile, “I play a few instruments as well. You should come by the open-mic sometime. We’re always looking for new people to spice the night up.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ellie says, and Henna starts telling her all about it.

Ellie has to admit she starts having more fun as the night goes on – possibly something to do with the speed at which the beer flows. Dina had offered to be the DD, knowing that between the two of them, Ellie needed the social lubrication more. It definitely helps, and Ellie finds herself weaving in and out of a few conversations. Dina is warm against her side, and at some point Ellie grows bold enough to wrap her arm around Dina’s shoulders, pulling her even closer. There’s a fair amount of teasing from the table, causing Ellie to blush and Dina to laugh. Later, in the parking lot, Ellie types her number in Henna’s phone, promising to at least come out and watch an open-mic night.

“You made a friend,” Dina teases her, kissing the tip of her nose before they get in the car.

“Shut up,” Ellie mumbles, “it’s all your fault.”

Dina laughs and starts the engine, pulling out of the parking lot. “Thank you, for being such a good sport today.”

“I did terrible at sports,” Ellie corrects her.

“Are you actually drunk?” Dina laughs, her face highlighted as they pass under streetlamps.

“Definitely on the drunk side of tipsy,” Ellie admits, “those people have a pretty free-flowing attitude.”

“Well, I’m glad you had some fun,” Dina says. Ellie hums and nods.

“All that sun made me so tired though,” Ellie says, yawning.

“Booze probably didn’t help much.”

Ellie shrugs and stretches her arm out, resting it on the back of Dina’s seat. “Will you make me toast when we get home?”

“Dude, you’re not that drunk,” Dina laughs, “make your own toast.”

“You’re so much better at it,” Ellie tries, and Dina reaches over and smacks her thigh.

“If you think toast takes any skill, you’re crazy,” Dina says. Ellie sighs dramatically, her fingers playing with the end of Dina’s ponytail.

They get home and Ellie pulls Dina into the shower with her, claiming she needs help washing her back. Dina puts up very little resistance, and the tiles of the shower are cold on Ellie’s back when they hold her up. No toast is made, all thoughts of food lost in Ellie’s mind as she attaches her lips to Dina’s skin, dropping to her knees in the shower, thumbs pressing into the soft skin of Dina’s hips. There’s a moment when Ellie thinks she nearly drowns, forgetting where they are and moving back to catch her breath but instead catching a mouthful of shower water. Dina laughs at her, turning the water off and dragging her by the wrist to their bed, and Ellie picks up where she left off.

Lying together later, their limbs tangled and damp hair spread across the pillow they’re sharing, Ellie traces the line of scar tissue on Dina’s lower belly. 

“You’ve never told me about this,” Ellie says, Dina’s muscles fluttering under her touch.

Dina hums, cracking an eye open and looking as where Ellie’s fingers dance across her skin. “Oh. It’s just a scar.”

“It’s a pretty big scar,” Ellie says, turning on her side and holding her head up with a bent arm.

“I had to have my spleen removed,” Dina says, reaching a hand into Ellie’s hair and pull her lips down to hers. Ellie leans into the kiss.

“You got your spleen removed?” Ellie asks, the words registering a bit late with the distraction of Dina’s tongue.

“Yeah,” Dina says, bumping their noses together, silently asking for another kiss. Ellie gives it to her, tugging at her bottom lip. “It was from the accident. With my parents.”

“Wait, you were in the accident?” Ellie pulls back a bit and looks at Dina.

Dina nods. “I hadn’t told you that?”

“No, fuck,” Ellie says, her eyebrows tugging together. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah,” Dina shrugs, “I don’t know. I don’t like talking about it. I came out pretty unharmed, overall.”

Ellie thinks that’s just like Dina, minimizing her own pain and trauma in the shadows of everyone else’s.

“What happened?” Ellie asks.

“A piece of the door stuck in me,” Dina says, her fingers still in Ellie’s hair.

“Baby,” Ellie mumbles, lying down and pressing her forehead to Dina’s temple, “that sounds awful.”

“I don’t remember much of it, honestly,” Dina says, “I was pretty young. I remember the days after, but the actual accident is a blur. Probably for the best.”

Ellie nods, leaving a long kiss on Dina’s cheek. “You’re pretty tough, y’know?”

“I know,” Dina says, turning on her side to face Ellie. They shuffle closer together, intertwined and breathing each other in. “Nothing could have stopped me from finding you, I think.”

“Yeah?” Ellie feels breathless, and Dina nods.

“You know when things just feel…inevitable?” Dina’s fingers drift across Ellie’s shoulder blades. “That’s how you feel. Like there’s no universe where we wouldn’t be together.”

Ellie surges forward and kisses Dina, deep and full, their bare skin pressing together as their tongues slide together. The sound of their heavy breathing fills the room, and there’s a small whimper that comes from Ellie, or maybe from Dina.

“I love you so much,” Ellie whispers as they pull apart.

“Me too,” Dina answers, soft, “so much.”

“I never want to lose you,” Ellie says, and Dina breathes it in.

“Good.”

Ellie wakes up with a splash of sun across her eyes, her head tucked into the back of Dina’s neck and their hands still clasped together, pressed to Dina’s heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waiting is over! Just 5k words of good old fashioned fluff and a little bit of love-resolved angst. 
> 
> As always, thank you to all of you wonderful people for reading and commenting and kudos-ing(?). It means the world to me. I'm anticipating 3-4 more chapters for this story.
> 
> If you're into this kind of nonsense, come hang out on twitch (@breezered), we have a really good time and everyone who signs in is great fun!
> 
> You all rock my world. Thank you a thousand times!


	14. October 2017 - April 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were taking up the whole bed.”
> 
> “Doesn’t sound like me,” Dina says as she straightens herself out on the mattress and lies back down.

**_October 2017_ **

“Stop fiddling,” Dina says, swatting at where Ellie’s hands are tugging at the loop of her tie.

“It’s too tight,” Ellie hisses, “it’s like a fucking noose.”

“Too bad,” Dina answers, grabbing Ellie’s hands and pulling them into her lap. Ellie huffs and slumps in the pew, staring at the stained glass at the end of the church. Rain is hammering against it, and she thinks a rainy wedding day is penance for forcing guests to dress up in monkey suits.

“How long is this going to take?” Ellie mumbles, and Dina sighs.

“You’re like a small child,” she scolds, “just chill.”

“I’m _bored_ ,” Ellie says. She turns her head and looks Dina up and down. The high neck of her dark red dress is lace, and Ellie thinks it’s unfair to someone can look so beautiful in such an effortless way. Her hair is pulled up into a fancy updo, the shorts strands by her ears curling naturally.

“You’re staring,” Dina says, and then she turns to look at Ellie and smiles.

“You look pretty,” Ellie says with a shrug. Ellie’s heart skips at the way Dina’s grin pushes her cheeks up and a pretty shade of pink blooms on the skin there. Sitting up straight, Ellie leans over and leaves a long kiss at the corner of Dina’s jaw.

“I know,” Dina says. Ellie opens her mouth to retort, but then music starts up and everyone rises to their feet. Dina and Ellie follow suit, looking to the back of the church as the doors open.

It’s a beautiful ceremony, and Ellie really hopes Dina doesn’t notice her subtle attempts at wiping the tears from the corner of her eye. She thinks Dina probably does, because a warm arm wraps around her waist, and Dina’s head leans on her shoulder. Ellie’s stomach flips, her heart grows three sizes, all that cheesy shit as she watches the bride and groom swear to love each other forever. There’s a moment where she looks at Dina, who is doing nothing to hide the tears that leak slowly from her eyes, and Ellie feels the fullness inside of herself.

Later that night, Ellie leans against the bar at the reception, sipping a whiskey. Dina is out on the dance floor with her friends; the bride was a former classmate of hers, and their cohort is all laughing and dancing together like it’s another college party. The band is playing something fast and twangy, and Ellie smiles into her glass as she watches Dina twirl around, more dark strands falling around her face from her carefully placed updo.

Ellie remembers the first night they hung out, how she’d danced beside this dream of a girl and felt her entire self be pulled into Dina’s atmosphere. She’d felt powerless against it, she’d known she didn’t stand a chance.

She can pick Dina’s laugh out over the crowd and the music, and it sends her chest into flutters.

The music changes. It’s slow and sweet, and Ellie watches Dina walk over to her.

“You look so lonely,” Dina says, taking Ellie’s drink and downing it.

Ellie doesn’t know how to explain that whenever Dina’s in the room, she’s never lonely.

Instead she puts a hand on Dina’s hip and gently presses her forward until their lips meet, soft and warm.

“You wanna dance with me?” Ellie asks, and Dina’s smile is like the sun.

“I thought you’d never ask.” Dina puts the glass on the bar behind Ellie and takes her hand, leading her out to the dance floor.

Dina guides Ellie’s hands to her lower back, and her own arms wrap loosely around Ellie’s neck. They sway slightly, and Ellie follows Dina’s lead.

Ellie looks around them, at the couples populating the dance floor, at the family and friends sitting at their tables. Dina leans in, the heat of her cheek right next to Ellie’s.

“Is this what you want?” Ellie asks, and Dina’s head turns just a little, just enough for the tip of her nose to brush Ellie’s skin.

“What?” She asks, her breath warm on Ellie’s ear.

“A big wedding,” Ellie asks, and her stomach fills with agitated butterflies.

Dina pulls back, her nose an inch away from Ellie’s. Her eyes are wide, dark, and Ellie feels lost in them already.

“What do _you_ want?” Dina asks.

Ellie shrugs and leans her forehead against Dina’s, breathing her in. She smells like perfume and sweat, heady and intoxicating. “ _You._ ”

Dina kisses her then, and Ellie’s stomach tugs on a hook, her hands smoothing out against the fabric of Dina’s dress.

The world fades around her, and everything is Dina.

* * *

**_December 2017_ **

Dina sits in the armchair in Joel’s living room, curled up with a mug of steaming tea. The candles of the menorah in the window are lit, their glow the only light in the room. Snow is falling slow and steady outside, the flickering streetlamp casting a thin highlight on the street.

Her phone sits silent on the coffee table.

She felt like an idiot. Eight days of trying to keep her expectations realistic, of trying to stay positive. Ellie had done everything to try and make the holiday special for Dina, even cooking some truly awful latkes and reciting sloppy Hebrew.

It was so lovely of her.

But now, nearing the end of the holidays, Dina lets herself sink into her disappointment. It’s frustrating, and she feels slighted by the universe, or God, or whoever is really up there making this shit happen.

Ellie had gone upstairs to bed, picking up on Dina’s desire to be alone, because of _course_ Ellie knows by now when Dina just needs a minute.

She watches the candles burn with her head full of memories.

Every holiday had been much livelier before the accident.

That was how Dina used to divide up her life; there was before the accident, and after.

Before, things had been full of life. Music played in the kitchen at all hours, her mother would laugh as Dina’s father would spin her into his arms. Dina would watch them with wide eyes, thinking that _this_ is what love is, this is how it’s supposed to be. Even at seven, eight, nine years old, Dina knew that was what she wanted. Talia would pretend to be grossed out when their parents would share a sweet kiss. Her mother’s smile would light up the room. Her father’s laughter was louder than any monster under the bed.

After, it was like the beating heart of their family had been ripped out. The years of adjustment, of getting used to this new normal. Her mother didn’t, _couldn’t_ dance anymore. There was no laughter over breakfast, no music during lunch. Dina remembers hearing Talia’s sobs from the room across the hall at night, and she would run her fingers over the newly raised tissue on her hip. Ten is too young to remember, too old to forget.

Now…now, Dina doesn’t know where to divide her life anymore. Is it the accident that changed everything? Was it Ellie? Was it just Dina?

The candles are down to little stumps now, the flames still persisting and hanging on.

Dina hears footsteps behind her, and she looks to the doorway.

Joel stands there, a mug in his hands. “Mind if I join you?”

Dina nods, turning in the chair to face where he sits on the couch.

“Thank you again,” she says, “for welcoming me here.”

“It’s nothin’,” Joel says. Dina thinks that’s very _Ellie_ of him, brushing aside his own kindness like that.

“It means a lot,” Dina says, and Joel offers her a small smile, mostly hidden behind his beard.

“You’re always welcome here, Dina,” Joel says, and Dina’s chest warms. “You’re family.”

His words soak into her skin, and her eyes well up with tears. She tries to sniff them back, blink them away, but a few escape down her cheeks anyways.

“Sorry,” Dina says, trying to laugh it off, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry.”

“No need to be sorry,” Joel reassures her, and Dina gives him a watery smile. The room is still dark, and she realises maybe he wouldn’t have even known she was crying.

They sit in the silence, both slowly sipping their drinks.

“You know,” Joel’s voice cuts the silence gently, “my old man and I, we had a falling out.”

“You did?” Dina watches the faint outline of Joel’s profile.

“Sure,” Joel says, “he wanted me to stay home, help him with the farm. I didn’t want that, so I went and joined the marines. Tommy followed suit.” Joel scratches at his beard. “He blamed me for that. For him having to sell that land.”

“I’m sorry,” Dina says.

“Nah,” Joel chuckles and leans back against the cushions, “he was a miserable old coot.” He lets out a short sigh. “It didn’t make it easier, him cutting me off, but…it was good to know where I finally stood.”

Dina can’t answer, her throat too tight. She takes a sip of her tea, the liquid lukewarm now.

“You’ve always got a place here,” Joel says, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“Thank you,” Dina says, her voice choked. Joel nods and stands.

“Well, I’m beat,” he says. He looks at Dina, and the faint light from outside highlights the lines on his face. “Get a good sleep, kid.”

Dina bids him goodnight, and once he’s gone, she puts the mug down and wipes her eyes on her sleeves.

The last candle reaches the end of its wick, and Dina watches as it slowly extinguishes itself. She stands and shuts the curtains, turning away from the menorah and heading upstairs to where her girlfriend is waiting for her.

Maybe there’s no before, and no after. Dina climbs into bed next to Ellie and presses up against her back, breathing her in. Ellie stirs and turns in Dina’s arms, snuggling into her and pressing the cold tip of her nose to Dina’s neck.

Dina smiles and drifts her lips across Ellie’s forehead.

“I love you,” she whispers.

Ellie hums and burrows closer. “Love you.”

Dina’s hands grip the fabric of Ellie’s t-shirt, their legs tangling together.

Maybe there’s just right now.

* * *

**_April 2018_ **

Ellie wakes up with hair in her mouth. She blinks her eyes open and wipes away Dina’s hair from her mouth. Dina is diagonal in their bed, and before Ellie can think it through, she rolls over and falls off the side of the bed with a thump.

“What’s happening, who’s hurt?” Dina sits up, eyes flying open as the blanket falls around her waist.

“Me,” Ellie says, pulling herself up on the side of the bed, “you were taking up the whole bed.”

“Doesn’t sound like me,” Dina says as she straightens herself out on the mattress and lies back down. Ellie rolls her eyes and stands, rubbing at the small line of dried drool on her cheek.

“You want breakfast?” Ellie asks, grabbing a pair of sweats and pulling them on.

“I want to go back to sleep,” Dina grumbles.

Ellie laughs and climbs onto the bed. She crawls over to Dina and hovers above her. Dina cracks an eye and at glares at her.

“You’re too chipper,” Dina mumbles, pulling the blankets up over her head.

“Come on,” Ellie says, leaning down and kissing the bit of Dina’s head that sticks out from the blankets, “I’ll make you anything you want.”

Dina lowers the blankets. “Anything?”

“Sure,” Ellie says, “like, I’m really good at scrambling eggs now. Uh, toast is always on offer.”

Dina stretches her arms up from under the covers and tangles her fingers in Ellie’s messy hair. “How about something else?”

“Um,” Ellie’s eyes flit down to Dina’s lips, “like what?”

“I’m sure you can think of something,” Dina says, and Ellie’s eyes widen as she picks up on Dina’s meaning.

“ _Oh_ ,” she says, and then a wolfish grin breaks out across her lips. “Yeah, I can think of a few things.”

Dina kicks the blankets to the end of the bed, and Ellie doesn’t waste any time hooking her fingers under the band of Dina’s underwear and tugging the fabric down, tossing it aside. Dina’s legs fall open and Ellie shuffles down the bed.

Dina’s hands grip Ellie’s hair as she presses her tongue to wet warmth, and Ellie feels every inch of her own body react to the sounds Dina makes.

It doesn’t take long before Dina falls apart into Ellie’s mouth, her thighs tightening around Ellie’s shoulders as she tenses and shakes. There’s a moment before it’s over and after it’s done, where their eyes meet across the planes of Dina’s body, and the darkness that Ellie sees makes her feel like it’s her that just came.

“That’s a good appetizer,” Ellie teases, wiping her mouth with the hem of her t-shirt. Dina laughs, breathless with flushed cheeks.

“I thought I was a full meal?” Dina shoots back, and Ellie flops down beside her.

“You’re so weird,” she says through a laugh, turning at looking at the woman beside her.

“I’m aware,” Dina answers, leaning over and kissing Ellie firmly with sealed lips.

“Any chance I get some breakfast?” Ellie asks, and Dina smirks.

“You want some of this?” Dina gestures at herself with wiggling eyebrows.

“Actually, I was thinking maybe you could whip up some pancakes?”

The punch that lands on her shoulder is worth it.

\--

Later that afternoon, as Ellie studies for her astrophysics exam and Dina is at work, a knock sounds on the door. Ellie waits, hoping whoever it is will just go away, but the knock comes again, louder this time. With a heavy sigh, Ellie puts her computer to the side and stands from the dining table.

She opens the door to dark eyes set behind thick glasses.

“Talia?” Ellie takes a step back in surprise.

“Hi,” Talia says, holding a large plastic container in front of her.

“Uh,” Ellie tries to form a sentence, “what – what are you doing here?”

“It’s Passover,” Talia says, like that’s supposed to explain everything. “I brought Dina some leftovers, from seder.” She holds out the container to Ellie, who reaches out and takes it, still trying to piece together what’s happening.

“Dina’s at work,” she says.

“Oh,” Talia’s fingers fiddle with the end of her braid, “I didn’t know.”

_No shit you didn’t know_.

“Yeah, she’ll be back around five,” Ellie says.

“Would it be okay if I came in and waited?” Talia asks. Ellie shrugs, stepping aside and letting her in. “Thank you.”

Ellie puts the container in the fridge as Talia hangs up her coat and takes off her shoes. The older girl stands in the entryway like she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“You can, like, sit down,” Ellie says. Talia offers her a stifled smile, walking over to the small couch and sitting there, back still ramrod straight. Ellie pulls a dining chair over and sits on it backwards, leaning on the backrest.

“How have you been?” Talia asks.

“Super,” Ellie answers. It’s starting to sink in now, that Talia is _here_ and she’s looking for Dina. A thousand possibilities run through Ellie’s mind about her intentions. Has she come to take Dina back? Is there a van outside with a bunch of buff dudes, ready to kidnap Dina and force her into a life of heterosexual marriage and babies?

Is it possible that Talia managed to pull her head all the way out of her ass, and is here to apologise?

“How is…” Talia trails off, and Ellie narrows her eyes.

“Dina’s fine,” Ellie says, “not that you care.”

“I care,” Talia snaps. “You know, you don’t get to judge our family. You have _no_ idea what any of this means for us.”

“I know what it means to Dina,” Ellie spits back, “I know how fucking _distraught_ she’s been. A whole fucking year with her family pretending she doesn’t exist will do that.”

Talia doesn’t seem to have an answer, just stares ahead at the wall across the room. Ellie can feel anger like a hot iron in her stomach. She wants to grab Talia and shake her, shove sense into her and yell at her, make her understand how much of a fucking asshole she is.

“You know,” the words tumble out of Ellie’s mouth before she can give them a second thought, “I don’t have any sisters, or brothers. But now I’m fucking glad I don’t. Clearly all that ‘blood is thicker than water’ bullshit is just that – bullshit.”

“How would you know?” Talia counters. “If you have no siblings, how do you think you even have a _fraction_ of an idea how any of this works?” Talia laughs, sharp and cruel. “You don’t know shit, Ellie. Dina is my baby sister. I almost lost her once, and losing her to this, to you…” Talia trails off and shakes her head. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“Actually, pretty sure you do,” Ellie says. “I love Dina more than anything, and you hurt her. So talk, or I’ll throw you out of this apartment before you can say ‘bigot’.”

Talia holds her gaze, her face betraying no emotion, but her eyes full of fire. Ellie steadies her own glare.

“Nothing is black and white,” Talia says, “and I’ve been…I haven’t always been the best sister, okay? I’m not like Dina, I’m not good and open like her. I know my truths, or I thought I did. And then Dina brings you home, and she tells us she _loves_ you?” Talia shakes her head and leans forward onto her knees. “You don’t understand what it’s like, to love someone and watch them make these decisions that you _know_ are wrong, are…sin.”

“Love isn’t wrong,” Ellie says.

“I know,” Talia says, and she sounds exhausted. “Hate me for it, I don’t care. It isn’t instantaneous for everyone, learning to accept. To love. That’s why I’m here, okay? It took me too long, but I’m here and I’m trying.” Ellie watches as Talia pulls at the ends of her sleeves, tucking them over her knuckles. “I’m here to try.”

Ellie stares at her, trying to see if there’s a lie in her words, if her face betrays an ulterior motive.

“Okay,” Ellie finally relents.

“Okay?”

“I still don’t like you,” Ellie says, “but if you’re really here for Dina, then…fuck it, I’m not her keeper.”

Talia smiles then, small and easy to miss.

“Thank you,” she says. Ellie shrugs.

“I’m still ready to fuck you up, just so we’re clear,” Ellie says.

“That’s fine,” Talia says.

“Good.” Ellie clears her throat and taps her toes on the wooden floor. “I’m going to keep studying, but…make yourself comfortable.” Ellie stands and brings the chair back to the table. She pulls her headphones on, turning up her music and doing her best to forget about the woman on her couch.

When Dina comes home, Ellie watches as a myriad of emotions travel across Dina’s face as her eyes land on Talia. Dina seems at a loss for words, and Ellie stands at her shoulder, steady and unwavering.

“Can we talk?” Talia asks, and Dina reaches behind her to grab Ellie’s hand.

“Yeah, of course,” she answers, and she turns to Ellie. “Babe, can you give us some time?”

Ellie nods, leaning down and leaving a lingering kiss on Dina’s lips. “Text me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay,” Dina says, and Ellie tucks a stray piece of hair behind Dina’s ear.

Ellie grabs her jacket and slips out the front door. The last thing she sees is Dina falling into Talia’s arms, the sound of a sob following her down the hallway.

\--

That night, after Ellie comes home and Talia has left, Ellie holds Dina in her arms on the couch. The TV is playing something inane, neither of them paying any attention to it. Dina’s head is warm where it rests in the curve of Ellie’s neck.

“You ready to talk about it yet?” Ellie asks, nuzzling her nose into Dina’s hair.

“I don’t know,” Dina answers. Ellie nods and kisses the top of her head. She feels soft lips press to the skin above the collar of her t-shirt. “I don’t even know where this leaves us.”

“Us?” Ellie’s heart seizes for a second.

“Yeah,” Dina mumbles, “like, Talia didn’t even _mention_ my mom. I don’t know. Maybe I need to start dealing with this. Maybe I just don’t get to have a mom anymore.”

Ellie can’t remember ever hearing Dina sound so dejected before. Her arms tighten around her, pulling their bodies even closer together.

“I don’t know what to say,” Ellie admits, and the words disappear into the room.

“Just hold me,” Dina says, turning to lay her legs across Ellie’s lap. She lifts her head and cups Ellie’s jaw in her hand, gentle and warm. The gap between them closes and their lips fit together. Ellie melts against Dina, the movement of her lips, the taste of her tongue.

“I can do that,” Ellie mumbles against Dina’s lips, “I can do that forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tying up our loose ends. 
> 
> Guys, the support on this story has been phenomenal. It absolutely has blown me away, and this fandom is just amazing. I'll save all the mushy shit for the last chapter, but just know that every single one of you out there...you all rock. 
> 
> I've put this into a series with my other [au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25790755/chapters/62643004) , a fun little 80's romp. Would mean the world if you wanted to give that a read - I promise if you enjoyed this, you'll have a great time over there.
> 
> I'm on tumblr and twitch @breezered, we have a great little streaming gang going on.
> 
> Again, thank you so much. You all kick ass, and I'll see you next time.


	15. June 2018 - November 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m going to kill Jesse,” Dina mumbles, but her touch is gentle on Ellie’s cheek. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did you hit your head?”

**_June 2018_ **

Ellie sits in an empty lecture hall, staring at the blank screen. She taps the rolled-up fake diploma against the arm of the chair.

Five years. Five years for her to get here, to this day, to this moment in her life. It felt anti-climactic, as most ceremonies are bound to do. Walk across a stage, feel uncomfortable in a heavy gown, hear Joel, Dina, Maria, and Tommy all cheer for her…it felt like a strange way to summate her experiences at this college.

“Hey, kiddo,” Joel’s voice draws her attention to the doorway at the end of the room, “everyone’s looking for you.”

Ellie shrugs and leans back in her chair. “Sorry. I just needed some space.” Joel comes and sits a seat away from her, and Ellie looks at him. He’s staring at the blank wall ahead of them, one hand absently scratching at his beard.

“I’m proud of you,” he says, and it’s impossibly soft. Ellie rolls her eyes against the tears that build in the back of her throat.

Neither of them look at each other.

“Sap,” Ellie mumbles, trying to subtly wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. Joel grunts out a laugh, and Ellie sees him wipe at his own eyes.

“You gotta let me say this,” Joel say, “or I ain’t ever gonna do it again.”

“Okay,” Ellie relents. She folds her fingers together in her lap, staring resolutely ahead of her.

“I know nothing has been easy,” Joel says, and Ellie’s heart squeezes at the way his voice is so close to breaking, “but you…you have _never_ given up. Even when most people would.” He clears his throat and sniffs a little. “Life handed you a shit deal, I won’t lie to you about that. That never stopped you, though. You put in the work. You made this life _yours_.”

Ellie wipes furiously at the tears that are soaking her cheeks. Joel reaches a hand across the chair between them and clasps her shoulder, strong and steady. Ellie reaches up and covers his hand with hers.

“I’m just real proud of you.”

Ellie’s floodgates break then, and she stands up, pulling Joel’s hand until he’s wrapping his arms around her. He smells like Joel, all cedarwood and a light cologne, and his beard scratches the side of Ellie’s head. They stand together for a long moment, until Ellie pulls back and wipes her nose on the back of her sleeve. Joel pulls out a package of tissues from his pocket.

“Maria was cryin’,” he mumbles, and Ellie knows it wasn’t Maria who was doing any of the crying today.

“Thanks,” she says, blowing her nose, “y’know, for everything.” It’s all she can muster up, and she promises to herself that one day she’ll tell Joel how much everything he’s done for her has meant, how much he means to her.

For now, they just make their way through empty hallways, back to their family. Ellie is wrapped up in another celebratory group hug the second she gets back, and over Dina’s shoulder, she can see Joel standing off to the side, quietly dabbing at his eyes with his own tissue.

* * *

**_July 2018_ **

Ellie pushes the door open slowly, trying her best not to make a sound. She flicks the light on and shuts the door softly. Shoes are gently removed, and Ellie slides around on her socks to avoid loud footsteps.

As she’s opening the fridge door, a throat clears from behind her.

“Jesus Christ!” Ellie exclaims in shock, jolting and bumping her head on the ceiling of the fridge.

“Just me, actually,” Dina says, and Ellie rolls her eyes. Shutting the fridge, she turns around and braces herself.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Ellie apologises.

“What the fuck is on your arm?”

Ellie looks down at her right arm and acts like she hadn’t noticed the cast before. “Oh shit, where did that come from?”

Dina seems about ready to punch her. “Ellie, what did you _do_?”

“Nothing!” Ellie insists. “Well, nothing crazy. I just took a bit of a fall when I was climbing with Jesse. It’s fine, really. Hardly hurts.” She makes to lift it and show off just how fine she is, but the movement sends a shot of pain down her arm and Ellie has to bite her cheek to keep from making a sound.

“I’m going to kill Jesse,” Dina mumbles, but her touch is gentle on Ellie’s cheek. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did you hit your head?”

“Doctors said I am in tip-top shape,” Ellie reassures her, “except for the arm. Which will take about eight weeks to heal.” Dina sighs and her thumb traces along Ellie’s cheekbone.

“At least he took you to the hospital,” she says, “I wouldn’t put it past you two to think you could set it yourselves.”

“Jesse does have some pretty good field first-aid training,” Ellie jokes, and Dina rolls her eyes. Ellie leans in and kisses Dina, quick and full.

“Does this mean I’m going to have to like, wait on you hand and foot now?” Dina says, and Ellie nods.

“Oh, absolutely,” she says with a grin, “I’ll need all the help I can get.”

“Mhm,” Dina guides Ellie’s lips back to hers, and the warmth of her tongue brushes against Ellie’s bottom lip, “that’s nothing new, babe.”

“Fuck you,” Ellie mutters with a short chuckle.

“With only your left hand?” Dina leans back and makes a face that Ellie can clearly read as ‘yikes’.

“You’re such a dick.”

* * *

**_August 2018_ **

Dina comes whirling into the apartment, tossing her bag aside and jumping over the back of the couch to kneel next to Ellie. Ellie pauses her videogame and looks at her girlfriend’s eager face, the light shine of sweat that sparkles on her brow.

“Hi,” Ellie says, “what’s uh, what’s up?”

Dina pumps her eyebrows and holds up her phone. “I got a very interesting email.”

“Okay,” Ellie says, and Dina unlocks her phone and hands it over. Ellie’s eyes scan the screen, squinting at the tiny print. “Dude, you need a bigger phone, I can hardly read this.”

“Oh my god,” Dina groans, grabbing her phone back and tossing it aside. “I got into UMass! For their Master’s in psychology!”

“What?” Ellie’s brow furrows. “You applied for a Master’s program? When?”

“Like, a year or so ago?” Dina waves her hand like that doesn’t matter. “I don’t know, Ellie, I was on the waiting list for a while and now…I’m in!”

“You didn’t think to tell me that you had applied?” Ellie says, and Dina leans back a bit.

“I didn’t think I’d get in,” she says, and her head tilts as she looks at Ellie. “Are you upset?”

“I mean,” Ellie picks at a loose piece of cotton that sticks out from her cast, “kind of, yeah.”

“Okay,” Dina sits back against the arm of the couch, “well, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it. I honestly kind of forgot. I applied during my last term, and it was just…I applied to a few places, but most I got rejected from. It didn’t seem worth sharing that.”

Ellie purses her lips. “So, what, are you going to go?”

“I don’t know,” Dina crosses her arms over her chest, “are you going to come with me?”

Ellie’s heart skips a beat. “To UMass?” She scoffs and grabs her controller from the coffee table, starting up her game again.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dina says, and Ellie shrugs. “Ellie, turn it off and _talk_ to me.”

“Oh, I didn’t realise that we were _talking_ about things now,” Ellie says, voice dripping with sarcasm, “I thought we were just doing whatever we wanted and then springing it on each other at the last possible second.” A death animation plays on the screen and Ellie curses, tossing her controller back on the table.

“C’mon,” Dina says with an exasperated laugh, “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t even…I never thought I would get in. I don’t have to go, it’s just…it was just an idea.” Ellie looks over at her, and the way Dina is biting her lip and avoiding Ellie’s gaze…it breaks her heart.

“I never said you shouldn’t go,” Ellie mumbles.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t have to say it,” Dina spits, and Ellie actually reels back from the venom that flies at her.

“Okay,” Ellie holds up her unbroken arm in surrender, “look. You sprung this on me. I’m allowed to need time to process.”

“Great,” Dina stands up and heads to the front door, “take all the time you need.”

“Dina, come on,” Ellie says, standing and following her to the door. Dina just grabs her bag and opens the door.

“Take your time,” Dina says, pausing in the doorway, “and call me when you’ve _processed_.”

The door slams shut behind her, and Ellie is left alone.

\--

Dina comes home that night, and Ellie is waiting for her at the kitchen table.

“Hey,” Dina says, sitting down at the table next to Ellie.

“Hey,” Ellie answers. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” Dina says, and she offers her hand. Ellie takes it, their fingers intertwining. “I should have told you about this back when I applied.”

“I should have been way less of a dick,” Ellie says.

“You ready to talk about it now?” Dina asks, and Ellie nods. “I can go first, if you want.”

“No,” Ellie squeezes her hand, “I should.” She lifts their hands to her lips and presses a kiss to the soft skin on the back of Dina’s. “I don’t want you to leave me behind.”

“Oh,” Dina scoots her chair closer so it forms a small bench with Ellie’s, and she wraps an arm around Ellie’s shoulders, mindful of her broken wing.

“I just,” Ellie takes a shaky breath, “I don’t want to be without you. And it felt like, like…like you making this plan, doing this without telling me, it felt like you were trying to find a way out.”

Dina’s eyes are shining with tears, and she leans forward then, pulling Ellie into a deep kiss. Ellie melts into it, opening her mouth for Dina’s tongue. It feels purposeful, intense, and it pulls something deep inside of Ellie.

“I will never,” Dina says as the part for a second, and Ellie chases her lips, “ _ever_ want a way out of this.” Ellie nods and they kiss again, teeth scraping and tongues pressing.

“Fuck,” Ellie breathes, and Dina’s hand slips under her shirt, “Dina, we should really keep talking.” Dina’s fingernails scratch at Ellie’s ribs, but she leans back and looks at Ellie through her eyelashes, eyes dark.

“If you don’t want to move,” Dina says, and her hand presses hot against Ellie’s side, “then we won’t move.”

“It’s just,” Ellie looks up the ceiling and takes another breath, trying to slow her heart for just a second, “it’s _Boston_.”

“Oh.” Realisation dawns across Dina’s face, and she visibly winces. “Ellie, I didn’t even…fuck, I didn’t even think of that.” Her fingers flex against Ellie’s ribs.

“I know,” Ellie says, “and it’s okay. Really.”

“It’s not okay,” Dina replies, and she brings a hand up to Ellie’s cheek, cupping her face, “I should think of these things.”

“I guess you really do need that Master’s degree, huh?” Ellie teases her. Dina’s lips turn up into a small smirk, and Ellie leans in to leave a kiss at the corner of it.

Dina’s nose bumps hers, their lips still brushing as she speaks, “I’m sorry.” Ellie breathes her apology in.

“Is this what you really want?” Ellie asks, and her good hand rests on Dina’s knee. “Forget about me and my shit, just…if you could do this, no consequences.”

Dina rests her forehead on Ellie’s. She takes a shaky breath, and nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Ellie says, and Dina pulls back, looking at her with skepticism.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Ellie shrugs, “I say we do it. Or, you do it. Besides, MIT is a really good school. Maybe I can apply there for the next year.” The more she thinks about it, the more that idea starts to appeal to her.

“Ellie,” Dina’s face holds too many questions, “are you sure?”

“Yes,” and she doesn’t know if she’s ever felt this sure about anything before, “yes, I’m sure.”

“I’m going to be in so much debt,” Dina says.

“Who isn’t,” Ellie answers.

“And I don’t want you to be triggered by the literal city we will be living in.”

“I’m extremely well-adjusted now.”

Dina rolls her eyes, but the smile on her face grows. “You’re going to get your Boston accent back, aren’t you.”

Ellie laughs, and she leans in really close. “C’mon baby, let’s go pack the cah.”

* * *

**_September 2018_ **

Ellie stands in the middle of their new apartment, looking around at all the boxes they have to unpack. Dina is grabbing the last box from the truck, and Ellie can see her, three floors down on the street below.

Boston looks the same. As Ellie had driven them through the streets, she saw familiar landmarks, the same old crowds. The trees are starting to redden, and the overcast sky has the whole city cast in a dull light.

She sits on top of a stack of boxes, staring at the phone in her hand. Joel has reminded her to call every time they stopped, every time they breathed, whatever. Her thumb hovers over the home button, but she stops and puts the phone in her back pocket. There’s a tightness in her chest that she thinks will only be made worse if she hears Joel’s voice.

The door flings open and Dina comes through it, kicking it shut behind her. Her arms strain under the weight of the box she’s carrying, and Ellie takes a moment to appreciate the flexed muscles.

“Last one!” Dina says with a smile, and she puts it down on the kitchen counter. She makes a big show of wiping her forehead, and Ellie rolls her eyes.

“Drama queen,” Ellie says, opening up her legs for Dina to stand between. Dina smirks and rests her forearms on Ellie’s shoulders.

“You love it.” Their lips press together, salty from the sweat they had worked up. Ellie’s fingers play with the back of Dina’s shirt, untucking it from the waist of her shorts and slipping underneath.

“You’re so sweaty,” Ellie mumbles, grimacing as her fingers meet Dina’s skin.

“Yeah,” Dina kisses her again, leaving the lightest touch of her tongue on Ellie’s lower lip, “because I carried twice as much shit as you.”

Ellie gasps, tightening her legs around Dina’s, forcing her to stumble closer. “You take that back.”

“Make me,” Dina whispers, her lips already brushing Ellie’s. Ellie tilts her head up, their lips bumping without a kiss.

“You’re gross and sweaty,” Ellie breathes. There’s a sharp pinch on the back of her neck, and Ellie yelps. “Ouch!”

“You’re fine,” Dina laughs with an eye-roll.

“Fine as hell,” Ellie adds.

“I hate you.” Dina shakes her head and takes a deep breath. They both look around the apartment, and Ellie can feel Dina gearing up to tackle to monumental task of unpacking.

“Hey,” she slips her hands into the back pockets of Dina’s shorts, “I could use a shower.” She punctuates her sentence by squeezing her hands.

“Oh, really?” Dina bites her bottom lip and her eyes drift down to Ellie’s smile. “You need some help with that?”

Ellie responds with a heavy kiss, their lips sliding together quickly. Noises escape their throats, breaths falling rapidly from their noses. Dina’s hands pull the neck of Ellie’s shirt, breaking their kiss only to rip it, and her own shirt, off.

They don’t make it to the shower, Dina on her knees in front of Ellie, her mouth pressed between Ellie’s legs.

The sun is setting as they lie on their mattress, still wrapped in its protective plastic from the move. It sticks to their skin, Dina lying half on top of Ellie, her fingers trailing across Ellie’s body.

“I think I can grow to like this apartment,” Ellie says, shivering as Dina’s hands pass over sensitive skin.

“Even though we have to walk through the bathroom to get to the bedroom?” Dina asks, recalling one of their major points of contention on this apartment.

“I think I can get used to it.” Ellie flips their position, her skin peeling off the plastic. She presses down on top of Dina, unable to stop the miniscule groan that falls from her lips as she feels the expanse of Dina’s body below her.

“What are the odds we’re going to get this mattress into the bedroom anytime soon?” Dina asks, arching up against Ellie’s mouth on her chest.

A hand slipping between her legs is all the answer she gets.

* * *

**_October 2018_ **

Ellie gets home from work late, her feet dragging as she struggles with the key in the front door. It sticks in the lock, like it always does, and Ellie grunts, turning it and shoving her shoulder against the door. It groans open, scarping along the floor.

“Fucking shitty ass rotting frame,” Ellie mutters, pushing it closed. Her wet jacket is hung up, damp shoes kicked off. The apartment is quiet, and Ellie finds a note from Dina.

_Went out for drinks with my cohort. Dinner is in the fridge! Be home late. Love you xoxo_

Ellie tosses the note back on the counter and opens the fridge. She pulls out the container of stir fry, not bothering to warm it up as she grabs a fork and digs in.

Working at a big corporate company as a lab tech is…about as exciting as it sounds. Pulling long hours, working under people who all seem to think they’re god’s gift to science, it’s all the parts of science that Ellie finds the most irritating. Her coworkers are nice enough, all a bit older than Ellie. They talk about their families, their mortgages.

She knows she’s lucky that her honours project supervisor was able to pull a few favours, helping her get this job. Dina had had to work in a bakery for a year, just trying to find any sort of job that might fulfil her and be at all related to her degree.

Dina, who is barely home between classes and socials, who seems more alive here than Ellie thinks she’s ever seen her.

Ellie tosses the empty container in the sink, pledging to wash it later. The clock on the microwave says it’s already after seven. She takes a shower, trying to get that sterile lab smell out of her hair.

Dressed in her pyjamas and wrapped in a blanket, Ellie sits on the bed and fires up the TV. The lack of living room means they had to condense their living space a little, and Dina had eventually agreed that the bedroom was a better place for the TV than the bathroom.

With the laugh track of an old sitcom as background music, Ellie sinks into the pillows and stares blankly ahead of her. Her brain feels fried, and a selfish part of her is angry that Dina isn’t home to sit with her, to be around for a bit of support after a long day of work.

She knows that sounds crazy. It feels crazy. The blanket is pulled tighter around her shoulders.

Her phone buzzes on the bedside table.

_miss you, dude…no one in this town gets my top quality savage starlight jokes…_

Ellie smirks at Cat’s text. They haven’t talked much since Ellie left, and the text just makes her feel that ache in her chest for the people and places she called home. Ellie taps out a quick response, and as she watches the characters on the TV argue, she drifts off to sleep.

\--

_Ellie stands in the alley. Her heart is racing, her palms sweaty. Her hands are empty this time, empty and shaking, and she stares at the people in front of her._

_Joel, hunched and old, white hair dripping blood._

_Riley, forever fourteen, a gaping hole in her chest._

_Cat and Jesse, their backs turned to her, standing ankle deep in a puddle of something._

_Ellie can’t speak, just watches as slowly, one by one, they sink into the earth. She tries to move, to respond to their cries for help, but she looks down and sees she’s sinking too, knee deep in the ground._

_The ground rises faster, and then Ellie is being swallowed up and she’s falling, falling –_

The sound of the door crashing open startles her awake.

“Fuck,” she hears Dina hiss. Ellie sits up, tossing the blanket off her shoulders and standing up. Her shirt sticks to her back with sweat.

“Dina?” She calls out, pressing a hand to her heart.

“Yeah, sorry,” Dina calls back, her words sliding together, “did I wake you up?”

“Uh, no,” Ellie lies, walking through the bathroom and standing in the doorway. She watches as Dina stumbles to the kitchen sink and puts her head under the tap. Ellie squints against the bright lights that have been flicked on. “You have a good night?”

“ _So_ good,” Dina answers, wiping her chin on her sleeve. “Boston has…a _lot_ of beer.”

Ellie forces a smile onto her lips, images of her nightmare still swimming on her eyelids. “Did you drink all of it?”

“I think so,” Dina whispers, coming up to Ellie and kissing her cheek, “because I really have to pee.”

“Cute,” Ellie says, rolling her eyes as Dina ducks around her and starts pulling her pants off. “Hey, I’m just going to grab something from the corner store. I’ll get you a powerade or something for your inevitable hangover.”

Dina gives her a thumbs up from the toilet, and Ellie darts into the bedroom to grab a pair of sweats. She pats Dina on the head as she passes by.

The door scrapes as she opens it, the key sticks as she locks it. Her footsteps echo dully in the staircase, and Ellie zips her jacket up against the cold air that leaks in through the crack under the door.

Boston is asleep, and Ellie takes off down the street. The corner store is a short walk away, and Ellie takes deep breaths of the night air to try and soothe the rapid beat of her heart.

The store is light up with fluorescent lights, and Ellie grabs the biggest blue powerade that she can find, and grabs herself a bag of chips. She’s not hungry, but showing up empty handed when it was implied she was going out for herself…

Dina’s probably so drunk she wouldn’t even notice, but Ellie places the chips on the counter.

The wall of cigarettes behind the cashier seems to taunt Ellie, her fingers twitching.

“Anything else?” The cashier asks, looking beyond bored.

“Uh,” Ellie hesitates, staring at the familiar white cartons, the different coloured lettering, “yeah, maybe just a pack of Belmonts.” Ellie grabs a small lighter from the display and puts it down on the counter too. The cashier grabs the smokes and rings them through, and Ellie pays up without being ID’d. She shoves the carton into her jacket pocket and takes the other items in the plastic bag the cashier offers her.

She dawdles on the way home, kicking at fallen leaves on the sidewalk. The old house their apartment is in appears on her right too quickly, and Ellie sits on the steps up to the front door, placing the plastic bag by her feet.

The carton of cigarettes feels heavy in her pocket. Her fingers close around it, and she pulls it out. Ripping the plastic off is like a ritual, discarding it into the bag. The top flips open, and Ellie pulls a cigarette out, twirling it between her fingers.

The end is lit, but Ellie doesn’t put it to her lips, just lets the flame hover at the end until it dies, repeating the process until the tobacco catches. Embers glow faintly at the end of the small stick, Ellie holding it out in front of her and watching it burn.

It takes forever for the smoke to burn down to the filter, and Ellie flicks it to the curb.

She stands, leaving the carton on the steps with the lighter, grabbing the plastic bag and heading upstairs.

Dina is passed out in bed, and Ellie is pleasantly surprised to smell toothpaste on Dina’s breath. Not so drunk she couldn’t take care of herself. Ellie pulls off her sweatpants and climbs into bed, curling around the warm body of her girlfriend and pulling her closer with an arm around her waist.

“Cold,” Dina mutters when Ellie’s nose presses to the back of her neck.

“Drunk,” Ellie counters, and Dina snorts. She turns in Ellie’s arms and their noses bump together.

“Love you, Ellie,” Dina mumbles, a lazy kiss pressed just south of Ellie’s lips. “Missed."

Ellie tilts Dina’s chin up with her thumb and forefinger, their lips loose as they meet in the darkness. “I love you too, Dina.”

Dina hums and turns away again, her fingers lacing with Ellie’s and tugging her flush against her back. Ellie breathes in coconut shampoo, and she thinks that all the world can wait for morning.

* * *

_**November 2018** _

_Ellie lands on her knees, blood pouring endlessly from her chest. Ahead of her, Riley is running, calling her name. Behind her, she can hear the sound of an angry stampede. She struggles to her feet, slipping in her own blood._

_“Ellie, please, hurry!”_

_Aching, gasping, Ellie tries to run. A hand grabs her from behind, pulls, and suddenly she’s in Dina’s old apartment in Jackson. Talia is sitting there, glaring at her._

_“Please,” Ellie gasps, holding out a bloody hand. Talia turns away and the room changes, and Ellie is standing at the end of a long aisle. Faceless people stare at her, and she watches as Dina walks away from her, snow falling thick and fast._

_“Hey, kiddo,” Joel is beside her, and Ellie looks at him, his hair brown and his face young, “you okay?”_

_Ellie gapes at him, and she tries to run after Dina. Joel’s hand turns to icy claws, and Ellie cries out._

Ellie’s eyes snap open.

The room is dark.

Dina is beside her, snoring gently into her pillow.

Gingerly, Ellie pulls the blankets back and sits on the edge of the bed, leaning her elbows on her knees and holding her face in her hands.

A car alarm starts going off in the distance, and Ellie jumps at the sudden noise.

Behind her, Dina shifts, her hand reaching out in her sleep, landing on the empty space Ellie left.

Ellie stands and grabs her phone, tiptoeing out to the kitchen. She sits at the small table, unlocking her phone and scrolling through her contacts.

It rings once before he picks up.

“ _Are you okay?”_

“Hi, Joel,” Ellie says, clearing her throat, “I’m okay.”

“ _You’re gonna give me another heart attack, callin’ at this time of the night,”_ Joel says, and Ellie can feel the genuine concern behind the joke.

“I just,” Ellie taps her free hand on the table, “I couldn’t sleep.”

“ _Okay,_ ” Joel says. Ellie can hear a rustling in the background, and she can picture him standing from his bed, beginning to pace around his room. She always teases him for that, his inability to stand still while he’s on the phone.

“Um, how’s home?”

“ _It’s good,”_ Joel says, “ _you know, not much goin’ on. Tommy and Maria came by for Thanksgiving, that was real nice_.”

“They’re doing well?”

“ _Mhm, same old,_ ” Joel answers. “ _You send in that MIT application yet?_ ”

Ellie groans. “I’ll send it in.” Joel makes a noise in the back of his throat. “I _will_ , oh my god.”

“ _And you gonna apply anywhere else_?” Joel asks.

“Dina’s got a whole other year here,” Ellie says, scratching at the wooden table with her blunt nails, “why would I apply somewhere else?”

“ _Just in case,_ ” Joel says, “ _MIT is pretty fancy. You don’t want to apply to any back up schools?_ ”

“I haven’t talked to Dina about it,” Ellie mumbles. “I don’t want to do anything without talking to her.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Joel says, and Ellie can feel him holding back.

“You wanna just say what you’re thinking?” Ellie sighs.

“ _I just,”_ and she listens to Joel let out a deep sigh, “ _I think you gotta make this decision for you. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be._ ”

“This has been entirely unhelpful,” Ellie grumbles.

“ _Hey,_ ” Joel’s voice goes soft, “ _I’ll support you no matter what, kiddo. Okay?”_

“Okay.” Ellie stares out the window at the streetlamp. She can hear Joel breathing on the other side of the phone call. Her throat feels tight. “Hey, Joel?”

“ _Mhm?_ ”

“Thanks for picking up,” is all she can manage.

“ _Anytime, kiddo, I mean it,”_ he says, and she can hear the tightness in his voice too.

“Okay, well,” Ellie sniffs and clears her throat again, “I should let you get back to bed.”

“ _Sure,”_ Joel says, “ _if you’re sure you’re okay?_ ”

Ellie thinks about all the ways she doesn’t feel okay. She misses her home, she misses her friends, she misses Joel. She misses the way the mountains fill the horizon back west, the space, the fresh air.

“Yeah,” she nods along with her lie, “I’m okay. Goodnight.”

“ _G’night, Ellie._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I keep threatening the final chapter but this is NOT it. I think maybe next chapter might be. We'll see.
> 
> In the meantime, thank you all for reading and sustaining this story through your comments, your kudos, your reading and re-reading, your joining in the twitch streams and following me on tumblr. Everything is just so kind, and I'm overwhelmed by the support I've received and the friends I've made.
> 
> Keep it real, and I'll see you next time.
> 
> **in case any more Americans come for me, UMass has a Boston campus and I took a few liberties not bothering to mention it for the drama, so...you've been heard and appreciated and I'm with you but only casually**


	16. December 2018 - September 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last one.

**_December 2018_ **

Dina sometimes wonders if Ellie thinks she’s stupid, or if Ellie thinks that Ellie’s just really fucking sneaky.

It’s impossible to miss all the signs that have been building up for nearly a month. Ellie is quieter, much more like the girl Dina met four years ago. She feels withdrawn, never truly here nor there, like she’s floating through each day without touching the ground.

She doesn’t want to pry, knowing that Ellie’s likely to just curl up like an armadillo in her armour and refuse to open back up. There’s a hope in the back of her mind, small but still burning, that Ellie will come to her and talk, but Dina knows that’s pretty low on the list of likely scenarios.

The efforts Dina’s made don’t feel like enough, but she doesn’t know what else to do. She invites Ellie to events, to casual hang outs with her classmates, but Ellie turns her down more than half the time, claiming she’s tired from work, or she just doesn’t “like” bowling.

Tonight, as they sit on their bed and watch a movie, Dina spends most of the time scanning Ellie’s face. She’s paler than Dina thinks is normal, and there’s a sunken quality to her cheeks that seems new.

“Are you even watching the movie?” Ellie asks suddenly, turning and catching Dina in the midst of her staring.

“Sure,” Dina says, “guy meets girl, enemies to lovers.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. Dina clocks the shadows underneath them. The tv is turned off, the little lamp beside Ellie the only light in the room now. There’s a shuffling, and then Ellie is turned to face Dina.

“Everything okay?” She asks. Dina sucks her lips over her teeth, trying to find a response.

“Sure,” she says, “as long as you’re okay?” The question is tentative, and Dina grounds herself against the coming storm in the way Ellie’s knee presses against her thigh.

“Yeah,” Ellie shrugs, her eyes cast downwards, “I’m fine.”

“And you’d tell me if you weren’t?” Dina asks, pushing just a little bit more. Ellie nods, her eyes still staring down at the blankets. Dina sighs, reaching a hand out and gently lifting Ellie’s chin until their eyes find each other. “Ellie. Can you talk to me, please?”

“What do you want me to say?” Ellie says, not quite snapping, but there’s an edge that Dina can’t miss. Her hand travels the length of Ellie’s neck, the bumps of her shoulder, the soft fabric of the sweater that covers her arm.

“I just want you to _talk_ to me,” Dina says, almost a whisper. Ellie deflates under her touch. “I’m not blind, Ellie. I can see you… _fading_ away.”

“That’s kind of dramatic,” Ellie mumbles. Dina sighs and pulls her hand back.

“Fine.” She stands from the bed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m going to wash up.”

She can feel Ellie’s eyes boring holes into her back as she goes into the bathroom. The tap runs cold for a while until it’s warm enough to splash on her face. The creaking of the floor tells her that Ellie’s following her in here, and Dina rinses her face off, drying it roughly with her towel.

Ellie is standing behind her, her face visible in the mirror as Dina checks over her skin. She looks like a kicked puppy, eyes wide and glistening. Dina sighs and turns around, leaning back against the sink.

“I hate it here.”

Ellie’s words come out fast and probably louder than she meant for them to.

They slam into Dina’s chest like a cannonball.

“What?” Her own voice is hardly a whisper.

“I hate it,” Ellie says, her hands gripping each other, tugging on her fingers, “I fucking hate it. I mean, I love you, and I’m…I’m _trying_ , Dina, okay? I’ve been trying. But I just feel like I’m all tried out.”

Dina feels her heart racing in her whole body, she feels nauseous. “So, what?” She wants to sit down, to rewind, to go back before she asked Ellie anything. “What, you’re just going to leave me here?”

“No,” Ellie steps forward, her arms lifting and dropping like she wants to reach out, “no, I wouldn’t...” Dina watches her take a deep breath; watches the way her hands shake until she links them together again. “I just, I’m not like…I’m not like you, okay?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Dina blinks back the angry tears she can feel build up behind her eyes.

Ellie huffs, and Dina can see all the gears turning in her head. She waits.

“I don’t adapt, okay?” Ellie shrugs, and Dina watches a miniscule tear slides down Ellie’s cheek. “I mean, I do, I _can_ , but this…it feels like it’s too much.”

 _It’s too much_.

Those words hang between them. Dina soaks them up into her skin, trying to find a way to clean the mess up, but it feels like everything is spilling onto the floor at once.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie says, “I didn’t want to…” She trails off, and Dina stares at the wall behind her. The paint is chipped, and Dina feels the urge to go and scratch at it, to pick away at the imperfection.

“I don’t know what to do,” Dina admits. “I want you to be happy, Ellie. That’s all I could ever want.”

“I want _you_ to be happy,” Ellie repeats back at her.

“We’re not,” Dina waves her hand between the two of them, “this isn’t ending.”

Ellie doesn’t answer, just surges forward and presses against Dina, hungry lips attaching to hers, teeth knocking together as they desperately try to drink the other in. Hands grip at hips, waists, never staying still long enough to land. The edge of the sink presses into Dina’s back.

They break apart, breath mingling between them, foreheads pressed together. A cop drives by, the siren wailing, and Dina doesn’t miss the way Ellie flinches.

“I’m not leaving you,” Ellie says. Her hands are hot where they’ve slipped under the hem of Dina’s shirt. Her thumbs rub back and forth, absentminded.

“I don’t want you to,” Dina replies. Fingers trail down the side of Ellie’s face, catching the tears that have started falling. “But I can’t keep you here, unhappy.” A shaking sigh leaves her lips.

“You’re not keeping me,” Ellie says, her fingers tightening on Dina’s waist, “I’m choosing you.”

“Ellie,” Dina shakes her head just slightly, “I don’t want you to choose me…if it doesn’t make you happy.”

Ellie steps back then, dropping her hands from Dina’s waist. She’s shaking her head, her eyes turned up to the ceiling.

“I’m so fucking _sick_ ,” Ellie starts, and Dina hears every shake in her voice, “of everyone trying to tell me what’s best for me.” Her hands flex in and out of fists. “I’m an adult, I can make my own choices.”

“I know,” Dina says, slow and careful.

“I’m here to be with you,” Ellie says, “that’s what my choice is. I’m not…this is _my_ choice.”

“Okay,” Dina steps forward, “it’s your choice.” She slides her hands up Ellie’s arms, coming to gently cup her face. Ellie’s hands grip Dina’s forearms.

“I’ll try harder,” Ellie mumbles. Dina shakes her head and steps in closer, their bodies pressing together. She pulls Ellie into a soft kiss.

“No,” Dina speaks against Ellie’s lips, “no, you don’t need to try harder.” She kisses her again, and again. She can feel Ellie deflate against her. “You do so much.” They kiss again, and it’s slow and purposeful. Dina leads them back into their bedroom, pulling Ellie onto the bed on top of her.

They lie like that, Ellie pressing down onto Dina’s chest, her weight a constant. Dina drowns her worries with Ellie’s lips.

When the sun rises on them the next morning, Dina feels that weight long after Ellie is gone.

* * *

Ellie’s bags sit by the front door.

Dina stares at them and at the girl who is standing next to them. The girl she loves. The girl she’s losing.

“Do you want to sit?” Dina asks. “Joel said he’d text when he arrived.”

Ellie shakes her head, her hands tapping against the side of her thighs.

“Ellie,” Dina stands and walks over to her, “please. Please don’t go.”

“You _told_ me I should go home,” Ellie says, and Dina feels the truth of it resonate in her chest, a truth she should have seen coming, “that I should take time. This was _your_ idea. Please don’t do this again, don’t change your mind.”

“Okay,” Dina says, “I won’t.” She leans back against the half-wall that separates the kitchen from the tiny hallway. Ellie’s phone goes off in her hand, and she stares at it with shining eyes.

“He’s here,” she says. Dina nods, swallowing the lump in her throat.

“Get home safe,” Dina says, and Ellie nods.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie mumbles, but Dina just shakes her head, stepping forward and pulling Ellie into her arms.

“Don’t be,” she says, trying to memorize the shape of Ellie’s body, the way they curve into each other. Her nose tucks against Ellie’s neck, breathing her in. She can feel Ellie’s hands fingers gripping the fabric of her shirt.

“I love you so much,” Ellie says. It’s choked and small, but Dina doesn’t miss it.

“Me too, Ellie,” she answers, “so much.”

* * *

Dina [January 15 / 8:09 pm]: Hey, I just wanted to check in. We haven’t talked much since nye, and I miss you.

Ellie [January 15 / 9:14 pm]: hey. im good, been busy applying to schools. u ok?

Dina [January 15 / 9:21 pm]: Yeah, I’m okay. Just been thinking about you. about us.

Ellie [January 15 / 9:30 pm]: me too. i think we did the right thing, breaking up. good for us right now.

Dina [January 15 / 9:42 pm]: Oh. Yeah, you’re probably right.

Ellie [January 15 / 9:45 pm]: probably good to take space, right? like u said before

Dina [January 15 / 10:01 pm]: Yeah. Like I said.

Dina [January 15 / 10:03 pm]: Take care, Ellie. Don’t be a stranger forever.

\---

Dina [February 21 / 4:07 pm]: Hey, I heard about the big blizzard, you guys safe?

Dina [February 21 / 10:09 pm]: Ellie, I get that we’re taking space but please just send some sort of sign that you’re alive so I don’t go fucking crazy with worry

Ellie [February 22 / 6:53 am]: all good here. sry was busy helping shovel out neighbours driveways.

Dina [February 22 / 7:00 am]: Just glad to hear you’re safe :)

\---

Ellie [March 3 / 12:08 am]: im drunk but i miss u adn we r so fuckjng dumb for lettingeach other go

Dina [March 3 / 9:15 am]: Do you want me to just ignore that, let you live in your regrets a little?

Ellie [March 3 / 11:38 am]: fuck. yeah, that would be great. sry

Dina [March 3 / 11:40 am]: No harm, no foul. Glad you lived through the alcohol.

Ellie [March 3 / 12:02 pm]: me too jfc. sry again

* * *

**_April 2019_ **

Ellie stares out at the street, watching as heavy rain falls against the windowpane. The steady patter of the drops hypnotizes her, pulling her from her surroundings until someone touches her elbow.

“You alright, kiddo?”

She turns and accepts the steaming mug he hands her, “Yeah, I’m okay. Just…spacing out.” Joel hums and sits down on the couch, grabbing the remote control and turning on the television. Sinking into the armchair beside her, Ellie cradles the mug against her shoulder, long fingers wrapped through the handle.

“Big game tonight,” Joel says, flipping through channels until he finds the hockey game, “hope the boys can pull off a miracle.” Ellie doesn’t answer, just stares blankly at the screen as lights dance around and players skate onto the ice. “You know, I never thought I’d be into hockey, but I guess women will make you do crazy things.”

“Don’t let Esther hear you say that,” Ellie warns, lifting her mug to her lips and taking a sip of the cocoa.

“She’s busy in the kitchen, she won’t hear a damn thing with that radio on so loud,” Joel says. He offers Ellie a smile, and she tries to return it. The national anthem plays from the speakers, loud and blaring with a singer who thinks too highly of themselves.

Esther comes and joins them as the game gets underway, bringing with her a platter of vegetables and hummus. Ellie likes Esther; she’s quick-witted and kind-hearted, often sporting a smile. Her hair is mostly grey, and there’s something about the way she softens Joel’s smile that, even in her most cynical moments, Ellie can’t find anything in it to hate.

They watch the game, Esther and Joel cheering and complaining with the movement of the plays. Ellie sits there and tries to engage, but the pit in her stomach that’s been sitting heavy since December is ever-present. There’s a distinct emptiness to her chest, an ache that throbs through her every waking moment.

“I’m pretty tired,” Ellie says at the end of the first period, “I might head up to bed.” She waves off the protests, and takes the empty cups to the kitchen. The tap water drowns out the sounds of the commercials from the living room. She washes the cups, scrubbing out the chocolate that threatens to stain the ceramic, and placing the clean mugs on the drying rack. The front of her t-shirt is damp, and she curses and wipes at it with a dish towel.

“Ellie,” Joel calls from down the hall, “you mind getting the door?”

“Sure,” she calls back. She hadn’t heard the doorbell over the water and the TV. The dishtowel is tossed in a heap on the counter. The door sticks familiarly as she pulls it open, a rush of cold air hitting her.

“Hey,” Dina says, and Ellie’s stomach drops through the floor.

“Hi,” Ellie answers, “what are you…”

“Doing here?” Dina purses her lips and folds her arms across her chest. “I don’t know. I mean, I know. I just…can we talk? Please?”

“Now?” Ellie looks over her shoulder at where the light from the television trickles into the hallway. “Joel and Esther, they’re here, I…I don’t know.”

“Oh,” Dina shuffles her feet, “fuck, I’m sorry. I should’ve called, but I wanted to see you and talk to you properly.” She looks up at the roof of the porch and shakes her head. “This was so fucking stupid, I’m sorry, I’ll go.”

“No,” Ellie reaches out a hand, but stops it before she can touch Dina. “I mean, you don’t have to go. It’s gross and cold, and I’m not going to make you stay in a hotel or your car.”

“Are you sure?”

Ellie nods and steps aside, clearing the doorway for Dina to step inside. Coconut shampoo drifts up into Ellie’s nostrils as Dina steps past her, and it makes her knees feel weak and her chest ache. She takes Dina’s coat and hangs it up on the rack.

“Who’s that, kid?” Joel asks.

“Um,” Ellie stutters, discomfort twisting in her gut, “it’s Dina.”

There’s a pause, and Dina and Ellie lock eyes.

“Okay,” Joel says, and Ellie wants to disappear into the earth and never come back up, “well, hi, Dina.”

“Hi,” Dina calls back. They both stand and wait to see if Joel will answer, but when silence is the only response, Ellie nods at the stairs. Dina gives an affirmative smile, tense and with pressed lips. They pad up the stairs together to Ellie’s room, shutting the door quietly behind them.

Dina sits on Ellie’s desk chair, Ellie on the edge of her bed.

“How are you?” Dina asks.

“I’m okay,” Ellie lies, fisting her hands in her duvet. “How are you?”

Dina shrugs and taps her fingers on the arms of the desk chair. “I’m okay.” Her eyes search out Ellie’s, dark and wide. “I miss you, a lot.”

“Dina,” Ellie sighs, and Dina raises her hands.

“I know,” she says, “ _you_ made a choice. And I was the one who told you to make it.” The bitterness that seeps into her voice is unmissable, and Ellie breaks their eye contact to look down at her feet.

“I’m sorry,” she says, and it’s the hundredth time those words have passed her lips in the past four months.

“I know,” and it feels like the only thing she’s heard Dina say in months, too, “and I’m not here to fight.”

“Then why are you here?” Ellie asks. “I don’t know what else there is that we can do.”

“I want to apologise,” Dina says, “because I never did, not really. I just…I dragged you right into the heart of all your trauma, and I got so caught up in my own shit, my own life, and it was wrong. I was a shitty girlfriend, a shitty friend, a shitty person.”

Ellie laces her fingers together. “I could have said something.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Dina says, “what matters is that I didn’t pay attention. I fucked up and because of that…well,” she waves a hand at the space between them, “here we are.” Dina leans forward, elbows on her knees, chin on in her hands. “Do you think you can forgive me?”

“I,” Ellie takes a breath, “I never thought I needed to.” She doesn’t know how to say that she would forgive Dina of anything, that she doesn’t feel capable of holding any anger towards her, no matter what Dina feels she did, what Ellie knows she did.

“Have you thought about school next year?” Dina asks, changing the subject abruptly.

“U-W, Seattle,” Ellie says, “it’s got a pretty decent M.Sc.”

“That’s great,” Dina replies, and her smile is more natural now, “I’m really happy for you.”

“I’m excited,” Ellie admits, “but also terrified.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine,” Dina says, and Ellie soaks her words into her skin, “you’re amazing.” She stands from the chair and comes to sit beside Ellie on the bed, inches away. Ellie hesitates for only a moment before she’s turning and cupping Dina’s jaw, fingers tucking behind her ear, gently urging her forward. Their breath mingles between them.

“This is probably a bad idea,” Ellie whispers. Dina bridges the gap, their lips pressing together, tentative.

It feels like coming up from underwater, and Ellie finally remembers what it’s like to breathe.

Dina’s lips are softer, fuller, warmer than she remembers. The taste of her tongue is sweeter, her fingers leaving trails of fire where they slip under the hem of Ellie’s shirt. Small noises escape their lips, and Ellie presses forward until Dina is lying back against her pillows. The buttons on her shirt come open easily, Ellie’s t-shirt discarded.

“I’ve missed you,” Dina mumbles into her mouth.

“Me too,” Ellie breathes, and her fingers undo the button of Dina’s jeans. Dina’s hips lift, and Ellie’s hands push, and then there’s too much to feel and all thoughts of coherency go out the window.

Later, lying in the darkness, Dina hovers over Ellie and gently brushes hair back from her forehead.

“One day,” Dina says, “I’m going to marry you.”

“You’re not even dating me,” Ellie reminds her, her heart squeezing at the reminder.

“Doesn’t matter, babe,” Dina says, tracing the line of Ellie’s profile with her finger, “I’m not letting you get away forever.”

Ellie smiles and kisses Dina’s finger as it bumps over her lips. “You wanna meet me in Seattle, sweep me off my feet?”

“I do.” Dina dusts kisses across Ellie’s cheekbones. “And we’ll figure everything out.”

“Sounds too good to be true,” Ellie says.

Dina smiles and leaves a lingering kiss on her lips, teeth scraping gently along Ellie’s bottom lip. “Do you trust me?”

“Always.”

“Then,” and Dina’s lips brush Ellie’s as she speaks, “I’ll see you in Seattle in July, 2020. And I’m going to blow your fucking mind.”

“You’re pretty sure I’ll just be waiting for you,” Ellie says, raising her eyebrows in a gentle challenge, “isn’t that a little cocky?”

“Maybe,” Dina says, and her hand slips between Ellie’s legs, pulling a gasp from her throat, “but I think you’ll find I have good reason to be confident.”

* * *

**_July 2020_ **

She looks beautiful.

Ellie’s heart kicks against her ribcage.

Through the crowd of tourists, Dina spots her and waves, a smile lighting up her face.

Her feet carry her through the crowd, eyes never leaving Dina’s face.

“Hi.” Dina’s voice sounds like the first birdsong after a long winter.

“Hi.” Ellie’s palms are sweaty, and she tries to wipe them inconspicuously on the material of her jeans.

“I’m glad you came,” Dina says.

Ellie smiles. “Yeah, me too.” She looks around at the plaza and then back to Dina. “So, do you want to get a coffee?”

“Neither of us like coffee, stupid,” Dina teases. Ellie rolls her eyes, her skin on fire where Dina’s hand slides down her arm and links their fingers together. “But yeah,” Dina continues and steps into Ellie’s space, the smell of her shampoo and perfume invading Ellie’s sense, “let’s get a coffee.”

* * *

**_September 2021_ **

Sunlight streams in through the bedroom window, cutting a harsh line across Ellie’s eyes. She groans and turns over, burying her face in the back of Dina’s neck.

“I’m still sleeping,” Dina grumbles as Ellie fights with the tangle of curly hair that is spread across the pillow.

“Me too,” Ellie grumbles back, finally shoving all of Dina’s hair up and out of her way, pressing the cold tip of her nose to the warm skin of Dina’s neck. There’s a small squeak from the other woman, and Ellie tries to apologise with a small kiss.

“Wha’time is it?” Dina asks, and Ellie groans.

“I don’t know,” she wraps an arm around Dina’s waist and pulls her closer, “but let’s not find out.”

Dina squirms and turns in Ellie’s arms, stretching her own arms up. Ellie cracks her eyes open and tries to glare at Dina. It fails when she catches sight of the sparkling stone that sits on Dina’s finger.

“I picked out a really good ring,” Ellie says, and Dina laughs.

“Yeah, out of the three pre-approved rings I sent you, you did a great job.” She pushes on Ellie’s shoulder until she’s flat on her back, swinging her legs over Ellie’s hips and sitting up, stretching her arms up above her head. Ellie’s eyes drag over Dina’s body, tracing every inch of exposed skin. The scar on her hip, the small hairs that lead below the waistband of her underwear. Taut skin pulled over her ribs as she stretches, the points of her nipples that are draped with the thin material of her tank top, material that rode up in the night, stuck just below her breasts.

The sun illuminates her, and Ellie thinks that this must be what angels look like.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Dina teases, and Ellie rolls her eyes.

“Oh, I have a few of those pictures already,” she retorts, and Dina grins. She gathers her hair up into a knot, her long bangs framing her face.

“So,” Dina dances her fingers across Ellie’s abdomen, pushing her shirt up, “we’re engaged now.”

“That’s what the ring implies,” Ellie says. Dina pokes her in the side.

“I told you I’d marry you someday,” she says, running her hands over the exposed skin of Ellie’s chest. Ellie arches into her touch, a lazy smile painted across her face.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ellie says, her voice breathy, “is this where you say ‘I told you so’?”

“Well,” Dina shifts her hips, and Ellie has to bite back a moan, “I guess I could say, ‘I told you that with a lot of hard work, therapy, and love, we could do anything’, but that feels a bit trite, don’t you think?”

Ellie laughs, “Sure, babe. Whatever you say.”

“All I know,” Dina says, blunt nails scratching lightly against Ellie’s skin, “is that I would give anything, and do anything, to be here with you. I’d do it a thousand times over if it meant I could have even the slightest chance of being with you.”

Ellie grabs her waist and, with a mighty thrust of her hips, topples Dina over and pins her on the bed. “You’re such a sap.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah,” Ellie smiles and lifts Dina’s left hand to her lips, “I do.”

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all she wrote.
> 
> Guys...there's too much to say, and not enough words to say it with. For all your support, your comments, your kudos, your reading and re-reading, your amazing patience....thank you. From the absolute bottom of my heart, this fic and this community has meant so much to me. 
> 
> To my dearest fic friends, you've been where it all crappens in the goddamn trenches with me, encouraging and supporting and peer-pressuring me just right. You're angels in your own right, and I love you all very much, even when we're living in opposite worlds.
> 
> I know today is a Big Day, and there's so much riding on this day. I hope you are all going to be able to take an escape here with me. If any of you need anything, come find me on tumblr and feel free to just vent your feelings - this Canadian has got your back. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wrote this fic as DIY therapy, and you all joined me for it, and I am just...I'm going to be forever flabbergasted at it. 
> 
> If you're looking for more escapism, I'm going to pimp out my [cowboy au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26899273/chapters/65638828) and my completed [80's au](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25790755/chapters/62643004) for anyone who hasn't read them, or anyone who wants to go back and hide in those worlds with me.
> 
> Stay safe and stay strong.

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write something with these characters that I so quickly fell in love with. And I needed it to be just a bit happier than the whole...well, that whole situation we all just played through. I hope you all enjoy this ride with me. Also, as a Canadian, I reserve the right to know nothing about the American college system and to spell colour with a U :)


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